Sue O.
Well, it seems that with the new format here at OH what was previuosly here isn't any more. Bummer, now I have to try to do this all over again!!
I began my weight loss surgery quest in all earnest 2004. I how ever, didn't apply for the program with Kaiser Health Insurance until November of 2005. I was approved for the program in December 2005 and actually attended the first meeting in Janurary 2006.
I have been overweight since I was a 6 year old. My experience of being an overweight child and the constant verbal abuse heaped on me by school mates caused me to have a very negative image of myself. I relaise that is a common issue for kids, but it made me miserable, really damaged my self esteem and affected how I thought for much of my life.
I was also an victim of childhood sexual abuse,which just increased the convidence issues and mistaken beliefs about myself I have battled. I know that there are many "abuse" survivors who also have weight issues. That would include, physical, verbal, sexual abuse as well as having parents who had alcohol or drug problems. My only reason for starting my story with this information is because of the effect it had on my life. I hope that other people who have survived these issues will appreciate my honesty and know they are not alone in that experience. I believe that speaking up for ourselves is a much needed step in our recovery and healing. Now onto much easier subject.......
When I began my research about WLS, I never dreamed or had an inkling what would be envolved in the ultimate decision to have the surgery. I believe that anyone who makes the final decision for surgery is doing a good thing for themselves. But with that decision comes a lot of fear, doubt and unknown about what we will be getting ourselves into. The one thing that has impressed me most about having the surgery is the fact that the most difficult part of getting ready for the surgery is the psychological and emotional toll it brings.
As someone who has been litterly entangled in the Kaiser Hospital experience this past year I feel that I have become an expert in the difficulties of getting to the point of surgery. As much as I hate to admit it, I truely believe the slow progress I have met is turning out for the best. Trust me, I am one of the most impatient women you will ever find. I have hated every second that was delayed and I have cried and been angry at times. Again it's the emotional toll that wares one down about having the surgery.
I have been required to lose 60 pounds before I could get my surgery date. I have been in weight loss hell ever since. When I say weight loss hell, I mean that because of how difficult it is for me to actually lose weight. I tried diet's so many time during my life and I was not successful at getting weight off. Which, I'm thinking you're saying,"Duh, why else is she here!" I have battled my weight and how I feel about myself for so long it became a second calling almost. So I thought I was prepared for the demands of getting ready for surgery. Nope, not even close! My first trama hit when I procrastinated attending the very first required class to only apply for the surgery. It took me three months to get there. But once I went I was more certain I was making the right choice. I was approved with out any problem, which now I think back about it was a good thing. Because that was about the only thing about my process that was to be effortless.
My next difficulty came when I was required to complete blood test's before seeing the WLS Program Director. I fell apart because I felt like I was condeming my self to something horriable. I litterly felt like a condemed prisioner going to death. That was a very difficult thing to face. I did manage to go once I cried and my husband listened to how I was feeling. But it was not easy!
From there on I thought I was doing much better. But then I ran up against my resistance to complying to the actual lifestyle change, aka know as the program diet. Again all my old feelings about deprevation had to be over come and adjusted so I could start losing weight. Every time I thought I was getting somewhere I was hit by another emotional reaction.But still I kept going forward. I managed to continue losing weight even though I was so sure I couldn't keep doing.
Then come June of 2005, I had been walking to comply with the required exercise of the program.Then I developed severe swelling and pain in my right knee. I found out my knee joints were severly damaged due to carrying my excess weight for so long. That was very depressing and discouraging for me. I switched to swimming for exercise. Because of the rural area I live in I knew the swimming would come to a abrupt halt once cold weather arrived. And it did.
In July I had my first appointment with my Kaiser surgeon. He mistakenly thought I had a hernia that he said would need to be taken care of before he would even consider me for surgery. That was a frightening situation to be placed in. That surgery is very risky and a majorly dangerous. I ended up seeing another surgeon and he discovered there was no hernia. Well needless to say I now was very upset at the WLS who had been so wrong. And it began to undermine confidence in the WLS doctor.
Now it's August 2005. That was a lousy month in the continuing saga to WLS. I went back to the orginal surgeon who had said I had the hernia. He was very insenced that he was wrong with his diagnosis. That made me even more certain I wanted a different surgeon now! So now I have to buck the system and change Doctor's. Great! But that wasn't only problem ahead. I tried going on vacation but that turned into a nightmare because I couldn't walk well enough to keep up with the tour group. So I eventually ened up going home early because of that. Okay, you're thinking now what? The man I love most in the whole world has lung cancer. That began a down hill slide into depression. Because I didn't know how I was going to live without him.
September we began the Lung Cancer education and treatment treadmill. I tried to keep going but finally the depression got me to the point I didn't care if I lived and truthfully I didn't want to. So it was deal with my depression now. That entailed medication and counseling.Which I began October 2005. I'm still losing weight with all this.
November arrived and I was better the depression was responding to the medication. Then my husbands Father passed away. He was 97 so that was something we had expected to happen. But it still takes a toll on the family. We got him buried and we celebrated his life. Then my youngest son developed pancreatic problems amd ended up in ICU. Oh. boy! Was this ever going to end?
Nope, of course not! December was spent taking care of my son and that was no picnic. Right before Christamas the stress caught up with us. We all hit bottom and caught a sever viral cold. I ened up in the hospital. All I could do was hang on till 2007 because I knew all this had to change.
Janurary 2007, started out fine. My niece was married at the end of Janurary. Which was wonderful until the flu devestated us at the wedding reception.The good thing about that was I lost 12 pounds. There was a silver lining.
Which brings us to February2007. I had my psych evaluation and because I was on antidepressants I found out I can't get a surgery date until I had been on the medication for 6 months. Which brings me to the present.......
July 5, 2007
I had not caught up with my postings for quite awhile. Truthfully I was feeling very discouraged with my weight loss and seeming lack of progress in getting a surgery date. I had gotten approved or authroized by the Psychcologist at the end of May and I had to wait for another appointment with my surgeon that was on June 5th. I went to that appointment feeling so down and frustrated. I expected to hear "come back in two months and we will see how your weight loss is going." But to my total shock my surgeon, Dr Alami asked if I was ready for a surgery date in August. Holy smoke, was I surprized!! But thrilled actually. I was just so shocked the waiting was truely comming to an end in August. I didn't come away with an actual date because Kaiser only schedules surgery date 6 weeks ahead and they didn't have a August schedule set up at that time. I expected to hear sometime after the 1st of July what the actual date would be. But again I was surprized on June 27 with a call from the Bariatric Department on my answering machine for me to call them back. My first though was " Oh great, what now" Which lasted about 30 seconds as I looked for the telephone number. Then it hit me, could they be calling with my actual date??? Darn right they were!!! I was actually giddy after I hung up the phone with the clerk in their office. Big news, I wanted to call someone and tell them I had my date. Every person I tried were either not at home or not answering their cell phones. I was alone except for the dog looking at me like I had lost my mind. Let me tell you that was so anti-climatic!!!! I finally got through to my husband and son and of course they were no where as exceited as I was. Then later on in the day I got calls back from everyone I had left messages with. I'm still feeling kind of shocked. The idea of actual surgery is seeming more real all the time. I had no idea how I would actually feel when I got a date. But stunned and estatic were not my visions of a reaction.
I am not nervous. I can't figure out why either? I will most likely get that way as the date gets closer, but not yet. I've gone into the get prepared mode. I've been rereading all my infromation in the Weight Loss Surgery binder Kaiser issued to me way back in Feburary 2006. I would do that ever so often any way, so the reminder was nothing new. But it feels different now. Where I kind of glossed over the details now I am reading everything carefully. Guess that's normal. I think! I have been warning everyone in the family that "I" need support and stress free time from now until at least 11 weeks after my surgery. The 11 weeks after surgery came from my counsler I see for treatment of my depression. He said it takes around 11 weeks to be considered recovered from the surgery and changes envolved. I suppose I should count that out on the calendar to see when that works out to be. It would be interesting to see if I feel recovered at that point. I made myself a 2 month calendar to keep track of the countdown towards surgery. It seemed to be some visual sign of the time I need to reassure myself of the reality of the time envolved. I'm tapeing it to the mirror above my dressing table.That way it is in front of me every day.
I have four more drives to South San Francisco in the next 2 months. But it's all toward the new begining from surgery on. Then I will have a whole new set of issues to be concerned with. I am just trying to figure out all I need to do before the surgery and get it accomplished. I decided that I am going to redecorate my bed room. Hey, it's as good as excuse as any to keep me busy. I talked to my husband about getting a new iron bed, which I have always wanted. He didn't say no so that's a good thing! I've been wanting to redo the bed room for some time and make myself a small reading area with a rocking chair, foot stool, table and lamp. Plus the bed has been in the same place ever since we moved into the room. It's time for a change. Heck if I don't like it I can always change back. So that's how I am doing right now. Pretty darn good! I promise I will add to this more often as the surgery tension increases.
Well, better late than never. I had my surgery August 16,2008. I spent three days in the hospital. I had a rough time from the moment I woke up in recovery. Seems "they" had a heck of a time finding a pain medication that worked for me. My surgeon had told me I wouldn't have any pain. Boy was that not true!!!! Four types of pain medication later they finally got the pain controlled. All I can say is "Thank God"!!! After that my pain was well controlled and it wasn't an issue any more. The self doseing pain pump was great! I reccomend that anyone who has surgery use the pain meds consistantly. The only time I was uncomfortable was when I had gone a bit longer than I should in using the meds.
My worse problem right from the begining was nausea! I was constantly sick! Little did I know that nausea would be a constant thing for the next several months! I guess I was one of the unlucky patients to have that be a problem. I spent the first month discovering how much I could dread being sick at every thing I tried to get down. Right after I got home from my surgery I ended up in the ER with a kidney stone and a UTI infection. I honest to God thought I had tore some thing loose internally until I got checked out that night. Kidney stones are one of the most painful things I have ever had wrong with me. Picture feeling as if you were trying to deliver a kitten with it's claws on all four feet extened in an area never ment to produce a kitten! And guess what the nausea was even worse. Actually it was dry heaves mostly, until I had to drink some dye for a cat scan then it was throwing up!!! That was not a pretty night. Again thank God for strong pain medication. Pain like that akes you appreciate the wonder of drugs. The next week was very painful, but I made it through! Then a month later I had to go through it all again with another stone and UTI. I spent more time in the hospital in two months than I had in an entire year before. For those of you wondering, Kaiser is a great hospital but nothing happens fast no matter how bad you are hurt or ill.
All along I was still having nausea and throwing up almost every thing I ate. At three months it was found that I had a pinky finger tip sized opening from my pouch. I had three endascope procedures to expand the opening. The endscope procedures are no big deal. I was pretty nervous going into the first one, but after I found out it was easy I was cool about having to have it done twice more. Enlarging the opening eased up the nausea, but it was having to start all over with learning what I could and couldn't eat. The first four months I lived on protein shakes and cottage cheese. I developed an ulcer and found out I was extreemly sensative to fats! And how I missed learning fats could be such a problem is a mystery to me, but I did! Once I was aware fats caused me such problems I have carefully been attempting to eat more variety. Still I get sick a good portion of the time and nothing is good or enjoyable. My sense of taste has altered so much it's incredible.
I have had a very hard time eating. Simply beause I have been sick or nauseaed so much. Talk about vomiting an nausea causeing behavior modification from hell. I litterly couldn't make myself eat at times. I never ever thought I would develope an adversion to food. It is frightening! I was so concerned about how I was feeling I even saw a counseler to help me deal with the behavior and reaction. That helped some! But I doubt I will ever be able to eat comfortablly again. Of course that is probably my fear talking. I will get bck to you about that issue as I go through the next year or so.
Now, the good news. I have lost 140 pounds from begining the Kaiser WLS program and post surgery. I've lost 80 pounds in the last 5 months. I am smaller now than my sons have ever known me to be. I have gone down from wearing a size seven X to a size two X as of now. I'm still not sure how I look. It's taking some getting use to the changes because of my age and being past menapause. I don't recognize the woman in the mirror anymore. I keep stressing the mental, emotional adjustments regarding the surgery and physical issues are the most difficult to deal with!!! The mental attitude and mind set make or break a person. You have to honest to God really have your head in the right state to face everything that comes along with your individual surgery.
I made up my mind to face the choice I was and have made in having the surgery. I have not had a moment of regret that I had the surgery. And one would think I might have considering all the problems I've had. But I truthfully haven't! I have gotten tired of being sick and feeling crappy. I have gotten discouraged and frustrated over not knowing what I can eat! But I am not sorry or regretful I had the surgery at all!!! I keep reminding myself that I made this choice to have surgery and deal with everything that resulted from it. I feel it would be wrong for me to whine or complain over something I chose to have done to myself. I know I am stronger than I feel and I can do what I have to to handle what comes along. I have been complemented by friends and family for how I act and feel from the surgery. I know they are right I have a really great attitude! And I think that makes all the difference in living with the surgery and it's results. So really think about how you feel and think about the reason you are having the surgery. Be totally honest with your self and you will face every thing better. Don't think you know every thing about how you feel and think because WLS surgery in nothing like you imagine it will be. And everybody is different in how it affects them. Temper your expectation and preconcieved notions and you will do better. Honest!
I am doing pretty good right now. I feel like I finally am getting better. There for awhile it seemed like there was no change in sight. I am able to do more things. I move easier. But since I had to stop taking my arthritis medication, I hurt constantly and that wares one down. My knee is not better and it looks like the only thing that could help would be some form of knee replacemant surgery. And I expect it will come to that. I haven't lost my hair, which I was so worried about. Beware of after surgery constapation, it's miserable! I feel like I take pills all day long because of the medication I still have to take along with the vitamins. I actually like drinking water and I don't miss the ice tea I use to drink all the time. I am drinking herbal teas and I like them, go figure. I haven't developed and subsitute addictions yet, but I am aware I could. My marriage isn't any better or worse, which is a good thing! My husband and kids still are a pain in the rear and that is normal. I have a new dog and she's a darling thing. I am able to go shopping with my girl friends again, because I get around better. I still have no sense of judgement as to what size I am when I look at clothes. But I can shop in normal stores that carry size 24 or 26. I am going to have to have major skin removed because I look like a charpay dog with all the hanging loose skin! But that's cool, I have wanted to have a tummy tuck since my first kid was born. Now I really really have to have it done. I am not looking forward to that, but again it' just something else I have to face because of WLS changes. All in all right now things are getting better and it's a relief!!!!
I'm not very good at keeping my profile updated. Life gets in the way of the best intentions. I have lost over 200 pounds. I have returned to work, which I would rather not have done. But I had too. We just needed the money. I hate working and wish I could stay at home. Life makes us do what we have to. I am now wearing a size 18. I haven't been a size 18 since 1976. Once I have my tummy tuck/ remodeling I think I will be wearing a size 16 or maybe a 14. This still seems kind of unreal being so much smaller. But I am truely happy with myeslf right now. So what ever happens is fine, what ever size i actually end up being. I have to have knee replacement surgery. I'm scheduled fro that March 2ND, 2009. Boy am I frightened of this surgery. More so than I ever was with my gastric bypass. I am sure I will end up having the knee replacement surgery, but it is making me sceared to death. I don't know if I can handle the pain and difficult recovery. I don't want to end up not being able to get around after getting my weight down. I am afraid somethng will go wrong and I will be crippled worse than I am now. I know it's an irrational fear. But we feel what we feel and sometimes it just doesn't make a difference how much common sense one has to compensate for the feelings. When you are afraid it's had to get beyond the fear. Everything about this surgery is frightening. But the choice is to remain in constant pain and with decreasing ability to get around. I've been to the ER several times with severe pain and swelling of my right knee, where the damage is the greatest. Last night being another experience with that. I cannot deal with the pain at some point and end up in ER. There isn't much they can do except tell you to stay off it, and give you pain medication which only dulls the pain doesn't end it. So my knee surgery is rescheduled again for a few weeks. And I have to consentrate on getting m self in the right frame of mind for surgery. I hope I can do that. I'd rather deal with anything else than be afraid of the unknown.
