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So in June, it will be my three-year surgery anniversary. Wow. This has been the most amazing journey. In July, I'm getting married and I get to spend all of my time worrying about my divorced parents instead of how fat I am. Ha. I will not lie. I am still fat. But I do not care. I am so much healthier and happier than I was before surgery. I choose to have a moderate eating plan post-surgery that I could maintain for the rest of my life. I have seen many people from my support group regain weight and I think it is because many of them put themselves on very strict diets post-surgery. Diets do not work! If diets worked, we would not need surgery! I'm off of my high horse. If anyone is morbidly overweight and considering surgery, my advice is to do all of the research you can, meet as many surgeons as you can, and get the surgery that is right for you.

I had the strangest experience at the grocery store the other night. I stopped in to pick up some water after training with my 5k group. I was standing behind a sweaty sporty guy in cool running gear and I realized that I was the cool sporty girl in cool running gear. Me? Yes, Me! Never in my life did it ever occur to me that one day I would be the girl stopping in at Whole Foods after a run in Central Park. Life is amazing.

I have no idea how this works. I'll need some time to figure this out! I do know that over the holidays, one of my family members asked what was poking out from under my shirt one day. It was my hernia. Guess it's time to go get that fixed!

About Me: I’ve been reading profiles and I realized that lots of people didn’t give their beginning stats and it’s really annoying. Lo and behold, I look at my profile and do I have my stats? No! Oh boy. [p] When I started this journey, my BMI was 60.7 - Super Morbidly Obese! I weighed 365lbs at 5’5”. I could not buy pants at Lane Bryant because I wore a size 34 pants. I could sometimes fit into flowy skirts and dresses in size 26/28. I had to buy my pants, bathing suits, and shoes online because I was too big for plus-size retail. I wore a size 10WW shoe. I would buy most of my tops from Eddie Bauer and J.Jill online in a size 3x or 4x. I think my bra size was a 44G (I don’t feel like going into the bedroom to look). Why did I choose the Duodenal Switch (DS)? After tons of research, I decided that the DS was the best operation for me. DS patients on average lose 70-80% of their excess weight. Ten-year studies show that DS patients tend to keep their weight off better than patients with the LapBand or RNY. I also liked the idea that my stomach would still function in the same manner and that I could eat like a “normal” person (not overeat!). Mostly, I just wanted to be at a healthy weight and, in my opinion, the DS is the best way for a me to get down to a normal BMI and stay there. Thinking back, I actually went for a consultation for a LapBand some years before I looked into surgery. The band was still in trials and I am sure that it is improved now, but the surgeon told me that I was not a good candidate for the band. I only weighed 244lb at that time. 4/19/04 I have consultations scheduled with Drs Pomp, Roslin, and Inabnet (sp?). I am leaning towards the DS, but am open to listening to what the surgeons have to say. Like many folks here, I have dieted my way up the scale. I am tired of having my weight rule my life and I am ready to take charge. 4/30/04 I found out that Dr. Inabet is leaving my insurance plan, so I cancelled my consultation. I don't want to meet him, like him, and then not be able to use him for my surgery. I was excited to read that Dr. Herron is returning to Manhattan, but disappointed to find out that he is going to Mt. Sinai. I've read that the patient care is lacking there. Dr. Herron currently takes HealthNet, but he isn't sure if he will when he moves to Mt. Sinai. Ugh, I hate the bureacracy. 5/13/04 I met with Dr. Roslin today and I think he’s the one. I have an appointment with Dr. Pomp on Monday, but I’m concerned about missing so much work. Dr. Roslin has a great reputation and was very straight forward today. He was very clear that WLS is not a solution, just a tool and that he is not looking to make skinny people, but healthy ones. I can’t believe Dr. Roslin’s office gave me a surgery date for June 18th. Going in, I hoped that somehow I could get in as soon as July. My date is only a little over four weeks away! Of course, I still have to get all of the pre-op tests out of the way and a letter from my doctor about supervised diets. Okay, in this day of HMO hell, who goes to their doctor when they go on a diet? Whatever. I hope HealthNet doesn’t reject me for this. My BMI is over 60 - what more do they want from me? I haven’t discussed WLS with my PCP. I hope he supports me. I am a little freaked out. I met a DS post-op in the doc’s office and she’s only lost about 100 pounds and has regained 18. She definitely needs to lose more. Well, now that I think about it, it’s only been eight months. She could still lose more. I need to lose two-hundred pounds. I hope Dr. Roslin isn’t too conservative with my surgery. 5/20/04 Ugh, getting all the pre-op stuff done is a pain in the bum. I am going to see my PCP today and I hope he goes with the program. I have written an excellent letter for him to submit to my insurance. I hope he goes for it. I am getting mixed information from Dr. Roslin's office staff. The RN told me that I can go ahead and get my endoscopy with the script that Dr. Roslin gave me so I asked her if there was a number at Lenox Hill to schedule the test. The RN transferred me to the office manager and the office manager told me that I had to get it scheduled through my PCP. Then what the heck is the script for? My PCP isn't on my plan and I am freaked about what it is going to cost to see him today. I'm pretty sure that he sends his blood samples to Quest, so I won't have to pay for that, but I will have to pay for him to actually draw the blood and for the EKG. Yikes. I have to change PCPs but I don't want to do it until after surgery because he has been my doc for nearly a decade. I hate having to change docs each time my employers have changed health insurance companies. 5/24/04 The meeting with my PCP went really well. He loved the letter I had written (he even asked for a copy to use as a template in the future). The most surprising thing was that he said I was a Perfect candidate for the surgery and that he is really glad that I am having it. Hello? You think he could have mentioned this sooner? Then again, my ENT told a patient that she should look into WLS and she didn't speak to him for weeks. I may not have been open to the suggestion either. So I have my upper g.i. and chest x-ray this week and my stress test next week. I still need to schedule an evaluation with a nutritionist. So much to do, so little time. 5/27/04 Whew, am I glad that the upper g.i. is done. Swallowing the barium wasn't too bad, but is did make me queasy. It was cool to see it travel through my body on the monitor. I was my own PBS science special. This weekend, I may tell my girlfriends about my surgery. I'm still three weeks pre-op, but I have joined a therapy fitness group and have been out for so many tests, that it's hard to talk about my day without explaining all that is going on. Perphaps they will surprise me and be supportive. Actually, I'm pretty sure that S. will be supportive, but I have been "Big is Beautiful" buddies with J. for years and I don't know how she is going to take it. It's odd, I turned to these women when I found myself unexpectedly pregnant and they helped me make the biggest decision of my life, but I'm afraid to tell them about my wls. I'm tired of living in fear. **Things I'm Looking Forward to After Surgery** (this list started as silly things, but somehow it evolved...) Cheap trendy clothes from places like H&M Fishnets and other funky legwear A swimsuit from Malia Mills No more WW shoes! Only taking up one subway seat Not having to go through turnstyles sideways Not being out of breath after taking the stairs from the platform to the street Not being out of breath after taking the stairs up to our fourth-floor apartment Not worrying about fitting into theater or airplane seats Not worrying about seatbelts reaching across my thighs or belly No more Lane Bryant! Fitting more clothes into smaller suitcases Walking all over Paris without worrying about lower-back pain Dancing all night long No more swollen ankles No more heavy boobs Spaghetti Straps! A proper Downward Facing Dog No more sleep apnea Feeling Strong Feeling Healthy 6/4/04 Almost done. I saw my nutritionist today and she will fax my letter to my surgeon today or Monday. Whew. I was really nervous about talking to her about my DS. My nutritionist works at an eating disorders clinic and I thought she would say that I could lose the weight on my own. Once again, I was wrong. She was completely supportive, as has been everyone that I have told. I finally told my close girlfriends yesterday and they too were completely supportive. Now all I have to do is tell my mom. Yikes. She's a big drama queen and I have no idea what she is going to say. Luckily, she's thousands of miles away. I can't decide to wait until the day before so she can't get on a plane or if I should tell her now so she can come out here if she wants. Decisions decisions decisions. I've been super-depressed the last week. I am completely physically ready for surgery, but I'm not sure if I am emotionally prepared for the changes. On top of that, my father did something really crappy that made me feel awful, my mom had a lumpectomy, and I realized that I can't take another year at my job. I'm so looking forward to surgery so that I don't have to be at work. I feel guilty, because it's not like my job is hard. It's just really bureacratic and frustrating. After 9/11, I was convinced that life is too short to spend eight hours a day at a place I don't love, but I went back to my old ways very quickly. I hope to use my recovery time to find a job that I can do with passion. 6/11/04 Yikes! My date has been moved up from Friday to Tuesday. Yikes! Yikes! My heart is beating so fast that I would be worried if I hadn't just had a stress-test that said my heart was in great shape. I am so excited. Did I say that already? I'm nervous because I planned on taking a day or two off before the surgery, but now I won't be able to. I guess it will be better to keep busy. My boyfriend has resigned and it's his last day of work today before he begins his Masters program. I want to take him to go see Shrek, but I can't remember if I fit in the seats at that particular theater. This will probably be the last time that I will go to the movies and weigh 365lbs. Thank you. Thank you Karma, God, Jesus, Goddess, Allah, Buddha, and everyone who has supported me in this journey! I hope that everyone who needs this surgery gets it. I feel so undeserving when I think about others who are suffering and have waited longer than I have. 6/13/04 It's the night before the night before my surgery and I'm so excited. I can't wait to be a loser. I can't believe how much I want to lose weight. I thought I wanted to be fat and non-conformist, but I don't. I want to be thinner and healthy. I want to be lighter and free to dance and jump and run! Wheee! I need to go to bed, but how can I possibly sleep? I want my new life to start now. Where is my measuring tape? I need to get to measuring! Until then, let me work on a goal list: *Mini Goals* Walk a city block without my feet or back hurting (done!) Walk up stairs from subway platform to street without stopping (done!) Walk two city blocks without my feet or back hurting (done!) Walk up stairs to apartment without being winded (all the way to the fourth-floor, done!) Go on a job interview (done!) Walk three city blocks without my feet or back hurting (done!) Walk up stairs from subway to apartment without passing out (not only done, but done carrying bags of groceries!) Stop regularly taking the bus from the subway stop to my office (changed jobs!) Take the stairs to my office regularly (new job without an elevator - I have to take the stairs!) Go on a second job interview (done!) 6/24/04 Sorry it’s been so long since my surgery. When I was researching surgery, I depended on these profiles to help me with my decision and here I am I seriously slacking off. I have too much to write about in one sitting, but if I don’t start know I’ll never get it out. Let me start by saying that my surgery went perfectly and I’m not even on pain meds a week out from my surgery. One caveat, I’m still a little loopy so please excuse any typos. Part I I reported to Lenox Hill at 6am on Tuesday, June 15th. I was horrified to find that the chairs in the same-day surgery waiting room were tiny and with arms. I sat down, but it was too painful so I went to the bathroom. Luckily, the nurse was ready for me just as I came out of the bathroom. Boo, of course the same stupid chair with arms waited for me in the pre-surgery area. I guess I could have sat on the bed or asked for a chair without arms, but if I could stand up for myself, I probably never would have gotten up to 365lbs. Duh. Check-in was uneventful. I was nervous and went to pee about five times. I was also freaked that I had not had my morning bm and that it would somehow be a problem for the surgery. Around 7:30am, a nurse came and got me and took me to another waiting room. Big comfy chair, yay! There I met with the anesthesiologist. It seemed like we talked forever, but it was probably less than ten minutes. I also met the chief surgery nurse. She wore a ton of make-up and I hoped that one of her mascara-laden lashes wouldn’t fall into my open abdomen and cause all sorts of havoc. I was then walked to the O.R. On the way, I saw my surgeon eating a bagel with a shmear. Good to know that he wouldn’t be going in hungry. Once in the O.R., I was a bit skeeved by all of the blades and tools. I mentioned this and one of the nurses said, “Did you see the retractor?” Jeez. Did she have to point out those jaws? Yikes. I hopped up on the operating table and they gave my pillows to lift my head. The anesthesiologist set up the IV and then talked me through the process. Then I was out. Next I knew, I was told that it was over and to squeeze the anesthesiologist’s fingers and wiggle my toes. For a brief moment, I felt like I couldn’t breathe and it was awful. They quickly pulled out the tube and I didn’t even feel it. I had to help scoot myself off of the table and onto the bed. I remember asking if I could turn on my side and everyone saying, “No!” I was wheeled to recovery and passed in and out for a few hours. I was in pain and miserable. I had an IV drip but wasn’t with it enough to ask for more meds. I will be honest. It sucked. I worried if I made the right choice. My boyfriend came to see me and I promptly told him to go away because I wanted to sleep. I have no idea what he did between then and when I got moved to my room. I need to remember to ask him. I was in recovery for five or six hours. There was always a nurse by my side and she seemed very concerned about my welfare. Around five or six pm I was finally moved to my room. I thought that I would be in a room with another bariatric patient. Unfortunately, I was sharing a room with an elderly woman who was dying. And not quietly. My boyfriend came by again and I sent him out for trashy magazines so I would have something to read while waiting for my leak test. I was completely panicked that he wouldn’t be able to get back in before visiting hours were over. When he came back, I told him to leave because I was going to fall asleep. Poor guy. 6/28/04 Part II Okay, where was I? I had my surgery on a Tuesday and was pretty out of it most of the day. My hospital room was horribly hot, but luckily the person in the room before me left a portable desk-fan with the woman who was left in the room who in turn left the fan with me when she was moved to another floor. Wednesday was pretty uneventful. The dying woman was moved and I had the room to myself for the day. I was in some discomfort and pushed the morphine button at every opportunity. The nurses were quick to respond to calls. I got up and walked to the hall and back and then sat in the uncomfortable guest chair for a few hours. All the staff was amazed that I was out of bed so soon after my open surgery. I was worried that I would be terribly thirsty without having any water for a day, but surprisingly it was okay. My friends and boyfriend came to visit Wed evening and it was nice to have people to talk to. I think they stayed for about an hour. After they left, my catheter was removed and I was one step closer to freedom. Around 11:30pm I got a new roommate. She was a nut, but nice. She woke up at 4am in a wet bed and was convinced that her IV was leaking or something had been done to her. She called the nurses, her husband, was convinced that there was some sort of conspiracy against her and that her husband had to come get her immediately. She finally accepted that the sleeping pill they gave her knocked her out so completely that she had an accident and that no one was out to get her. Good morning! Thursday morning I started clear liquids. I had to send back my first clear liquids meal, it was filled with sugar! Of course, as a DS, I don’t dump, but I wanted real nutrition and everything was super sweet and gross. The resident had to change my food orders to diabetic just to avoid all of the sugar. I can’t believe what they feed people in hospitals. The second ingredient in the meal replacement drink was corn syrup. Whatever! 7/2/04 I’ve lost 27lbs! I can’t believe it. I went for my first follow-up yesterday and I was so afraid that I would have a low loss because I have not been eating enough. Well, I stopped on the scale and yelped. Dr. Roslin said, “That must be good.” Oh my god, 27lbs in two weeks! I don’t own a scale, so I had not been able to weigh myself. Besides, I’m an obsessive personality type and I would weigh myself twice a day if I had a scale, so it’s for the best that I don’t have one at home. I was going to measure myself, but I would measure all the time also, so I am only going to weigh at my doc’s office or at the gym where my support group meets. I’m sorry that I didn’t complete the hospital story. Bottom line; make sure that if you have any sort of surgery that you are out of the hospital before the weekend. Weekend hospital staffing sucks!!!! I had horrible blown IVs; I had to wait an hour for pain meds, etc. If my surgeon had not discharged me on Saturday afternoon, I would have walked out on my own. (I was in the hospital longer than expected because I did not have a bowel movement. But who could with a roommate right outside of the toilet? Everything was fine once I returned to the comfort of my own bathroom.) I will be honest; there have been rough moments with the DS. I still sometimes struggle with gas pressure in my stomach when I drink and eat. I haven’t been able to figure out how to drink water and not swallow any air. I am not getting enough water in and it worries me. I had my first run-in with diarrhea yesterday. I didn’t get up early enough to eat breakfast before my doctor’s appointment (my bad) so after I left his office, I was starving. I finally found a GNC and purchased a high-protein, low-carb ready-to-drink shake recommended by a friend. I walked outside, shook it up, popped it open, and took a swig – yuck!! I cannot stand the taste of artificial sweeteners. I tried to drink more, but it just wasn’t happening. So I tossed it in a trashcan and headed for Papaya King. For those of you who are not New Yorkers, there is this wonderful phenomenon of hot dog and tropical juice spots. I had recently watched a show about hot dogs on PBS and was really craving one. I figured that a plain hot dog without a bun would be okay. My stomach gurgled and cramped after the first swallow, but that is normal for me if I wait to long between meals. So I took another bite and chewed and chewed and chewed. My stomach said no to the second bite, too. Bummer. By this time, I had a few swallows of protein drink, some water, and a few bites of hot dog. I was no longer starving and figured that I could continue with my plans to go get a pedicure. Wrong. I felt a rumble in my lower intestine and knew that I needed to get to a bathroom. So what do I do? Could it wait? Did I need to go home? I didn’t want to go all the way home when I was a block away from my favored nail salon. I decided to go to McDonald’s and try to deal with it. I’m guessing that it was the hot dog, but could something move through my system that quickly? Anyhoo, I did my little bit of business at Mickey D’s (the Golden Arches are the International Sign for Bathroom) and felt perfect and ready to take on the day. I know lots of people are afraid of the DS because of stinky poo and farts, but honestly I haven’t noticed any increased stinkiness. However, I’m still on soft foods. Things may change as I incorporate more foods into my diet. Back to the weight loss, although I am thrilled to have lost 27lbs, I am freaked out that my clothes don’t feel loose. I don’t look different. Well, maybe my face is a little thinner. My toes seem skinnier. Where did the weight come from? I guess the real test will be if anyone says anything when I go back to my support group and work next week. 7/18/04 I miss feeling normal. I miss eating something and knowing how my body is going to react. Whine, whine, whine! I’ve felt very tired this week. I went back to work on Monday, 7/12. My doc said it was fine, but everyone else was shocked that I was going back so soon. The non-docs were right. On my first day, I stayed all-day instead of a half-day, like I was supposed to and boy did I pay for it. I was exhausted the rest of the week. I decided to stay home and start fresh this coming Monday. This was actually an important lesson for me. I need to put me first. I didn’t leave work early because I felt guilty about being out for nearly four weeks. Yes, I have a huge scar on my belly from surgery and my insides have been rearranged, but I don’t “deserve” to put in a half-day. I wish I had the money to put my therapist on a retainer. Is retainer for lawyer spelled the same way as a retainer for your mouth? Hmm. So once again, I do not know how much I weigh and it is making me crazy. I cannot purchase a scale because I will weigh myself every day. I have been horrible to this site. I received so much wonderful information from this site and now when I come online, it just seems like more of the same old stuff. Ugh. I so want to help newbies like I once was, but I just can’t bear it. Please forgive me if I don’t respond to emails. I will do my best to keep my profile updated, but I am just so overwhelmed with my own journey right now, but I can’t respond to every email that I get. I miss food. I can only hold about 3ozs and I miss meals with multiple food groups. I’ve read that mashed potatoes are tolerated well, so I am going to try to add them next week. Oh I miss broccoli. And big salads with radicchio and endive. Crunchy, tart, green apples. Blackberries. And corn tortillas. More whining. Forgive me. I do not miss feet and ankles so swollen that the skin was stretched to hurting. I do not miss lower-back pain. I do not miss feeling like I could eat the world and never feel full. 7/29/04 I know that we aren’t supposed to compare ourselves to others, but how am I supposed to know if I’m on track if I don’t compare? Ha ha. Anyhoo, I think I’m behind on my weight-loss. I don’t own a scale so I weighed myself at the gym and it says that I’ve only lost 9lbs since my last weigh-in, nearly a month ago, at the doctor’s office. How is that possible? At first I was fine because I knew that it wasn’t possible. My resting metabolic rate is 3000 calories a day. Oh wait, I just did the math and if I have a calorie deficit of 1500 calories a day for a month, that’s only 12lbs. However, 12lbs a month for a year is still 144lbs. That’s okay - I guess. What? Before my DS, I would have killed to lose 12lbs and now I’m complaining. During my one big previous weight-loss, I got down to 180lbs and looked good and felt fantastic. But now, I want to weigh 126lbs. Hello? What happened to reasonable goals? What about getting healthy? Screw healthy, I want to be skinny and fabulous. No I don’t. I want to be strong and able to dance for hours and swim for miles. Ahhh. What a relief. I got really depressed this week because I am going to a wedding next weekend and I don’t know what to wear and I’m still super morbidly obese. I tried on a dress that was snug last year and I was convinced that it would be falling off of me. Not. It’s loose in the chest, but still snug in the belly. I was really upset. I am having a hard time facing the fact that I gained about 20lbs last year and I have to lose that weight before I can fit into last year’s clothes. Deep sigh. I need to buy shoes and I don’t know if I’ve lost enough weight in my feet to fit into regular shoes. I’m afraid to even try because if I don’t I’ll get depressed. I am so happy that my therapist is back from vacation this week. I need all the help I can get. Luckily, I have my regular therapist and my WLS therapist. I had a panic attack this week and my WLS therapist was there for me. After a talk, I realized that I was trying to go back to work too soon and that I needed more time at home. Luckily, I work in academia and have a ton of vacation time and already had some time scheduled next week and the week after so I have extended it by a couple of days. I feel so much better now. I was having cramps and diarrhea every morning and blaming my DS and what I had eaten, when it was actually just stress! Since I decided to take more time off, my stomach has settled and I feel fantastic. Everyone (except my surgeon) told me that I was going back to work too soon, but I felt so guilty about being away and being so fat that I needed WLS, that I had to go back to work. If anything, this surgery has helped me learn that I need to put myself first. If I were in a car accident, they would figure out how to get along without me. This is my life, my health, my mental health and it must come before my job that I don’t even really like. 8/11/04 I went shopping and had fun! Oh my god, I can’t believe it. As I mentioned in my last post, I was prepping for a wedding and faced my fears by going to the mall. I had my eyes on some cute retro 80s flats that I saw online. I know that Sketchers tend to run wide, but I was still scared that the shoes wouldn’t fit. It was so satisfying to slide those babies on and stand up in cute shoes that fit. I bought them and then headed over to Torrid. I pulled every size 26 (the store’s largest) dress off of the racks and headed off to the dressing room. Get this, about a third of the dresses were too big. Hee hee. Too big! Some were also too small. But, who cares? The dress I ended up buying was a size 24. Woo hoo! I went for my second follow-up with my surgeon and had my official weigh-in. 11 lbs down. Okay, when was the last time I lost 11 lbs? I’m trying to be happy but I’m a bit disappointed. I had to have surgery to lose 11 lbs? What the hell? Okay, I have not been hungry or using food, but I expected something more dramatic. To go from losing 27 lbs in two weeks to losing 11 lbs in four weeks is a bit of a let down. Am I going to make goal? What is my goal? I am so afraid that I will end up obese when all is said and done. I had this surgery to have a bmi between 23-25. I do not want to be overweight. Then again, I have read many times that obese people have heavier bones than people who have always been average weight. I guess this leads me back to a goal of just being healthy. I hope I know it when I get there. I went away this weekend for a wedding and I was traveling with four friends who don’t know that I have had surgery and one friend who does know about my DS. Before I left, I decided that if anyone asked me about my reduced eating, I would be honest about my surgery. Well, no one did. The only comment I got was about how “good” I was for leaving fries on my plate when I ordered fish and chips. I’m so glad that I didn’t tell everyone about my surgery. I was able to eat in peace and not have to explain my food choices. 8/24/04 I wore my “skinny” pants today! Soon after I came home from the hospital, I went through my closet and threw away many of the ugly fat clothes that I would never have to wear again. While I was digging, I came across a few favorite items that I had “outgrown” and forgotten about. So I laid them out in my bedroom and every few weeks I try them on. Well, today I tried on my favorite pair of size 26 khakis and they fit. Okay, they were a bit snug in the thigh, but looked good enough to wear to the laundromat. I’ve gone from size 34 pants to size 26. Wee hee! They are Avenue brand and I think those run big, but I don’t care. This definitely counts more than buying a size 24 dress from Torrid. On a less happy front, I have decided to go back to my no lactose program. I had hoped that my DS would correct my lactose intolerance, but so far, no dice. I really miss cheese, but the bowel woes just aren’t worth it. 8/27/04 I have a confession to make. I have not been exercising. Okay, that is not entirely true. I belong to a fitness group for WLS patients and always go to that once a week. I also make a concerted effort to take the stairs at most opportunities. In fact, the other day, I had to go to a work meeting and I was halfway down the five-flights of stairs before I realized that I hadn’t even thought about choosing between the elevator and the stairs. My body took the stairs automatically. Woo hoo. So many people recommend walking, but I get soooo bored. I love dancing and swimming, but it is hard to dance by yourself. My boyfriend is a sweetheart, but has two left feet. I joined a gym with a pool, but I swim very slowly and become terribly self-conscious if it has crowded and someone joins my lane. Confidence. Where does it come from? Whine whine whine. Okay. I did not have surgery to fail. I’m going to have to get off my duff and get to moving. I am going to have to make a plan that I can follow. I’d really like to incorporate Dance Dance Revolution (DDR) into my exercise plan. For those of you who don’t know, DDR is a video game where you dance on a pad to score points. It is insanely fun and a great workout. Earlier this summer, USA Today or Reuters did a story on people who have lost weight by playing the game. In order to play at home, I’ll have to purchase a game station, the game, and a pad. I don’t really have that kind of money. Or do I? I spent much more than that to be in my friend’s wedding. I really want it and I’m going to get it! Of course, I’m going to ask for the components for my birthday. Perhaps the Jerk, aka my father, will feel guilty about how crappy he has treated me this year and will buy me the whole shebang. I can give him a piece of my mind after. Or perhaps I should tell him off after Christmas… 9/6/04 I'm so happy. I'm so happy. Yesterday, I went rafting on the Delaware River. Yes, me. Rafting. I never would have done that before surgery. My back would hurt and what about going to the bathroom? Before surgery, I had stress incontinence. I had no idea that my urgent rushes to the bathroom had anything to do with my weight. On Friday, I walked the three blocks from my subway to my office and it felt so good. The night before, I walked from my office to my therapist’s and it was so relaxing. I guess I don’t hate walking so much after-all! It felt so good to move my body. I forgot how good it feels. I got a PS2 and DDR for my birthday. It is so awesome. It has a workout mode where you can enter your weight and how many calories you want to burn. Yee hee. I ate a bunch of junk yesterday while we were on the river. Of course, a bunch of junk post-op is a whole lot less than a bunch of junk pre-op. I ate like three Cheetos, two handfuls of Pringles, and four mini Nutter Butters. For dinner, I had half a patty melt and three or four French fries. My stomach was not happy last night. So I have learned my lesson. Crappy carbs make me feel icky. I’m back on the protein train. Now I just have to toss the leftover junk. I don’t even know why I bought it in the first place. I went to Target to get an insulated lunchbox and bought all this crap. It doesn’t even taste good anymore. But surgery did not cure my head. I know that it doesn’t taste good and it doesn’t make me feel good, but when I see it in the kitchen – I want to eat it. To the trash with the junk!!! 9/18/04 Am I a slow loser? I guess. I occasionally worry about it, but then I look at my results and stop worrying. I went in for my 3-month check-up and I am down 49lbs. This may seem a little light for a heavyweight such as myself, but I am happy. The last time I lost 49lbs, I was on diet pills, living on steamed broccoli and chicken and Diet Coke, and exercising two hours a day. I was binging on sweets, trying to see how much I could eat and still show a loss at my weekly weigh-in with the diet doctor. I was miserable. Now, I eat what I want (within reason – dairy and wheat upset my body, so avoid them). I am exercising because it feels good to move, and I’m not bingeing. I’m still in most of my old clothes (except for pants) and my co-workers can’t seem to put a handle on what is different about me. This week, I went to the Y for the first time since surgery to go swimming and my suit looked ridiculous when I put it on. If I had any doubts about my weightloss it was right there in my sagging bathing suit. Hee. I was almost too embarrassed to wear it into the pool, but I was determined to get some swimming in. I had forgotten how much I love the water. My right knee has been bothering me lately and it felt so much better after I swam my 1/4-mile. I went to Lane Bryant to buy some new pants and none of the 28s fit correctly. They were all too big in the waist and too small in the hips. Many were too long. Before, I would have blamed my body, but now I know better. Lane Bryant pants are not cut for my body-type. Hopefully, as I lose weight, I will have more options and will find a clothing company that makes pants for people with small waists and big hips. I am a pear and although I can work on my legs, I am not going to deride my body for not fitting into some corporate mold. I’ll sew my own pants if I have to. I tried on an adorable wrap-top and it looked ridiculous on me. I told the dressing room woman that I hate that the wrap tops never work for me and she said that she was surprised because I’m small on top. Oh my god. Someone called me small. I think it is all about proportions. I’m down to an 18/20 in tops. Goodbye boobies! I’ll miss you! Ugh. I’m constipated. I think I need to drink more water. Scratch that, I know I need to drink more water. If I’m failing at anything, it’s getting my water in. The crazy thing is that before surgery, I loved water. It’s all I drank. My boyfriend complained that he needed more than just water in the house. Now, I can barely get it down. I don’t get thirsty and have to schedule drinking. I can’t gulp, because it makes my stomach uncomfortably full. Wah. Whine. Get over yourself and go drink right now! 10/2/04 Boo. I have a cold. It’s my first cold since surgery and it sucks. I need to drink tons of fluids to break up the phlegm and my stomach just doesn’t have the capacity. Yuck. Everyone at work thinks I had a tonsillectomy to prevent my frequent colds; so having this cold is a bit suspicious. I had the “tonsillectomy” so I wouldn’t have so many colds. Oops. Oh well, on the bright side, I just got back from a trip to Boston for a concert and it was awesome. My friend and I had seats on the floor and when I had to go to the bathroom, I was halfway up the stairs before I remembered how before surgery I would have worried if I could even make it to the top. One day we went shopping and got off at the wrong T-stop. My friend suggested that we get back on the train, but I said we might as well walk. Me. I suggested walking instead of riding! I said, “Well, we haven’t gone to the gym. We might as well walk across Boston Common – it isn’t that big.” I can’t believe it. I just did some quick measurements and I’ve lost additional inches in my hips and waist. I am extremely pear-shaped and every inch lost on my hips is a miracle. I can’t wait for this cold to pass so that I can get back in the pool. I got some new sneakers at the New Balance factory outlet and I can’t wait to try them on the elliptical at the gym. I’ve never used an elliptical trainer before, but my doc says it will be good for my wonky knee. I hope so. It makes me crazy that I lose weight and start exercising more, only to be plagued by a knee that refuses to get with the program. I need to make seeing an orthopedist a priority. Perhaps some physical therapy will help. 11/1/04 I feel pretty. Oh so pretty. I feel pretty and witty and bright! I’ll spare you the rest of the wonderful West Side Story song. The point is that I feel so freaking fantastic! On Sundays, my regular routine is to go to my support group and workout and then go to Whole Foods and do my shopping for the week. The most convenient Whole Foods is in an extremely fancy shopping center so I usually try to wear something nicer over my workout clothes but this Sunday I said to myself, “Screw it. I’m going to the gym and I’m going shopping. I don’t have to dress up.” Before, I felt so self-conscious as I waddled my way to the store. But yesterday, I had just worked-out intensely with free weights and I felt strong and capable. As I opened the door, I had a bounce in my step. I was wearing yoga pants that are now way too big but oh so comfortable, my awesomely cushy New Balance sneakers, and my sporty windbreaker was tied around my waist. I enjoyed my soy chai latte from Starbucks (protein in everything!) as I cruised through the fancy mall. My posture was straight and I didn’t care if I was a bit stinky from my tough workout. Do skinny people worry about being smelly as they do a bit of shopping after the gym? Probably not. And now, neither do I. I’ve been concerned about my rate of loss. Am I losing fast enough? I read other profiles of folks who have lost 100% of their excess weight and I worry that I’m not on track. But at the same time, I worry that some people who have lost all of their weight simply put themselves on extremely strict diets. If there is one thing that I know, it is that diets do not work in the long-term. If diets worked, I would not have needed surgery in the first place. I have a lot of support: a regular therapist who specializes in eating disorders, a therapist/personal trainer who specializes in WLS, and a nutritionist who specializes in eating disorders. I am working on resolving the emotional issues that helped me become morbidly obese in the first place. I guess the point that I am trying to make is that I picked the DS mainly because of its high rate of weight loss, but that I concentrated on all of the people who lost 100% of their excess weight, which is like 2% of the population. I may never get down to what the charts say should be my “ideal” weight, but even if I lose 50% of my excess weight (considered a success for WLS in general) or 80% (the high end for DS patients), I will be so much healthier than I was when I went in for surgery. I don’t weigh often, because it makes me crazy, but I put on my “skinny” pants this week and they were insanely baggy. I’ve probably lost 25% of my excess weight and feel like a new person. I can’t imagine what it’s going to feel like when I hit 50%. Hello! Reality check! I can’t believe that I’m worried about my rate of loss. Just thinking about what I typed: I’m less than four-months out from surgery and have an 18-24 month window for weight loss. I’m going to go now and enjoy my arm muscles. 12/7/04 Well, I have my almost-six-months check-up this week. I am incredibly nervous. I expect to weigh-in just under 300lbs which is fantastic, but I am afraid that I should have lost more in six months. Ugh, why do I write the same thing over and over again? I guess it's just hard to accept that my body is going to do what it's going to do. I am eating right, excercising, and doing all that I can to get healthy. When I discovered the DS, I read all of these fantastic profiles and was so excited by the idea that I could be skinny. I had gotten to the point where I felt like I could never lose weight and keep it off - that my life was going to be miserable forever. Sixty-five pounds later, I am still morbidly obese (but no longer Super Morbidly Obese) and I feel like a new person. Yes, if I never lost another pound, I would be disappointed, but I would not regret the surgery. This weekend, I walked all over IKEA and lugged a bunch of stuff across a freeway to get to the bus back home. I never could have done that six months ago. On Friday, I accidently got off at the wrong subway stop and had to walk ten blocks to the movie theater where I was meeting my friends - no problem. I actually kind of enjoyed it. Last weekend, I called up a friend and told her that I wanted to do something active. We ended up walking around Central Park for several hours. It was a gorgeous fall day and I had the best time. It cost me nothing and I was able to concentrate on how lucky I am to live in NYC, intsead of having to deal with lower-back pain or throbbing feet. I was the one who said to my friend, "Let's walk around the Reservoir." She thought it was too big, but I knew we could do it. A mile and a half later, we had a wonderful sense of accomplishment. I finally am in a place where I enjoy moving my body and can accept that I like being physically active. Before surgery, I was afraid that being someone who went to the gym meant changing who I was. I was always the smart girl, the girl who sat inside and read instead of going out to play with the other kids. I finally see that I can be the bookish girl who likes to ride her bike and raft. I can do outdoorsy things and still be me. I am so thankful for this surgery. 12/15/04 It's official, I have lost 30% of my excess weight! I had my just-shy-of-six-months check-up with my surgeon and he says that I am doing great. I was afraid that he was going to scold me for not losing more weight because I know of other people who had surgery around the same time as me or later who have lost more weight than I have. But no worries. Dr. Roslin said that I am right on track. I do have to get bloodwork done, but I expect that to be fine. I have been faithful with my supplements. At my last check-up, Dr. Roslin warned me that I could get night-blindness if I didn't take my vitamin A and that really caught my attention. 1/11/05 I am doing a dance of joy. My BMI has gone from 60.1 to 48.something. Yippee! I went to Old Navy and bought a pair of pants in size 24. Before surgery, I was wearing a 34 pant! I feel so amazing. I can run up the subway stairs or run to catch the bus if it is raining. On Christmas Eve, I went to the Museum of Modern Art with a friend, then walked to dinner all the way across town with no problem. I am loving my new life! I can't believe that I have almost lost 100lbs. Wow. I feel as though I am living a dream. I have given notice at work and if I don't find something new in the next four weeks, I'm going to go backpacking in Italy and France for a month. I have wanted to go to Paris for years and I am not putting it off any longer. I ran into someone I had not seen in awhile and she said, "Hmm, something looks different about you." I smiled and told her it was my longer hair. Hee hee. I love melting away and having not one person say a thing. It really reinforces the fact that my co-workers and friends just saw me as me, not as a super-morbidly-obese person. I am in no way saying that I should have stayed SMO, but it shows that I spent way too much time worrying about what others thought about my weight. 2/9/04 I have another job interview! I didn't get the job that I interviewed for in November and December, but get this - they wonderful man I interviewed with referred me for an opening at another company! I sent in my resume today and they called me to set-up and interview a few hours later. It wasn't until after I had called my boyfriend and girlfriends with the news that I realized that I didn't freak out at all about the interview. I am a bit concerned because I have a wicked cold and I don't want to sneeze on anyone, but I have a great interview outfit and I'm not worried about fitting in the chairs. Actually, I should probably check out my interiew outfit and make sure it isn't too loose! I've lost quite a few inches in the last few months. My favorite "new" pants are totally saggy in the bum. Who would have thunk it? I am using far too many exclamation points, but I can't help it. Yes, there are highs and lows. I am not thrilled everyday. Just the other month, I caught a glimpse of myself in a full-length mirror and I was horrified by what I saw. The shirt I was wearing cut me off at my widest point and looked just awful. My pants were pooching out around my stomach and my skin looked blotchy and gross. Okay, it was under flourescent (sp?) lighting in a bathroom; not known for the world's most flattering arena - but I just couldn't get shake the feeling of, "Gross!!!" After being in a funk for two weeks, I realized that I needed to starting acting from the outside in. I colored my hair, gave myself a deep conditioning treatment, started wearing make-up again, jazzed up my accessories, and whoosh - I'm feeling better. I was just reading over my profile and it was a nice reminder of how far I have come. I never got around to seeing a doctor about my knee because it hardly bothers me anymore. I walk everywhere and the only time I have a problem with it when I take the stairs. I hope that becomes less of an issue as I continue to lose weight. 2/24/05 I start a new job on Monday! I could not be more excited. I was unemployed for a week and a day. I had two job interviews last week and received offers from both companies. It was so nice to have a choice. I decided to take a big risk (quitting my job without having another lined up), hoping for a big reward – and it paid off. In other big news, I went to the Ob/Gyn for my annual and when I got on the scale, I was down another eight pounds. I am 13 pounds away from the 100-pound mark. I cannot believe it. I am finally seeing the change when I look in the mirror. I can also feel the change in the bedroom. I am so much more flexible now. Ha! It is a bit frustrating going into my closet and having nothing to wear that fits. I do not make much money and actually took a pay-cut at my new position (I hope to make-up lost ground rather quickly and it is a great opportunity at a growing company). It is hard for me financially and emotionally to buy clothes that are not going to fit in a few months. I am also having a hard time finding clothes that I want to buy. Before surgery, I feared that I would never stop shopping if I lost weight and know I am laughing because I hate this season’s colors. Also, it is still freezing outside and all the shops are filled with Spring clothing. Oh well, I am sure I will find a way to make it work. Next stop: eBay! 3/21/05 I've been at my new job for three weeks and I am loving it. My new boss is a bit demanding, but I am learning things every day and feel completely accomplished when I come home after my 10-hour days. I wish the days were shorter, but I need to prove myself before I ask for a reduced workday. Basically, I am the first one in so that I can greet the FedEx guy. I could easily come in an hour later, be refreshed, and possibly get more work done. One day last week, our intern couldn't come in and I spent all day running around the city. I was in and out and up and down the subway stairs for five hours. By the end of the day, my knees were killing me and I was expecting hell the next day, but I felt no pain. I am so thankful for my surgery. This weekend, I was making plans to go out with my girlfriends and one of my friends suggested a hot new 14-seat restaurant (does this happen outside of NYC?). The first thing that leapt to my mind was, "How am I going to fit in a place that small?" But that was the pre-surgery me. Yes, I am still obese, but I am much smaller. I used to be count on no one squeezing into the subway set next to me, but now folks are always sitting next to me and I miss the extra personal space. My boyfriend has gained some weight and I think a lot of it may be due to his finishing my leftovers. He also has been bringing home tons of chocolate to get him through his heavy workload (he is a teacher and going to grad school). I don't have a problem with the chocolate - except for the night he brought home four or five bags of types of chocolate that he doesn't even like - just for me. I made him return it and told him that whether he meant it or not, he was sabotaging my surgery. He denied it, but I hope he brings it up with his therapist. 4/13/05 I am not losing weight. I have been mere pounds away from the 100lb-loss mark for weeks and I just cannot seem to get there. But I do not care! Why? Because I am so obviously losing inches. I bought a new pair of jeans and by the time I had washed and hemmed them (maybe a week later), they were too big! I’m almost out of plus-sized tops (I couldn’t be more pear-shaped) and am so happy to be out of 32 pants and solidly into 24s. Superficial fun aside, I feel fantastic. I’ve caught myself running up the stairs to work for no reason. Or maybe, just because I can. For once in my life, I’m not dreading spring. Today, I wore cropped pants and was amazed to look down at the end of the day to see my skinny ankles. What happened to the horrible swelling that kept me in long skirts last year? I am so grateful for this surgery. 5/16/05 I’ve decided to revise my goals. I’m around the weight I was when I went on phen-fen - my “normal” high weight. This is the weight I am comfortable at. I am a few pounds from fitting into “normal” clothes and I am freaking out. My identity is as a fat chick. Who am I if I am not fat? Yes, I am 100lbs away from being skinny, but not that far away from being average. My mind works in extremes; there is no middle ground. I am either obese or skinny. I don’t know what it means to be normal. I look at the scale and I want to lose weight – but I am also afraid of losing weight. Who would I be if I shopped at J.Crew instead of Lane Bryant. I have shopped at Lane Bryant for my entire adult life. I am scared. The idea of walking into a mall and being able to shop in almost any store overwhelms me. So I need to put away the numbers. No more goals that are related to a scale or size of clothing. I am going to find new goals that are based on health. How much can I lift? How long can I dance? How do I feel physically in my body? 6/13/05 Okay, I said that I am no longer having goals related to pounds, but it simply blows my mind that I have lost 100lbs. Where did it go? I look in the mirror and I don't recognize my body. I had to go out of the country on business and I didn't have to ask for seatbelt extenders. It was still a tight squeeze on one of the planes, but it was a lot more comfy than it was 100lbs ago! I went shopping for summer clothes the other day and I brought all size 26 pants into the dressing room with me. I completely forgot that I don't wear that size anymore. The line was so long, I didn't even go back for smaller sizes. I decided to make some new skirts instead. That way, they fit perfectly. Losing weight does not make pants suddenly fit. Everything that fits my hips is still way too big in the waist. Oh well. Melissa Mermaid recently posted an intriguing question about catharsis/metamophosis (sp?) and here's a copy of my response: "This is a timely post for me. I had a revelation in therapy last week. When I was a little girl, I wanted to be an actress when I grew up. One of my happiest days was when I took a career quiz at a Girl Scout workshop and the results said that I should be an actress or a newscaster. When I got home, I happily announced the results to my mother. My happiest day quickly turned into my saddest when my mother told me that acting was "for white people." I had been raised to believe that I could do anything anyone else could do. I was devestated to be told that it was all a lie. So I let my dream go. I work in film production and recently had to fill-in for an actress at a reading. I received raves from the producer and the director. I have taken a class here and there and always got great feedback, but I was finally in a place where I could believe what I was hearing. When I was telling my therapist my story, I realized that my desire to act is an insatiable hunger - just like the hunger I felt for food before surgery. All these years, I knew I was pushing down my feelings with food. But I thought it was about being abandonded by my father, about my overly-critical and demanding mother - I never realized that the hunger could also be about my abandoned dream. I have denied my dream long enough. I have been in this business long enough to know that the odds are against me, but when I look back on my life, I will know that I tried. Acting may never be my vocation, but it is an avocation that I am going to throw my whole self into. I have contacted a great coach and am taking the steps needed to persue my dream." 7/20/05 I was a month late, but I had my one-year post-op visit with my surgeon yesterday. The bad news is that I have the start of a hernia. I am not pleased because I am not the least interested in having any sort of surgery ever again. I love my DS, but I hated waking up from anesthesia and I detested being in the hospital. I never want to spend another night in a hospital again. The good news is that my body fat percentage has gone from 51% to 36%! Ideal for my age is 21-33%! I'm 3% away from ideal! Although I have a lot of weight to lose, I also know that I have a lot of muscle and I've maintained a good amount of muscle mass during the weight-loss. Yay me! My labs are all good and I'm feeling great. I've freaked out again about trying acting and haven't done much on that front, but I'm working on it in therapy. 9/25/05 Well, my weight loss has slowed considerably. I was freaking out about it for a while, but I lost 4lbs this week and now I am all smiles! I've realized that I can't go to the message boards because I compare myself to everyone and feel horrible when someone has lost more weight than me in less time. I know that I am doing the best I can for my body, but it still kills me. I wish everyone health and happiness! 10/23/05 Just checking in again. The scale hasn't budged, but I just bought a pair of pants in a size 20. This blows my mind. Before surgery, I wore a 34 in pants. I now a 20 seems huge to some folks, but it is a major step for me. I hold up pants in the dressing room and I can't believe that I fit in them. They look so tiny to me! I just had a check-up with my surgeon and he is pleased with my success. I don't want to be defeatest, but I'm 16 months out from surgery and I've lost just over 50% of my excess weight if you go with the BMI charts. Of course, I haven't weighed 138lbs since I was in 3rd grade. What I'm trying to say is that I don't think I'm going to lose 70-80% of my excess weight. Actually, the DS window is allegedly up to 24 months and based on my personal ideal weight, I've lost 57% of my excess weight. I could hit 70%. Or not. Right now, I feel so physically amazing that I don't care so much. I must admit that I have some pretty bad excess skin on my legs. My inner thighs are insanely floppy. I see plastics in my future. I'm starting to have a little bit of a rash in some of my skin folds. Oh well, I was hoping to avoid more surgery, but I do have to have a hernia repaired - so I might as well go all out! 11/13/05 Whoo hoo! I was able to slide the scale down from the 250+ bar to the 200+ bar today and I now have a dot on fitday. Finally! My weightloss is continuing at a surprisingly slow and steady pace. Each time I try to get my head around being done losing weight, I lose five pounds! Dr. Roslin said that my hernia is no big deal and that I just have to get it fixed before I have kids. Yay! This morning, as I was getting ready to go to the gym, I thought my face looked thinner, and I was right. It's so funny that at 115lbs lost, I didn't think much about my face - but somehow losing another five pounds has made some sort of difference. I wonder if anyone at work has noticed the weightloss? I started working at my current job well after my surgery, but I've lost at least twenty pounds since I've been there. No one has said a word. Hmm? I ran all over the city this week and it felt fantastic. I currently have two pairs of pants that fit perfectly without a belt and I am loving it! I finally realized that I need to only buy one pair of pants at a time. That way as I lose weight, I can rotate out of the pants instead of suddenly having all of my pants be too big. I can't believe I have a pair of pants in a size 20. I can't believe that my 22s are too big. I used to wear a 34!!! Of course, these are plus-size 20s. I know that I am setting myself up for disappointment, but I really just want to buy a pair of pants from the Gap. Yes, I am pear shaped and Gap pants don't fit me. But the Gap is my symbol of being normal. I have to work on changing this. Must remember to bring it up in therapy this week! 11/21/05 I really can't get my head around the idea that I've lost 120lbs. That's a whole person! I want to shout it from the roof tops and tell everyone I pass on the street. "I've lost 120lbs!!!" Crazy!!! I feel amazing. Love feeling my muscles in my legs when I do yoga. I love breathing deeply. I love re-learning to take care of myself. 12/5/05 Down another 10lbs!!! Every time I think I am done losing, I lose more weight. Crazy. I just had my tonsils out and I suspect that the liquid diet I was on was why I've lost so much weight. Obviously, I can still lose at 18 months out. Need new pants! Oh, I went shopping yesterday and everything I took into the dressing room was too big. I bought regular size large tops. Crazy. 1/24/06 Had my 19 month check-up. Still doing well. Down 22 lbs since my last check-up in October. Whoo hoo! I don't see it, but I did have to take my belt down a notch. Actually, I think it mostly came out of my boobs. They are completely flat now. I can fold them up if I want. So sad, but I don't mind. I'll get them lifted after I have kids. I've almost lost as much as my chart "ideal" weight. 30lbs from onderland. Whoo hoo. I hope to be there by July. I just quit my job and am going into business for myself. I never would have had the confidence or energy to do this if I had not had surgery. Thank you to everyone who helped me make this decision! 2/26/06 I have a complaint. My bum hurts! We have to get a new couch because I've lost all of my padding! 4/21/06 I can't believe I'm still losing weight! I don't own a scale, so I haven't weighed in a while. Today, I was visiting someone and they had a scale in the bathroom. It said 205! That's twenty-five pounds lost since January! And I'm almost two years out. I've lost 160lbs! I am speechless. I went to a party two weeks ago and one of my friends was saying that I had lost weight since I had seen her a few weeks before and I told her she was crazy. But she nailed it. She knew exactly how much weight I had lost. Weird! I think I hadn't noticed because I lost it above the waist (dang!) and I'm obsessed with my lower body. My pants did seem loose, but I thought it was just because they were stretched out. Woo hoo. Onderland here I come! 4/25/06 I've been writing a lot about my weight, but not so much about my life. One of the biggest things that I've noticed lately is how my relationship with food has changed. Last night, after dinner, I was still a bit hungry. So, in my head, I went through all of the things I could eat: chips, ice cream, cookies. Then it hit me. What I wanted was a salad. So I had a fabulous salad and it was really satisfying. This evening, I was hungry after dinner again (might need to look at serving size, I've been undereating a bit) and I decided that what I really wanted was a TOMATO. Me? Choose a tomato over cookies? But I think it is because I allow myself to eat whatever I want, there is no emotional charge over any kind of food. If I eat a cookie, it's because I think it will taste good and be satisfying, not because I want to spite my mother or because the cookie will make me feel better. Likewise, I don't feel like I'm being "good" if I choose vegetables. If there are any "good" foods, you have to have "bad" foods and those ideas just make us fatter. I don't congratulate myself for eating a salad because it is good for me, I am proud of myself for doing the work to learn and be able to listen to what fuels my body wants and needs. 5/11/06 I went shopping today. I bought a size 14 dress. I am in a state of disbelief. Before surgery, I wore a 26/28 in dresses. I am very pear-shaped and am definitely not a size 14 in pants, but it's still a 14 and it fits beautifully! I am not measuring my success in numbers, but I have to say that it was a wonderful and surprising experience to go to H&M, pick out all of the largest sizes, and then have to go back for smaller sizes. I had so many choices! I love inexpensive fashionable clothes! I'm visiting family this weekend and I just realized that I need a nice outfit for Mother's Day/Church activities and I was able to run out and pick up something cute. That NEVER happened when I was super morbidly obese. I had no idea that it would feel so nice to be normal. 7/10/06 I am a bad DS patient. I passed my two year anniversary last month and I didn't see my surgeon for a check-up. I could say that it isn't entirely my faulty because I have been going through all sorts of hoops trying to get my new insurance card. But, I have had it for a while now and I haven't made appointment. That said, I haven't made an appt to see my gyno either. I guess this is an example of poor self-care, the sort of thing that led me to being super-morbidly-obese in the first place. Well, I did go to the dentist on Friday, so score one for self-care. Anyhoo, I'm feeling a bit down because I just spent some time looking at the profiles of people who had surgery before me or around the same time or even after me and everyone has lost more weight than me. Am I thrilled with my post-surgery life? Yes! Would I do it again? In a minute. Would I change how I went about things? I don't think so. I did not diet post surgery. I wanted to eat in a way that I could maintain for the rest of my life. I think if I had done the strict high-protein/low-carb thing, I would be "off of my diet" now and constantly worried about putting weight back on. As many folks have said, this is surgery on your digestive tract, not your head. I hate the excess skin on my thighs. I hate the saddlebags that are still with me 165lbs later. Oh my god. I have lost 165lbs! That is crazy. What the heck am I complaining about? I love love love my life right now. I'm pursuing my career dreams, I'm marrying the most wonderful man in the world (we've been together since before my surgery), I have loving friends and family (mostly). Every day, there is a moment when I am walking up a few flights of stairs or walking up an incline or sitting comfortably in a chair with arms when I think, "Thank you!" 9/25/06 I’m really bummed right now. Last week, I started the Couch to 5k running program. I added an extra amount of walking and didn’t try running at all until today. Ouch! The excess skin on my legs started flopping and flying all over the place. I was being battered by my own skin. A few weeks ago, I got a look at myself in a fluorescent-lit dressing room and the sight of my thighs made me shudder. I told myself that it was fine, only cosmetic and someday I’ll have the funds to get them reconstructed. Sadly, today I realized that the excess skin is not only cosmetic and I need to make a plan to have it removed. It feels really overwhelming and I will have to fight diligently to not turn this into a reason to beat myself up for letting myself get so fat and stretching out all of my skin in the first place. Dang. I was feeling so happy last week after a miserable few months of family drama. I do not want to sink back into misery! I guess it’s back to the pool until I can get this skin issue resolved. I ordered some running tights. Perhaps they will provide enough compression for me to be able to run. One can only hope!