emily S.
After reading everyone elses story, I am sure that this will sound redundant. But, I still feel the need to share with everyone why I have finally decided to do WLS. As a child, I struggled with my weight. I was always on the chubby side and MS was hell. HS was not much better. I never had dates, got stood up at prom, felt like an outcast... etc, etc. I remember having a couple of girlfriends in HS who were all smaller than me. I was always the one who listened and gave advice about dating, never really having any experiences of my own. I still dont know if it was them or if it was me, but when our friends got together in a group, I always felt left out, like what I thought didnt matter. This is the kind of complex that I am used to having now and it has affected my confidence levels and therefore, every aspect of my adult life. Now, as a teacher, I still feel that my opinions arent respected and that because of my weight people do not see me as a competent professional. I am currently studying for my MA and sometimes I feel like I am not as intelligent as my classmates... although in my heart I know that this is not the case even thought I am the biggest person in the cohort. This is one reason why I want to do this NOW... before I start to believe what I am beginning to feel; like I am less intelligent or that I dont deserve the same treatment and respect as everyone else. I am just as competent and good at what I do (if not better) as everyone else. I know this, but sometimes, I cant help but to feel like a failure and I know it is because I have allowed myself to get to this point, regardless of how much I have resisted.
There was one small period of my life when I was smaller... not thin, just smaller. During my sophomore year of college I applied to a program to study abroad. I was accepted and I knew that I didnt want my weight to affect my experience so I got my butt in gear. I started exercising and I really watched what I ate. In 6 months I lost 20 lbs and I went to MX weighing 180 pounds and feeling really good about myself... until I got to MX... and realized that in MX 180 lbs is still HUGE. For Mexicans (and most foreign countries, for that matter), normal is what we consider to be thin. Luckily, the lifestyle I lead in MX helped me to lose another 15 lbs before the end of the semester and between being 165 lbs and finally being able to communicate in Spanish, my 2nd semester in MX was a blast. Of course, when I came back... as much as I resisted by going to the gym 4-5 times a week and watching what I ate, I still crept back up from 165 to 190-200 by the time I graduated college. (In case you are wondering what the lifestyle was in MX: I was walking 4-6 miles daily just to go to school, be with friends, etc, and all of the food that I ate was fresh from the market on a daily basis and made by my host mother who was very weight conscious.) Anyhow, this was the time period where I really felt like I had a positive outlook on life and I learned a sad but true fact of life: The prettier (or in my case smaller) you are, the better people treat you. Whether we like it or not, people equate competence with looks. I liked the way people treated me in this period of my life, and I miss it dearly.
This was also the period of my life when I met my wonderfuly hubby. I often catch myself wondering if he would have noticed me if I weighed what I weigh now. Probably not. But, he constantly tells me that I am beutiful and that he loves me. My mom passed away during my 2nd year of college and I really honestly believe that she sent him to me because she knew that he was exactly what I needed. We have our issues, but overall when I come home, I feel loved and supported. I am blessed. He had his concerns about this WLS but he is finally coming around and has finally decided that if it will make a positive impact in my life that he will ultimately reap some benefits from this as well. (smart guy, huh?)
Eventually, I crept up to 230 lbs. after my 1st year of teaching. I had no idea how I had gotten there. Was it the stress? Was it my will power? I was always conscious of what I put into my body and yet, there I was. I couldnt beleive it. A year and a half later, after dieting, exercising, blah blah blah, I became pregnant. It want planned but it wasnt a mistake either. It was my destiny to be Lydias mommy. Anyhow, I was excited but nervous about gaining weight. This was probably the time period in my life when I was the healtiest in that I made sure to eat right and exercise every day. I was very conscious of what I put into my body. I didnt overdo the exercise but I made sure to walk at least 30 mins. daily and when I was hungry, I ate.. so, when I was 9 months pregnant and weighed 255 lbs I completely expected to return back to 230 within a few months of giving birth. Now.. I dont know how this is physically possible, but somehow, at 255 lbs. I gave birth to a 9 lb. baby girl.. and I went home weighing 260 lbs. ?!?!?! I still dont get that. Anyhow, once again, I got a gym membership and was diligent about what I ate. I made HUGE sacrifices. I woke up at 4:30 EVERY MORNING (try to imagine that) so that I could be at the gym by 5 and exercise until 6:30, shower and be at work by 7:15. I did this 5 days a week for 8 months. I did my best to watch what I ate and I got down to 250.... AFTER 8 MONTHS!!!! I was so discouraged. This was when I realized that I would not get under 200 with simple diet and exercise. I was ready to give up.
I went to the doctor to check for thyroid problems but, nothing showed up. I tried adipex, xenecal, etc, etc. And, now, another year later, here I am at 255 lbs. with the help of alli. Not losing, just maintaing. At 26 years old, I had literally given up. I had come to grips w/ the fact that I would not ever get below 200 on my own. All of the will power in the world is not going to cut it. I see other profiles where sw is at 350, 400 and at 255 and 27 yrs old, I can relate. I can honestly see myself getting to that point. I know I am young and I have had people tell me to hold off on the WLS but, I dont want to get to the 350 point at 30 years old when I know at 27 that I have honestly given it my ALL and the scale has not budged. I need this because I want my life back! I no longer want to obsess about my weight. I want to go into stores and not worry that people are thinking "she is too big for anything in here"... I just want to be NORMAL. I want to enjoy what is left of my youth. I want my baby to have a mom she can play with and be proud of. I am ready to start this process and begin anew stage in my life.
