tonimari98
I'm a Loser...Baby So Why Don't Ya Kill Me...
This is how I always take pictures...Face shot or Behind somebody else.
*My Statement*
The more I think about the surgery the more I know that this is the best thing I will do for myself. I have no second thoughts about this…This is an absolute must for me. But what I keep thinking about is why some people choose to believe that this surgery, process, life style change is by any means an “easy way out”. How can this be an easy way out? I am about to change everything about my life. The way I deal with stress, sadness, boredom, happiness, joy, & social situations. I am giving up my friend, my comfort, & my way of life. I will never again be able to abuse food. This is going to be a physical & psychological battle for me, and for anyone who is having this surgery…Easy way out?? NO. Sure Way out?? NO. Best possible chance to be healthy, Alive, and stay that way in the long term. YES.
Obesity is a decease,
Obesity will kill me.
If I had cancer, would you look down on me and tell me that I am taking the easy way out because I choose to fight that decease with chemotherapy? Is That an easy way out or is it a solution to hopefully prolong your life?
April 14, 2005
Well I'm at the begining of this process...I have had my Psychology consult and my dietician consult as well as all my labs, I have 3 pre-op appointments left tomorrow 4/15/2005 is gastroenterology, Monday is pulmonary and Tuesday is My last test with Cardio. Then I get to wait for Insurance approval. I hope to have the Surgery by the end of May 2005.
I little about me: My name is Maria I am 32 years old
I am 5' 11" tall
I Live in North Carolina, I am Married and have 3 kids. I am like most people in here,I have been overweight my whole life. It never really kept me down I always played sports and was pretty active. But slowly I slowed down and now am over 300 pounds...which is shocking to me, as well as depressing. I hate to go anywhere becuase I feel so out of place, I'm moody and angry all the time. I have no idea what happened to me. I feel like I am neglecting my kids...I don't play with them becuase I get so winded that I feel like I'm going to pass out and my lungs burn. I am constantly in pain my legs, my back, my head. Life pretty much sucks for me. Which is sad becuase I have a great loving family, more than I thought I would ever have. So the possiblilty of this surgery is like getting a second chance at life.
Me & My Best Friend...I'm so Big!
Me & Jim (my Husband)
I HATE BEING FAT!!!
I Hate not having energy
I hate getting winded by just sweeping my livingroom.
I hate that one of my chins gets stuck to my neck.
I hate that I'm scared to sit in chairs for fear of not fitting in it, or worse having it callapse beneath me.
I hate the rolls that show through my clothes.
I hate not liking me.
I hate that I sweat like a hog even if it's cold.
I hate that I lack self esteem
I Hate the rashes
I hate the back pain
I hate being embaressed when I meet some one new
I hate "not being good enough"
I hate not playing with my kids
I hate not having any energy
I hate going any where
I hate me. Monday April 25,2005
Went to Dr. Falsone today for my stress test he wants me back tomorrow for an ECHO My output isn't quite Normal. Please don't let this be a problem!!!I'll find out tomorrow.
Can I just say to anyone who thinks that's this surgery is the"easy way out" It's not....and if you are having this surgery and thinking it's the easy way out or fix it all, then you should not be having this surgery. I know that this is just a tool that will help me become a healthier person. It will be up to me to exercise, eat properly & take my meds. If I do not then NO I will not loose the weight And YES I will gain the weight back. I also know that I eat for emotional reasons, and this surgery will NOT cure that...Therapy and group sessions will help me gain control of those issues. This IS NOT THE EASY WAY OUT. This is the shovel that will help me dig myself out of this hole. I love my friends and family please support me with my decision, even if you do not agree with my choice. I just want to live my life & be the person that I know I am. And most of all, even if it was to be the easy way out...who says that life has to be an up hill battle? This may be as close to the "magic Pill" that we may ever have.
April 28, 2005
If this process is teaching me anything it's patience. I am so ready to do this...
What really amazes me is that the people that are happy for me, supportive and encouraging, are the people that I thought would not get it. They are the ones that I thought could not possibly understand why I need to do this. But, they are the ones who seem to be as excited about me to having this surgery as I am. They understand that I feel I am missing something out of life. That means so much to me...It really does. Thank You.
April 29,2005
Dr. Falzone called me today, Told me my heart IS strong...I was so worried about that. But he said I have nothing to worry about. I am basicly cleared for Surgery! I have a Pulmonary appointment on monday and I know I'm cleared!! I Can't wait for that next big call. I really think this may happen by the end of May.
I think I can realisticly set my goal weight to be 160 lbs. So I need to loose 150 pounds. wow!
Taken April 29,2005 Ready?? weight 316...I guess I hide it well. 
May 1,2005
Although I have always been overweight, I remember looking at people that were severly overweight and wondering how did they let themselves get that big. It's so easy to judge things when you're looking from the outside in. I am begining to understand. There comes a point when you're overweight, that you start hurting when you move, so you move less, and gain more. Then depression sets in...and there is that one comfort that makes you feel better for a minute...so you over indulge, and then you feel crappy for it...so you get more depressed..So you gain more, move less, get bigger, stop going out with friends, and get more self consience about what people must think of you, cause hell, you used to look at people who were as big as you are now, and think "how could they let themselves get that big". So you stay home and eat some more, gain some more weight, it gets just a bit harder to move, yadda, yadda, yadda. It's a horrible cycle. Food is my addiction, and i will have to fight it for the rest of my life, I am ready!
May 6,2005
To be able to fit into Victoria's Secret
To fit into any Jr. Size clothes
Have Jim give me a piggy back ride
Ride a roller coaster again
Want to go to the beach
wear my kids, out before they wear me out.
to sleep with OUT "The Mask"
Go to the mall, and walk into any clothing store and KNOW that they will have my size.
To Look in the mirror, and for a split second not recognize myself.
To not be in pain any more.
To fit into the clothes that fit me last year & have them fall down on me.
Have the energy to do the things that I want to do.
To be able to paint my toe nails without suffocating.
To Jog or even walk with no pain in my shins.
To NEVER have to walk into a Plus Size Store, Ever again!
To fit into a pair of Abercrombie Jeans
May 9,2005
Yesterday I played catch with Jonah for about 15 minutes. I was having fun & I know he was having fun! I so rarely play with my kids. But any way he was chasing the ball, I was not really doing much running around, And I got so winded, My back hurt so bad and the back of my knees felt like they were going to callapes. It's sad becuase I was having fun, but just could not hang on any longer.
But on a more "positive" note Dr. Moore Called me today!! She went ahead and sent my Phsyc. clearence SOOooooo...My paperwork will be Submitted to insurance!!!!! YeaH! So Hopefully next BIG news will be Approval!! I know y'all can't wait! Woo Hooo!(Happy?)
I have my results appointment in 2 weeks (may 25th). So Hopefully my surgery will follow very soon after that. It looks like this is gonna happen soon.
May 13,2005
This waiting thing really kinda sucks! I'm wishing I had done this 18 months ago when I first started really thinking about it. But I know that I just wasn't ready...I guess I'm wishing I had been ready 18 months ago. But this will happen soon enough...I hope. I am just scared that BCBS will deny me. It's just been a few days since my paper work was submitted...Please give me my approval soon...
This made me cry:
Jaime Rink's Message:
I just want to say a few words about Maria Williams. She has been my best friend for years, She has become my sister, my lifeline, my everything! She deserves this chance more than anyone because she has to see herself as beautiful as I have always seen her! She is loving, compassionate, a true friend, forgiving and accepting but most of all, a truly beautiful person! Whether she is 300lbs or 100 lbs, she will always be the Maria that I love with my whole heart. I want her and everyone that reads this to know that not only do I support her but I am feeling every emotion she is, I feel her pain when people look down on her for this and I feel her elation everytime she gets another approval and the procedure gets closer. I truly understand why this is so important to her and now it is equally important to me. Maria, you are truly a friend till the end, and I will always be here for you. I love you more than a sister, and I am so excited for you. When this is all over, I will move to florida, georgia....wherever you go, just so we can ditch our husbands (just for a day...or two...), hop in the convertible, go to the Jr misses department, buy our hoochie clothes and cruise around....just to get looks, of jealously from other girls and doubletakes from guys that cant have us!!! I am with you all the way girl!! I lOVE you! Love , Jaime!!!
May 16,2005
I've been trying to remember whats the smallest size I remember being in, When I was 12 years old I was sent to live with my father in January. I was a size 16/18. five months later on mothers day He ran me back to my moms house(I was a bit more than he wanted to handle) I had went through a growth spurt while living with him, and I came home a size 11/12. That was 20 years ago, I was a size 11/12 for a very brief period, by the begining of the next school year I was back in 16/18's. I pretty much remained in that size until 1992-1993. Then came size 20 for about 2 years and then 22/24 which is where I'm at today. Well honestly today I'm a size 26, I can't hardly breath in my 24's...But I refuse to buy that size! So any way an 11/12 Jrs would be a wonderful size to get into again!
This is me that "thin Summer" 1985
It's amasing to look back at the few photos of myself...even then I hid from the camara. But this picture (below)is me at a size 16 & I was 16 years old. I remember this outfit I loved that it fit me & it was a size 14. I would kill for that size right now! I was so pretty...I wish I knew that then.
May 19, 2005I Have been approved!!
This is absolutely AMAZING!! I am so happy!
I got my approval less than 24 hours after it was submitted to the right insurance company...Amazing!
Ok...so this is how it happened last week Thursday May 12, 2005 My stuff was submited to insurance. I called every day and they kept saying that they had not recieved it yet. Yesterday I called Molly again and she told me she had sent it to BCBS Federal and not BCBS of NC, After I threatened to hurt her, I gave her the fax number to BCBS of NC. She faxed it yesterday May 18, 2005 around 1pm. I got a call this morning, That I have been approved(less than 24 hours!!) and she asked when I want the surgery...I said tomorrow!! She said what about May 31st. I think I said...nuhh uhhh...and then after someone picked me up off the floor I said Ohh My God...YES!!!
May 21,2005
10 days till my surgery, I'm at peace. I am not scared or nervous...not even anxious I know it's going to happen and that's all I need to know. I haven't been this calm in a really long while.
May 22,2005
Well 9 more days!!!! Wooo Hooo!!! I am just really excited, still not nervouse, I have a few things that need to get done so hopefully the next 8 days will pass quickly. I have an appointment with Dr. Enochs on Wednesday, and my Pre-op stuff on Thursday.
May 23, 2005
Ok...before I used to say my goal weight was 199...Just to be below 200 pounds. I have changed my mind. I realize that with this tool and if I work really hard, and stay focused I can set a realistic goal of: 155 Pounds.
So that's it. My goal weight is 155 pounds, which means I have to loose more than half of me; 165 pounds! I know it's possible and I know I can do it!
May 26, 2005
I just got back from my pre-op stuff...just waiting out the next 5 days. I went to GNC and bought my supplements. I've had a devastatig situation happen in my family this week. So I'm dealing with a lot right now...and yes I still want to have this surgery. May 27, 2005
I have most of my hospital stuff packed not much, just:
A robe
Slippers
lotion
vaseline (for my lips)
Digital Camera
New Undies
Toothbrush
I go into surgery Tuesday Morning at 7:30. I am eating a lot of protien Plus I'm drinking my protien drinks and taken all my vitamins. I stoped drinking coke and I am staying away from greasy, fatty, and sweet foods.
May 31, 2005
Well it's 12:24 am I am having surgery today at 7:30 am and of course cannot sleep. I am So very hungry, had to do a liquid diet today so I drank water mostly. I got my self to sleep at around 9pm...But Jim was watching tv in the bedroom and that woke me up, and I can't get back to sleep. any ways I am feeling pretty excited, not nervous. just waiting to be on the other side. 
Had Surgery May 31, 2005
June 3, 2005
I am back from the hospital...Feeling good. I am hungry but am only allowed liquids for the next 2 days. Sunday I can start a soft food diet. I haven't lost any thing yet...I'm kinda bloated. hopefully Tuesday I will see some weight loss. I have to see Dr. Enochs on Wednseday for my 1 week follow up. I am eating ice chips that seems to calm down my need to eat. Guess I'm lucky I can handle ice.
Ok...so I am, what 4 days out of surgery? I'm still not sick. "BUT" Nothing prepares you for these days. I thought ok I am ready for this, it's not gonna phase me, I will survive! And now here I am. Totally second guessing myself, Why did I do this...I really want a piece of cake, hell aything with substance sounds really yummy right now. I know why I did this, and I know that in a few weeks I'll be ok...Right now is just harder than I even imagined it would be. It's NOT a physical hunger. It's a mental kind of hunger and it feels like I am starving...but it's all in my head. I just have to wait it out...eventually I'll learn to turn it off, I hope it happens soon! I still do not regret this decision...I know that this is just a phase that I must go through. I know, I know, I know. (now believe it!)
June 5,2005
Ok, day 5 really sucks…I just want to cry…I really miss food…eating I am so hungry and honestly depressed. I knew this was going to be hard. But this is a lot more than I thought it would be. God please let this get easier…because I am really over my head right now. If this was just a regular diet…I would have had that slice of cake by now. But right now I don't want cake…I want meat, a sandwich, cheese…something, anything, not LIQUID! I am not craving or missing Coke, not even candy, sweets, I miss Food, meat, cheese, bread, pasta, even salad. I would kill for some salad right now. This is soooo hard. And yes I am depressed, maybe regretting this. I'm gonna go cry myself to sleep.
June 6,2005
I can't believe how horrible I felt yesterday...Glad to say I am a totally different person today. I realize that yesterday was something I needed to do...kinda like mourning the loss of "me" Today I woke up and felt completely better. Actually better than I have felt in a while. I'm 6 days post Surgery and have lost 9 pounds. My face is not bloated & fat like it has been for months now, and I actually found something I like eating that keeps me satisfied and gives me some protien and pottassium (Sugar free Pudding with Cool whip & no sugar soy milk) so I'm getting 30 grams of Protien in and I think it's helping. So just wanted to let y'all know Yesterday was just yesterday...I do NOT regret doing this AT ALL!
June 11, 2005
11 days Post-Op. 20.5 pounds gone, and I am feeling so good.
The scale read 300.5 this morning...tomorrow I will be below 300 pounds!! I will admit the not eating, what every one else is eating is really, really hard, But then I feel better, look better, clothes fit a whole lot better, and it totally makes up for the food. I'm waiting for my protien supplement to get here so I can get my butt to the gym. Hopefully Monday.
June 14, 2005
I finally got my butt back to the GYM! It whooped my butt too, I did a 5 minute warm-up, 22 minutes on the eplitical, & 5 minute cool down. When I finished I could barely walk down the steps. Now I'm just thirsty...but good thing is I'm not hungry something about exercise makes me feel full. Maybe all the water I'm drinking. I'm just happy that I got myself there. June 18, 2005
18 Days since my surgery, I have lost 28 pounds!!!! Gone forever!! I will never again weigh 300 and something pounds! I see differences already:
That piece of meat that hangs over the side of my bra....GONE!
The only pair of Jeans that barely fit me before Sugery...Fit & I can put them on, & take them off with out unbuttoning 'em!
Did you know that there are bones on feet...Cause I can see mine!
Double chin...What, double chin???
And that's just in 18 days! 2 weeks and 4 days!!! Who needs junk food? This feels SO much better! THANK YOU every one who has supported me, and wished me nothing but happiness with this process, Because I am so happy I did this! June 22, 2005
Official 3 week weigh in:
287 lbs. I have lost 35 pounds!!! Woo Hoo!!!!
Plus I can start eating soft foods like chicken salad, and beans, and veggies...I don't know where to start...but I'll start at the super market! I really do feel good, & have I mentioned I am so glad I did this.June 25, 2005
What a difference this surgery has made for me. I no longer think about food all the time, Heck I forget about food all the time, I forget that I have not ate...it's a process to eat 3 onces of meat a DAY. and that's about all I get in, if that. I don't miss eating, my life does not revolve around food any more, Eating isn't fun, comforting or enjoyable anymore...I eat because I know I have to, and that's it. I do not feel like I am missing out on anything. maybe this feeling is just temporary...I hope not. There are so many better things to do and think about than just food. 5 Weeks Post up -45lbs.
July 9, 2005
It's been a little over 5 weeks I've lost 45 pounds and am feeling really good. I can fit into a lot of my clothes that just didn't fit 6 weeks ago and the stuff that did fit...is really loose. I see a big difference in my face and feet. Food is sometimes hard to eat, I really am not in the mood to eat, and if I think I am in the mood for something, I get what I want, take a few bites and I'm done with it. I cannot eat something today that I had yesterday. so I'm needing a lot of variety. I took my kids to McDonald's yesterday. I thought it was going to be hard for me to sit there and watch them eat burgers, nuggets, and fries. It did NOT even phase me. I didn't want any! I know I'm not getting anywhere near enough protien, If I do eat I can guarantee it has protein in it! I eat really small portions and eat really slow, I have yet to thrown anything up... and I have NOT had any complications. I'm so glad I did this, It's hard to believe that soon I will not have to wear plus size clothes. I feel so good! I will update next month...Enjoy your summer, till then "peeps".
July 22, 2005I'm less than 8 weeks post-op and have lost 53 lbs. (AMAZING) I tried on the jeans that had't fit me in 2 to 3 years and they all fit...LOOSE! I don't get winded walking up the stairs, as a matter of fact I sprint up the steps get to the top and am not even breathing hard. My energy is still not great, but I feel it getting better. I am going to the gym 3 to 5 times a week, doing Cardio and weight training...i know that's helping the weight come off. I'm trying to get in at least 600-800 calories a day, It's not easy. But I know I need to eat at least that much so that my body doesn't go into starvation mode and start hoarding fat. So I try to eat every 2 to 3 hours. Protein, Protein, Protein!! Next wednesday is my official weigh in...Goal is 265!
**I just cleaned my whole house 3 bathrooms, 3 bedrooms, Laundry 5 loads folded and put away, swept the floor and vacumed, even dusted! I did not once break a sweat, I am not tired, and the best part:
I DON'T STINK!!!
At all...not even a little itty bitty bit. Thank God that "fat girl" smell is history. It's the little things.
August 10, 2005
10 weeks post Op- Loss of 62 pounds.
Weight: 260
I'm wearing a size 20.
It's hard to believe how much is changing. I feel like a totally diffrent person. I have found a few things that I love first is a Protein shake by Champion Nutrition called *Ultramet* It's soooo good...and trust me I do NOT like shakes they made me gag before surgery and after surgery..this one is actually good...I feel like I'm drinking a milk shake. It has 42 grams of Protein I drink it in the morning and don't have to stress about getting in enough protien all day long. The other thing I have found to be super helpful is *FITDAY.com* Great website I actually purchased the offline version and it's really worth more than 19.99 it's a great tool...check it out, it's free. so many great features. well I will be posting a new Picture when I'm down 75 pounds. which should be in about 2-3 weeks. I'm going to the gym pretty steady and although I can handle sugar and fatty foods I stay away from them...simply becuase i just don't want them. I feel really good about my progress and have absolutely no regrets!
August 14, 2005
Just a quick note: PMS is so intense after this surgery for me. I am just so irritated and emotional, Crazy. it sucks. and I get so tired. I hope it's just temporary.
8/17/2005
I kept passing the mirrors in my house and just looking at myself...I felt I looked odd, different. this went on for like 3 days. I kept telling Jim I look weird. so I took a Picture....Do I look like me?? Is that me? My face? Wow! 
August 23, 2005
12 weeks Post-Op I've lost 72 pounds, And I see the loss! I'm half way to my goal and I am feeling great. things have changed I walk with confidence now, I really feel good...I don't miss my old way of living at all.
September 1, 2005
I cannot believe that it's been 3 Months and I have lost 75 pounds. it's amazing! Just 25 more pounds and I'll hit the "Century Club" I hear that's a nice place to be a member of. Any way I need to take another compare picture, I'll get that in here in a few days.
I have this Picture for now, I just took this picture tonight the pants are a size 18 REGULAR and the top is an XL.
Gettin' there!
Later on the same night....
awwww...what the heck.
Little bit of a difference....huh?
I am different. I feel Different.
This past weekend we went to the park, It's just a city park that has a merry-go-round, Paddle boats, a train that rides through the park, and of course regular park stuff. This trip to Pullan Park was different than any other time, because I rode the train sitting next to my husband, Before I couldn't fit in the seat with another adult. I actually rode the merry-go-round, I never would have before. And, I had a competiton with my kids to see who could swing highest on the swing...I WON! These are things I haven't done in forever. I walked through the park on a sunny day it was about 90 Degrees, and did NOT even break a sweat. My feet and legs never once hurt. How can I not be different? I feel pretty...Sexy even. I now feel that my husband should be proud to have me by his side (He is!) I fit in, I smile more, I look people in the eyes, & I don't walk with my head hanging low.
I'm only half way to goal, & I already feel completely different. What will I be when I am at goal? 70 pounds left to go. I've lost 80 pounds, A few friends, & a bunch of negativity! To anyone out there who is thinking of having this surgery, I am so convinced that this has changed my life in so many positive ways...Yes it comes with risk, and yes there will be hard days, and some people will pass negative judgements on you. BUT there are so many pro's to this surgery that the other stuff won't matter at all. You will find out who your true friends are, you will begin to love yourself, and let others love you. You will see the world differently. You will live.
September 21, 2005
Weigh in: 237 lbs.
Total weight Lost: 85 pounds
Size 18 Regular
38 more pounds and I will be in the 100's...that's just unimaginable for me. I'm scared to death that I'm going to stop loosing and stay at 201 forever! (crazy) But I know that I'm going to be below 200 pounds before christmas. I haven't weighed less than 200 pounds in OMG I don't even know how long, Maybe 8th grade...I remember going on a ski trip and lying at the ski rental place saying I weighed 185. My breast are still HUGE...I knew they weren't going to shrink, and now they look bigger because I'm smaller around the waist. I know I will be having plastics in a year! Woo Hoo!!!! More morphine!!(gotta look at the bright side of things!)
So 2 nights ago I was having mood issues and went for a walk...but I couldn't walk fast enough to blow off the steam so I started to jog! I couldn't believe that I was jogging and not dying!
I am paying the price now though my upper legs are sore...Guess I don't use those muscles much, But I will start to, I plan on jogging a lot more, so come on somebody, anybody, make me mad!! = )
I have a pair of Jeans that I bought 2 years ago on clearence they are a size "17 juniors" and before surgery they would not go much further than past my knees. I can get them up to my waist and "if"(as if I would) I got a hanger and layed down I would be able to zip em' up! So I think when I lose the "100" they should fit me! I'll wear them to my day at the spa!
September 25,2005
Weight: 234
I can't believe how close I am to losing 100 pounds! 12 pounds to go...Wow! It amazes me that I am steady losing 3 to 6 pounds a week. I admit I have been slacking in the "exercise" department...But I swear I have a good excuse! I'm headed to Philly this week and when I come back I will start my swimming. I've noticed a lot of sagging skin...need to tone that up as much as possible! I am starting to lose my hair, it's not falling out that badly, I think it'll stop real soon, but I had to cut my hair because it was driving me crazy. Later...
October 8, 2005
Current weight: 231 pounds
9 Pounds & I will be in the century Club!
I went to Philly last weekend, and I had a BLAST! Everyone told me how great I looked and that definately felt good...I've realized that I did not accept compliments before, and now I'm like Thank You! No arguments. I went to a club/bar and did not feel like the fattest ass there ( I wasn't!!!) I actually danced (if you can call what I do dancing) and I think I got hit on. I looked good and felt good!
Pic From Philly
I also had a check up with my surgeon it was suppose to be a six month check up but they got the days wrong and it's only been 4 months, but it's a good thing I had my labs done and Dr. Enochs is concerned becuase my blood is already changing. It's thinning and not clotting like it's suppose to. It's my fault I have not been taking my vitamins. So he laid it down for me:
The reason that I drag some days is becuase I am not getting in enough protien, and I am not taking my vitamins(I forget) and that's really dangerous, he said that if I continue to slack on taking in my protien I will get that gunt look to me (sunken eyes, and face) & instead of loosing fat I will loose more muscle. Less musle means less energy & it will slow down my metabalism. Also if I don't start taking my vitamins, my blood will get thinner and if I get a bruise it will NOT heal, if I get cut, my blood will not clot so I will bleed and they will not be able to stop the bleeding. The good news it's totally controlable...all I have to do is take my vitamins (I am now!) and get in at least 50 grams of protien daily (working really hard at it) he told me it will take 6 weeks for my body to catch up. So in 6 weeks I should stop loosing the hair, and stop feeling so blahhh. he wants to see me again in December & have my labs redone. I will be straight by then. I did not have this surgery to get sick becuase I'm not doing what I'm suppose to do. I love my Doctor he is just the best!
When I loose the "100" I will post a new Picture too!
229 Pounds 7 away from losing 100! It's going really slow I've been at 231 for about 2 weeks now. doesn't bother me though, I know that my body needs time to catch up. I've been taking ALL my vitamins for over a week now, I do feel it has helped me not be so "Sluggish" and I am eating a lot of shrimp 8 oz a day(46 grams of protien/6grams of Fat/250 calories/ 0 Carbs). and then getting in some cheese and other little things...it's really hard to get 50 grams of Protien in...but it's harder seeing my hair on the ground so I will force myself to eat...I hate it though. Eating SUCKS! but getting a size 16 Regular pants over what used to be my big fat ass feels SO much better than eating used to...I'll take the trade!
October 16, 2005
It's amazing how much more family stuff I want to do now that I have dropped some weight...energy to walk and play.
Does anyone else see collarbone? 
Ok...I am at a stand still haven't lost anything in well over 3 weeks. Maybe my body is adjusting to getting protien. I say if I was to stay this size I would be content...but honestly that is NOT true...I want to be at least a size 11/12, those are my demands! So any way Hopefully I will start losing something soon. well something other than hair and brain matter. Has anyone experienced a lack of intellect after this surgery? I swear I'm turning into a "bimbo"! 
October 22, 2005
Ok I am going to be real honest here...I am MESSING UP!. I am eating sweets! cookies, ice cream, stuff I know I should not be eating every day & to top it off I am NOT exercising. What the hell am I thinking?? I haven't lost but 1 pound this week and it's my fault. I had this surgery to improve my health & my life. Not to continue with my bad habbits. I am calling myself out because I know that I need to really look at what I am doing and realize that I am sabotaging myself. Don't get me wrong I am not eating junk all day long but I am eating something sweet on a daily basis and that needs to stop. Because I know that it will esculate to more and more and then I will not have any control. No more sugar for me! And I WILL start my exercise routing this Monday. No excuses any more. Yes I feel good & yes I look good, BUT I don't feel as good as I should and I don't look as good as I could. I'm done with Junk! I will not be one of these people that says the surgery is NOT working for me...when I know that I am not working with my surgery. Getting my control back as of today!
October 26, 2005
Ok I am doing better with my eating...I have put away the sweets and junk. I don't know what came over me I will say in my defense I had my period last week so maybe that helped me lose some control...but I need to be aware next month so that I don't lose control again. I'm down to 225 as of this morning so 3 more pounds and I will have lost 100 pounds!
EXERCISE...well I'm working on getting the motivation to get there...I want to do laps, I love to swim. Getting there is the hardest part. I'm thinking tomorrow for sure. I know that once I do it just one time I will continue to go. It's just so easy to talk myself out of it because the weight is still coming off. But I know I have to do it! I will!
We went to the State Fair this Past weekend and I had a blast! I rode a kiddie roller coaster with my kids. and not once did I have to sit down to rest...I walked for over 5 hours and never really sat down except to ride 2 rides...the rest of the time I was on my feet! It felt great!
November 3, 2005
I'm down 99 pounds so far. Just took these today...
So here it is Novemebr I'm 5 months out I have lost 99 pounds! Life is changing every day. My size 18's are falling down on me...That feels great! So even though I haven't lost as much weight this month as previous months my body is still shrinking. I have really started to control what goes in my mouth...I'm not perfect but I do good a lot more often than I do badly. I still have not went to the gym. But I'm confident that I am on my way soon. I feel so good...and I know I look good...and I have never in my life "known" that I look good. I have about 50 pounds left to reach my goal...and I know that I will definately get there. confidence...it's a great feeling!
November 4, 2005
Well I finally hit the "Century Club! I've lost 100 pounds...Woo HOO!I have about 50 pounds left till I reach my goal So I have set up some little goals.
November 30th Goal: Weigh less than Jim (212)
December 30th goal: ONEderland!
January 30th Goal: Be the weight I use to lie and say I was...182lbs.
Febuary 30th Goal: Goal! 169 Pounds!
So in 4 moths I should reach my goal and surpass my surgeons goal for me. I can do this easily, I just need to follow the rules and exercise. It's really so exciting to know that I'm with in reach of being Normal!
STATS
When I reach 215 lbs. I will be considered Overweight, so I have 6 more pounds to go and will never again be OBESE.
When i reach 179 lbs I will be considered "normal" I've never been Normal! EVER! So about 43 lbs to Normal weight...wow! and 169 is my goal weight. (might change to 153lbs.) I kinda would like to be in the Middle of Normal weight for my height. But 153 seems like such a small tiny number to me. It's amazing that it's even an option.
November 14,2005
Weight: 213 lbs. Wow! I've lost 109 pounds I am officially no longer OBESE!!! I am just overweight. I have 34 pounds and I will be "normal" and just 44 pounds to my goal. I just want to cry...Only 44 pounds. that's nothing. I will reach goal! I need to start firming up cause that will make a huge difference in my body too. Ok...so I'm crying right now because it just hit me how amazing those numbers look. I have to start working on being comfortable in my new skin now. I realized this weekend that I am still not real used to the thinner me. I'm not FAT any more, I'm NOT fat any more, I'm NOT FAT any more.
November 16, 2005Weight: 211 lbs.
I have no idea why I'm still losing weight so fast...I weigh less than Jim, & fit into his jeans! I'm eating like crazy this week too.
November 17, 2005
I bought and fit into a size 14 Tommy Jeans!! I can't believe that I actually got my butt into a size 14. It's so hard to see "me" in the mirror as I am now. I don't see myself as I look now unless I take a picture. In the mirror I still see the fat. I know I'm not, but I still see FAT. I guess half the battle is knowing that I'm not though.
My size ~14~ Jeans!
November 26,2005
Ok...so the other day I posted that I fit into a size 14 TH jeans. But I didn't really believe that they were actually a true size 14 I thought they ran big. So Wednesday I went shopping again(that's another issue, I'm such a shop whore now) and found a pair of guess jeans and a pair of Ralph Lauren jeans in a size 14 they look so small to me...but I was like ok let me try them on. they both fit...perfectly. So I think clothes sizes are getting bigger, because there is absolutely no way I'm in a size 14 for real..is there? I have about 40 pounds left to lose to get to goal. that'll put me at 165 lbs. I'm still losing pretty fast and I'm guessing I'll hit goal in about 2-3 months. I know I need to stop at 165...so when I get to goal and feel like I should lose another ten or 20 stop me! 160 should be the lowest I go. but maybe 150 might be better...it just seems like such a small number. Maybe I need to not do the weight goal but a size goal? like when I get to a size 8 any smaller than that will be too small for my 5' 11" frame.
December 15, 2005
Well it's been a while since I last updated. I'm below 200 pounds!!! I never thought that would happen. I'm at "198 pounds" I've lost 124 pounds! Life is Amazing very different then it was at this time last year. I just want to make this quick post to wish everyone a
**MERRY CHRISTMAS!**
Christmas 2005
Hi, and Merry Christmas also, I am Maria's husband, Jim, and I want to say that I am so fortunate to have Maria as a wife, a friend, playmate and most of all a beautiful woman who has been through alot and has always been gorgeous in my eyes. I can see a whole new person in her as she has lost weight and evolved. I have been blessed with her and our children and at this time of year I know I have been given the best present ever, in all the things that Maria has shown me and all the things we have yet to see. Love Ya ! January 6, 2006 I have had a real easy time with this whole process. I have lost an amazing 125 pounds in less than 8 months with no real effort on my part. Well that's fixing to change. I can eat sugar with out dumping at all...so yes recently, I have been eating a lot of sugar. I have yet to exercise at all, and now my appetite is coming on full force. I'm heading for trouble and I know it. I have 35 pounds left to get to goal...and damn it I WILL get there. It just means that I am going to have to really work hard now. I abused this procedure because it was so easy for me...and now I am scared that my laziness is going to bite me in the @$$. So I have 35 pounds left to get to goal, serves me right to have to fight for them. I guess my point is that even though this has been so easy for me...it goes to show that it doesn't mean it will stay that way, and it's not going to do ALL the work for me...and most of all your body does adjust so there is that possibility to go back to where I came from. (I'll be damned) So what now? I will do what I should have been doing all along:
Start with the GYM No excuses...I have to go.
NO SUGAR! Low Carbs!
I need to get a grip, or I will fail after all. Nope definately not the magic pill.
January 18, 2006
I have started a new workout prgram at the gym. 30 minutes of cardio Mon-Fri and stregnth training 3X a week. I'm taking kickboxing which is killer fun! I enjoy the gym it is relaxing and does put your mind at ease. So I'm back on track & happy about it! I just had to have a minor surgery to remove the scar tissue from my tummy area...I was having a lot of pulling pain and also have an ulcer. So I'm out for like a week but I'll kick it back in gear next week. I am now wearing a size large in pants & tops which is still hard for me to comprehand...I still grab the XL and think too small...but then go try it on and its way too BIG. I have a pair of size 10 jeans which are the smallest I can get on...but I think they run big I'm a size 12-14 right now. I am working on getting toned up and just losing the last 30 pounds or so. I feel amazing...everyone is shocked when they see me. I'm shocked when I see me...it feels good to be normal...finally!
Me at 197 pounds...30 left to GOAL!
this is me at 320lbs./-45pounds/-75lbs./-125lbs.<
What's the best way to keep this weight off?
I don't want to worry about my weight staying off for the rest of my life...I don't want to live my life in fear that one day I will be 300 and something pounds again. I don't want weight to consume who I am ever again! So to make my life easier, I vow to always have a fitness program. exercise & stregnth train at least 4X a week. & always be aware of what and how much of something I am putting in my mouth, I will never say I can never have that(except for soda)...I may eat anything in moderation. I have 30 pounds to go...and i am so excited because I'm so close to being there and I can't wait to see the finished product! I will not only be thin & healthy...I will be toned & fit! This is really exciting!!!!
Febuary 3,2006
I weigh 188 as of today! I have less than 9 pounds left to be "normal" I have never ever been "NOT OVERWEIGHT" I have always been overweight even as a baby. I am just amazed! My life is changing every single day this is absolutely the best thing I could have ever done for me.
1. I love the looks I get from those that knew me fat and see me now.
2. I love to shop & try on all different types of clothes
3. I love to walk into a room and not feel like running for the hills
4. I love that I do NOT SWEAT any more!
5. I love the sense of freedom that I have gained...free to be me!
6. I love that I have self worth now. I am who I am!
7. Ok Ok...I love getting hit on by the cutest guy at the bar! That was killer!
8. I like myself...I really do.
9. I'm worth loving, I deserve it.
10. I feel great, alive, whole, complete.
I'm not even finished yet...I still have about 23 pounds to goal, but how amazing is that??? 23 little tiny pounds!
March 6, 2006
Well I'm still at 185 pounds, but I have been really slack this past month...I still have 20 pounds to lose before I hit my goal, and I know that I have to work at it. I am still adjusting to the new me, getting to the gym is proving to be a challenge but if I want to lose the 20 & tone up I really don't have much of a choice. I am a size 10 or 12 depending on the type of clothes. It's really fun to shop and I spend a lot of time trying on clothes & I love it! This surgery has helped me drop a lot of weight...but I realize that the bad habits and laziness is something that I have to work on every day, I can be thin but if I don't make myself more active, then what's the point? I feel better when I'm active and out & about, but old habits die hard so I'm working on my bad old habits. I plan on losing 10 pounds by the end of March, because I am going to get my stuff together!
This is my size 10 dress! 
March 20, 2006
I haven't dropped any weight lately, but my body is doing an adjusting thing, For the first time in a REALLY long time I can wear jr. size clothing size 13 if you really wanna know. I think I only want to shed 10 more pounds and get to 170, I do have lose skin that I WILL get plastics for and that will be at least another 7-10 pounds I'm sure...plus I don't think it's really up to me at this point to stop losing my body seems to be doing its own thing...it's coming of real slow right now...and I'm ok with that. I look really good in clothes, but put me in a swim suit and OMG it's scary!
Here I am in my size 13 jr. jeans
I woke up this morning thinking about my new life, and how different things just seem now. There are things about myself that have changed in so many ways, I’ve noticed my self become more aware of everything, especially how people treat and talk to me. I don’t tolerate being spoken down to or being put down by any one, any more for any reason.
I was joking with my friends and telling them that I dippier than I’ve ever been in my life…When I was fat, I worked really hard at trying to be perfect at everything else…so if I made a stupid mistake I would get really upset with myself…because the state of mind was great, Now People are going to think or say, I’m not just fat, I’m fat & stupid. If my house wasn’t perfectly clean and I had a visitor I would get embarrassed, now I can say hey I was too tired or I was just lazy this week. No fear of being fat & lazy. There isn’t this “fat” cloud hanging on top of my shoulders pulling me down every second of the day. If I break a sweat…which I don’t think I have lately, there isn’t this fear of having people look at me and go wow look at that pig sweat. If I sit down and eat something in public I no longer wonder if people are looking at me and judging what I’m putting into my mouth. If I’m hungry I have no problem telling anyone hey I’m starving I’m gonna eat! And if they don’t want to eat with me…I have no problem eating in public by my self.
I still feel weird walking into a Jrs. Store or dept. but it freaks me out that their largest size is too big for me. I have to learn to shop for myself again, I’m still confused when I walk into a store…I’m 33, am I suppose to wear this stuff, does it really look good on me? I still second guess myself a lot. But it’s a work in progress,
I have a lifetime of putting myself down to get over!
The skin…that’s an issue but I know it’s a temporary issue. I have a lot of lose skin in my belly when I lay on my side it just plops to the floor, my butt is dragging with skin, and my inner thighs & upper legs are just lose hanging skin, my arms need help too. So this summer I will still not wear a swimsuit proudly but I will wear one that is a whole lot smaller! Yes the skin issue isn’t great…but it’s a whole lot better than the “fat” issue…I hear people say that they don’t want to have this surgery because they don’t want the skin issue…hell I’ll take the skin issue any day over staying fat, miserable, & unhealthy! Hands down no questions asked! You can hide the skin under your clothes the fat you can’t hide it…it’s always there, popping out, the rolls and rolls always showing through your clothes! The skin is more my personal issue than anything...It's not noticable until I point it out in most cases.
this is me, free to be me & having fun!
Life is good!!!!
May 3, 2006
Wow I can't believe I didn't post anything for April, it just flew on by. I'm coming up on my 1 year anniversery...it's been an amazing year that's for sure! I'm at a "NORMAL" BMI I weigh 176 pounds...I can wear size 10 misses and 11 in jrs very comfortably. I was on a stall for about 3 months and last week I just started dropping weight again I just have 6 pounds and then I have to maintain. I'm going backpacking at the end of this month...my life is just changed so much. I will post some new pictures soon. maybe on my new birthday! May 31
August 2,2006
Well it's been a long time since I've updated, I must say that this is by far the best Summer and the busiest I've ever had! This surgery has changed me in so many wonderful ways It's hard for me to even verbalize it all. I'm at 169 pounds a size 9/10 in clothes. I still have not had my plastics but I'm on my way in about 3 months. I get constantly hit on by guys, and lots of dirty looks from girls. I have gotten shocked reactions from people who haven't seen me in a year & I have been told to stop losing weight by just about everyone. Everyone near me is so proud of me and so happy for me...and my best friend has decided to have the surgery also! I'm never embaresed to go any where or do any thing...getting dressed to go out is so simple now. Life is really good right now there is NOTHING that I can't do! Here are some recent pictures of me...have I mentioned that I love my life...and for the first time ever I completely love myself!
August 24, 2006
Am I really this small???
What scares me more than anything now is gaining back the horrible weight...because going back to where I was, after feeling and looking as good as I do right now...would trulel really suck. There is no way that I would ever be able to live in that life ever again. I weigh myself every single day, twice a day...Some say I shouldn't do that...and some people probably shouldn't, but it works for me, it keeps me accountable for my food choices. I still enjoy the heck out of foodMore now than I did before. I actually savor and taste my food. where as before I would stuff my face until I couldn't taste anything any more. So glad that's over!
October 6, 2006
Well here it is October, I'm about 16 months post-op
Weight 164 pounds
I'm below my personal goal and way below my surgeons goal weight. I can fit into a size 9 to 11 depending on the style and maker. I have an appointment next Thursday with the Plastic surgeon..I have this little tiny bikini that waiting for me next summer and I will be sporting it...here are just a few recent pictures of myself.
October 24, 2007
Wow, okay so it's been over a year since I've updated my page...My weight is stable at 160 pounds, I haven't had plastics done yet to remove the extra skin...and I would love to complete this process, but I can live with out it. I'm normal now, I eat anything I want, yes I drink coca cola once in a while, I enjoy all types of food...I just don't abuse it any more. I weigh my self every single day...and the fear of ever gaining that weight again is always there...but I have control over myself now and i am confident that I will never be Obese again. My marriage...has had a few weak points, he has had a hard time with my transformation & became very insecure. I know part of him wishes I was the old me again, but I will never be that person again. I still am shocked at the way I look, and that I can fit my butt into single digit clothes...I even own a few size small tops...that amazes me. Being a size Medium...is shocking. I love myself, I know my worth...and I am good enough. My kids saw a picture of me pre-surgery...and they asked me who that was...that was the best. I go on feild trip & to school functions and know that I'm not an embaressment to my children and they will not get teased for having a fat mommy.
So here are a few recent pictures...I'm a size 8-9 in jeans if I ever get my plastics I'm pretty sure a size 6 is in my future!
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