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So the deed so to speak is done.  I went to the surgeons office in Cinncinnati yesterday.  I had my blood work done and and EKG.  I also signed the paper work for the hospital and the Dr.  The biggest deed of all I had to pay for the whole procedure.  Cha ching.  Handing over the check made it all very real.  I have no fear of the surgery itself.  The dr and hospital are Bariatric Certified and only have a 1-2% complication rate.  I have done so well on my weight loss of 45 pounds since Dec 12th, 2014 that instead of doing 4 weeks of the pre-op diet i only have to do 3.  Woo Whoo!  They had on a paper that my pre-surgery weight had to be 349 and I am 340.  I still have to do the 3 wk preop diet to shrink my liver more.  I have to call every Friday starting the 20th with my weight.  I should lose another 15-20 pounds in that 3 weeks up to surgery.  I am feeling good about it all as long as there are no complications.  Complications should there by any since I am self pay will not be covered by insurance which makes me nervous. My surgery date is March 9 and that will be here before we know it. I have decided to keep the surgery quiet and I still trying to figure out how to handle once people start to notice.

Woo Hoo  I went to the Family Dr. this morning  i went from 20 mg Bystolic to 5 mg!  After 42 pounds!!  I am estatic!  So I am pretty much off my Inconstinence meds and my water pill.  Soon I'll be rid of the BP meds !  That leaves me with Requip for restless leg sydrome and Celexa for my sanity.  I had no idea the meds would go away so fast.  This will sure help the monthly budget at home my Bystolic was $70 a month at CVS and $175 for 3 month thru mail order.  So looking forward to the day maybe I wont be meds at all possibly.  That will leave me with my Cpap  not sure about that since my skinny brother just had to get one.

Ugh  come on scale work with me!  I havent been walking because it has either been to cold, icy or snowy to walk on the roads.  I can tell.  I go to the  family Dr tomorrow see what she thinks of my weight loss and bp. 

I was surprised to hear our daughter who is 21 is afraid for me to have the sleeve surgery.  Said she has been watching My 600 pound life on tv and seeing the complications.  I watch it too and my biggest fear is the thought of gaining the weight back.  I am taking her with me to the consent signing on Monday and have her ask any questions.  My husband cant seem to wrap his head around the whole thing.  He has March 9th  surgery date in his head and that is it.  I have told him repeatedly about the 4 week diet when I eat their Proti-Diet food.  He likes to cook so I have been letting him cook for him and the kids.  This whole process would have been easier if I could have done it in secret.  Hard to drop 40 pounds in 6 weeks without somebody you live with noticing.

I think my biggest hurdle will be to stop making excuses.  Why I didnt walk, journal or measure my food.  Thats what got me to weigh 384 pounds to start with!

Right or wrong it is looking and sounding more like I will be giving up the appetite control of the adipex for a smaller stomach.  I hate, hate, hate to read posts about people regaining all their weight.  Lord help me be strong I cant disappoint myself or my family and ever let that happen. Some how some way I have to learn to hate the carbs that got me this way.  The pizza, pasta and the bread.  I have to keep telling myself that even one bite is too much.  Although I know 1 bite will not kill me.  But it is the next 20-30 bites after that will.  I have lived without Pizza Hut, Subway and Olive Garden since Dec 12 and I am not starving.  I feel so much better and I am not tired all the time.  So why would I ever want to go back to the old eating habits?  I think it is the taste, the texture and the full feeling. One bite and I am like a shark in the water with blood.  I cant eat it fast enough or get enough of it.

Watching alot of TLC channel My 600 lb life.  Watched a show about teens who struggled badly with eating right after surgery.  I saw one mom tell her son 1 piece of pizza wont hurt. ( I used to tell myself that) I know already how hard it is to see 7 people eating Dominos pizza in your hotel room and telling yourself.  Dont even look it, don't smell it don't even touch the box.  Now almost a week later there is leftover pizza in our frig and I haven't even touched to the box to look at it.  I can smell it when i open the frig door. So i learned something about myself this past week.  Before I would have eaten the leftovers and told myself what difference does it make if I eat it all at once or if I spread it out over a couple days.  I would have wolfed it down and hid the box. Acted like it was never there.  I realized I was the leftover queen.  Not many in our house will eat leftovers.  I would eat them just so we didnt waste the food.  I ate alot of leftovers.  What was I thinking?  If over the years I would have thrown them out or only eaten leftovers at meals in place of a meal how much thinner I would be now.  Pizza, pasta and carbs in general are like alcohol to an alcoholic to me.  I am a carboholic 

Amazed how good I feel.  To go to the closet and grab something and have it fit.  It's been a long time since that's happened.  Yesterday I really noticed how different my face looked.  How the fat and excess skin over my eyelids was finally starting to receed.  How I didnt have such bags under my eyes. I usually avoid mirrors but yesterday i kept looking i couldnt get over the change.

Hubby liking the changes too.  He never complained about my size before but he is for sure liking the down word trend. 

Told hubby about the surgery consent I have to sign.  How if something goes wrong we have to pay insurance will not cover anything.  He said I have come this far I should keep going.  I even offered to have him read it.   He did think I was going to have lap band.  I told him it was the Vertical sleeve and explained it to him. 

Our accountant says it will all be tax deductible for 2015 tax year. Yeah!  that should help.

Which got me thinking so I bought folders for my oldest kids, mom and husband and I am printing out all about the surgery, advantages and disadvantages.  About the Dr.  How many surgeries he has done and info about him.  I will be giving then each a folder when surgery gets closer to answer any questions and so they have something to refernece. All info is off my surgeons website so they get info that pertains to his practice.  Hopefully this will fill them in on what is all going on.

  Feeling good about how things are going.

One tenth of a pound to go to say I lost 40 pounds.  Wow!  40 pounds.  I sure feel better.  Last week I could finally hooked my seat belt without sucking it in to get it to latch.  I sat in a booth at Applebees and my stomach didnt hang over the table.  I wore clothes I bought last summer that were tight and they fit the way they are supposed too now.  Called the Dr this morning because I have been getting headaches and I think it is because I dont need the full dose of my BP meds any more.  I nevr thought I would see this weight again.  I can't wait til get into the 200's again.

This is on my mind often.  My immediate family knows and 2 friends.  Prior to this I have talked about WLS for years and well opinions are like @$$holes everyone has one! I figure most people have seen my weight go up and down so many times they will figure there she goes again.  How long will it last this time?  I have a lot of issues with trust.  I trust people and then they hurt me down the road.  The very reason I hold a lot in.  My mom was always against WLS till we went on a mother daughter weekend and she saw how my weight was slowly killing me.  That brought the subject up and eventually lead to a Dr. visit.  My husband was a hurdle and I decided to do it with or without his approval.  I was even willing to risk divorce to have it done.  Luckily he finally agreed it was time.  I initially told one friend who had RYN about 10 years ago and she drove me crazy.  I hope I don't do that to someone years down the road.  Actually friends of the friend who had RYN actually don't look at her as a success.  She eats anything and everything and if I was her I wouldn't be proud to say I had surgery. She is not a post child for WLS.  I don't believe she is using the tool she was given correctly.  I have a fear of telling people and failing and they will say look it didn't work!  or thought you weren't supposed to gain.  In my head it's hard to imagine after surgery I will not be gaining the weight back yet again.  I had lost over 30 pounds the first 30 days of my Dr.'s 1000 calorie, 100 carbs, 60 protein diet.  Now I'm on a stall.  My brain is my biggest hurdle!  I can do this!  I can do this!

Surgery is scheduled for March 9th at 10 am.  I'm shocked to say I am not even excited.  I thought I would be ecstatic.  Maybe too far away.  I dreading the 4 weeks of Proti-Diet food.  I have to do that because my BMI is still over 50!  uh.  I am almost ready to stop reading the message boards because I see people struggle with this and that and then get some harsh comments.  I hope I don't struggle !  I hope I can get enough protein in.  I hope I don't have to ask any questions and need a new tailbone after.  This is why I don't think I will tell many people before or after surgery because Who needs the ass chewing!  sure didn't think I would feel that way!  Overall I am doing well with the weightloss and exercise above what I thought I would be doing by now.  I think I will do great with it all.  Like most of my life I feel the need to keep everything to myself.  I will succeed by myself.  

So excited for this year.  The scale keeps going down.  I survived 2 of our kids birthdays in one week with 2 Dairy Queen ice cream cakes and i never even licked the knife that cut them.  Before I would have had eaten a big piece or more from each cake.  Down 23 pounds so far.  Feels so good to fit in some old and new clothes i have had but couldnt get into.