Lisa B.

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I haven't used this site in years....Obviously that's not a good thing considering how my weight has ballooned back up.

If I had it to do all over again, I would NOT have gotten a lap band. I don't know that I would have had any kind of surgery. The band hasn't done anything but cause me hate and discontent, any weight I lost was because of diet and exercise, and the weight I've put back on is from poor diet and no exercise. When it all comes down to it...surgery isn't going to help you do anything you're not willing to do without it. But, hindsight is always 20/20.

I'm currently working as a traveling nurse. I take contracts all over the country and love that I don't have to get involved with hospital politics. I'm in school for my bachelors (which is a new lesson in irritation lol). And, despite my increasing weight...life doesn't suck ;)

I've drunk the paleo kool-aide and am loving the new lifestyle that goes with it. I'm not 100% paleo, by any means, as I still eat dairy, but staying away from grains/grain products has really helped. I suck at sticking with it some days, but every time I cut out grains it gets easier and I'm always happier for doing it. I love food...but I love REAL food even more. My diet consists of lots of veggies, fruits, and proteins, and while the scale may not be moving, my clothes fit a lot better. 

I've also started trying out crossfit. I went to my first class yesterday, and aside from barely being able to walk today, suffered no ill effects. It's good to feel challenged and sore again, I'm hoping I've found something that will help me burn off stress and anxiety as well as calories!

It's been so long since I've been on this site, I don't even know where to start.

I went home to Nebraska in June and got to see Dr. Holloway; he put 1cc in my band and I still feel too tight most days. I throw up several times a week. Still not a darn clue what's going on, other than that I think it's probably all my fault. I know I'm not eating the way I should be and I'm the only one to blame for that.

My weight has plateaued completely; I flux between 230-245ish. But the thing is...I'm really pretty comfortable here. Yes, there are major things I want to change about my body (like my belly that I'm always whimping about), but for the most part, the things I want to change require a surgeons knife. I finally feel like my outside matches the picture I've always had of myself mentally. It's a great feeling, but still one of mild discomfort as well. I keep thinking, "But you SHOULD weigh more like 150lbs...what's wrong with you?!" But I feel so much more comfortable in my own skin, and for that, I'm grateful.

I'm still living in Richmond, working Trauma, and I love it (most days). I miss home something fierce and Dr. Holloway assured me in June that I could have my old job back any time LOL. I'm now Lisa B., RN, PCCN which is a HUGE accomplishment and really kind of a big deal. I'm definately proud of that and hopefully I'll get to start classes soon towards my Bachelors.

I've made a lot of new friends here in VA who I love hanging out with. They are very understanding and supportive of my food issues and I love them for that. I really need to look into maybe an OA group or something though, as I think that would help me a lot. A very good friend of mine, Missy, is now my "be accountable" buddy. She's really helping me to look over some things, revise my old plans, make new goals, etc. It really makes a big difference when there are people in your life who understand and encourage, rather than pass judgement.

I actually like working out now! That's huge! I love going to the gym and I'm still seeing my personal trainer whenever I can. She's amazing and really helps me feel good about life in general. I just moved from the South Side of Richmond into the Fan District and that's occupied most of my world for the past few weeks. I really need to get back to the gym and into a regular routine. I've got 6 days off coming up here shortly so I'm hoping that will help me to get back on schedule.

I need to get back to using this website too. One can never have too many friends!!

I just celebrated my 1 year anniversary and what a crazy year it's been!! I remember how anxious I was before surgery; terrified that it wouldn't work, that I would go through this process and it would be just another failed attempt to get my weight under control. I remember looking in the mirror every day and hating the person I saw because it wasn't the person I saw in my mind. I remember waking up from surgery and thinking "Holy crap! I really did it!! Oh god.......now what?!?!"

So much has happened over the past year! I've said all along that this journey is so much more emotional than physical and I still feel that way, however now I'm starting to finally get some of the physical benefits from it as well! I've learned so much about myself, what I'm capable of, what I want, and (sometimes more importantly) what I don't want. I've moved to a new city, in a new part of the country. I've started a new job, at a new hospital. I've tackled some pretty serious demons in my world and lived to tell the tale, and most importantly, I'm gaining a sense of self-worth and self-confidence that I didn't even know it was possible for me to possess!

Over the past year I've learned so many things: I've learned that I'm a food addict, but that I still have to eat in order to live...and more importantly I have to eat in order to loose weight. I've learned that exercise really does get easier with time, and that given enough time it get's fun!! I've learned that what's on the inside is often hidden very, very deeply by what's on the outside. I've learned that following your heart isn't easy, but it's usually always right. I've learned that not all doctors are created equal (Dr. Holloway and Dr. Forney are just flat out the best there are, no way around it). I've learned that it's okay to stick up for yourself. I've learned that sunshine is AMAZING when you don't weigh 300+lbs! I've learned that taking time out for yourself is okay.

Over the last year I had my band filled several times and unfilled several times, ending in a complete unfill in December of 2009 prior to an EGD. I was having a lot of trouble with vomiting and the EGD was done to see if there was something wrong with my band. There wasn't, thank Heaven, but I've elected to not get refilled at this time and have no plans to get filled any time soon. I'm doing fantastic as far as exercise and eating, and my weight continues to decrease at a steady pace. Since I've been completely unfilled I've lost nearly 20lbs! I now have a personal trainer, go to the gym every chance I get, and am learning to enjoy eating healthy foods.

I went on a medical mission in January of 2010 to Jamaica and it was the most amazing experience I've ever had. Not only was it rewarding on a professional level, but it gave me the most incredible boost to my self-esteem! I felt like I'd found a part of myself that had been missing my whole life. I felt an entire world open up to me! I fit on the plane seats (all of them!). I wasn't embarassed to wear my swimming suit (okay, so I was a little, tiny bit, but I got over it wicked quick when i realized I was no longer the fattest girl in the room). I went snorkling!!! I climbed up a river falls that I flat out could NEVER have done when I was over 300lbs because I simply wouldn't have tried! Loosing this weight has given me a whole new life, and every pound I loose gives me a new step, a new goal, another piece of the life I've always wanted. Life is so much more fun, so much more fulfilling when you're LIVING it!!! I can't believe all the things I'm able to do now! I can't wait to see what the next year has to bring!

Dr. Holloway gave me a goal of 150lbs. I'm currently 225 as I'm writing this; 75 more pounds to go to hit his goal, and then who knows! I don't have any idea how much I want to weigh, because I don't know what I'll look like. I know I don't want to be super skinny; I love having curves and looking like a girl (I like my boobs and my butt thanks!). But when I started this journey I thought for sure a size 16 was right where I needed to be. Well, I'm a size 16 now and I'm nowhere near where I wanna be! So I'll keep going until my outsides match my insides. I'm so much closer now to the girl I have pictured in my mind when I look in the mirror. I can't believe how much bigger the world seems to me now, how many more possibilities there are around me. I don't feel STUCK any more. I feel like I have choices. I feel like I have a chance.

I feel like I have a life!

I love my band!!!

Well, I'm now officially a resident of Richmond, Virginia!!

My apartment that my friend found for me is super cute (and will actually look that way when I get all my crap put away and get it decorated and turned into home). I just found out today that I got the job that I wanted on the unit that I wanted at the hospital that I wanted and I'm ecstatic!! (I'm working at MCV on the general surgery/trauma step down unit, it's the only Trauma I in Richmond and the only Magnet Hospital in Richmond).

I'm, of course, terribly homesick and have already shed several tears, but I'm adjusting slowly and steadily to my new surroundings. I need to go out and get purposely lost and then find my way back home so that I get my barrings figured out, but really aside from that and missing my family and friends back home, I'm doing great! I've lost like 10lbs which is phenomenal!!! I haven't been working out, but my apartment is a townhouse with about 13 steep stairs up to my bedroom and lugging heavy boxes up those stairs 18 times a day has done wonders for my buttcheeks lemme tell ya!!! hahahaha

I'm still nervous and a bit skittish about this whole deal, a little unsure of myself and scared, but I'm so excited! I know that Heavenly Father has such great things in store for me here!!! I can't wait to get started; to meet new people, to get started at my new job and get back in school, and get back to Church, and all kinds of other things. Life is an endless round of possibilities and it's just thrilling!!!

I am moving to Richmond, Virginia Tuesday. I'm terrified and excited and a hundred different emotions all at once. I started a new medication about a month ago to help with some mood stabalization and impulse control relation to the food addiction (as mentioned earlier in this blog) and I must say I'm noticing a lovely difference! I'm snacking a LOT less, I've got better control over that monster that rages in my head saying that i simply HAVE to have that cookie. It's definately an improvement and really comes at a good time with the move and all the emotional upheaval.

I go in for another fill today and I'm going to have them put in just a wee little bit. I don't get hungry for a good 4-6hrs between meals, but I can eat too much during a meal. I still need to get better about not drinking while I'm eating, but once I get that handled, I think I'll be sitting really well.

I'm so hopeful about the future! I just can't wait to see what's out  there and what kinds of opportunities I'll have head of me. I've been so blessed and I can't wait to learn and grow and experience everything that life has to offer!!

Hello. My name is Lisa and I'm a cheater.

I drink hot liquids when I eat so that I can eat more.
I snack on junk food incessantly.
I eat slider foods constantly.
I skimp on solid proteins because I can't eat as much of them.
I talk myself out of working out and into cookies.
And all of this makes me feel like a failure and a terrible person which only makes the problem worse.

I am a food addict. I use food as an emtional crutch and bandaid and getting my lap band has not fixed this problem and it will not fix this problem. This is just like any other addiction - I am the only person who can overcome it.

So I am hereby coming out of the shadows and out of seclusion and into the bright light of a brand new day. I can beat this. I can win my battle not only against my weight but against my addiction; against that evil little demon that sits on my shoulder constantly telling me I'm a failure and that I can't make it. I am the only person who has any control over me and I'm taking it back.

I know there will be hard days. I know there will be days when I stumble and fall. But there is only one way to learn and to grow, and that's to suck it up and get on with life.

So right now, I'm taking a deep breath, putting on my big girl panties, and taking back control of myself and my life. With the help of those who love me and the good Lord above, I'm gonna be just fine.

I've really been struggling lately; not only physically, but emotionally as well. It still amazes me how much of this journey has nothing to do with physical appearences and everything to do with your head and your heart.

I know I have an addiction to food, but it seems lately it's just been completely out of control. There are days where I hate my band because it prevents me from eating when I'm happy/sad/disgruntled/etc etc etc. I'm also a wee bit too tight at the moment, so it prevents me from eating as much as I should be able to eat, and that just compounds my feelings of frustration. I'm also not loosing as fast as I want to be which just gets piled on top of everything else and makes the whole situation worse.

I know I have a long way to go; I know this is a marathon, not a sprint. But there comes a point when you just want to say "For the love!! Get on with it already!!!" I'm totally there. I just feel frustrated with myself, my band, my entire world right now, and I'm not completely sure what to do about it. Hopefully this is just a temporary funk, and I crawl out of it soon. I just know it's definately not helping my progress any.

I haven't written on here in forever (at least nothing substaintial), so I decided now was the time hehehe.

Western Nebraska has been plagued for the past week with constant thunderstorms and tornado warnings. I don't mind this at all personally...except it makes work rather difficult. It's just a pain really. However, it's GREAT sleeping weather! Happy girl!!

In terms of things new and interesting on the "Band Front", I got my third fill this past Wednesday and I'm doing pretty well. As many of you know, calorie consumption is a hot topic on the Band Forum, and with all the talk, I started really watching my caloric intake...and then of course freaking out that I wasn't getting enough, or that I was getting to much, and oh dear god what am I suppose to do?!?!?!? yeah...too much drama, thanks anyway! So, when I went in for my fill, I asked Dr. Holloway how many calories he wanted me to be getting and he said he wanted me to eat ONLY when I'm hungry and to make healthy food choices when I do eat....as long as I follow those two rules he doesn't care how many calories I'm getting because any way you look at it, it will be a deficit. That is of course the whole point of the band! A calorie deficit creates the weightloss. I can't tell you how much pressure this has taken off my shoulders!

Now for the hard part..................learning to tell when I'm hungry!!!

This has always been a major challenge of mine as I'm not only an emotional eater but a "boredom" eater as well. I eat constantly when I'm bored. Now I have to try to figure out if I'm actually hungry of if I'm emotional or if I'm bored. And I can't tell you how hard it is to tell myself 'no' when I'm bored! Arg! It's so frustrating! It's so easy to talk myself into a snack with the "well, I know I haven't eaten very much today" mentality. I've gotta figure out a way to get over that. So, I bought myself several books to read because I don't usually eat when I'm reading, and I'm trying to cut down on the amount of TV I watch because over the past 27 years I've developed a seriously codependent Tv-food habit, and I ordered a bunch of new work out dvd's to hopefully start replacing my sedentary moments with more movement (they're belly-dance dvd's, I'm so freakin' excited!!!).

Truth...I'm not doing well with the whole figuring out when I'm hungry or not thing, but I figure that these are signals I've ignored my entire life, so it's going to take me a while to figure it all out. I can always tell when I'm "starving", it's picking up on the subtle cues of just plain hunger that I have trouble with. I worry that I'm ignoring hunger thinking it's just boredom, or visa versa. It's so confusing hahaha. But I'll get there!! If I can tackle this hurdle I know I'll be that much closer to making my ultimate goal happen....eating to live rather than living to eat!

Don't let anyone tell you that the Band (or any weight loss surgery) is an easy-out. This is seriously one of the hardest things I've ever done. But I'm grateful every day for it. Sure, there are days when I miss eating french fries, or miss eating a huge plate of bomb mexican food, or miss soothing my frazzled nerves with a pint of Haagen Daz...but they are getting fewer and farther between. It's becoming more and more thrilling to me to see the changes in my attitude, my mindset, my outlook on life....I just can't believe how bright things tend to look now. Of course I still have my dark days, but they're nothing compared to what they used to be, and I'm so grateful for that.

I'm going to Denver shopping with my best friend and my mom on Wednesday and Thursday and hopefully that will give me a whole new set of wonderfulness to blog about!! So until next time, my lovelies!!!!

I found this on a different website on someone else's profile...but it really spoke to me in terms of where I'm at right now physically and emotionally, so I decided to share :)

And a man said, "Speak to us of Self-Knowledge."
And he answered, saying:
Your hearts know in silence the secrets of the days and the nights. But your ears thirst for the sound of your heart's knowledge.

You would know in words that which you have always know in thought.
You would touch with your fingers the naked body of your dreams.
And it is well you should.

The hidden well-spring of your soul must needs rise and run murmuring to the sea; and the treasure of your infinite depths would be revealed to your eyes. But let there be no scales to weigh your unknown treasure; and seek not the depths of your knowledge with staff or sounding line. For self is a sea boundless and measureless.

Say not, "I have found the truth," but rather, "I have found a truth."
Say not, "I have found the path of the soul." Say rather, "I have met the soul walking upon my path."
For the soul walks upon all paths.

The soul walks not upon a line, neither does it grow like a reed.
The soul unfolds itself, like a lotus of countless petals.

Khalil Gibran

I'm pretty sure I've told just about everyone that the emotional side of this journey has been far more dramatic (or traumatic, depending on how you want to look at it) than the physical side has been. Well, surprsie, surprise, I'm having another emotional epiphany.

Well, maybe it's not an epiphany really...just another discovery. At any rate...

It seems to me that the more "padding" I shed, the more my emotional monsters come out and play. The good news is that I'm getting less afraid of those monsters...the bad news is that I'm still not entirely sure how to deal with them effectively. I know that a lot of people are probably aware of all the emotional baggage covered up by layers of fat...I was even aware of it on some level...but I really didn't understand until I started loosing so much weight just how serious this problem really was.

I know, I know; I've said that so many times in my short little blog, but it really does amaze me. I covered up my saddness with food, I covered up my anger with food, I celebrated all my joys and successes with food...and low and behold, I ended up at 330+lbs. Big shocker (please note the sarcasm there). I still want to use food for all of those reasons, and there are certainly days when I do...but I can't do it to the excess that I used to, first of all...and second of all, I'm finally starting to get to the point where I don't really want to. Rather than eat a whole thing of ice cream if I'm sad or happy, I'll have a sugar free popsicle and I'm satisfied. Rather than chow down a huge plate of mexican, I'll moan with delight over a single tamale and be beyond thrilled that I could eat the thing and feel full! I like the fact that food is becoming less of my single, minded focus, and more simply something I need to stay alive. I know I've still got a very long way to go with that, but the changes that I've noticed have been wonderful.

I can feel myself becoming more confident. Not just confident that I look nicer, but more confident in myself...in all aspects of myself. I'm starting to get the slow, tingly feeling that my outside is starting to match the inside. I've always known that I was smart, capable, and okay...some days I even felt pretty. But I don't doubt myself nearly as much as I used to, and I'm having a lot more of those "Pretty" days. Sometimes it's all very overwhelming, and then other days I just can't get enough of it.

I've lost about 70lbs at this point, which leaves me another 120 or so to go...but if I'm feeling this much better with only 70lbs gone...how much happier am I going to be with another 70? Or heaven forbid, another 100?! The idea is mind blowing! I'm only 2.5 months out from my surgery and I'm down 30lbs...where am I gonna be in 6 months? How much will my perspective change by then? The future seems vast and full of possibilities, where it used to just be full of what if's, maybe's and a lot of heartache. That in and of itself, is reason enough for me to celebrate.