sassyfannypants

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Well, I've been absent for awhile, just because I was starting to obsess a little and I felt like I had tunnel vision. I've been focusing on how my body feels, and trying to live like a real person, and so far it's going great. I'm in my 5th month out, and I'm experiencing a little bit of a stall, although it's still coming off. I'm fighting against some crossover addiction with cigarettes--When I smoke, the weight comes off, when I don't I do a lot more nibbling, which is our curse. I'm officially 65lbs down from my surgery weight, and I feel it. My shoulders and stance are much narrower, my proportions are more hourglass, my legs are more toned, I can move more gracefully, I have awesome endurance, sex is so much better...
The psychological piece is a little more complicated. I feel restless and dissatisfied at times that I would have filled with food in my past life. It might be a summer thing, though, cuz/ I'm a teacher and I'm definitely not as busy as I usually am.
In other news: I'm getting married next summer, so I'm entertaining myself by planning the party and a European tour honeymoon where we'll walk walk walk. I'm sure by next August I'll have legs of steel.

 down32lbs.
keyboardisbroken.
feelinghungry,butdisappointedbyfood.
happyjusttodrinksomething
mealsarenevergoingtobethesame.
feelingfatandsexxytoday.
offthepureeddietfinally!!
alreadycheatedandthrewup:(

 Man, I just did a quick tally, and I've only lost 4 lbs in the last 2 weeks, and those have come off in the last day or two. I've been kicking major ass at the gym, getting my protein, and trying to keep the liquids flowing. I'm honestly a little bummed. Maybe it's muscles, or my body's just freaking out. Hopefully I'll have a couple of awesome weeks to boost my confidence. 
I got a long way to go, baby. 

I made it!!!
March 9th has come and gone, and I am alive and healing quickly on the other side. I feel as though I've gone through the looking glass. On this side, a low glucose Boost pushes me over the edge, and when I feel pain and sluggishness, I MUST get up and walk.
I am so relieved that I had no complications, especially after a botched laproscopic cystectomy a few years back that laid me up for months with a crit of 11. This time around I had an ALL STAR team. I don't care about hand-holding or bedside manner, I care about a superstar surgeon that codifies the title: meticulous, precise, confident, expert. Dr. O'Malley is the ultimate. The team at Highland hospital was top-notch (9 West, props to y'all). I would not hesitate to recommend this team to anyone.
Now I'm home and the fun begins. I am already down several punds from my presurgery highest (9 to be exact), and I never thought I would be so excited to pass wind!
Last night, however, was a wake-up call. As I carefully spooned cream of chicken soup into my new little "baby bird" (My name for my pouch), family members partook in cheeseburgers, chicken french, and large saucy italian subs loaded with cheese. The smells were jarring, but any urges were purely mental. I can't imagine actually being able to digest any of that, and furthermore, what would be the point. Right now I must concentrate on the flavors and textures allowed by my phase one plan, and observe the way my newly rearranged digestive tract behaves.
I must also remember that it is important to feel these impulses and to think them through, since these are what characterized my dangerous relationship with food--a relationship I do not ever wish to rekindle.

Good Luck and God bless all my brothers and sisters in the fight, and thanks to my friends for your support and encouragement. I am on my way!!!

Yesterday I received confirmation of insurance coverage. 
 In 33 days I will have my roux-en y and gall bladder removal surgery. 

I began this process in August with such a bleak outlook. It felt like I was admitting defeat.
My way doesn't work. I am not okay the way I am. I have a serious weight problem. I am not happy.
I had to accept each of these realizations in its own time and light. 
Along the way I did LOTS of research, read books and testimonials, read blogs, watched vlogs, scoured the internet for before and after photos, talked to WLS successes, saw these people in the flesh, chugged through seminars, evaluations, consultations, fought with my PCP, educated and convinced my friends and family that WLS can work for me. 

Now I am actually starting to realize that there is REAL HOPE. I can feel it vibrating just beneath the surface. It's a chance to live the life I always longed for, but thought I could never have. It's a chance to feel comfortable with and in my body, to use it and show it and love it like I never thought I deserved before. I had to keep this hope quiet while I secretly dreamed, afraid to admit it even to myself because I thought I was destined to be disappointed again. NOT THIS TIME!!!

33 days until my real birthday. It's going to hurt, but I'm as prepared as I can possibly be. Now is the time to reflect on the burdens I have carried, not just the physical, but the emotional. Now is the time to really feel the weight of the life I live without guilt, without shame, without regret, and without disappointment, because I truly have hope. I love myself today, as I am, because I have made the decision and taken the steps to set down my burdens and feel the strength I have earned from all those years of carrying them. 

If you are reading this, thank you friend. You are beautiful and you too are on this journey. Only you can appreciate how heavy and cumbersome a body can feel, and how sad it can make the soul that wants to dance. Just by reading this you are helping my soul to dance. I hope yours dances too. 

I am terrified. 
What if this doesn't work for me? 
What if I sabotage myself?
What if I fail again?

What if I don't fail?
What if I really can change?
What if I change but don't feel better? 

I have not weighed less than 200 lbs since 8th grade. 
What have I missed? How have I been shielded?

I am afraid to hope... who can I become?