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{ Originally posted Thursday, August 19th, 2010 on www.oursimplicity.blogspot.com } 

Can I just say this summer has lasted forever? I wrote my final exams in April. I will be more than happy to go back to school come September, if for nothing else than to have something other to talk about than my weight.

Speaking of the subject: My weight starts with a new number now (that happened Tuesday). And today, I hit fifty pounds lost (fifty one, actually).

Fifty one pounds in a month. Fifty one pounds in a month. That's insane.

When I see that number, yes it's a great deal of weight to lose. For most people. For me? It's just one quarter of what I have to lose. I feel like I don't deserve it, because it's pretty easy at this point. I feel no temptation for junk or sweets. I don't have to "struggle" with food choices or portion sizes, because my pouch determines that for me.

I don't know what exactly my point is, or if I have one, it's just - I guess I'm used to feeling guilty. Guilty over being fat. Guilty over not being able to make good food choices; guilty for having to struggle all the time. Now I feel guilty because I don't have to do that anymore. I've internalized the mantra that weight loss is hard.

And while I will probably say it is at various points in this journey - right now, I want to remember that it wasn't, not especially. And that it's okay for it not to be.

I am very much looking forward to the day when putting on socks and shoes doesn't involve a herculean effort and me breaking out in a sweat.

That is all.

{ Originally posted on April 28th, 2010 on www.oursimplicity.blogspot.com }

Just got back from the behaviourist appointment - it went really well, if I do say so myself!

Twenty minutes to half an hour after getting home, the clinic in Utica emailed me with a surgery date.....

                             July 20, 2010.

I do have to complete those darn pesky Educational classes before surgery, with the last one being July 14. July 14 - July 20 = less than a week. Pretty damn good, really!

So I have to be in Utica in July 19 for 2 appointments, surgery the next day, in hospital until the day of the 22nd, and then a check in their office on the 23rd, and then home.

Am. SO. effing. excited. Hurry up July!

{ Originally posted April 27th, 2010 on www.oursimplicity.blogspot.com }

Finally found out what the additional testing was - Dr wants me to see a behaviourist at the WMC.

So I have an appointment for tomorrow morning at 9:45. I have no idea what the appointment will entail, so I'm a little nervous. It helps that it's with the behaviourist that did the majority of our sessions while I was doing that crazy Opti-Fast diet, and she's amazing.

Another thing I asked about was getting a surgery date that was before the Educational Classes (as mandated by the Ministry) are started or finished - and was told that I had to complete them before surgery - which puts it anytime after July 14th. I do have a feeling that that requirement could be bent though from my initial appointment with the doctor here - she alluded to the fact that this might happen. So I have my fingers crossed. 

{ Originally posted on April 24th, 2010 on www.oursimplicity.blogspot.com }
 
So yesterday we made the trek down to Utica, and I can now say I've officially been to four countries (first time in the States).

Um, some HATES: Hill Island Bridge, like, woah way too high x 2. And the highways definitely take some getting used to. (Seriously, I have no idea how anyone knows what they're doing, ever).

It was a really, really long day. We left our place at 2am, and once we got gas and coffee it was more like quarter to three, and then we took the long way. I've discovered I hate night driving on the 401, even from the back seat. My jaw is still sore from the massive clenching I did. (Although I do have some cause for concern, since FIL nearly got into at least four accidents during the journey there).
We got back to our place at about 8pm, and immediately crashed into bed. I don't even remember who won Boston/Sabers last night.

Appointment was good, fast since all the questions were basically answered with a no. (Heart attack? No. History of blot clots? No. Stroke? No. etc). I found out that the clinic doctor here wanted me to some sort of additional testing, but hadn't told the clinic in Utica what kind of testing they wanted, so the clinic in Utica couldn't give me a surgery date yet. Doctor here is supposed to tell clinic in Utica on Monday, and clinic in Utica will tell me as soon as they know.

The nurse did mention they're booking surgeries for June. JUNE. That's where their schedule is right now. Like, the month after May, as in, possibly five to eight weeks away. Like, WHAT? JUNE?!

I had to sign a zillion and six forms, the funniest being a waiver promising not to get pregnant 18-24 months before and after surgery. Sure! I'll sign that one without hesitation, thanks! I have to be off birth control pills for a month before & after surgery as well - so am kicking myself for getting rid of those condoms right about now. Oh and I have a whole page of blood tests that need to be done, quite lovely. And a little packet of info for my doctor to fill out plus an EKG to do and I have to request my sleep study results. Trick is, the info & bloodwork is only good for 30 days, and has to be faxed to them at least 1 week before surgery.

And after surgery, I have to go do a whole wack of bloodtests again, at least 1 week before my visit, which I will be doing a whole bunch of - at the 3 week, 3 month, 6 month & 1 year mark.

Financially I'm most worried about the week-long stay for surgery and the gas for the 3 week visit after...sigh. So I'm going to go there and type this: If anyone wants to make a donation to this fund shoot me a twitter/email/facebook. It would be more than appreciated. Thanks.

I'm 23. I've been this way for at least 10 years; nearly half my life. And lately all I seem to be doing is getting bigger.

I'm sick of starving myself to lose a pound, only to gain it back the next second.
I can't excerise because I can't breathe properly anymore. Climbing a flight of stairs is next to impossible & the words "brisk walk" send shivers down my spine. 
I want kids. Someday. And I know I will never get the weight off long enough to get there. 
This is vanity, but I really don't want to be a fat bride. I don't want to hate the photos of what is supposed to be the happiest day of my life. 

I've noticed there are no pictures of me from the last 2 years - I don't want any pictures taken of me. I'm a recent college grad and I know my chances of getting a job are pretty hard when I'm like this. I feel like everyone just looks at me and doesn't realize how great of a person I am because the fat is standing in the way. I feel judged when I eat in public. The list just goes on & on.

Not to mention - my fiance's mother was a large woman. She passed away this past October from a heart attack. She was 64 - and I don't want that to happen to me, ever. I miss her a lot and I wonder now if it needed to happen - I doubt she knew OHIP would pay for WLS. I didn't know until this March, but I had been thinking of it for a couple of years; just knew it would be a really long time before I could afford it.

Also, there's one last reason - my very own mother. She has brought up my weight every single time she talks to me for the past 11 years. (And yet, when I told her about this surgery, she is completely against it and thinks I'm being foolish & taking an unneeded drastic measure. Go figure). I just want her to SHUT UP about how concerned she is "for my health" (which we all know is a crock of shit saying which means, "I'm embarrassed to have a fat daughter, why can't you deal with it?").

Anyway. Those are my reasons for doing this. I can't wait.