philly-phil

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

SO....im 5 months out now...ive been at the same weight for about a month now...which is like totally irritating!!!...i eat right and i work out 4-5 days a week...doctor told me i have to eat more!>.like seriously that was one of the hardest things to hear..my whole life people would say to not eat so much now im being told to eat more!!..wtf!>..its stressful..i dont know why i cant be happy with this whole experience like i see others...i see my body and think ewwwww...maybe im not working out hard enough..i see people who look soooo good and i think dang how can i look like that!?..what i dont understand is that im young so my body should be able to tone up faster right??..maybe not..so ive been at 181lbs for a month which seems like forever!....

to top it off...my mood swings arent getting any better either=*(...so i decided to go see a "doctor" about it..they wanna put me on meds..depression meds..im gonna go ahead and try it..hardest thing i have to admit is that i dont love myself and my body changing and everything..i dont even know who i am anymore...so this big change is makin me irriatable, sad, angry everyday..its getting the point where i cant even hadle myself anymore...so im gonna get myself help..i hope it can level me out and kinda get me bak to my regular self...ive been so mean lately..it sucks=*(...i dont know how to take compliments...and when i look in the mirror.. all i see is a fat person still..is it always gonna be like this?????

well until next time....i shall put up my shield and continue and face the world with my smile...

OK..SO ITS BEEN LIKE 2MONTHS NOW...I WENT IN WEIGHING IN AT 247..THAT WAS ON 2/05/08..TODAY IS 04/15/08..AND IM NOW WEIGHING IN AT 207..SO IM DOWN ABOUT 40LBS..WHICH IS PRETTY GOOD..IM BAK AT WORK..HONESTLY ITS BEEN KINDA HARD....I WORK IN A LABORATORY..SO I CANT REALLY HAVE WATER NEXT TO MY SIDE EVERY 15MINUTES..WHEN I WAS RECOVERING AT HOME IT WAS SOOO MUCH EASIER CUZ I WAS ABLE TO DRINK WATER ALL THE TIME AND STUFF...WORK IS DRAINING ME OUT ILL TELL YOU THAT MUCH!....ITS LIKE I WAKE UP..TRY TO GO TO THE GYM, COME HOME GO TO WORK FOR 8HRS..THEN GO TO SCHOOL..BY 4PM..IM LIKE FUCK IM SOOOO TIRED!!..I NEED TO START SNAKING MORE AND STUFF..BUT WHAT!?!

SO THE DOCTOR TOLD ME I COULD TRY ANYTHING EXCEPT FOR PORK,GRAPES,RED MEAT, AND NUTS...UMM..OK??..SO WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST...YEA HE WAS REALLY NO BIG HELP..SORRY DR SUH..SO RIGHT NOW IM BARELY EATING!..I GET MY VITAMINS IN DAILY ALONG WITH ABOUT 60-70 GRAMS OF PROTEIN A DAY...SO AT LEAST I GOT THAT TO BAK ME UP..BUT MY REGULAR DOCTOR (OSANO, WHO I ADORE) TOLD ME I SHOULD BE EATING AT LEAST 3TIMES A DAY...BUT ITS SOOOO HARD..EVERYTHING I TRY..I THROW UP..I GET NAUSEATED ALLL THE TIME...I MEAN DONT GET ME WRONG..IM STARTING TO LOOK GOOD TO SOME PEOPLE BUT I JUST DONT FEEL HEALTHY..THIS IS NOT EASY!...I THINK IM JUST GONNA BECOME A VEGITARIAN...CUZ ALL THE ALTERNATIVE MEAT IS THE BOMB!..LIKE SOY BURGERS AND VEGGIE BURGERS...STUFF LIKE THAT I GET A TRADER JOES!!..IF IT WERENT FOR CHEESE AND THOSE WANNA BE MEATS..I SWEAR I WOULDNT KNOW WHAT I WOULD BE DOIN..I  TALK TO SUM PPL IN MY CLASS AND EVEN A FRIEND THAT I HAVE WHO HAD IT DONE...EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT CRAVINGS...THATS JUST SUMTHIN I DONT HAVE..THANK GOD!!...I MEAN IT SOUNDS GOOD BUT I DONT WANNA...I FEEL GUILTY IF I TRY ANYTHING WHICH I KNOW IS NOT GOOD..BUT IM WORKIN ON THAT.....

I KNOW IM CHANGING ON THE OUTSIDE AND ESPECIALLY THE INSIDE!!...IM GETTING FEELINGS I DONT NORMALLY HAVE..IS THIS NORMAL..WHY DO I FEEL SAD WHEN IM ALWAYS GETTING COMPLMENTED ON AND STUFF..IDK..ITS CRAZY!!..IM LIKE SOOO INSECURE..I DONT WANNA BE LIKE THAT ANYMORE..HOPEFULLY ONE DAY...ALL THIS COULD GO AWAY...UNTIL THEN..XOXO

P.S
TOTALLY TRIED KETCHUP TODAY WITH AN EGG...LET ME TELL YOU!<,THAT SHIT WAS GOOD=)

WAS THE DAY OF MY SURGERY.....ONE WEEK PRIOR EVERYONE WAS LIKE YOU NEED TO HAVE A GOOD ASS MEAL..I WAS LIKE YEA..THEN I GOT LIKE TOTALLY SICK..SUM STUPID FLU THAT EVERYONE WAS GETTING...I GOT!!..SO WHEN EVERYONE WAS CELEBRATING SUPERBOWL SUNDAY..HERE I WAS HOME....EATING SOUP A WHOLE WEEK B4 SURGERY=(...SICK AS HELL...CUZ I WANTED TO BE WELL FOR MY SURGERY...ONE THING ABOUT ME IS WHEN IM SICK..I DONT LOOK IT=)...SO I LIED LIKE A DUMB ASS WHEN IT CAME TO SURGERY DAY..I WAS LIKE OH ITS JUST ALLERGIES!!..BIG MISTAKE!...IT WAS KINDA SURREAL THE DAY OF SURGERY..FIRST WHAT SUCKED IS THAT I COULDNT PUT ON "ANY" MAKEUP..SO I LOOKED LIKE SHIT ON TOP OF BEING SICK..MY VEINS WERE LIKE TOTALLY SMALL..SO MY IV WAS A BITCH PUTTIN IN...I REMEMBER THEM TAKIN ME TO THE OPERATING ROOM...I REMEMBER SEEING THE BIGGEST SCREENS LIKE EVER FOR A COMPUTER!!..I WAS LIKE "NOW THATS WHAT I CALL A MONITOR"..THEN I WOKE UP IN RECOVERY...FUNNY HOW FAST IT GOES=)
I WOKE UP IN SUCH PAIN CUZ NOT ONLY  DID I HAVE THE BYPASS DONE BUT THEY ALSO TOOK OUT MY GALLBLADDER...SO IM LIKE IN DOUPLE PAIN.....OF COURSE MY BODY DOSENT AGREE WITH ALOT OF MEDICATION SO THE ANETHESIA MADE ME SUPER DUPER SICK!..I WAS THROWIN UP WHICH CAUSED ALOT OF PRESSURE ON MY STOMACH AND IT HURT SOOO BAD..ON THE REALS THE PAIN WAS AS BAD AS LABOR PAINS...MORPHIN DIDNT WORK FOR SHIT...EVERY TIME I WOULD KINDA FALL ASLEEP SUMONE WOULD ALWAYS WAKE ME UP....THE ANITBOTICS WERENT WORKIN...DID YOU REMEMBER I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK.!!..SO THIS WHOLE EXPERIENCE SUCKED FOR ME CUZ I WAS ALL CONGESTED ON TOP OF MY SURGERY PAIN!!
I HAD MY SURGERY AT CROWN..I WAS PUT IN 2WEST..SINCE I WAS SICK MOST OF THE TIME..I WAS THERE FOR LIKE A WEEK!.YES A WEEK WHERE EVERYONE ELSE I KNOW ONLY STAYED FOR 2-3DAYS..I DIDNT LIKE THE NURSES THERE ONE BIT!!..IT WAS LIKE PULLING TEETH JUST FOR THEM TO COME TO THE ROOM!!...OTHER PEOPLE I KNOW WHO HAD IT THERE KINDA HAD THE SAME EXPERIENCE....THEY SHOULD HAVE A SEPERATE AREA JUST FOR BYPASS PATIENTS..BUT OH WELL THAT WHOLE PART IS FINALLY DONE...FINALLY...THE LONG DRIVE HOME!