Ashley T.

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 Still waiting to hear back from Guelph for my Surgeons Appointment. 8 weeks is next week, 12 weeks is the first week of Feb. I cannot believe I am almost there....like, I should be having surgery in the next 8 weeks....Really?!?! It is insane.

I am wearing a size 24 pant now, down from a 28 when I was at my highest. My sister bought me a 2x shirt for Christmas, I havent wore a 2x in YEARS..and it fit..Which was amazing for me. other brands 2x dont fit but I am down to a 3x in most stores. Most of my pants dont fit...but I can use the belt I bought last year on its actual holes now (not the one I made for it) so that helps. I refuse to buy new clothes right now.

I think thats really my only updates for weight loss.... Though I do want to talk about boys a little...haha

I dont remember if I mentioned to any of you before that I am married but in a non monogamous relationship, My husband and I date other people and it works really well for us. I met this one guy online like 3 years ago, we used to play World of Warcraft together, and in the summer we started talking again and got really close, I never wanted it to get beyond us being friends because well, how does one have a relationship with someone from Montana, when they live in Ontario, Canada! And although neither of us have entirely figured it out yet, we are making it work the best we can. He is kind of wonderful and stuff lol. He makes me smile and it is hard to go a day without talking to him. He is not normally one for non monogamy so it is difficult when I date someone other then my husband, though he is ok with me being married, kind of strange but whatever. He is planning on coming to visit in February, I am hoping for a March surgery date, he wants to see me before and after, and he is proud of all the progress I have made. I also have recently (about a month ago) started dating another married guy (his wife is fully aware of everything). He is kind of awesome, a bit younger then me, but easy going, nerdy and just fun to be around. He speaks so elegantly and is sweet. haha, I am such a sucker for a good smile, nice eyes and a kind heart!....I am done with new people though. 3 Men in my life is enough! (probably more then enough if I am being honest but I am just so damn happy at the moment)

Anyway, thats all for now....Will write again when I hear more about dates and such!

I have had a lot of shit happen in my life....Dont get me wrong, I has a privilaged kid, I needed for nothing and was fairly spoiled. Though other things happened, I watch my mom be abused by her husband for 4 years, we ended up with 24 hour police protection because it got so bad, at the same time my best friend who was only 8 years old died of cancer. Other things happened. Someone close to me forced me to do things with someone else, sexual things....I was raped as a young girl too....All these things though, they do not define who I am...they happened, they sucked a lot, but they made me into the amazing woman I am today....the strong, independent, beautiful, funny and awesome person I am...and I dont wish they never happened...because I can't change them, the only thing I can do is accept them and move on....which I have, years ago, There is no point in holding onto the hatred and anger that events like that cause, because it only poisons your life, your environment, and makes you unhappy and unhealthy...

I think the one thing I took from all of those things happening though, the one thing that has never left me and I am unable to beat alone, is my inability to understand or talk about how I am feeling. I can't even tell me husband why I am the way I am sometimes. When I go in for professional help I cant use the words I know are there somewhere to be able to tell them that something just isn't right because I cant talk about it. Words and emotions escape me as I stumble and try to get them out. If I am put in an uncomfortable situation I just sit there and stare blankly at the person unsure of what to say, and then my mind wanders onto all the things that I could or should say, and then I forget entirely what the conversation was about.

It is frustrating and hard, how does one go about getting help for something that they can't verbalize, express or understand themselves. ...

I just dont even know where to go or start looking for the right kind of help out...so I can speak and talk and share. 

So I got into work on Wednesday after requesting my next appointment off (I live in London Ont, Go to the Guelph Clinic which is east of London and work an hour west of London) and my office manager had already said it was alright.

Well apparently the people in Michigan who I work for are "watching me" because they are unimpressed with the amount of time I have taken off. I am not under probation,all the days I have taken off for preparing for the surgery have been approved by them, and other then that I hve missed 3 days of work, one my husband was in the hospital, another I was lagitimately sick, and the other I was in a car accident on my way to work.

Anyway I am just frustrated because my office manager knows and is ok with everything that is going on, and is prepared for my time off and everything, and now the big boss is like "SHES TAKING TOO MUCH TIME OFF"

Sometimes I wish I didnt have to work lol 

AND MY LAST!!!!

Got the Green light from her, apparently I am mentally prepared and stable enough for surgery!

I made my appointments with the nurse and dietition on different days then the social worker to speed up the process a bit.

When I was in yesterday they weighed me and I was down 4 pounds from my first visit on Sept 30th. So it looks like the changes I am making are working. Hopefully I get the green light from the dietition and the Nurse next visit.

I am prepared for this, it is not something I went into lightly, it is something that I talked to my husband about for months, and then I started the process and stopped because the clinic I was with just didnt care, I switched to guelph knowing that i would add at least another year to my wait, but it was worth it to me. Now I am with Guelph and they CARE about their patients and want them to suceed and they listen to me when I say "No I am not an over eater, an emotional eater, and I dont get up at night and eat without knowing...I am just fat, I have always been fat, and I had a few bad years where I ate out a lot and getting my weight back down is NOT easy". can you tell I really like the guelph clinic? lol.

I dont post on the forums much because I am not a forum person, but I do enjoy being able to sit down and write what I am feeling about my journey. So for anyone reading...Thanks! 

So Friday I had my first real appointment at Guelph with the Nurse and the Dietitian.

I heard a lot of information I already knew, actually, I am pretty sure at least 99.9% of the info I already knew. I have educated myself when it comes to this, I have learned all the things I have to do, and all the changes I have to make, I am ready for it. 

The nurse told me to start exercising more, even 5 mins a day, so once the big move is over next week, I am going to go for a walk everyday. The Dietitian said to start following the Canada Food Guide, so again, once the big move is over next week I will start that too. I am pretty good about it now, but I have good and bad days.

I go back on November 10th for my follow up with the nurse and dietitian. and Oct 17th I meet the Social worker.

Wish me luck! 

Life is a bitch, and man she fucking hates me lately.

here is how the last 4 days have gone for me.

Friday morning, get up, have an email from guy I am dating, he has to cancel Saturdays date due to personal reasons (valid, and I already told him it was ok) bummer! not a way to start a Friday..but life happens.

Friday Mid morning on my way to work, some old man, who should have a license, was turning right in front of me, he was about 5 car lengths in front of me, so I was pretty good, then about 3/4's of the way tthrough his turn he decided that instead of turning right, he would like to turn left. His rear end became very aquinted with my fromt end....a lovely thing you know.

So that started my weekend right....Pain in my neck and shoulder and back....car not driveable and in the shop...and missing a day of work..

Now Fastforward to today, Monday, when the appraiser went and decided that there is frame damage to the car, so bad that it is not worth fixing....WONDERFUL, we still have 4 years on the loan, a car that is being written off, and I work an hour from the city.

My husband is being a complete asshole about everything and I am stressed as it is.

Fuck, My, Life....

 

Today I went in for my Upper Abdoman ultra sound and my Upper GI Series...!! Yay things I can check off the list.

So all the things on my "Things to do to make the process faster" List from Guelph are done!

H Pylori Blood test - Done Fall 2010
Information Session at Guelph General - Aug. 11th 2011
Sleep Study - Done Sept 11/11
30 Day Food Journal - Done! Aug - Sept 2011
Upper Abdomen Ultra Sound and Upper GI Series - Done Sept 21/11

Next things up are
Appointment with the Nurse and Dietion on Sept 30th 2011
Appointment with the Social Worker on Oct 17th.


I have cut out pop, I fell off the wagon a few times, but am doing well. I switched from coffee with cream and sugar to tea with milk.
I already packed my lunch everyday
and next week I am going to start making my own protein shakes in the mornings.
Yay!

No one said this would be easy, I'm not expecting it to be easy, but the fights that it has caused with my husband are not making the process easier. He wants to push me to do more active stuff, and until I start doing more active stuff, he wont give up drinking pop around me. I want to increase my activity to walking 3 times a week for 20-40 mins, I want to cut out all pop, I want to drink more water, and I want to stop eating fast food and junk. These are all things that I want to do, but how does one just stop. Did you wake up one day and say, that's it, I am done with it, and never look back, did you slowly just stop eating, and drinking junk, and start moving more, or was it a slow process that took time? I know it takes effort, so I am not even going to ask that.

What if post op, I have these struggles of stopping the bad, and keeping up with the good. Generally speaking portion control isnt an issue for me, it is the choices I make during the day that bite me in the ass. Sometimes not eating for hours at a time, or making the wrong choices.

My husband and I dont see eye to eye, he believes that negative support is the way to go, I believe that positive support works better. We are arguing about this, everytime I say I will do something, and I dont "keep my word" he thinks I have lied, and calls it a trust issue.
I just, dont know what to do anymore.

So, I guess I just want to put it out there, because people assume things about your status sometimes....and I like being blunt I guess....

I am married, I am female, I am in my mid twenties, I am (currently) Fat, I am also Polyamorous. I love my husband, but I feel it is possible to be IN Love with more then one person at a time, and acting on it isnt a bad thing...

yep..thats me...in a nutshell....

overshare maybe? 

Life has been interesting over the past year and a half. I stopped going to the first WLS clinic I was going to, waited a year for an appointment at the clinic in Guelph, and saw them for the first time in August.

I also go Married last September! (yaya me!!)

I have a week left of my one month food journal, and I started walking 20 mins 3 times a week.

Two nights ago I had my first sleep study, honestly, how do they expect you to actually sleep in those, I got maybe 2 hours of sleep, and tossed and turned the entire night.

Next week I have an Upper GI Series and Upper Abdomon Ultrasound, and on the 30th I have my first real Appointment with the nurse and nutrionist at the Guelph clinic.

No idea when Surgery will be, or if it will be anytime in the next year, but I hope it is soon. I am ready for it, so very ready for it.

I am having more pain in my back, and neck lately, and I just want it to be over.

I know it will be a long journey still, but I am definitely prepare.