NewDayComing

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

One-year anniversay of RNY gastric bypass surgery.

 

It's been almost a week since the one-year anniversay of having gastric bypass surgery. Monthly, I've been posting my thoughts and feelings about the process. I'm not sure if I'll keep doing the updates after this, but now seems like a good time for a summary.

 

The day that I started the liquid diet pre-surgery I weighed 465 pounds. I'm not sure if that was my highest weight or not – it was difficult to find a scale that weighed me. I had to order one special before my surgery so that I could keep track of my progress. Other “special” equipment that I had pre-surgery included a “reacher” so that I wouldn't have to bend down and pick things up and a seat belt extender for my car (I never installed it as I could still put the seat belt on as long as I wasn't wearing anything bulky or a coat). I struggled with a lot of things a year ago – difficulties included:

• I couldn't stand for more than a few minutes at a time. In fact, I usually sat down after showering in the morning to finish the rest of my morning routine. I often ordered my groceries for delivery or pick-up because I wasn't able to walk through a store without being in a lot of pain or sweating a lot. I didn't go to the mall, walking around the neighborhood on a beautiful day, or anything that involved being on my feet for longer than 5 minutes.

• What I am most ashamed of – I had trouble with toileting. Wiping was difficult and inserting and removing tampons was also a real struggle. I was really starting to fear that I wouldn't be able to care for myself in this way much longer.

• I didn't engage in ANY activity without first considering how my weight would impact it – before enrolling in an MBA program I went to the school to make sure that the chairs were not attached to the seats, I would check movie theaters to make sure that they had “stadium seating”, I would only fly if my husband was going to be in the seat next to me and I would try to make sure that nobody else was in our row, when going to concerts or other outings I would only choose an aisle seat or make my husband buy extra tickets so that I wouldn't “crowd” anyone else, after renting a car where the seat belts didn't fit I refused to rent another car or ride in a vehicle with someone else that would ask me to put on my seat belt, I would check the websites of any activity I was considering to see if I would “fit” or if there was a weight limit (things like does a restaurant only have booths, do I have to climb a ladder, is there some type of clothing that you have to wear that might not fit, etc.). Pretty much my activities were limited to going out to eat and taking bus tours (and even bus tours were becoming questionable due to narrow aisles and seats).

• I could hardly ever find clothes that fit me. I absolutely couldn't shop in a store – everything had to be ordered through a catalog or online. Even in the “plus sized” catalogs almost nothing fit me. I was starting to have serious issues finding professional, attractive clothes. If I did find something that fit, I would order it in every color so that I could have some variety in my wardrobe.

• For months my husband and I slept on a futon because I kept breaking the bed frame. We finally had to buy an “extra strength” one. It also was a tight fit in our queen sized bed. I needed well more than my half.

• My blood pressure was very high. I knew a woman who was put on bed rest during her pregnancy for having a blood pressure that was significantly lower than mine was on a daily basis. I'm sure that I was quickly headed for diabetes and a host of other health related problems.

• I couldn't tie my shoes or wear any shoes other than sneakers because my feet were so swollen.

I'm sure that there are more struggles that I faced on a daily basis. I write them here now because memory fades with time and my mind plays tricks on me (more about this later). I often forget how bad that it really was and I need to never forget.

For many years I had lied to myself. With each freedom that I lost as I gained weight, I justified that it wasn't such a big deal and that I didn't want what I had lost anyway. Early in 2008 I realized that I wasn't really living anymore – I couldn't take care of myself and I knew that I was getting closer to becoming physically unable to care for myself, I couldn't be a mother (my weight stopped my ovulation), I couldn't be a good wife to my husband. I was 36 years old, but I was just existing, not living. I decided that there would be no more lies of starting a healthy living and exercise plan “tomorrow” - the gastric bypass was the only hope for me.

 

When preparing for the gastric bypass, I was afraid that my life would change forever and that I'd never be able to eat again. I went through this tremendous grief process and had several “last meals” thinking that certain foods would be unavailable to me later. This misconception is probably the one that surprises me the most and one that I would share with anyone else preparing for a gastric bypass. I still feel hunger, especially emotional hunger. And my pouch isn't so small that I can't eat a significant amount of food when I want to. And, I know this isn't true for everyone, but I can eat anything that I want. There isn't a single food, healthy or not, that I haven't been able to eat. I didn't need a single one of those “last meals” because I can have any of those foods today. Granted, if I eat a lot of sugar or fat, the gas that I emit and it's smell is unbelievable, but that doesn't mean that I can't eat those foods. Because of this, I'm learning that the gastric bypass really was a tool, and not a full-fledged solution. I'm having to examine my relationship with food and why I make the food choices that I do. I've lost about 50% of my excess weight without having to dig too deeply into my issues with emotional eating, but those days are coming to an end. I will have to continue to address my issues with food for the rest of my life. The pouch is not enough in and of itself.

 

Anyway, I have lost about 165 pounds to date. My life is so much different now. Today:

• I buy all of my clothes in a store. I really can't order from a catalog or online now even if I wanted to (which I don't)– it's hard to guage what size I wear. I can buy clothes at almost any store that I want to as well. I still tend to stick with the traditional “plus size” stores, but I've been moving on to shopping at Kohl's and Wal-Mart for some things as well.

• I exercise pretty much daily. I still walk slow, but I can walk/stand for hours at a time. My husband and I just returned from a vacation where we spent most days on our feet (mostly) for over 10 hours. I love to ride bikes and I even bought a bike to ride around the neighborhood and hopefully start doing some trail riding this summer.

• I do all of my shopping in the store. No more delivery or pick-up for me. I feel bad for my husband as I'm sure that our spending has increased with my ability to stand and shop for longer periods of time.

• I have become a jewellry freak. I don't know why. I've heard the weight-loss surgery changes people and that they become interested in things that they weren't really interested in before. I happen to love jewelry now. I think I might have liked it before, but I was worried that bracelets, necklaces, and watches wouldn't fit. Now I find that I have to wear them smaller than I would expect to.

• I don't worry about booths anymore or arms with seats. I know that I will fit in any of these things. I work with a woman who used to complain that some chairs were “too big” for her and I always thought this was funny – how could a chair be too big? I'm finding out though – there are some chairs that I wish were smaller for certain situations. Weird. I still prefer an aisle seat or to have nobody next to me. This preference doesn't impact my willingness to attend an event though – it's just something that I have to deal with. I'm pretty sure that it's a psychological thing too and that people don't feel “crowded” by me, but that's a concept that is taking some time to adjust to.

• I also don't worry about cars or seat belts anymore. They fit. It's a non-issue. I'm riding more with others now that I know that I don't have to worry about it.

• Toileting and showering are also issues that I don't even think about anymore. In fact, when I was at the gym the other day I realized that I had walked from my car to the treadmill (and up a flight of stairs in the process), walked on the treadmill for 40 minutes, then walked back downstairs to the locker room, showered, and got ready, all without sitting down. This would not even have been something remotely possible a year ago.

• My ovulation cycle appears normal and I think that it's time for me to try to become a mother before my biological clock removes that option (I hope that it's not too late already). I also feel like I have the energy to keep up with a little one and be a good mom.

There are frequently “wow” moments where I am confronted by the ways that my life is different now. Like remembering how bad things were before, remembering how good things are now is also significantly impacted by my psychological state at any given moment. I find that it's important for me to remember all of the positive changes – especially when I try to minimize how far that I've come.

 

Post gastric bypass has not been an easy journey for me though. I confront a lot of psychological stuff on a daily basis. Since the surgery I've really struggled with depression. I take a daily anti-depressant and the depression symptoms are non-existent when I'm taking the medication. However, I am a wreck without the medication. This was not the case prior to my surgery and I really believe that the depression is more a result of biochemical changes in my body than the emotional things that I am facing (although those are also significant).

 

Emotionally, I wonder how long I will see myself as a 465 pound woman. Honestly, I can look at pictures of me before surgery and think that I don't look that much different today. Logically I realize that this isn't true, but it's who I see. The excess skin on my stomach and thighs contributes to this problem somewhat. I find myself thinking that it's not extra skin, that it's still the fat. I often catch myself thinking like I did when I was bigger. When we were on our recent vacation, I would sometimes wonder how my weight would impact an activity before I realized that I didn't need to think about that anymore. This morning I grabbed a pair of pants from the hanger in order to get dressed and I was convinced that I had shrunk them in the wash – my clothes look too small to me off of my body. This phenomenon makes shopping trips very long as I initially choose clothes that are several sizes too large and have to go down size by size until I find the right one.

 

If you ask me, most of the time I will tell you that my weight loss surgery was not a success. Even with all of the other things I've already mentioned, I still feel like a failure. I weigh 300 pounds today – a weight that many people are when they start this journey. I am still significantly obese. Every day I am convinced that my weight will not go any lower than it currently is. Family and friends have caught me talking about having a revision surgery because I think that this one isn't working enough. 165 pounds I've lost, but I can't help but think that it should have been more, that I should have used this tool better. I constantly have to remind myself that this is a journey and it's not over yet. I am changing and the farther out that I get from surgery, the slower the changes come, but they're still coming and I need to learn to accept that.

 

I do need to address my relationship with food more closely now. I can eat a significant amount of food in a sitting now and I often don't make healthy food choices. I eat for emotional reasons and I have difficulty denying myself high calorie junk foods. I know that my relationship with food will change with time because I am changing. I am becoming healthier and I want to incorporate healthier eating into my diet. But it is going to take some more time and some more work. So the journey will continue.

 

Bottom line – would I do this again? Absolutely. I believe that gastric bypass was the only way that I had a chance to truly live again. And even though I want to go farther in my journey, everything that I had hoped to have back in my life is mine today. Honestly, even if my weight loss were to stop here at 300 pounds, I would be happy with my life. I am happy with my life. I see others still struggle. I see them rationalize the way that I used to. I don't say anything, it's not my place, we all must come to our own understanding of when enough is enough. For people that are as obese as I was, I truly understand that weight loss surgery is the ONLY long-term option. If I had not had surgery I would not be writing about how my life is different today because I lost 165 pounds. There would be no bicycle in my garage that I love to ride. I would not have returned from a long vacation where I spent hours on my feet.

 

This was the right choice for me. I live again because I made this choice.

It's the 12th of the month again...yet another month has gone by since WLS.  It seems like forever ago that I was starting the liquid diet and beginning this journey.  I have to remind myself that it was less than a year ago.

I'm trying to weigh myself a lot less lately.  I get too hung up on what the scale says and not hung up enough on what my life says.  Anyhow, the scale said 303 this morning - that puts me down over 160 pounds so far.

My life is so different now than it was last summer.  Here is a summary of what I'm doing and how it's different:

1.  I'm graduating with my MBA next week.  When I ordered the gown for the ceremony I didn't worry once about whether or not it would "fit".
2.  I shopped for the outfit that I will wear to my graduation in a store.  Of course, the size that I ended up buying was smaller than the size I thought that I would need to buy going in to the store.
3.  I go to the gym more days than not (finally).  This was a difficult habit to get into, but now that I am into it, I love going to the gym.  It's part of my morning routine and I don't feel right when I don't go.
4.  It turns out that I like to ride bicycles more than any other physical activity.  Well, at least I know I like to ride stationary bicycles more than anything else.  I ride between 6 and 10 miles each day at the gym.
5.  I rode a "real" bicycle for the first time last weekend after WLS.  It felt great to be free again.  I can't wait to go buy my own bike.  I'm planning on taking it everywhere with me and riding the paths.  I *never* would have guessed how much I would enjoy physical activity like this.
6.  My brother took me for my first boat ride since WLS.  I didn't think about sinking the boat - I just enjoyed the wind in my hair and had a great time.
7.  I weigh less than my driver's license says.  A cashier did a double take when looking at the picture the other day.  Of course, I want to deny the double take, but it was a double take.
8.  I'm super-picky about what clothes I buy.  It has to look great on me or it's not worth the trouble.  Now that I can get lots of things in my size, style and color matter.

That's about it.  I'm looking forward to going on vacation in a few weeks - another first since WLS.  I'll be back in time for the one-year anniversary of WLS and I'm sure that I'll have a ton of "wow" moments to add at that time.

Time has just been flying since surgery.  I can't believe that 9 months has already gone by.  My life is so different now than it was before the surgery.  I weigh more than 150 pounds less than I did when all of this started. In a short time, I will be below the 300 pound mark - that will be a 165 pound loss for me.  I weigh myself less now - the number on the scale was never as important to me as the way that I feel.  And I feel FANTASTIC!  I'm working very hard at getting in to a regular exercise routine.  My husband and I are planning a summer vacation that involves a lot of walking and standing and that is just fine with me.  I hardly ever worry anymore if I will fit in a booth or a chair or anything - although those habits are hard to break and I'm still big enough that I wonder about things like airplanes and amusement parks.  I can buy clothes at any plus-size store now although the 26/28 are still a little on the smaller side for me some of the time.  I'm pretty picky about what clothes that I will spend money on - I don't want to buy it if it doesn't look great on me.  I know that I don't just have to accept what comes in my size anymore.  I plan to go see the Dr. very soon.  I'm starting to get closer to being 38 and I really want to be a mom.  I'm feeling great, I've had no complications, and I eat plenty of food and get lots of exercise and rest...I really think I'm ready to manage a pregnancy great.  I know that I still weigh more than some people do before their surgery, but for me, I'm doing so much better than I ever believed possible.  I'm ready to move forward with the rest of my life now that I'm not imprisoned by my weight anymore.

My kitty was able to sit in my lap today and cuddle with me.  I have enough lap now to do that.  Yay!

Another month has gone by so quickly.  I can't believe I'm on the second half of my first year already.  First, the facts, I'm continuing to lose - but in a little bit of a plateau again - I'm down about 135-140 pounds right now.  I'm going down sizes again and almost all of the clothes that I had around the house pre-surgery either fit or are too big.  That tells me that I am about the size that I was when I moved to Minnesota when I was 20.  It's almost time for me to go shopping again as I don't feel comfortable in clothes that are too baggy.  I go back and forth between really feeling great about how good I look and really feeling rotten about how big that I still am.  I love impressing people by saying that I've lost over 130 pounds in 7 months, but I'm ashamed too that they can look at me and know that I've lost an average-sized woman and I'm still really obese.  My BMI hovers slightly above 50 yet.  Hopefully I will be under that by the end of the month.

A few WOW moments for me this month - yesterday I realized that I'm no longer the biggest person where I work.  I don't really care about being smaller than someone else, but this coworker told me that she would have a hard time when I got smaller than her.  I could tell she was really bothered by it yesterday.  I guess you could say that it wasn't necessarily a good wow moment - but it was the first time that I've experienced someone having a hard time with my weight loss.  I felt pretty bad, because I don't want anyone to feel unhappy with themselves because of changes that I'm making.

Another WOW moment - the lacrosse season has started and my husband and I went to their first game last weekend.  We've had season tickets and I've always hated going because I was so uncomfortable in the seats.  Now, no problem.  I easily fit and there's even room to move around.  There's a couple of men that sit in front of us - my husband warned me before we went to the game that they wouldn't say anything about my weight loss and they didn't - but at least one of them could tell - he kept looking me up and down and up and down.  It was cute and I wanted to thank him for noticing.

Well, until the 8 month anniversary, I will sign off...

Yesterday I celebrated 1/2 year since WLS.  My life has changed so much in the past six months - I can hardly believe it.  I have come to understand that I will continue to lose weight as this journey progresses, but I also know that if I don't I will still be happy.  The loss of nearly 130 pounds has changed everything in my life for the better.  I look so much nicer, I pay more attention to my appearance, I can shop for my clothes in a store now, I go to the gym and exercise, when I drop something I bend over to pick it up, when my husband hugs me his arms easily go all the way around me.  There are so many more things that happen every day it's hard to even remember them all.  Last night I sat in a booth when we went out to eat! 

I look forward to the rest of this journey.  I figure if I am this happy now how much happier will I be as I continue?  I work hard and the benefits add up quickly.  I'm within 10 pounds of weighing what my driver's license says - within 40 pounds of weighing what I did when I was 18 years old. 

As for complications or difficulties - I have none.  If I eat too much or too fast I get a bit nauseated, but I haven't thrown up in a long time (because I listen to my pouch).  I can (and do) eat whatever I want but I stop when I've had enough.  I don't seem to experience any vitamin deficiencies and haven't had any issues with gallstones.  The only thing that I've experienced is severe depression and that is currently stable with medication.

I would go through this process in a heartbeat.  The benefits are things that I never would have imagined - the least important of which is the number on the scale.

Another month has just flown by!  I don't come to the ObesityHelp site much anymore - I've been really busy with work and school.  Maybe after I graduate next month I will become more involved again, but on the other hand, I'm trying to adapt to a life that's not focused on food or weight loss.  Anyway, I came here to do my 5 month update.

I'm still plateauing from my first 100 pounds lost.  I'm thinking the plateau might be over though - I've lost about another 5 pounds.  I still worry with each plateau that maybe I'm doing something wrong and maybe I won't lose any weight, but I'm learning patience and giving my body permission to do what it needs to do.

The clothes I bought 3 months post op still fit OK, but I notice that some of them are starting to get a little big.  The clothes that I was wearing at the time of my surgery or shortly thereafter have now pretty much all been put into the donation bin.  There's a few shirts and sweaters that still look OK, but that's about it.

In the past month I've really noticed how much more active I am able to be.  My husband and I took a fall colors drive down the Mississippi river road a few weeks ago and we got out of the car a lot and did a lot of walking.  He commented on how much more time I spent standing and walking.  We really enjoyed ourselves and we were both relieved that we could enjoy a casual day together this way without me being physically in pain whenever I wasn't sitting.  Two days ago I got the urge to clean out the garage and I spent a few hours doing that without a break.  The garage looks really nice and I'm really proud of myself that I can start taking care of tasks that I would have just let slide because of lack of energy a few months ago.

For now, the depression is all but gone.  The Celexa is working wonders.  I don't have crying spells anymore, things don't irritate me like they did, and I have a lot more energy and passion to do things.  The Dr. thinks that I should stay on it for at least a year and I'm absolutely going to do that.  I just hope that I don't develop a tolerance to it - but I'm trying to stay really positive that this medication will continue to help.

On a final note, I have no physical issues as a result of surgery.  In the past 5 months I've thrown up fewer than 5 times (and each time I knew I wasn't treating my pouch right) and I've never dumped.  I've been trying sugar in smaller amounts the past week because my goal isn't to do a low-carb, high protein diet exclusively.  My goal is to eat healthfully and mindfully, but not to exclude any food from my diet.  It's been a challenge for me because I still crave the starchy foods in particular, but my refusal to learn moderation is really helping me to address my issues with food and why I make the choices that I do.  My eating isn't perfect, but it gets better with each day.  As I address my issues with food I crave foods less and recognize that I am making the decision to fuel my body with better foods most of the time and indulge in a treat on occassion.  I honestly believe that this will be better for me in the long run.

For those who are following my journey, I can say this month has been the first month that I've felt "normal" again - the depression is all but gone, my energy is great, and although my eating is still very restricted it's starting to seem "normal" to me.  There's still a lot to work on - accepting my new body, believing that I'm not as big as I used to be, and I will continue to address my issues with unhealthy eating and need to establish a more solid exercise routine now that I can move.  I'm looking forward to the rest of this journey though and seeing what it brings.  Surgery has absolutely been one of the best things to happen to me.

It's been a few days since my 4 month anniversary.  Time is just flying by.  I'm at the same weight as I was a month ago - I am getting used to losing in spurts and then staying the same.  I don't worry about it too much anymore because that doesn't accomplish much of anything. 

It's hard getting used to my new body.  I'm learning that I'm not a good judge of how big I am or how much weight I have lost.  I went to the store the other day because I knew I needed to get a new pair of jeans.  The jeans that I've been wearing I thought were a little baggy, but not too bad.  Anyway, I tried on some new jeans and they seemed a little snug, but not too bad.  I decided to put my current jeans back on to compare and it hit me how big they really were on me.  Every day I add clothes to the donation pile because they are too big - heck, sometimes I just throw the clothes out so that I'm not tempted to wear them again.

Today was a little chilly so I decided to wear a jacket to work.  The jacket that I could barely squeeze into last fall is way too big on me.  I think a small child would fit in it with me.  Better yet, I was able to get in the car and buckle my seatbelt while wearing the jacket!  Last fall I had trouble buckling the seatbelt if I was wearing a sweater.  It's moments like these when it hits me how much I've changed.

The post-surgery depression that I've been feeling is still troubling me.  I met with a psychiatrist though and started taking Celexa.  It's been less than a week but already the crying spells have stopped.  I still feel a bit down from time to time but already people are commenting that I'm in a better mood.  I pray that this peace continues - I was really concerned about how I was going to continue to cope with the feelings.

I've been going to the OH coffee meetings for the past few Saturdays.  I'm really enjoying meeting all of the new people and hearing their stories.  It's good for me to get out of my shell and talk with others who understand what I'm going through.

My gosh!  There's so much to say on my 3 month anniversary of my surgery.  Today, I really want to start with the good stuff because I'm very, very happy about the good stuff.

I know I've been losing a lot of inches.  I can't seem to keep up with the new clothing sizes - everytime I dig around in my "small" clothes it seems that something new fits.  And when I put on my current clothes I find myself pulling my pants up all day or seeing myself in a mirror and wondering what I was thinking putting on something that big.

For my 3 month update I took all of my measurements again.  I haven't taken the full set since the night before my surgery.  Overall, I've lost over 26" of fat!  I've lost 4 inches on my bust (I think maybe that is more saggy boobs than anything), almost 7" on my waist, 6 1/2" off my hips, and 2" around me neck.  I've also lost at least a couple of inches of each of my thighs and arms (arms are really hard to tell because my bat wings are going to be gi-normous!)

As I have mentioned to many before, I put my scale away on 8/25 after I *finally* went down to 399 pounds.  I was so frustrated because I weighed 430 on the day of my surgery and it took me 2 1/2 months to lose 30 friggin pounds.  I was so angry and mad that I had to make a commitment to put the scale away and focus on the positive aspects of my life.  And I kept that commitment.  Today, as promised, I got out my scale to weigh myself.  I was expecting based on my previous experience to still be in the 390s but I was hopinig for the 380s.  Drum roll please - my weight this morning was 365!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
While I was not paying attention to my weight loss - I became a member of the century club!  Exactly.  On my 3 month anniversary I have officially lost 100 pounds!!!!!!  I cried.  What everyone said was true - the weight loss starts slow and when it starts it goes like crazy - I've lost another 30+ pounds in less than 3 weeks.  My advice to every other frustrated soul, put your scale away.

Last happy news - I have had *no* physical complications from surgery.  I rarely vomit, nothing has gotten stuck, no other complications.  A little Vitamin D deficiency but that just adds another supplement to my life, nothing major.

On the flip side - I am really struggling with depression since the surgery.  I cry a lot, feel alone and hopeless, get angry, have trouble sleeping, and have no desire to eat or drink or take care of myself.  It is *all* hormonal as a result of the weight loss.  My life has never been better and so the fact that I feel so cruddy is all related to the excess hormones being released as my body loses the pounds.

I have hit the phase of my weight loss where very few things taste good and I rarely want to eat.  I indulge in that desire to not eat too often and I think that has probably contributed to my weight loss as of the last few weeks.  I do my best every day to make the best choices that I can for protein, but a lot of proteins make my stomach spasm and I often end up crying my way through the meal because I get so frustrated that I have to fight my body to do the right thing.  My favorite foods right now are salads with deli meat and cheese in them, tacos and fajitas (especially with sour cream to help the meat go down easier), chili, and carbs (I adore RF cheez-its and baked potato chips and pretzels).  So, as you can see, I really need to work on improving my diet.  Right now, honestly, I'm struggling so much with the depression that I am just happy to eat any foods.  Like I said, I try to make the best choices that I can every day and they're honestly pretty good choices in the end, but there will be room for improvement once I get my emotions under control.

I'm a lot more active than I used to be.  I posted about most of my activity gains in my 10 week post op so I won't repeat them again.  I will need to add a more formal exercise routine to my life - also once I get my emotions under control.

I should mention - I do have an appointment for some medication treatment for the depression in mid-October.  I've been against antidepressants since having bad experiences with them as an adolescent but my life has become extremely difficult with this depression so I'm going to take one until my weight stabilizes.  I cannot live like this.  Hopefully the Dr. will have a cancellation before my appointment because I am only willing to see him since he specializes in mental health issues with post-op WLS people.

Another Dream Theater quote (verb tense modified to suit my needs):
"I have to suffer one last time, to grieve for her, to say goodbye, relive the anguish of my past, and find out who I am at last.  I'm learning all about my life by looking through her eyes."

No doubt - still really, really, REALLY battling the mental side of this recovery.  There are days when I just simply can't keep the tears from flowing.  Each day that I stay stuck at this weight I become more convinced that a 60 pound weight loss is all that I will carry with me from this experience.  Those who have walked before me laugh at this and say that it is untrue - for now, I only post here so that someday I might come back to this and laugh too.  For now, it is no laughing matter.

One of the nutritionists and medical assistants from my surgery center suggested last night in support group that I also journal this:
Because I have lost 60 pounds...
1)  I am able to walk nearly a mile daily.
2) I can stand and talk with people for 30-45 minutes at a time without feeling pain.
3) I no longer need to do my shopping online - I can go to stores and browse, select what I want, and not need to lean on the cart or anything else for support and I don't feel any physical pain.
4) My personal hygiene is improving significantly.
5) If I drop something on the floor I don't swear as loudly before I bend over to pick it up.
6) I wear smaller clothes.
7) I eat about 20% of what I used to eat.
8) Fast food almost always seems like a waste of money.
9) People notice the difference in my weight loss - especially in my face.

There are benefits.  I have come to the conclusion that even given this emotional struggle and even if I am right and only lose 60 pounds I would still have this surgery.  I know that I am just adapting to my new life - as my quote said, I am in the process of saying goodbye to the old me and I'm still trying to figure out who the new me is.  When the time is right, in God's time, when He knows that I am ready - when my grieving is complete and I am confident enough to assume my new role - the weight will come off.

Now I only pray that I can continue to hold on to my hope throughout the day.