mpaul0606
I am a woman who has fought her whole life to figure out how to, quite literally, "fit" in. My great grandmother always told me that my heaviness was just from "baby fat" and that eventually it would go away, instead it multiplied.
I have overcome many obstacles in my life, I've beaten the odds, I've been down and out. One constant through all of my "seasoning" has been my weight. It affects how I think act and live, it's in every cell of my being every synapse in my brain. I've came to call this "Fat Mentality". When you go out and wonder if people are judging you on your meal choices, when you walk through a store and wonder what people are thinking about you, when you deal with the nasty people of this world who can't possibly understand what it's like to be living in a fat suit.
I had lap band surgery in 2008, I did really well for a while, but here we are in 2010 and I'm back at my original weight. I feel like I failed the band, and I did, but I also know in part that it just wasn't right for me. But I'm here admitting my responsibility and ready to move on to a permanent lifestyle change. I will do this, I have to do this, I have no choice.
I've come up with excuses and reasons why I didn't help myself sooner, but no of them really matter, it's time for me to make a change, and I'm declaring war against my fat and everything that goes along with it.
I'm looking forward to the day that I can live without worrying about what I look like, how I feel, or what people think. I'm looking forward to shopping in a "normal" store. I'm looking forward to doing things that I've avoided because of my weight, I want to go to amusement parks and ride the rides without having a panic attack wondering if I'll get kicked off for being too big. I want to swim and go to the beach and not feel like I'm a beached whale. I want to scuba, ski dive, and hike in the rain forest.
I want to live. I want to have healthy children and be able to enjoy them and their activities without being wiped out. I want to love myself as much as my husband loves me, I want to be able to show him how much I love him without holding back because I hate myself.
A very good friend of mine told me, "If you kiss the monster on the nose he will go away". Well pucker up buttercup, I'm done.
