B. Rogers

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Beth's Story

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Inkwell

I immerse quelled fingers to dabble
in the reservoir of my mind,
deep within the richest ink,
the blackest I can find.
Allured by security of darkness,
away from the starkness of reality.
Where I find my soul
in the blackest tracings,
on the whitest page.

©BAR
01/21/99

These are some of the words that helped bring me to where I am today. I'm already 13 months post-op but I was moved today to share my story.

I don't really want to get too much into my past history but like so many of you I have struggled with weight issues and self esteem issues for much of my life starting from childhood. I honestly don't know what initially brought about the increased weight when I was young but I know that from elementary school and on I always felt like I was very much alone in school and often at home.

Compared to so many of the other stories I have read on here I honestly had a very intact and loving family, but so often in my life I felt as if I was a disappointment to my mother. She has always been very judgemental of my weight issues, even when I honestly wasn't all that overweight in my junior high years she was almost absorbed with wanting me to be "pretty". I can't even count how many times I heard the comment, "You will be so pretty if you...." , and so over the many years I feel the use of food was my way of feeling that I had some kind of control in my life and was my way of rebelling against my mother.

Like so many of you I have tried the diets starting with my first visit to Weight Watchers at the age of 15. Over the many years since, I have crossed the Weight Watcher's path many other times along with many others' doors. Like so many of you I would lose only to gain not only the lost weight but more. I went on a drastic 700 cal diet six months before my wedding and reached 145 lbs. The lowest I had been in years! I fit into that "perfect" size 10 dress I had bought and reached those standards my mother had set to what made someone "beautiful". But the diet had taken it's toll with the diagnosis of mono just 2 months before the wedding and the major lack of enjoyment for me when it came to showers and celebrations because I HAD to lose weight and stick to that diet! I felt terrible and tired most of the time so as soon as the wedding was done I was back to my old ways and was up to 200 lbs by the time I became pregnant with our first child 1 1/2 years later. I continued to gain between each subsequent child with frequent attempts to lose in between those gains only to lose 40-70 lbs and gain back 100! I had reached a point where I just gave up when it came to my weight. I felt I had once again disappointed my mother but that was the way I felt most of my life had been so why should I care? And one of the last memories of my father was a letter from him written at my mother's urging telling me that if I didn't lose weight I would probably lose my husband. My husband has ALWAYS been my BIGGEST support and he unconditionally has loved me at whatever size I have been. So with that letter I gave up trying and just played the roll of that "good daughter".

From A Non-Entity

Beside you I feel as a cast out stranger
Not as the child of who you gave birth
I watch you in silence as you ignore me
Treating me as a person with little worth

When your gaze looks upon my being
All I see is total disgust in your eyes
If you brush against me or I embrace you
There is an aversion you just can't disguise

What have I done to receive your judgment?
You, who others praise , has a golden heart
Explain to me, please, how this shows you love me
Where in concern does revulsion take a part?

~

As a child my life was filled with loneliness
Trying to ignore laughs and jeers behind hands
Sitting alone upon the school steps, hiding
Feeling there was no one who could understand

I searched for something I could excel in
That which would bring me into the crowd
The one thing I could claim as my own
Something that would make you proud

But when I discovered within, that treasure
The praise was so limited, I didn't understand
My flaws and looks were the focus of discussion
For you see a fat child was never part of your plan

~

Now as an adult, I'm still treated as that child
You still are trying to control and change me
All buried in the pretense of love and caring
But the driving power of guilt, is what I see

I don't need your guilt placed upon me
Believe me, I have enough of my own
Constantly feeling I am a total failure
For once let me be in control!

Don't go behind my back using my family
Trying to shed your guilt by changing who I am
I am who I am, but for you that isn't good enough
Because I don't fit into your perfect plan

~

Because I'm overweight do you think I don't feel?
Do you think the layers have caused me to go numb?
My self esteem has been pulverized and strangled
I don't need to be treated like I'm dumb!

The world looks upon me in total disgust
Laughing and snickering...I pretend I don't hear
After all fat people are scum...a non-entity
So why should anyone, even you, really care

I'm told by all around to 'Just change it'
But it is hard to change, if I have no worth
I don't expect the world to solve my problems
But being treated as a human being sure wouldn't hurt

(c)Beth A. Rogers



For years I have struggled with feelings of unacceptance by my mother. Though I honestly know that there is much love from her the concern for my weight and for what she felt I needed in my life effected my self esteem in so many ways. For most of my life I struggled with trying to figure out how to please her until I finally found a peace and acceptance of myself in my own heart.

The words that I started my story with were words of mine that helped me on my journey. About 8 years ago words started to flow from me. I had never been one to write poetry but there was something inside of me that just started to flow. All of the sadness and darkness in me came to the surface. So many times I saw such a darkness in my words that it scared me...

Center Stage

I have entered an arena sated with an aura,
which speaks of a vile evil,
that hideously prowls
the sanctums of souls;

Filled with the stench
of odorous excrement,
by-products of feasting
that now ooze from life's
inner walls;

Feasting of trust, love,
self worth and confidence,
ravenously devoured by
gnashing teeth;
only to leave crumbs of fear
scattered on life's plate.

I have drawn back a heavy shroud,
masking the arena's center stage,
revealing beady eyed demons,
slithering with forked tongues
flicked in my face.

Their ecstasy,
the exhumation of death;
resurrection of stagnation,
their ultimate goal;
forced to play in an endless drama,
scripted to distract
from a child's cries
from tombs unknown.

©BAR
03/03/99



The words above came from something in me I don't think I had ever faced. I saw so much pain and anger in my own words. But through my poetry I was able to find a peace and love for myself that I had never known. It was an acceptance of who I was, the beauty inside of me and the knowledge that I could honestly only find peace through "me". It made no difference the aversion that my mother felt towards me because of my weight. She was a human being too and she had given me all she was able to give me.

.....so the inner journey of healing had begun and with that the outer journey of healing and health took seed....

....so the story continues.

Over the past 6 years my weight continued to go up. I honestly don't know exactly how high I got because I was unable to weigh on my doctor's scale so I know I was over 350 lbs. Though I am a nurse I avoided my doctor's office like the plague. I only went when I was too ill to treat myself. I knew that co-morbidities were creeping in. I could feel it inside of me but I didn't want to face them so I ignored signs of possible diabetes, blood pressure that was often too high and increasing pain in my joints. As a nurse I was on my feet much of the time only to limp home at the end of the night. I couldn't even walk around a city block without a major struggle. I knew that I was in trouble physically and that I couldn't hide from it anymore! I had faced my inward "demons" and it was time to face the outward ones.

A couple of the nurses that I work with had told me about family members that had gastric bypass surgery. The hospital I work with had recently opened their own bariatric program just one floor below where I worked. Dr Baker was the director of the program and I had known him all through his residency and as the medical director of Adult Critical Care. I knew his reputation well as a talented and caring doctor. I started to read about gastric bypass, looking up as much information as I could find. As it became more and more painful to get through my days I knew that I had reached bottom and I had to call my pcp and talk to him about his feelings about wls. I am lucky because I have an extremely wonderful and caring pcp who listened to me and encouraged me to take the next step. He sent in the paperwork to my insurance company only to have it denied. I was at a BMI over 50 and was being treated for high blood pressure but I wasn't on 3 drugs for my blood pressure at that time, which was one of the required co-morbidities that my insurance company had. I didn't have any other co-morbidities or at least I hadn't faced the fact that I probably had others that were undiagnosed. I was crushed and started to hunt for what ever other co-morbidities I might have and I wanted to do it the fastest way possible. I talked to my pcp and had him refer me to get a sleep study. I was thrilled to find I had sleep apnea but had to face the aweful truth that my weight was up to 355 lbs. Thankfully, because of the sleep apnea I was quickly approved by my insurance company to go and have a consult with a bariatric group. The appointments came fast and furious until the pre-op lab work put it all to a major stop. I had been approved for the surgery but my labs were not what any surgeon wanted to see when they were going to take a patient into surgery. My aversion to doctors had to be faced because what I had suspected for several months and didn't want to face was the fact that I was a diabetic. My blood sugars and A1c needed to be brought under control along with a very high cholesterol. It wasn't what I wanted to hear but deep down I knew it was coming. I'm not proud of the way I had stayed away from doctors, after all, I'm a nurse!! I knew better but it took finding a love for myself inside before I could love myself enough on the outside, to get help.

I scheduled a physical with my pcp right away and aggressively started working with him to get my diabetes under control along with my cholesterol. With a lot of hard work and a very patient and understanding doctor I started to get my co-morbidities under control. It took me 6 months from my initial consultations with the bariatric group to finally have my surgery scheduled....

I couldn't believe it was finally going to become a reality....
__________________
Surgery....

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January 30, 2006....the day had finally arrived. I had struggled through 2 weeks of a special bariatric diet and had made it. I had lost 15 pounds in that two weeks! I had been nervous the days before the surgery but when I arrived at the hospital that morning I was calm. I was in an enviroment that I knew and was comfortable with. I had a faith in my God and the skills that my surgeon had. I knew that the decision I had made was right....

I entered surgery at about 12 noon and was out within an hour. I don't remember much about the recovery room. I only remember being yelled at to "lay down." I don't know what I was trying to do, maybe I thought I had patients to take care of! *l*

The time in the hospital went fast. I was up walking by 9 that night and was up every 4 hours after that for a walk. Sleep never did come for me that first night not so much due to pain but those darn nurses wouldn't let me sleep!! *L*...no wonder my patients hate to see me come in at night!

By the next morning my foley was out, I was off of the IV pain meds and I was provided my morning meal of instant breakfast and ice chips. By 2 pm, the day after surgery I was minus my JP drain and on my way home.

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The first week home and the journey I am on...

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......I was so glad to be home and was so excited to be able to get into my own bed and actually get some SLEEP!!

My surgeon had me on a special bariatric product for 2 weeks post-op. Though it wasn't the best stuff it was nice to not have to think about what I was going to eat. If I ate 4 packets a day I would get what I needed when it came to protein. I was surprised how little pain I was feeling. I was tired but I was able to eat, drink and walk (well if you can call walking 3 doors down on the front sidewalk a walk!) *L*

For me "hell week" was delayed about 1 week. The emotions kicked in bigtime after about a week post-op and the euphora I felt about actually being done with the surgery kind of set in. I too began to question what I had done. I remember just breaking into tears for no reason at all! Suddenly what seemed to me to be the "real work" was starting.

Over the weeks and months since I had my surgery I have had my emotional ups and downs. At about 1 month post-op eating suddenly became an issue. I was tolerating food but I just didn't want to eat. I remember days where I just wanted to scream because everything I put in my mouth pissed off my pouch!! I struggled with the desire to eat for at least 2 more months until almost over night things started to get better. I suddenly realized that I was progressively getting more energy and I was starting to feel almost human again! *L*

As I look back over the past months I still can't believe where I am now. In a lot of ways it just doesn't seem real. I never dreamed that within 5 months I would be celebrating that century mark!

Today, I am the lowest weight than I have been in over 25 years. Though I know that I still have a long way to go I am beginning to believe I will get there! It still amazes me when I look at what my life is now. My diabetes is under control without meds! My blood pressure is under control with only 1 med instead of 3! I am beginning to live life in a way I almost forgot about! I can walk not only a half of a block but 3 miles, without pain! I can ride a bike and climb up the small winding stairs of a lighthouse and still breath! I can take a hike with my family and go camping without being in pain from sleeping on a thin mattress!!

For anyone reading my words all I can say is that I truly believe that I am experencing a miracle and I am finding for maybe the first time what it means to be happy in myself emotionally and physically....

...the journey is only part way done and I want to continue to share with all of you all of the new things I am learning along this often difficult but enlighting journey. I'm excited about my future and who I am!

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