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This past year has seen a lot of changes in my life.  I lost Bill to cancer on October 5, 2013.  We were married 44 years, two months and nine days.  Although it has been over 7 years, I still grieve for him.

I gained some weight during the isolation of Covid-19.  I went from my comfortable, stable weight of 115 back up to 230.  I have been trying to lose the extra 15 pounds for the last several months.  I have lost 10 lbs of it by cutting out chocolate (my go-to stress addiction) but these last 5 pounds are hanging on.

I am almost 14 years past RNY bariatric surgery.  At 69 (almost 70 in May), I have maintained my weight loss.  I moved from my beautiful home in Nevada back to Ohio.  I tried living with my son's family and even spent $170,000 of my funds to buy a wonderful 4 bedroom home for all of us to live together.  Eighteen months later and after being hospitalized for depression, I moved back out.  Now his family live in that house and I live in a much smaller one that I bought for his family in 2006.  It is what it is.

My problem and I know part of it is my depression, is that I have no appetite.  I am supposed to be trying to stay low-carb and focusing on healthy food.  But when I even think of trying to cook anything, just the thought of eating it makes me feel sick.  Breakfast this morning was supposed to be eggs with sausage and zero-carb toast.  I looked at the eggs and sausage and just could not bring myself to make it.  I had black coffee and zero-carb toast with cream cheese and fruit spread instead.  Last night I had thawed a hamburger patty and was going to have it with a plate of fresh cut vegetables.  Again, just thinking of the taste of the hamburger, the smell of it cooking, made me feel very tired and sick.  I ended up with the cream cheese on toast and fruit spread that I had again this morning.

I have a freezer full of pork chops, hamburger, chicken, brats, even freezer meals of Italian stew that someone gave me and ZERO appetite for any of it.  

 

I am taking generic Cymbalta for depression along with several other anxiety, pain, and vitamins every day.  My doctor knows what I am taking and follows my health issues faithfully.  He suggested that I might want to reverse my bypass.  I will not consider that.  The little child inside of me still wants what it wants.  It is only my body's negative reaction to sugar and fat that allows me to stay relatively stable.  My "pouch" is still quite small according to my latest endoscopy.  I can eat about 1 to 1-1/2 cups of anything before my stomach rebels and I end up in the bathroom.  

I am not posting this for advice or suggestions.  I just knew that this group will understand more than anyone else.  You that have had RNY know the pros and cons of the surgery.  I am not in danger of anorexia, bulemia, or any other food-related illness.  My diabetes was cured by my surgery and my blood sugar is always in normal range for my age.  I just needed someone to talk to and this group was it.  Thank you for listening.

I weigh 117 lbs with clothing. I wear either a size 4 or 6 depending on style.  I am getting treatments (steroid injections) for arthritis in my back but that is ALL that is physically wrong with me.  I do still have some issues with food.   It is what it is.  I eat as much yogurt, protein, soup as I can fit in.  I snack on frozen yogurt or slim bear ice cream sandwiches.  I love Austen peanut  butter crackers.

I eat very little sugar because it makes me nauseous.  I eat low-fat because greasy food does the same thing.  I use a lot of antacid but I do have an esophogeal ulcer. I would NOT trade any of this to go back to the way I was in 2007.....over 260 lbs and sick all of the time.  In pain, short of breath, could not walk, exercise, eating myself sick, always embarrassed about how I looked, unable to enjoy my life.

Thanksgiving is coming and I am SO grateful to still have Bill.  He has a 66% chance of surviving 5 years with the rectal cancer.  Two surgeries, chemo and radiation and emphysema but he is still with me.  He is the love of my life.  My entire life has changed this year: job, Bill's health issues, grandson moved in with us, daughter got married just last week, and we are still keeping on.  We have good days and we have bad days.  We argue, make up, enjoy a good sex life (even at 61) when we both feel up to it, are financially stable despite Bill not being able to work.  We are blessed.

 

The day that is not supposed to be on the calendar but is.

Today I am okay health-wise except for battling chronic fatigue.  Only two months before my five year anniversary of the gastric bypass.  As of Monday, I weight 128.5 and I am trying to lose ten lbs.  I feel better at 115-118 and my size six pants are too tight in the middle!  I walk daily for 30 minutes at 4 mph and I am trying to workout at the gym with dumb-bells once a day but sometimes I am just too tired to do it.  Last night I went home and slept two hours before I had enough energy to make dinner.

Bill has been diagnosed with rectal cancer.  He is going through chemo and radiation in preparation for surgery at the end of April.  He is very tired, weak and having a hard time dealing with that.  I try to be supportive but I don't know what to say to him.   Financially we are okay but it sucks that I cannot just take some time off to REST or relax because I might need that time to stay home with him if he gets worse.  We don't worry about death.  We worry about being disabled.

My kids are doing okay I guess....at least they are not calling with any crises...but then they know I don't have the emotional energy to deal with their problems at the moment.  I will be sailing along feeling fine and happy and then suddenly feel like crying.   Hot flashes coming back and I am supposed to be past menopause, damn it!    Taking vaginal suppository that is supposed to help but doesn't really.  All it does is make me feel less "dry" and sore.

I am grateful I had bypass.  I am grateful for this website, support of my friends and family, and for the health I do have.   I guess I want it all!   I want health, ENERGY, JOY, and most of all the assurance that I will have Bill with me for another 20 years.   But maybe that is being selfish.  Maybe I am asking for too much.....I just don't know anymore.

Well reading back over my posts from prior to and immediately after surgery was an eye-opener.  I was trying to find "words of wisdom" to give my friend Laura and her sister support for their lap-band surgeries.  I found a few things but there was a lot I had forgotten about.

Today I am worrying a bit about the fact that I eat a lot of "junk".  I eat peanut-butter and cheese crackers a lot.  I eat Wheat Thins.  I eat crackers in general because I still don't do bread well.  I don't get enough protein in I think but cannot eat much meat without getting sick.  I try to eat normal-sized meals and then feel ill afterwards.  That gets old really fast.

I am not gaining weight so that is not the problem.  I just worry about my desire to have my treats.  Not as much sugary as crispy.  Not as much fatty as "normal".   Bariatric foods are just way too expensive so I don't buy those things.  Protein bars satisfy the need for chocolate okay. 

I just don't put in the effort to count calories, worry about it like I used to.  I have gotten lazy and now that Bill is trying to lose weight, I have to be cautious about eating stuff in front of him.  Of course, he doesn't want what I eat!  He wants bologna and cheese sandwiches, cheeseburgers, french fries, donuts and Coca Cola.  This is going to be hard on him.

GOOD LUCK TO LAURA AND FELICIA.  I hope I can be supportive to them and a real friend.  I wish them both much success.

Well I turned 60 this month and went sky-diving to celebrate.  That was awesome!

Then I noticed that I have started gaining back some weight...just 11 lbs but it concerns me.  Insomnia continues 3-4 nights a week...not sure why.  So to fall asleep I have wine and crackers.  I am sure that is the weight gain but don't know what else to do to fall asleep.

Vacation in ten days.  Traveling back to Ohio to see the kids and then to North Carolina.  There will be lots of good food that I can't eat without getting sick....damn it.

Still fighting with what I can eat and what I cannot eat.  But I am still size 4/6, weight 121 lbs.  I feel good most of the time....a little tired and sometimes I feel my heart beating really hard...like it wants to come out of my chest (mostly when Bill and I make love!).  It would just kill him if my first heart attack came when he was loving me (ha, ha).

All I can say is that would be a hell of a way to go!-

I am embarrased to say that it has been nearly a year since I posted on here.  I am so busy with my new life that I often forget to post and I know that others need the support and encouragement.

I am dong very well with my health.  I am SO happy in my new size4/6 body.  Two plastic surgeries done: lower body lift and brachioplasty along with mid-line facelift.  Healing well and happy with skinny arms and flat belly!

Still need upper thighs/legs done to remove excess skin but waiting for funds to improve.  I will now continue working until age 67 due to husband losing his job two 1/2 years ago but at least now I am healthy enough to do so!

I will go sky-diving in two weeks to celebrate turning 60!  I can't wait!

Love to all of my obesity help frineds.

I didn't realize how long it had been since I posted anything.

Lower body lift went well.  Scars are starting to fade--I went from size 8-10 to 4-6.  I now weigh 115 pounds and still struggle to get in more than 1000 calories a day.  I just have zero appetite and make myself eat.  I am still lactose intolerant and guess I will be for the rest of my life.

Update on friend Claudette: presumably now living in Pennsylvania with a friend, marriage is over for all intents and purposes, husband living with son here in Nevada.  They have lost everything.

Update on cousin Carlene:  BOTH legs amputated and will be in nursing home for the remainder of her life--will turn 67 in October.  She was being ripped off by caregiver and I am still ironing out the financial mess.

I have second plastic surgery scheduled for end of October: arm lift and facelift.  I am a little worried about the inconveniences:  like if I can't bend my elbows how will I wipe myself?  Brush my teeth?  EAT?  Posted some questions and hope someone will answer.

Bill waiting to find out if he has chance at airport security job (federal).  Keep prayers going up!

It has been a rough week.  I went to the Road to California quilt show.  I took two classes, enjoyed them and the show BUT the night I arrived I called my husband and found out that my daughter's companion of 15 years was dead. 

Herman was an addict, recovering alcoholic, but a sweet, gentle man when he was clean and sober.  He raised my grandchildren, Shannon and Danny.  He was always there for them no matter what personal issues he dealt with.  He loved my daughter, Kim.  Rest in peace Herman.

My cousin Carlene is in the hospital dealing with gangrene from diabetes and peripheral vascular disease.  She will recover but she will also be in a nursing home for at least a year before she could hope to live on her own again.  That could have been me if I had not had the bypass.  I was headed for that level of Diabetes and illness.

My lower body lift is 3 weeks away.  I am both scared and excited.  I am a little fearful of the post-op recovery with only Bill to help me but somehow we will manage.

God, thank you for my life, my husband, my children, my grandchildren.  Thank you for my President, and my country.  Thank you for all of the blessing you have given me over my lifetime.

A new year.  Lots of people responding to my post about the lower body lift.  Most are concerned about my food intake and enough protein.  I guess I need to address that----not sure what will happen post-surgery because I have to MAKE myself eat not.  If I have pain and nausea after surgery, will I want to take anything in at all?

My friend Claudette is suicidal and I think she may accidentally kill herself before this is all over.  I am trying to accept that.  Her family just doesn't see it--maybe they don't want to.  I don't know. 

Now I face a new year.  Bill is not working full-time but he seems happier than last year.  Maybe he will be okay if he doesn't find another job.  Maybe we both will----I try really HARD not resent coming to work.  Most of the time I am okay but wish he would do more at home.  Then I realize that what is going undone is not that important anyway---cleaning carpets, floors, stuff that just needs done over and over anyway.  Dust can be ART!

So that is how I start the year: worried about my friend, feeling better about my husband, loving my cat and trying still to let my children fend for themselves.

Just saying hello and realized I have not posted in a very long time.

Food issues continue to be the same--nausea and dumping if I eat too much, the wrong thing, etc.  Thank God for phenargen.  Loritabl for sore joints every night.  No weight training in a VERY long time and I miss it but don't have the energy to pursue it.

I am 118 pounds.  I wear size 4-6.  My tailbone hurts when I sit because my butt is gone!  My collarbone protrudes and skin sags under my chin. 

I am anxious to have the surgery but a little bit scared as well.  I don't do PAIN well.  I am concerned that I never want to eat and have to force myself to eat meals.  I am, however, perfectly happy just snacking on junk (nuts, fruit, the occasional piece of candy) and popsicles.  I know I don't get in enough water, protein, or calories but don't know how to improve it.  I do take my vitamins most days.

So that is how I am!