Melanie V.

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 i haven't blogged in a long while.  It has been a long hard couple of months.  I broke my ankle so working out has been on and off.  The same with my weight.  I have been the same for 3 months.  At least i am not gaining, but I am getting a little discouraged.  I'm going to monitor what i eat a little more closely and see where I can go from here.  I still need to lose about 20 pounds and I will be good to go.  i am going to a wedding in March and would like to be at goal weight.  The bad thing is I have to have two surgeries so working out doesn't look good till Jan we are going March 26.Well that is exactly 20 weeks and 20 pounds so I guess that is my goal.  Although I haven;t lost in 3 months so is 20 too much.  Well wish me luck.  Starting tomorrow.  Calorie control at least.

 01-15-10

yesterday i got the best news ever.  the surgery scheduler called me and I missed the call.  I was in the movies.  I was so excited i must have called her 50 times.  then she finally called me back and said they had some cancellations. I was so surprised when she gave me the date of Feb.2, 2010.  OMG!!! That's two weeks away.  I am so excited.  It's real it is really going to happen.  I can't wait for my life to change.  The next two weeks are going to be very busy, but so exciting.  i will "TRY" to update more regularly as the date gets closer.

 I know I suck at this weight loss journaling. As it gets closer I am really going to try to be on top of it. I'm glad the holidays are over and everything can get back to normal. I really didn't overeat this year which was great. Since I found out my surgery should be in the next two months I have really changed my eating habits and not on purpose. I find myself saying after surgery I won't be able to eat this so why am I eating it now. And I stop. Don't get me wrong I love food and I eat way too much but I don't think it’s my addiction I can pretty much take it or leave it. Put it this way if it’s not in front of me not like I'm going to drive to the store to get it. There are a few foods if you put in front of me I can't stop eating. 

 12-25

Merry Christmas.

I need to give an update because I have been so bad about journaling. I feel like I am in a total funk and I have been for a year. Next year just has to be a better year. I wanted to start the year off with a super clean house but I only have a week left to take care of that so I'm not sure about that one. Although I should give it a go.

So surgery update I have my medical and mental health evaluation on 1-21-10. At that time they will schedule me for surgery which will be approx 4 weeks from that day. So it’s coming up and as fast as time goes I know it won't be long. I'm very excited. I want to prepare myself to be successful. I hope what I read is true and if you follow the plan for your surgery whichever one it is you will be successful. That's why yesterday when I wanted a soda so bad I said nah I don't need it. I was proud of myself. I'm trying to make most of my changes now so it’s not such a shock when the time comes.

The last update I have to report is I weighed 200 at the endocrinologist on wed and my A1C went from 8.6 to 8.3. I'm hoping for the 6's and 7's after surgery. It was a nice decline anyway. My major problem is my spikes after eating. I thing the high protein diet or more protein less carbs I should say is going to have a positive impact on my diabetes.

Like I said hope everyone has a Merry Christmas. I will try to update more regularly. 

 11-30

OMG I gained a pound and a half. You have to be kidding me. I didn't eat for two days. All I ate at thanksgiving was just thanksgiving. I can't believe. Plus I gave up pop. Well half way gave up pop. It’s disappointing. I am going to start exercising today so maybe that will help. That one thing I used to hate about going to weight watchers is stepping on that scale. Whenever there is a gain it just sucks. Well not like I really watched exactly what was going on in my mouth so what do I have to complain about. I'm at my second class. It’s probably just me but I always feel like everyone is staring at me. They probably aren't. I'm just self conscience. They probably think what is she doing here she is not fast enough.

12-1

I had the worst night. I woke up at 1 with a blood sugar of 46. Now it’s 5 time to get ready for work and I don't feel so good. My stomach hurts. Sometimes I think of moments like this and I wonder how I will do after surgery. Am I just a baby? Low blood sugar wipes me out. My dr has been adjusting my insulin to help bring my A1C down for surgery. I know it’s for a good cause. What's going to happen when I start to exercise? I'm scared. I just hate low blood sugar. It is my all time thing I hate the most. I'm on Face book which I love and I'm addicted to but I am afraid of putting it out there. My surgery I mean. I have told a lot of people. I think it will help me but my husband doesn't agree. He wants to keep it private. I figure everyone is going to know at some point anyway. I told my boss which is also a good friend and I asked him should I tell people at work. He said it’s none of their business. I know it’s not but I also don't want to lie about what type of surgery it is. It’s crazy all these things going through my mind. I think I decided today is the last day I'm going to drink pop. One last diet mt dew and I'm done. It will save us money. LoL. I was drinking almost a 6 pack a day. That's a lot. Well I must go get ready for work now.

12-3

Sorry I didn't journal for a couple days. Anyway I am on my second day of not drinking pop. It’s going great and I think it is going so good because I am committed to the cause. It makes such a difference when you really want something you will do the work to get it done. That's crazy how that works. I haven't really had any problems not drinking pop. I keep saying I'm going to start exercising. I'm in the planning stage. I need to get to the doing stage. My blood sugars started escalating today and I wasn't sure why but I just figured it.  I'm going to start my period.  Darn it. It’s like my period makes my insulin stop working. It is crazy.

12-4

Well four days down and no pop. It’s amazing I don't feel any different. Lol. I guess I thought I would feel bad if I didn't drink pop. Now I just drink waters and lots of it. I feel like I'm always running to the bathroom. I went to the movies and it was the first time I had been to the movies without pop. Big thing for me. So I will just keep trucking and telling myself I need to start exercising. I know in my head I need to I just can't get my butt down there to do it.

 

12-7

It’s been a rough weekend. I got in another accident. This time it was my car. I'm really sad. Then both my dogs cut their paws on something so I have been dealing with that. On top of all that I just don't feel good. Ok so I'm probably whining but my house is also a mess. I need to just get everything in order. Especially before I have surgery. I don't want my house to be a mess when I'm trying to have surgery. At least when you're older time goes fast. I am already taking my third class. I think in the next few weeks I will find the exact day of my surgery. I'm getting excited, but like I said I am also realizing all the things I need to do before. We also have a wedding to go to in December. Plus our friends want us to go to Vegas and I just don't think we can. Too much stuff to do.

I have done really well with no pop. Went to the movies yesterday and just brought some water. I also really like crystal light so that helps and target snack bar has the light lemonade that I think is ok to drink after of course I will find out. I will probably ask tonight. Well I guess I will go get ready for my really long day of running around.

12-14

I was awful at journaling last week. Oh well I will be better. I lost 3 pounds. Woo hoo!!! How did that happen? Is that just the stress of my life or did I actually lose weight because I quit drinking pop. It’s interesting anyways.

12-18

I have been so bad about journaling. I need some serious help to get my life organized. It stinks. My house is a mess and I feel like my life is a mess. It’s like I don't even know where to start to make it better. I have good intentions but I come home and I'm lazy nothing happens and I'm not productive whatsoever. Its crazy it really is. It’s like I know I need to do it. I will be happy if I get it done yet I just don't do it. Ti makes it worse my husband is the same way.

12-21

Well today is the last day of my surgery class. Yea!!!! I should find out my surgery "month" today. 

 11-29

So I spent most of my adult life weighing in around 180. I was overweight of coarse and actually obese but nobody ever really said anything to me. The Dr would tell me I needed to lose weight but nobody ever really pushed me. I was more worried about it but me. When I was in the hospital the other day I had my first real wake up call.  They put a heart monitor on me and I wasn't sure why. So I asked why the heart monitor then she says because your weight and diabetes. My heart dropped and I was thinking to myself I really am obese. I really am fat. I knew I was. I guess I just wasn't ready or didn't want to hear it. Well I'm doing something to change it. If I ever have to go in the hospital I don't want them to say it’s because of my weight.  Well I have class tomorrow so I'm excited that one more week is gone and that means one week closer to my surgery. In addition I have been really good at drinking less pop. Next week I will change to drink one pop a day on most days? And then the next week just one a day and then.........on and on till no pop. I almost lost my whole journal. Stupid blackberry. I guess it had to do this major download and it decided to erase a bunch of stuff.

11-30

OMG I gained a pound and a half. You have to be kidding me. I didn't eat for two days. All I ate at thanksgiving was just thanksgiving. I can't believe. Plus I gave up pop. Well half way gave up pop. It’s disappointing. I am going to start exercising today so maybe that will help. That one thing I used to hate about going to weight watchers is stepping on that scale. Whenever there is a gain it just sucks. Well not like I really watched exactly what was going on in my mouth so what do I have to complain about. I'm at my second class. It’s probably just me but I always feel like everyone is staring at me. They probably aren't. I'm just self conscience. They probably think what is she doing here she is not fast enough.

12-1

I had the worst night. I woke up at 1 with a blood sugar of 46. Now it’s 5 time to get ready for work and I don't feel so good. My stomach hurts. Sometimes I think of moments like this and I wonder how I will do after surgery. Am I just a baby? Low blood sugar wipes me out. My dr has been adjusting my insulin to help bring my A1C down for surgery. I know it’s for a good cause. What's going to happen when I start to exercise? I'm scared. I just hate low blood sugar. It is my all time thing I hate the most. I'm on Face book which I love and I'm addicted to but I am afraid of putting it out there. My surgery I mean. I have told a lot of people. I think it will help me but my husband doesn't agree. He wants to keep it private. I figure everyone is going to know at some point anyway. I told my boss which is also a good friend and I asked him should I tell people at work. He said it’s none of their business. I know it’s not but I also don't want to lie about what type of surgery it is. It’s crazy all these things going through my mind. I think I decided today is the last day I'm going to drink pop. One last diet mt dew and I'm done. It will save us money. LoL. I was drinking almost a 6 pack a day. That's a lot. Well I must go get ready for work now. 

 11-24. Well I started my classes for weight loss surgery. It was hard to be in a class after I spent a very long day at work. I learned some new things although I felt very awkward in there. I felt like everyone was looking at me. I know because my legs are so skinny and my boobs so big that people don't think I need the surgery.   What they don't know is the fat around my stomach is going to cause me to have a heart attack. And the insulin resistance is enough to make anyone with diabetes go crazy.

11-25

The pop thing is hard but I only had two yesterday so that is good. I also think I will start my elliptical tonight. I have it I mine as well use it. I also have the wii with many different workout videos. I think the strength training will be the most important for me. I think I am very weak.

11-26

Well its turkey day. What more is there to say? Personally I wish I could crawl back in to bed and stay there all day. I have been doing so much surfing the internet on weight loss surgery. It’s crazy. It is also hard to know what to believe and what not to believe. I have also been trying hard to stick to 2 pops a day next week I will try to stick to one on most days. This is probably one of the hardest things I will have to do on my journey. I love pop. It’s not worth being sick or unsuccessful. So I will give it up. I'm going to give it my all. Yesterday I had my appointment with the weight loss psychologist. Personally a waste of time and money but I guess it was necessary. So I had to go and spend 15. What do you do? I'm going to start doing more strength exercises. That seems to be very important after surgery. I guess the healthier and fitter you are before surgery the better you will be after.

Sometimes boys are stupid. Why do they make things so complicated? Who knows?

11-28

Well I haven't written for two days. I know that I am suppose to everyday and I love journaling so that is not really a problem. The reason I haven't been able to write was because I got in a car accident on thanksgiving. I spent the night in the hospital and had to go back Friday for nausea and vomiting. So I got home from the hospital at 5 got home at 6 and then straight to bed and I didn't wake up till 11 today. Must have needed some rest. Anyway I'm really sore and have been lying in bed all day. As I'm lying here I have been watching some YouTube videos on weight loss surgery. It is very interesting. It scares me sometimes and I think to myself am I crazy? Should I really do this? All in all I'm sure that this is the right path for me and I know there is going to be some hard times with it. So I will have to deal. I'm looking forward to changing my life. 

 Ok yesterday was such a happy day. I got the phone call to start my surgery classes which I will then have surgery after that. It is a very exciting time for me. So usually when people get good news they like to share it with friends and family. I'm not a secretive person and I have no desire to keep my surgery a secret. I have so many people that disapprove. They are killing my happy buzz. Oh you're beautiful just deal with it. I can deal with being fat but I can't deal with all the things that come with it. And by things I mean health problems. I have a loving husband that would love me if I weighed 120 or 320, but he might want to keep me around for awhile. I don't care that people do not  approve but maybe they should keep it to themselves.

I start my class on Monday and I am very exciting. I have weighed every pro and con a million times and I always get the same result. I should do it. How do I make people understand why I am doing it? Well I'm keeping my head up even if I have some less than supportive people around me. I guess I need to educate them on it. Sometimes when people don't understand things they make opinions without thinking. So for now I'm doing the happy happy dance.

So my schedule is :

Today diabetes dr

Monday I start class

Wed psychology evaluation. Can't wait for that one. LOL.

 Ok went to diabetes Dr.  She's not really on board either. But she said she will do anything I need. I.E. Help manage my diabetes through the process. I think she is just not a big fan of weight loss surgery. So I don't think it really has anything to do with me. I have 4 out of five doctors that think its a great idea. She changes up my insulin a bit. I guess I will be on a pump break. So let's see how that goes.

 

 Sometimes I wake up and don't know who the person is in the mirror.  I have gained almost 20 pounds in the last year and I just don't look like myself.  I know I am the same person, but maybe I am not.   i want to be able to walk back to my office without being out of breath.  Most of all I want my insulin resistance to go away.  that is probably the hardest thing to deal with.  It is so hard to manage my diabetes with the insulin resistance.  Looking back at my medical fire the Dr made a note of obesity every time I went to the DR.  I never thought I was because I still wore size 10.  Even now at 207 I wear size 12.  The fact of the matter is all my weight is in my stomach.  The worst possible place.  If I don't lose weight I will have a heart attack.  I want to make a change in my life.  I think I am on the right track.  

 So everyday I run to the mailbox looking for my letter to start my surgery.  It is so close I can feel it.  Time goes by so fast do why does it seem like I have been waiting forever for that letter?  I got my approval so fast but the wait for the actual surgery seems to be taking a long time.  I am having a hard time deciding if I should tell the people at work or not.  I had to train someone o my job while I will be gone so people are already asking questions.  Does anybody have any suggestions? I hope everyone had a happy Friday the 13Th.