missy1122

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  So many emotions I didn't know what to do. I started to cry because the pressure of everything in my life right now just felt like too much. And then i couldn't breathe, it felt like my chest was caving in, and i couldn't swallow there was a gas bubble the size of my fist it felt like. I couldn't drink anything i couldn't catch my breathe and I was ready to just give in to what was happening cause I didn't know what to do (living alone can suck sometimes) and then i got a phone call, thank God and some one talked me down, he helped me get control of my breathing, but he couldn't take the emotions away. he got me to breathe and i tried to drink, but of course i couldnt drink alot and it frustrated me. And I guess i need to learn to make myself burg cause until I did i felt so much pain.

Its that TOM and I'm usually full of emotions anyway, but this is more emotional then I have ever been and I know it is compounded by the fact that I cant eat. my biggest binging periods were always around this time, again i have to admit something I never thought about myself. I was medicating with food. It did make me feel better to have s Delicious meal. To the point that I would order huge amounts of food and even if i only ate one bite of everything, it made me happy in that moment (and the moments in the next few days as i finished it all) but there was always regret after.

I was angry that i couldn't drink anything yesterday, i self consciously starved myself as a protest because i couldn't eat. And I'm sure the lack of anything in my system didn't help my mental state. 

Today will be better, I will drink the right amounts, i will control my emotions, I'm worth this battle and I will not let anything stop me (I say the words and I wish them into truths)

I  am still happy i had this surgery. I know in the long run it is better than the alternative! My sleeve will help me get over some of the issues that cause all these emotions, I just have to make it work for me.

 The past few days have been so much better! Mostly because I kept a positive attitude. Still trying to get all my liquids in, but doing very well. 

I weight myself every morning still, just because I like to see the progress (i only record weight on Monday's tho) and it motivates me to keep doing my best.

In other great news.... I got a job I have been hoping for for the past three weeks since surgery! I get to move back closer to fam! This will def help the whole losing weight process too. New beginnings all around. 

These emotions are so hard. I know that normally i would be eating to feel better. But i cant do that now. I didnt eat anything today, another bad habit i need to fix. And swallowing was hard all day due to these bubbles in my throat. Today was hard. I hope tomorrow will better i hope.

 So it JUST hit me... I have an issue with food. You would think the fact that I have 200+ extra lbs on my body that i don't need would have tipped me off, but i digress. I was sitting here,  trying to fool myself that I would eat something I know I wasn't supposed to and had to go Thur the pain a third time to finally get it. I have an issue with food. 

I had always said I was fat only because I don't work out. Because i was so lazy. Because I'm single and don't like to cook for one. because I forget to eat and then when i do eat I eat the wrong things... these are all real reasons that lead to my weight gain. But really the issue I have is with food. I give into cravings, I make excuses, I hid my eating, I justify it, and it makes me sick that my brain wasn't changed in the surgery like my stomach was.

So I'm going to take this last episode and this "productive burp" as a serious sign that i need to GET MY HEAD in the game. I am addicted to carbs, i have allowed myself to rely on them to feel good. 

I wanted to blame my cravings on "the time of the month" it was always my weakest point. The cravings I get when Aunt Flo is in town are strong and they make me do things I know i shouldn't. This was my first test and i failed. But this tight feeling in my chest, trouble breathing and PB were enough to kick me in gear. I have lost 20lb since surgery I don't wanna mess that up!

SO I'm going to deal with these cramps with something other than food. I'm going to learn what satisfied feels like (verses stuffed). And I am going to lose this weight and get on with my new life.

I started off this week bad, I'm sabotaging myself!. I want this, I know I do. I make this pledge... I will follow the rules, I will do what I have to, to be the best me I can be!

So the surgery went well! It was not as bad as I thought it would be. I was all anxious for nothing! There had been an issue with the insurance and I think having to deal with that is what made me less antsy about the surgery. The surgery was supposed to be at 10:30, but due to extra paperwork and other things i didn't get set up til noon. All i remember is them putting in the IV, being rolled away tot he surgery room and the nurse telling me that the mask she was putting on my face was for oxygen. So I'm laying there and taking deep breathes, trying to stay calm, and I'm like, this smells funny, this isn't just oxygen, and i was almost kinda annoyed, breathing more deeply to try and pinpoint he smell, and the next thing i knew i was walking up in the recovery room lol. sneaky nurses!

The main thing i was worried about was my blood pressure. I had told this to my doc at the pre-op appointment that i was worried. I am on Benicar, but I'm very bad about taking my medicine.... i just... i have no excuse I know how serious it is, i just hate taking meds. But I will get better, because soon, hopefully, i wont need them! I was in the hospital just one night. About two hours after the surgery I wanted to get up and walk around, but they told me to rest a bit more. I was on a morphine's pump that i had control over and an ON-Q that was inside me.  The only really discomfort was this feeling of gas and how dry my mouth was, but i wasn't allowed to drink for 48hrs. my mouth was dry and it annoyed me and the gas was horrible. I wanted to burp but couldn't :(. I was up and walking about 8 hrs after surgery and they let me go the next day. The only complication was, as i suspected, my blood pressure. It was super high. I dint know if it was from pain, or anxiety, or what but they had to monitor me for about three hours. and gave me two different meds. finally it came down, but its still been running high... so we will see what happens.

It was great having my dad here with me to help me after the surgery. He is the best dad ever

so i was really good about sticking to the week one rules.  clear liquids, and the first two days I was fine. But by day three and four i was starving! I thought i wasn't supposed to get hungry. I think I'm not drinking enough water, but it was really hard those last two days. I wanted to eat food sooo bad, and tv is no help, nor being around people eating great things. Eve now i was pizza, tho I'm not hungry.

Today was my first day of all liquids. I have cream of wheat (blended to liquid) and protein shake and juice and yogurt and i don't feel so hungry, so hopefully if I'm getting my protein in, i should be good!

And I've lost 10lbs! So I'm staying motivated...

I know it will be a long battle, i have to retrain my brain. but I can do this!!

 My surgery is on Monday. Today is Sunday Oct 3rd. Its 3:22 am and I am wide awake.
Not sure what woke me up, perhaps the fact that i went to sleep very early (8:30pm), or because I was hungry (the no meat/high protein diet is not filling me, cause i never eat enough) or my sleep apnea (I wasn't wearing my CPAP). Who know either way I'm awake and as has been the case with most of my awake hours in the past few weeks, I am very anxious.

I'm scared bout whats about to happen. I have never had surgery, and certainly never something this severe. i made this choice however, so i have to do it. I want to lose weight. I need to lose weight, I'm ready. My mind is with me on this, my heart is hesitant. So many questions...
Will it hurt?
Will i lose weight?
Will there be complications?
Will i survive the surgery?
Will i be hungry?
How soon will i notice change?

I would love to assume all positive answers to these questions but we never really know. It would ease my mind diff other things in my life were running smoothly, but with job issues and personal life stress, it just adds tot he burdens. I have been crying so much, everything making me emotional, its like I've had PMS for three weeks. But still when i think of the future and what it might hold I am calmed. 

So we take this next step and we put the rest in God's hands. I will stay positive, yet realistic... and maybe head back to sleep.