Shawna P.
http://i137.photobucket.com/albums/q203/midnitefyrfly/BUTTERFLYtree02-1.jpg
This is my "journal" as copied from my old profile that would not convert over.....
6-18-2003
I am trying to find a surgeon that I am comfortable with and that accepts medicaid.
6-26-2003
Okay, I have decided that the support here seems like something I will definitely need and so I am going to start updating my profile and I am going to give a quick rundown of my story. I have not always been fat. I was normal as a small child and chunky at most as an adolecent. When I was 13 I became pregnant and started gaining (YES I said 13!) I lost the baby really late term and sank into a deep eating depression. Food has been my comfort ever since and I now weigh 348 lbs. I started researching WLS two years ago, but never had good insurance and didn't think I could possibly get medicaid to cover it. I still am unsure about that one, BUT I will try and if not maybe down the road I will have better inurance. I want the surgery now because I am a 24 year old, single mom of two small children. They are 3 and 5 and thier father passed away in April of 2002 because of obesity related problems and diabetes (and some issues with the hospital BUT I wont get into that). He was only 27. Now all that I have is me and my kids and I don't want my health to deteriorate anymore. They need me. Right now I have a consultation with Dr. Tillquist in January (a long wait but what can I do?) and I am working on all of my referrals for comorbidities. Hopefully next update I will have gotten my sleep study done. OH and I am 6'tall.
6-29-2003
Well I have NOT gotten to my sleep study. I am too anxious to wait and update just because the surgery is on my mind everyday. I am still so scared about my medicaid approval. Every site I visit says to call and verify coverage yourself, but I was too freakin scared that they would say they don't cover it that I didn't ant to call. Well finally friday I did call. I know that many people have said that the customer service representitaves don't really know so I am afraid to put my money where my mouth is, BUT he said that mediciad will cover anything your Dr feels is necessary and that they do not do a pre-certification. He said to get a referral to the surgeon from my Dr. and then the surgeon just bills medicaid and they WILL pay. If that is so, then I could be jumping for joy right now, but like I said I am not sure. I will call Eileen on Monday (ohh tomorrow already) and see what thier opinion is and see if perhaps THEY can call medicaid for verification just so I know. I hate depending on the Dr's office to do things though... ANYHOO... I'm going to go watch my children play and dream about the day that I can get up and run around with them and play. I might even get around to taking a picture that has my body in it too... EWWW LOL BYE ALL
7-7-2003
Wow I can't believe a week went by! Every week counts when you are waiting. I wish I was waiting for my surgery date but I am just counting down to my consultation still and it is HALF A YEAR AWAY ALMOST!!! I just wanted to say that I FINALLY got some emails! THANKS!! I really enjoy hearing from other people. I get excited when the subject is WLS or something related! OH AND BTW I have my website link above and is DEFINITELY UNDER CONSTRUCTION but there is a picture page if you click around.....
7-10-2003
UHHG AM I the only one who thinks time goes in slow motion when you are waiting? This is worse than being pregnant and waiting!!!! I read all the profiles and people update like 3 times EVER! I am like wow how nice it must be to not be obsessed with it! I guess I am finally just THAT tired of being overwieght and all he limitations!!!
7-12-2003
*POUTS* well everyone around me is getting a lot further than I am! I know I should TRY to have a positive attitude and that 5 years looking back it won't matter that my friend had surgery 6 mos before me, but IT MATTERS NOW!!! LOL okay I am feeling (a little) better. I already am judging everything I eat and every restaurant I go to I am already figuring out what I will be ordering when I am post-op. I am re- evaluating my surgeon options just too see if it is at ALL possible to get in ANY sooner. My issue is that no one wants to take Medicaid. Dr. T's office says they will, but in a doubtful kind of way. I am hoping to get this new job as a county tech. I will be the person who qualifies people for government programs and GUESS WHAT? It will get ME off of the COUNTY PROGRAMS WOOHOO! (they are stupid if they don't hire me *wink*) BUT the best part is I would have insurance of my own and it starts RIGHT AWAY... NO WAITING PERIOD!!!! YAYY *does happy dance* Ok I will quit going on and on cause I know this is getting long to read and I have made no progress so this is just a ME update not a WLS update... 'til next time....
7-17-2003
Well, I went to the support group in Aurora last night with my friend Sierra and Susan (who is a WLS buddy that I met through Obesityhelp.com) and it was pretty cool! I was surprised that I felt comfortable and it was nice to get so many questions answered. There was a woman who had the surgery over a year ago and is not losing and, in fact, has gained back some of what she lost. That was a scary realiziation for me. I am SO scared of failing afterwords and I hadn't really seen anyone who had. She is trying to revamp her diet again, which is great, but it is like starting all over. I hope that I have the will power afterwords to not start back up with carbs. I am still scared because of Dr. T's 2oz puch. I know an ounce difference doesn't seem like much, but it must be if it makes that much difference in wether you get sick or have dumping. None of Dr. T's patients that were at the meeting seem to have dumping. I don't want to be able to eat whatever I want when this is all done. If I could have enough control to eat two ounces at a time I wouldn't need surgery. Well on a positive note... I know this is still what I want and my friend Sierra has her consultation today (the big meany LOL) so I will be excited to see what she finds out from her surgeon!!!!! Ciao for now!
7-24-2003
I did good! I manged not to update evry other day!! I have my PCP appointment Monday and I am glad to be taking some sort of meaningful step. Can I just get my "OMG I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE IT" stuff out of the way?!?!?!? My friend Sierra, who I... ME!!!... I mentioned WLS to- because I wanted to get it... is getting hers done August 22nd!!!! Insurance approved and all! AND I can't even get a consult until JANUARY!!! Is it just me or does that not seem right??? OKAY I am over it though *big fake smile* SO I have really no news to try and share because nothing is happening at all until Monday. I HAVE been going through profile after profile trying to come to grips with all of the possible results and trying to see what I must do to make it! (cause I am gonna you know) I JUST CANNOT BELIEVE HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE OUT THERE HAVING THIS DONE!! I can't even keep up on a daily basis with the people having surgery each week! Well I am off to dream of better days where I can run around (at all) and play with my kids and when I can be on top without DYING ;)
8-03-2003
Well I lost one update somewhere along the way, but here is what is new. I did have my sleep study done and I DO HAVE APNEA! I won't know how severe it is for a few weeks, but at least I know I am gettin my comorbidities in check! Now if time could just go a little faster that would be great! I am going to another support group tonite and I am going to ask some more questions about the 2oz pouch Dr. T. does because I am insane with worry about it! Thats it for now. My webpage is under construction but IT WILL BE COOL... when I ever get done with it LOL
I did go to the support group and it is very cool to meet so many people in person and get to ask all of my burning questions. We did discuss the 2 oz pouch and it was very clear that the people who have it were POSITIVE that there was no difference. I noticed some differences in the people who were there with different size pouches. I also decided to revisit the profiles of people from the two different surgeons that might even be a possibility for me and in the recent (like within the last year) it seems that the people from Dr. T have slower results initially and tend to have more problems with slowed loss and not losing for long enough. I am no Dr. and I would like to say that it is just the difference in the individuals amount of motivation, but it seems to me that more people of Dr. T's are having these kinds of problem. I have heard it over and over about it just being a "tool" but it needs to a good effective one and I want a craftsman quality pouch that is going to withstand more than the first six months not a black and decker or something that is going to stretch right away to allow me to eat more than I should be able to. I know it takes work and discipline but if I had enough discipline to not eat too much and always make the right choices I wouldn't need this surgery. It is my understanding that this "tool" is not supposed to allow you to eat regular amounts of food within six months and that the dumping syndrome is something that is supposed to keep you from eating sugar. ANYWAY I still have my doubts and will continue to explore my possibilities and ask questions probably until the day that I have surgery. The support groups are great and I would definitely reccomend them to people who are pre-op, not just post-op. It is a good chance to start preparing mentally, because from what I understand... that is going to be the most difficult part.
8-9-2003
I think that by the time I am done I will have three profile pages full of updates, vents, and pictures. Well I went out to a bar last night. I was going to come home and post when I was a little intoxicated and VERY emotional and decided to wait until today. Probably a good thing, but a lot of the emotions are very much still here today. It was a good sized bar with a dance floor and a pretty good live band that plays alternative and hip hop with a few parody songs here and there. They attract quite a crowd and more than enough young "trendy" people. On an average day, I would probably say that I am very outgoing and confident enough and that my weight affects those things very little. Last night was a wake up call for me. When I am around people who I am already comfortable with or know well or people who I feel are not someone I care to impress then I am fine. Last night though I was NOT fine! I was so depressed. I felt like every guy in there was looking at me like "OMG she is sooo HUGE, why is she even here?" I used to (probably mistakenly) assume people looked at me cause they liked me or for no paticular reason but last night I was sure that everyone was staring at me thinking YUCK. It was terrible. I dont wanna feellike I have to drink myself oblivious to get some attention and play off some self confidence. It was a huge reality check. I am scared to death of what my life will be like if I do not get this surgery. I am so tired of all of the emotions that come on from being so fat in such a hypocritical society. I am the majority damn it, why do I feel like such an outsider?
9-10-2003
WELL! After my comment about my saga of a profile that I would have, I managed to go over a month in updating!!!! Why? because I really don't have anything positive to say. I know I can come here for support and I probably should, but I hate to be a cloud of darkness for everyone else out there that is going through this. My insurance might possibly terminate way before expected and I don't know if there is anything I can do. I want to call Dr. T's office and beg to take any cancellation possible, but I feel like that is so unfair beacuse there are so many people who have waited their turn and that is probably what I should do, even if it means by the time I get there I will not have insurance. I guess I am intimidated by the Dr's office a little. Maybe because I haven't met anyone there yet and I have not actually gotten an official opinion that I seriously need this surgery. I go see my PCP tomorrow, this time to fully address WLS. I have been worried because I felt I didn't have significant comorbidities, but I do have severe sleep apnea (still waiting for my CPAP) and guess what? Now my blood pressure is on the rise. It was WAY high at my last Dr. appt. A month ago I would have been thrilled to know I had one more comorbidity... Now as I watch the quality of my life decrease (what seems like) everyday and I face the possibility that I may lose my insurance high blood pressure is the last thing I want. When Thomas died, he went from normal healthy check-ups and blood work at 24 to death at 27 from diabetic keto acidosis with high triglycerides and high blood pressure. DIED! Like gone- can't see our kids anymore, can't ever smile or cry again,can't do anything. That is my biggest fear. This body that I walk around in is a prison. It restricts me from the life I know I deserve. It is also a constant reminder of all the ways I have cheated myself and have allowed this to happen. I can't keep up with my head anymore. I want to do things and go places and I have such big dreams that all seem impossible in this body. My kids are counting on me and only me to help them learn how to fulfill their dreams and grow up healthy and competent. They already saw first hand how food can destroy a person and they suffered the greatest loss I can imagine because of it. I plague myself with guilt because it seems with all this knowledge I could just excersize and eat right and it would all be so easy. It's not. This surgery is the key for me to open up the door to the great possibilities for the rest of my life and I am so afraid tha someone who doesn't know me or my family is going to take that key and throw it away and move on to start handing out keys to everyone else.
9-13-2003
OMG!!!! It is a freakin miracle!!! I am knocking on wood as we speak... BUT.... I think my pity party is over!!! Ok so ya wanna know why? I AM 99.9% POSITIVE THAT I GOT A NEW JOB!!!! It is at a salon doing nails again and it is the hours I want and the flexibility I need, but EVEN BETTER.... I WILL HAVE INSURANCE.... AND EVEN BETTER BETTER.... it is UNITED.... and the BEST.... it is effective in 30 days from my first day of work!!!!!!!!!! Ok so I am a little bit excited... heh. I am not brave enough to change my surgeon and my insurance YET, just because I haven't signed any papers or actually had my first day, BUT BELIEVE ME YOU on that very day I will change it and I will be going to Dr. Brown like my good (awesome better than me) friend Sierra did and I will not have the dreaded 2 oz pouch and I won't have to wait until January for a consult.... HOPEFULLY I WILL BE POST OP BY THEN!! (KNOCK KNOCK KNOCKING ON WOOD!!!!) Wish me luck and I will update as soon as I am for sure on anything... BUT YAY I (might) HAVE A JOB!!!!!!!!
9-29-2003
Well I have really not wanted to come and update. No news is good news and I don't have such good news. I didn't get the job. I am sad and my self esteem a little wounded. I am also frustrated because I am sure the decision was based on the personality conflict of me and the nail tech who was judging my skills instead of my actual ability. Luckily all the action has made some time go by faster and my consulation with Dr. Tillquist is growing closer. I AM thankful that I do still have medicaid and that I am not completely out of the loop for getting surgery. I have also heard from a few people with medicaid who have confirmed that Medicaid just requires your Dr('s) to find it medically nec. and the are not requiring diet histories. I am still going to follow the recommendations of me PCP to weigh in at Dr. Tillquists office. I called today and actually got Eileen on the phone (CAN YA BELIVE IT ON MY FIRST TRY EVEN) and she said it is fine if I weigh in so I will be going every Friday. On a more personal note... my best friend Sierra is probably going to be moving out of state and I am quite sad. I want to be the good supportive friend that wants the best for her (which I do) but it is hard to imagine my life without her so close by and without going through this surgery with her. Ever since I have met her she has been such a source for guidance and support for me, the kind of friend I didn't even know existed. She has been there for me through the absolute worst times of my life and helped me through and I made it to the other side smarter and stronger with her help. I know nothing is certain except change, but this is one change I wasn't expecting and that I am having a hard time swallowing.
10-13-2003
YAY! I get to come and post an update that is ALL GOOD NEWS!!! First off let me tell ya what was going on. I have been so worried about losing my insurnace before time comes and trying ot figure out ANYthing I could do... I called a Dr. in Ft. Collins and scheduled a consultation for January 6, 14 days earlier than my appt. with Dr. T. She also schedules surgery only about a month out from your consult... so I figured that could save me 2 almost 2 mos time. Well this surgeon seams to do mostly open and has only a few lap surgeries and I just do not want to deal with the healing time of open surgery. So i was wavering on wether I should chance waiting the extra time to be more sure of my surgeon. I was just getting ready to call the Ft. Collins Surgeon to ask some questions when I noticed I had a message on my phone. It was Eileen!!!! They had some openings and she said I could come in THIS week and to call her back. THANKFULLY I got the message in time and there was still an opening!!!! TOMORROW!!!!! Can you believe it!?!!?! I have to go in early because I haven't even received the pre-op paperwork or anything and now I can be moving along to the nutrition class and a psych eval. and all the stuff that makes this feel so real. I could not be any more happy right now!!!! I just want to say to everyone who is out there and is at any stage of this process that as much as I doubted them... support groups are wonderful! Everyone that I have me at the support groups I have been to has helped me in some way. I have gone to every single Aurora support group since I went to the first one and this has been so much easier when I can share in it with other people who really know what I am going through. Maybe everything DOES happen for a reason and PHOOEY on that silly job! hehe So here begins my first big step! WISH ME LUCK!!!!
10-14-2003
Okay Well I got to officially change my profile to "Consult with surgeon COMPLETED" YAAAAAAY! It feels like this isn't happeneing to me. I really liked most of my experience at Dr. T's office. I just wish they could really submit to insurance RIGHT AWAY, but I understand their office is busier than most. This is kind of bittersweet because I am feeling bad about my friend Susan. She is so patiently awaiting her consult and so diligently following Cigna's requirements and I hate to feel like I am leaving her behind. Now I know how my friend Sierra felt when I was raggin on her because she got to go so soon... OKAY SORRY SIERRA AND SORRY SUSAN.... I just dont want to be fat anymore :) I now have to do the psych evaluation, the nutrition class, a treadmill teast, and get all my records to the surgeon. Eileen says then as soon as she gets to it :( she will send it to Medicaid and that they take about 4 weeks. Then surgery should be in about 2 weeks. YAAAAAAY!
10-25-2003
Well I did my treadmill test and I have not gotten the official results, but my EKG was normal during the whole thing (which was only about 2 minutes). The test confirmed what I have been saying while evryone has been thinking I was nuts.I have Tachycardia (fast heartbeat). I have had a membership at Bally's off and on since I was 13. This last time (which my membership is still current AND EXPENSIVE) has been for about a year. When I go to workout on the treadmill it has an automatic heart sensor. You put in your weight and intensity (cardio or fat burning) and the machine adjusts to keep your heart rate in a safe range. My resting HR is over a 100 and within MINUTES on the treadmill my heart rate is higher than it is supposed to go and the treadmill slows to a crawl. I have cheated several times and just done it where I set the intensity myself and have worked out with my HR at 180 for 20 minutes and then I feel like I am going to die. I have told so many Dr's and everyone always looks at me like I am nuts and that it is just an excuse to not excercize. Well now I finally have an official diagnosis so I don't feel so crazy anymore and I know that at my weight and with my HR the way it is, it really ISN'T safe for me to be exercizing like that. It is kind of scary and I was afraid of what the test would say. So far it looks like I will get cleared for surgery though because my heart did handle the immediate stress well. It is just so weird when you know something is wrong and no one beleives you. I have my nutrition class tomorrow and I will see my PCP on Wednesday to get her official letter of reccomendation and to go over all of my recent tests and such. (PLEASE LET HER BE SUPPORTIVE!!!!) Then on to my psych evaluation on Thursday and then I should have everything at least on it's way to Eileen. I get so close to tears every time I come and post. It is usually after reading 50 or so profiles and realizing that this is really happening. All of the problems I have had that have made my life so miserable... that I just thought were a part of life and never even thought about getting medical treatment much less trying to CURE them, might actually go away and I can begin to live life WITH my children again. I'm not hoping to be a supermodel with a perfect life. I just would like a fair chance to start my day with out a headache, to go up more than 10 stairs without feeling like I am going to die, and to know that I can reach my goals. I don't know how this world has even gotten to a place where so many people so desperately need this surgery, but being on the unfortunate side of the situation... I am thankful everyday to even have a CHANCE for a surgical procedure that could change my life. :)
10-26-2003
Sometimes it amazes me that I have so much to say. This journey has become the most personal and dear thing to me in the last months, yet for some reason I am so eager to share everything... even my deepest thoughts and feelings about it. I never really expected this page of mine on obesityhelp to become a sacred place full of hope and disappointment and joy and heartache and hopes and dreams. I thought it was kind of silly at first actually and as I have read more and more profiles, I realize this page may actually be the beginning of everything that might become my life in a year. So anyway, here I am after what was a long day for me. I dreamt that I had surgery last night and it was so real and I felt so free and I was actually saying in my dream how happy I was that I was finally where I wanted to be and no one could ever take this chance away from me. Well unfortunately, I woke up! I realized just how scared I am that I will not get to have this surgery. How funny that sounds, but I just don't know how I could ever get to where I want to be without it.
I went to Kelly's nutrition class today. I looked around a room full of people with stories not much different than mine and I knew they were all where I am... Holding on for dear life to their hopes waiting for a chance to live again. I don't know what was going through each individuals mind at that moment, but I could imagine. Kelly had everyone do an introduction of who they are and why they want surgery. As each person shared, I wanted to cry. So many people... all just asking to live... TO LIVE!!!! and you know... life like this... like I am.... so heavy... so tired... it really isn't much like living at all. Each person named off thier ailments... all similar and so many LIFE THREATENING and I looked around at a group of people with bodies that are slowly dying while thier amazing spirit tries to find a way to live. I don't know what made it hit me so hard this time. When I had to introduce myself I sucked in a deep breath and thought "talk fast, think little, and you won't cry" I could hear my own voice shaking when I explained that I just want to see my kids grow up and that sharp heartbreaking pain hit me that my kids' Dad isn't here and I have no gaurantees that I will get to watch them grow up. The woman two seats away from me got teary eyed as she explained that she wants to see her grandchild get married! I just don't know how this can happen to so many people... and... I am just so scared I will be trapped in this body waiting to die instead of getting the chance to live again. I saw in the video at the Dr's office that EVERYONE thinks they won't get approved or they won't suceed. I guess it is kind of like when a person who wants to commit suicide is afraid they might survive and be paralized and everyone will know what they tried to do. It's hard to put yourself out there on the line with such a life changing decision... open to everyone's critisizm... open to denial... and open to one last failure. I go to the support groups and read all I can here on obesityhelp and ask everyone I possibly can any question that might help me make the right choices. There is that part of me that wants to embrace surgery and all it has to offer me and all the ways I will be empowered to change my life... yet there is that little part of me that says what if you don't get approved? I will need to embrace life WITHOUT surgery... and so I go back to waiting for my chance... thankful for my place in line.
SOMEWHERE IN BETWEEN
I can't be losing sleep over this, no, I can't and I cannot stop pacing. Give me a few hours and I'll have this all sorted out -if my mind would just stop racing. I cannot stand still. I cannot be this unsturdy. This cannot be happening. This is over my head but underneath my feet because by tomorrow morning I'll have this thing beat and everything will be back to the way it was. I wish that it was just that easy. I am waiting for tonight, then waiting for tomorrow, and I am somewhere in between what is real and just a dream. Would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in? Don't be surprised if I collapse down at your feet again. I don't want to run away from this. I know that I just don't need this- Lifehouse
11-5-2003
Well not too much further in my process. I tried to go to Arapahoe Douglas Mental Health as my insurance advised me for the psych eval. It was horrible!!! The clinician that I got to see was beginning to do an intake for mental health treatment. I explained and rexplained why I was there and that I had informed them of that when I made my appointment. He kept looking at me like I was the stupidist thing he has ever seen and told me he could not POSSIBLY approve me for a life threatening surgery and that a Dr. needs to do that. I explained AGAIN what I was in need of and he said that no psychologist shoudl ever clear soemone for surgery because it makes them liable and that he didn't even know me and would never do it. THANKS! He even went as far to say that if I overeat and blow my insides out that he cannot be held responsible. WOW! I tried to get some support at group on Monday and a woman there basically busted agut laughing that I even tried to go through ADMH. I guess some people don't understand what its like when you just cant pay for it yourself and your insurance is so limited. So I will stick with my appointment on the 11th with the psychologist that I feel comfortable with and she has done bariatric evaluations before so I wont be going in there defending myself from the get go. I am still like a hamster walking very slowly on my wheel, but the day that I will get off and run is getting closer all the time!!!! :)
11-18-2003
Well a lot has been going on. I hesitated to post because of what happened last time so I waited until it was a done deal and it is... I HAVE A JOB!!! I wasn't really trying or looking too hard. I had decided to wait until surgery was over. Well a friend from support group called to see if I wanted a job and long story short, I now am working for her!!! YAY! My insurance will remain Medicaid, so nothing will change in way of my surgery. I did get my psych eval done with the woman I mentioned. She was great and helped me a lot. She also agreed my bi-polar diagnosis was not really valid (always nice to know you AREN'T bi-polar lol)and we discussed what I may need in the future, but all is a go for now and I feel good about it. The bad now... I have the FLU! This is the worst I have EVER EVER felt in my life!!!! I already have missed two days of my new job and I can't believe I still feel this sick. I have been drinking echinacea tea and taking echinacea pills along with zinc and vitamin C and they put me on Tamiflu to help try and shorten the course. I have been taking dayquil and nyquil and robitussin and I just know I would be dead if it weren't for all of the meds. (Ok maybe I wouldn't BE dead, but I'd RATHER be) Today is the first day I could actually get up and sit at the computer, but 30 minutes and I have to go back to bed to regain strength. Is that rediculous or what? I AM GETTING MY FLU SHOT NEXT YEAR!!!! WAAAH! Ok I am over my pity party for now. I got so caught up with being sick that I neglected to fax my letter from my PCP until today (had it since last Thursday). Who would think after all the whining I do, that I would delay my process by a whole 6 days?????? I just was too sick to care. Today it was the boredom of bedrest that motivated me I think because I am still feeling like nothing really matters until I get rid of the flu and can actually breathe again. Anyway. I about used up all of my energy for a while... back to bed. Trying to be well enough for work or maybe at least support group tomorrow, but not hopeful. It will be Sierra's last support group, so I really want to go. We'll see...
11-26-2003
Well... GUESS WHAT? I AM APPROVED!!!!!! I am really relieved, but not as excited as I could be. I am just too stressed with everything right now and I had kind of put all of my surgery hopes on the back burner as not to drive myself crazy and now so many things are pressing for me that it is hard to get back my enthusiasm. I am unsure of my new job. It is a ver big office and I have never been around so many horribly gossiping people! I dont even want to attempt to make any friends cause I hear everyone talking crap about everyone else 5 minutes after that person leaves. Finance really isn't a strong intrest to me and there are a lot of systems and a lot of training required. I am just not sure if I want to invest my time or waste thiers when my heart isn't in it. I am just not one of those "it's a paycheck" kind of people. I think I may call the temp agency and see if they have anything in the human services field. I am still planning on moving not too long before surgery, which at this point looks like right after christmas. Packing and moving and then having surgery isn't too high on my list of fun things to do. ANYWAY... I am getting excited and Im sure in a few days I will be as happy as I thought I would be. YAY!!!! I AM APPROVED!!!!
12-03-03
Well... I am almost too tired to update so this will have to be continued tomorrow maybe... BUT the basics are... My original date was January 29th.... only tentative as of yesterday. By some miracle and the help of a very caring friend, I am having surgery on MONDAY... like in 5 days Monday. I am in shock still and will have plenty emotions to follow....
Ok continued... 12-4-03
Well my shock has subsided a little and now some preparations are on my mind. It still feels too good to be true. I passed on a chance to go out with some people from work tonite and also decided to not go to my Christmas party tomorrow night. Yes part of me wants one last hurrah before surgery, but I am too afraid of getting sick from being around so many poeple and I don't want any more alcohol or dehydration before surgery because I wanna stay as well as possible. Maybe I am worrying too much, but I really just want to get through this. It still seems like something bad must happen cause I have been so fortunate. I am back into thinking about all of the major changes and all too aware of what I know I can/cannot eat. I thought I would want to be an eating machine all up until the last possible minute, but I don't feel like eating. i wanted to have my own extended last supper and eat once at all my favorite restaraunts one more time, but I would not trade my date for all of that ever. Guess I am making some progress mentally. I hope it my mindset stays good. I still cannot say just how thankful I am for everyone that is in my life right now. I may update the night before surgery, but otherwise I will post from the other side!!! ( WOW I cannot believe I got to SAY THAT!!!!)
12-16-03
Well here it is and it is TRUE! I am on the other side!!!!! I wasn't quite up to updating at first. I had to use all of my energy to get in liquids and keep up with my kids and by the time I got to my bedroom where my computer was... well it was update or go to bed and I went to bed. I stayed four days. I had some nausea and headaches pretty bad the last two days. Pre op was not too big of a deal besides me getting an IV in my neck. Guess I was till dehydrated and they couldnt get a vein anywhere else. I went to work Monday (a week from surgery) and it was not too bad. I feel good. I am a little hungry at times. The first two days home were the worst because I was watching my family eat so many things that I couldn't have. I did try some broth off of some hot and sour soup... that was soo good. I will start pureed tomorrow at 10 days... just cant wait until 14. I am soooo excited for cottage cheese LOL!!! It is definitely easier to be at work where there isnt my kitchen right around the corner. I actually FORGOT that I couldnt eat!!! The burrito guy came and I was thinking "hmmm I have a $2 credit maybe I should get one" HAHA then I was like ok "HELLO SHAWNA YOU ARE ON LIQUIDS" That was fun.
I havent weighed yet. I see CJ on Tuesday. I might stop and weigh before support group just so I cann have some progress to report. I dont really "feel" any loss yet but I am sure I have. TTFN and hope to see more people at the support group!
12-17-03
Well my energy still is pretty good. I cannot stand the children's vitamins anymore, but I choke 'em down. I gave in and weighed yesterday and I am down 13 lbs in 8 days!!!! Feels cool and scary. I just dont want it to stop. I am excited for pureed foods, but not for a plateau. It is also easier to not eat anything that tastes good at all than to try and just eat a little. My head quickly thinks I can have more. It is so strange because fatty foods are a whole world away right now. I am just excited to be able to have some cottage cheese or some tuna salad. I could care less if I ever see a taco shell or tortilla or potatoe again for now. I know that will probably change. I am scared of that too. I wonder when I can start exercising? Maybe that will help ease my tensions and I will feel like it is okay to eat something.
12-22-2003
I should probably wait until tomorrow to update because I will not get weighed until then, but a lot is on my mind. This is definitely hard. I struggle with guilt for everything I eat, wondering if I could have had one more day of liquids or if I could have had one less meal of pureed. I am HUNGRY in my head I guess and it is hard. I have gone through all of the profiles of people who had surgery on the 8th or the 9th and VERY FEW speak of how they ar e feeling about food or what they have been eating thus far. It is so hard for me to believe that so many people with no other option besides surgery to change their eating habits and no one is talking about the food. I feel like I am alone and everyone else is in the bliss of not having an appetite. People say it will feel different when I can have more solid food, but nothing I am eating right now makes me any kind of "full" feeling. I have had mashed potatoes, egg, some tuna very mushed up with a little mayo, hot and sour soup and I ate the tofu, and a small piece of american cheese. It is great to have something "real" but it is mixed with feelings of guilt and wanting more. Hopefully weighing will remind me AGAIN why I did this.
12-30-03
Part 1
WELL I am silly. I COULD just wait and update after I go see my Dr. this afternoon and get weighed, but I never updated after I weighed last time. I was down a total of 20 lbs at my last appt. I keep yelling at Sierra for not updating her profile and keeping track of what she lost when.... sooo I guess I better try to practice what I preach. It is still a struggle and my pouch seems to be mad at me as of lately. Liquids weren't even going so well the last few days. The NP at my Dr's said to rest it so I had liquids and had tomatoe soup for dinner. It was all good and today the water is doing a little better. I need to go in sometime today because one of my incision sites has some stitch pieces that are poking me and I keep making a hole when I try to get to them. I hope she can numb it when she tries to get to it!!!! So part two will be when I get back from the Dr's.
1-28-04
Ok well I HAD a prt two... guess it disappeared and I have no idea what it said. I am bad at updating, but I am trying to make this a different experience than before surgery. I don't want to be obsessed. I am down 50 lbs from my top weight of 360 at my consultation. It's very cool, but eating is not going so good. If anyone around 7/8 weeks out comes accross this and would like to share what they are eating I would be so greatful. I go tomorrow for an upper GI to make sure I dont have a stricture. I never thought I would have a hard time eating.I havent started exercising because I was moving and it was a lot of work. I decided I didn't want to go to Bally's and looked at 24 hour fitness and wanted to cry! It was like walking barbie land!!!! I got in the hot tub with my (then) boyfriend (yes I am single again too!) and there were two girls in bikinis and I DID not want to be there! I finally got in when the girls left and got to listen to the guys talk about how they thought the girls were so hot. WAH! So finally I went to this private club that is much closer to my house and it is AWESOME! Totally family oriented, great daycare program that is included, free tanning, pool, hot tub, steam room, massage.... I LOVE IT! There were all ages from teens to seniors and everyone was so friendly. Time to fight the shar-pei syndrome!!!!! Other than that I just hope that my eating gets better. I am probably still only getting 400-500 calories :( I dont throw up (I cant) I just feel nauseated pretty much after one or two bites. I am back to soft foods mostly cause anything else makes me VERY VERY uncomfortable. Who ever thought I would be hating food like I have been. I just want a more normal healthy relationship with food... my head is ready for that, my pouch isn't. Well I will try and update when I know the results of my upper GI.
02-09-04
Well I did have my upper GI results come back and they were normal. I guess that maybe just knowing that relaxed me and I was able to try a little harder to make eating go better. It IS going a little better, but I swear my pouch is shrinking. I tried refried beans from taco bell again and I couldnt even eat half! I was able to eat that much when I was on soft foods. Now there is no way. It seems like everything is getting harder to eat. I am not getting as nauseated because I am totally cutting my quantity. It is interesting to say the least. I have still been going to the gym and even so I expected a slow down because I had eaten carbs a few more times then I should have and I lost 11 lbs since last Thursday.. That's in FOUR DAYS! SO I am at 292 now. Wow and I was just hoping to get down under 300 from 303 this weekend. This is a miracle, thats all I know. Everytime I get on the scale and think how hard or impossible it would have been to ever get down even this much, I realize I would have been obese my whole life if it weren't for this surgery. It isn't always easy, and there are so many changes... but I am SO THANKFUL! Oh and by the way I found a liquid calcium citrate thanks to Michelle form my support group. It is blueberry Bluebonnet and it is not bad at all and only a tablespoon twice a day!!! YAY!
3-1-04
WELL... It's taking every ounce of will power I have not to delete the past post. I dont know for sure what happened.... Either the scale at the gym was wrong or the weight training really did make me gain. Unfortunately the scale at the gym was all I had to go by for a while and I am not sure when I weighed what for sure now. The sad truth is that I am at 300 even today. I started doing my eating on fitday and I have not been over 600 calories once since I started except yesterday when I went to a bridal shower and grazed on the nuts while everyone had cake.... nuts are high calorie!!!! ANYWAY... I was at 303 at my appt with CJ and now 300 even so I am hoping that the weight is moving again. I also decided to slow down the weight training for a while. I heard you actualy can gain initially and I wanna see the scale move again. I will continue LOW resitance training but thats it, well and of course my cardio. So other than that little misunderstanding I am doing okay. I guess I am realizing how negative my personality can be. I cant believe how much I hated to see people complain about plateaus and only losing this much or that much when I was pre op.... now that is the story of my life. I keep reading and reading profiles... seeing where people are and everyone else is soooo thankful... I guess I just dont feel it yet. I am still tired, still get fatigued.... wanna see more improvement... I have grass is greener on the other side syndrome.
3-9-04
Where to begin.... I am down 5 more pounds... at 295!!! YAY but it is always a daily struggle. Sometimes I cant hardly eat anything of something and sometimes I can eat a ton. (well a ton is probably half a cup or MAYBE almost 3/4 of a cup of a few things) My Dr's office says NEVER go over 2 oz until you are at goal.... yeah okay THATS possible! If I could just stop at 2oz I woulda just wrote a book called "The 2 oz diet" and followed it and never had surgery. I am following most of the rules and trying very hard to measure out everything and havent been drinking when i eat besides a few sips at a restauraunt. It has helped with not getting sick and showed me how to eat a little slower, but sometimes after my 2 oz I am still hungry. My fitday is still showing my calories around 600 to 800 sometimes.... but I still feel like I am over eating. Guess it is just that typical feeling that I am going to fail at this too.I've heard from several people that they lose better when they up thier calories a little. I dont know how. I have small snacks if I feel like it and so I eat 5 times a day sometimes but my calories stay the same. I would like to be able to lower the fat content. My little pie chart on fitday never shows protien as significantly higher than fat.... they are always about equal. I am going to try more turkey and more seafood if I can tolerate it. I eat carbs in moderation but I dont deprive myself. IF I make mac and cheese for the kids and I wants ome then I have some (some being a few bites which equals a meal) I still like a pickle spear or a few green olives for a snack. I am going to the gym still (kinda bored) but trying to vary my cardio machines. The elliptical still is intimidating and i can only do a few minutes still. I am waiting til I have some more endurance and Im going to try a beginner step class. Also considering the water aerobics... they looked fun. Thats about it for me....
I wanted to mention how great everyone at our support group is and would like to really reccomend everyone find one that they can go to. My freind's insurance appeal was denied and I asked the group if they could email her some support and my friend just was astounded by how many people responded. She was actually crying happy tears when we were talking about it.... it was one of those moments you wish you could capture the feeling and bring it back whenever you want because it felt so good to know people could be so great.... it sure is nice to feel loved.... and to all of you who are great supporters.... THANK YOU!!!!! you make a difference in people's lives!!!!!!
3-24-04
Hello to everyone who bothers to read this thing.... It hasn't even been a month and I am down to 285!!! I went to see CJ today and I was 286 WITH MY JEANS ON!!!!! I always try to wear lighter pants so I can get a little more accurate weight, but I dont have any more that fit me!!!!! I went to friends bachelorette party almost 3 weeks ago and I was wearing pants that I had just bought for going out. Well when I was running for the limo- they fell down to my knees!!!!!! It was bittersweet. I am all too used to growing out of my pants... but not the other way around.
My eating has been what feels like "bad" to me. I have had french fries a couple times this month and a few doritos or chips here and some mashed potatoes there... not to mention when I had enchiladas for like 5 meals in a row (DAMN THEY ARE GOOD) but I did make mine with turkey this time and used olive oil to make the red chile. I even had some wedding cake at my friends wedding!!!! I didnt get sick.... but it didn't make the flood gates come open to sweets. Its amazing how my mind has changed. I still dont feel deprived. I miss some things every once in a while.... and sometimes I'll even have a taste, but I dont feel out of control like I did. OHHHH..... AND I NO LONGER QUALIFY FOR SURGERY!!!!!! Sorry but I was just counting down 'til I could say that.... my BMI is 38! I dunno what I did this month besides upping the calories and slowing the exercise down(that doesnt sound right does it?) but I lost 17lbs between this and last months appt..... and the month before when I threw up everything and weight trained my butt off, I lost 6 lbs!!!! Not that Im advocating eating like a pig or not exercising, but maybe I was overdoing it and freaking my body out???? ANYWAYS I am so happy this is working for me and I will never ever regret it. I have a long ways to go, but I see the light at the end of the tunnel!!!! To all of you who are somewhere in this journey whether it be the beginning or the end, my thoughts and all my best wishes are with you because you ALL deserve to find hapiness!!!
3-25-04
Not a real update but I thought I'd put something here because it drives me nuts when I see a profile on the updated list and then there is no update! I had to correct my weights because I had put 385 and 386 instead of 2!!!!! How funny that I guess mentally I am still thinking 3 hundred and something pounds!!!! Thanks Susan for pointing that out and sorry for the confusion!!!
4-28-04
Who knew I would get bad at updating? I know it could be worse, but I posted so often before surgery. I can't say I'm out living life and forget to post, but life is better! My mind just isn't on my profile like it used to be.... ANYWAY.... I am now at 272. It's good to have some time between posts to see that the weight IS moving. I can eat a little more, but I try to be good. 12 more lbs to 100! Then out goes my scale and here comes the weights!!! really!!!
5-17-2004
Well not quite a month and I am fluctuating between 261 and 263. Jeez I just wanna get to 260!!!! I have been sick though. I had an upper GI last week and from what I understand part of my small bowel is enlarged. I dunno what that could mean, but I DONT WANT MORE SURGERY!!!! I am supposed to get some other test done soon as Dr T decides which one to do. Other than this week cause I have felt so crappy, I have been doing weights instead. I hope it helps me in the long run. Im ready to feel better and get on with things....
5-27-04
I just need to vent! I am holding at 260... so I made my 100 lbs mark... yay. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful and pleased and all that, but I am about at my ropes end right now. i have been sick for what might as well be a lifetime. ALMOST everything I ingest hurts... BAD. I'm either week and hungry, sick and feel like I'm dying, in a world that doesnt quite feel like here cause I need vicodan to get through when I feel like I'm sick or dying, or on a pain medicine hangover. All of this in what be the most busy summer of my life. I am taking full time college classes which are at an accelerated pace for summer, I enrolled my son in Karate and my daughter in dance, I got a new puppy. I was soooo ready and happy to be taking on so much and then BAM! suddenly I can't even get through one day it feels like- and to make it all worse... I still dunno whats wrong!!!! I go for my second upper GI which will hopefully confirm a hernia... yeah HOPEFULLY! WHY? cause then at least I'd know what was wrong and something can be done. This of course... is assuming they can somehow manage to do the test with my kids there because I have no babysitter. Im frustrated beyond beleif. Im tired of being in pain. If I have to reschedule that means a whole nother week until I can get in and even if I get in tomorrow, then who knows when I could fit in the surgery if thats what it comes to, because I have no one to watch my kids.... Im sorry.... this is about as pity party as it gets and I wish I didnt feel so sad and desperate.... how do single mothers do it?!?!?!?!
June 23, 2004
I can't beleive I am sitting here as a 6mos+ post op! A year ago I only dreamed I would be here. It has been everything good and bad I could have hoped for, but I have to say that I am still so happy with my choice. Physically the issues seem to be improving. I am not in as much pain or as sick as I was. Mentally is another story. I haven't gotten to a point where I see who is really in the mirror. I still see me the same as I did when I was 360 lbs. I also am having problems with dating still. I still don't know how to feel good about me and I know it shows. I swear at this point I wish I never had to get naked in front of someone EVER again. I don't know if I will ever be able to afford plastic surhery like I want and this is a trade off in the other direction. I will never regret it because of how I feel and how my health has changed and what it means for my future health, but it has NOT helped much with my self esteem. I have been comtemplating whether I want to try again with my ex (all of you who know me- don't be sending me flaming emails lol)I am at a real crossroads. Excited about what COULD be in the future yet depressed about what IS today. I know all I need to know about why I shouldn't be with a guy who is like my ex in the ways he is and I'm sure anyone who knew about us could give me their own list, but no one is walking my shoes everyday. I feel like my obligations in life have sucked the life right out of me. I can barely get motivated to do the things I used to love- like date, go to the gym, go to support group, go out dancing... and even when I find that motivation I am so limited with my time and my babysitting options :( I have also become so incredibly short with my kids because I am with them all the time and balancing 12 other tasks at the same time. I live with my grandma and my kids and I do the cooking for all of us, I take care of the yard (which is bigger than I wanna mow LOL), I take the kids to their day camp and their classes, I'm taking 10 credits for the short summer semester, and all the other typical family errands and household chores. Then to try and add a social life is more stressful than its worth it seems. I am doing my classes online and so I have to juggle the kids with studying and the two days of daycare I do have I have had to use to get to Dr's appointments and I am tired of this life. I need help. I know my ex may not be the best option, but I am not sure what others I have right now. I can't even enjoy dating because I am immediately sizing them up for long term potential and wondering how much they can help me. I don't want it to be that way. I miss having help with laundry and the yard and someone to cook dinner or run to the store or take the kids to an appointment or class when I am busy. I miss going out with my friends just to hang out and not having to stress about howlate I stay out because my grandma will be mad for a week. Im tired of missing special occasions with friends because I can't get a babysitter. I miss having a sex life with one person who is predictable and always makes me feel sexy. I miss having someone to cuddle up and watch a movie or to go to the park with with no notice. I am just venting. I haven't made any decisions and there are still some things that would need to happen before I could take him back... but my mind isn't closed to it 100% like it was before. Who knows maybe today is just the worst of many bad days and tomorrow I will be going "WHAT WAS I THINKING?" but for now it seems better than where I'm at. I keep thinking that if I just lose "this much" more weight than I will somehow become more capable, or more datable, or more emloyable, and that I will work it out alone, but instead I just feel more alone. Where did that strong minded determined single mom go? I dunno I think she's too tired to remember.
7-7-04
Ok I was suffering from temporary insanity. I haven't completely rebounded from my pity party, but I am feeling better and a little more realistic. There is still a deep down part of me that is in love with the idea of being in love. I had to really look at where I am in my life and what it has taken me to get here. I'm not ready to take any chances and put my future in anyone else's hands. It was a tough choice, but I stood my ground with my ex and decided we are both better off working on ourselves alone instead of together. He says he will do that and be here for me when I am ready, but I am not holding my breath for anything. I've decided I am human and I don't need to be superwoman. Sometimes my grandma makes me feel like I am not good enough and don't do enough, but she isn't in my shoes. So if the laundry basket is always half full... it's ok I'm moving on... lol.
So as for my weight which is why I should really be posting here, I am at 244 as of today. I seem to drop several pounds at once... like 6-7 and then flucuate up and down 2-3 until my body decides it is ready I guess. I am only making it to the gym 2 times a week, but that's better than nothing. I will try and work in another day somewhere, but my schedule just isn't permitting right now. I still struggle with what I can eat. I am still having random pains after I eat sometimes. I had one the other day at Wal-Mart and I was laying on the bench in layaway waiting for my kids to come out of the bathroom and I was freaking out. I hurt so much I couldn't even bring myself to ask someone for help. I was thinking "How are my kids and Grandma going to get home when the ambulance comes?" My kids came out and I was so scared to tell them to call an ambulance and then finally it started subsiding. That was the second time it has been that bad. I think I eat carbs more than I should because they are less likely to cause the pain. I think I heard it referred to as "soft food syndrome" somewhere. I am 54 lbs away from goal and worry if I will make it. I haven't yet fallen under a 10 lbs a month loss- even the month where I didn't go to the gym, but every pound feels like it may be the last one I lose.
7-14-04
Life is just really an amazing thing... beyond what I think I will ever comprehend... emotions and experiences so simple yet so complex.... and all mindblowing right now. I never thought I would have to work so hard to talk myself into having some self esteem. Why do I have to be the human doormat and think that I am the one who needs to accomodate everybody? I am sooooooooo tired of the dating scene and the guy(s) in my life and I am even unsure of some of my choices in "friends." I can't put the blame just on them because I do not say what I mean and I let things go too far until I am so annoyed I have no choice but to say what I really think because I can't stand it. Why am I so desperate to be loved and be "in love?" Why is what I have right now and today... never EVER good enough? Maybe I need some counseling. Maybe someone out there can actually help me answer some of these questions for the right price *rolls eyes*.
A good friend's mom died this week. It was actually the mother of the friend who's wedding I went to just a few short weeks ago. Talk about a great woman. I laughed with her and cried with her at the wedding... for my loves and losses as well as hers and just for the life we have had and now she is gone. I always think I have gotten the message loud and clear that we never know what time we will have here, yet it never fails to feel like I am just realizing that I am mortal all over again when someone goes from here. They think she died from sleep apnea. She was 44 and had 5 kids from 18 to 27. Where is my cpap? ...in my closet collecting dust.
I always feel like I need to do more and be more and have more... am I forgetting what I do and who I am and what I have? ...yes
07-29-04
Well This wil have to be short and sweet because that is all I can handle right now. Went to the ER by ambulance on Monday. I ate about 8 or 9 tiny shrimp in butter and about 40 minutes later I was in THE WORST pain I think I have ever felt. I knew it was too bad to drive to the ER so I called 911. Well I got to the ER, they did a CT scan and it showed nothing (I am beginning to wonder what the point of those tests are!) The ER Dr. was asking if I was ready to go home just as another attack happened. This time I insisted that I was NOT going home until the talked to my surgeon. Of course they didn't like that but OH WELL, So I got admitted. The next morning they couldn't figure out what was wrong except that my Lipase (sp?) was high and I was severely anemic. The lipase goes up from oancreatic enzymes which is either pancreatitus or gall bladder. Finally Dr. T decided to do an ultrasound on my gallbladder. YEP... gallstones. THANK GOD!!!!!! I had an answer to my pain and suffering. So here I sit post op again after 3 days in the hospital with no gallbladder, one new incision (he used 3 of the old ones), and a looot of soreness, but I am soooo happy. I hope this brings an end to my chronic pain!!!!! I also put on FIFTEEN lbs (of fluid? I hope?) while in the hospital, so lets hope that goes away soon. I will write more later when I can stand to sit here a little longer.
08-04-04
I would like to think that I am not an all negative person. SOOO I am going to START with the complaining and whining that is oh so typical of me and then END on a good note with what IS positive. So lets get to the complaining.... I am a little (to say the least) disappointed in myself. After doing a little mental checkup and a re-evaluation of my life, my goals, etc... I cannot believe how I spent this summer. I let myself and my kids down. I promised we would do a lot of the things I couldnt do before. We didnt do any of them. I know school is important and I had a good reason to take on what I did this summer, but I didn't realize it would add up to nearly writing off this whole summer. So I am a little depressed to say the least. Add an unexpected surgery following a summer of being sick all the time and it doesnt make for good times.
I am also still struggeling with my own self image which hasnt even had much chance at existing in the real world because I have been so busy doing my stupid online classes. I hate to see when I get out in the world and I have to deal with my own opinions plus the changes in my interactions with people now that I am not MO anymore. hmmm wish me luck. At this point I WANT to date and I would like to have a MAN.... I just don't know how I will ever find one and how I will ever get NAKED without umpteen drinks first. NOT COOL! ok so enoughs enough.... on a brighter note..... I lost my 15 lbs of water weight and 5 more. WOOHOO! So I am at 235 now. Since my GB surgery I feel like I can eat a bit more at one time and I just get the uncomfortable full feeling now, not the "OMG I feel like I ate a cow get it OUT I think I might DIE" feeling. A little scary in terms of keeping myself in control, but overall I am sooooo glad to not feel so freakin sick when I eat.
I am in an 18. Of course I am not ready to stop. I want to have less fat in my little rolls so I can have the safest TT possible :( BUT it is a milestone for me that makes me have to stop and look back. When I was 360 lbs and a size 28 almost 30/32... I said to Sierra... "If I never get any lower than an 18... I will be satisfied and will feel like I was a success" Its a little hard to feel those words today. I wanted a reasonable goal that would allow me to live with myself if I didnt pass it. Well truly I am happy. I want to do
About Me
Before & After
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