Trianni

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I had lithotripsy performed yesterday to rid me of the 9 mm boulder taking up space in my right kidney. I've been incredibly lucky so far because I haven't had any of the horrible pain so many warned me about. Just a general soreness all over, including my throat from the intubation, and the run down feeling one gets after sedation. It will all pass in a day or two. Interestingly enough there was another woman in the recovery room who had just had WLS. I couldn't talk to her because she was too far away but I wish I could have. I'd have congratulated her and told her "You go, Girl!"

Before being wheeled into the procedure room they weighed me to make sure I wasn't too heavy for the table. To my delight I discovered that I'd lost another 5 lbs in two days. That's 16.5 lbs in less than two weeks! I chose to follow the South Beach Diet because it is so similar to the way I'm told I'll have to eat after surgery. I'm doing really well on it at the moment but I have no illusions. I won't be able to keep it off without surgery. Statistics and my own personal history tell me that.

I have my appointment with the weight loss center's psychologist the first week in August. I've had to reschedule twice now because my other addiction, shopping, was costing me the money I need to pay him. I'm afraid that I already have dark marks against me because of those reschedules. I hope that's just fear talking and not premonitions.

I am having a good time dreaming about next year's birthday bash. This year I spent my b-day (on June 5th) quietly. I didn't waver from my commitment to the South Beach Diet eating plan and, surprisingly, didn't even crave birthday cake and ice cream. Next year, however, I and three of my closest friends are going to a spa resort to celebrate. I've always wanted to do this and what better time than on one's 50th? Hopefully by then I would have had my surgery, giving me yet another reason to celebrate life. One of those friends has invited me to Las Vegas in November for her 50th. I think that would be fun. In all my travels, I've never been to Las Vegas before.

I hope everyone reading this is well and taking good care of themselves. Good night!

I've been away since my last blog battling a bout of depression. It's been a rocky road and my weight gain mirrored the many tubs of rocky road that I used to console myself. But two of my friends, on opposite sides of the country, had an intervention on the same day and helped me to finally turn the corner and begin pulling myself back up. Along with emotional bolstering they both urged me to get on the low carb bandwagon. I willingly agreed and did my research, discovering that there are many similarities between the South Beach program and the way I'll need to eat after I have my surgery. So I bought myself a copy of The South Beach Diet and read it cover to cover then set to work changing my lifestyle. In less than a week I've already lost 11 lbs and my mood has improved markedly. I think its a combination of their caring and the lack of sugar in my diet that has made such a difference in how I feel. I also stand a little taller knowing that I made it through my 49th birthday without a single piece of cake or ice cream, or a visit to the local Olive Garden.

I don't know when I'll be having my surgery. We had hoped to have everything in order and my insurance approval in time for a date in September but because I chose to eat rather than pay the balance of my out of pocket expense, it is most likely going to be moved back to early 2012. But that's okay. I've learned a lot about myself and the demands of post-op life in the past few months. Things that I don't know if I'd have learned had I not experienced them.

For every dark cloud there's a silver lining. I'm grateful to my friends for helping me find it.

Tonight I went to TOPS and discovered that I'd gained 3.5 lbs this past week. I wasn't certain why until I remembered that I'd forgot to take my morning meds, one of which is a diuretic. The realization that the weight gain was quite possibly a result of not taking that particular pill did not bring a sense of relief. Instead I grew very frustrated that my success from week to week not only depends upon what I eat but also whether I remember to take my meds. The little kid in my mind screams, "It just ain't fair!"
 
It's unclear at this point if losing my excess weight will help control the edema in my legs. It's caused by venous insufficiency, a condition where the valves in my blood vessels fail and allow the blood and fluid to back up in my legs. I already know that losing my excess weight will make it a lot easier on my poor knees and other arthritic body parts, and drinking lots and lots of water will help keep the fluid flushed from places like my legs. What I would love to know most of all, however, is that I won't have to continue taking the small pharmacy full of pills that I now have to take. But of course we won't know the truth to that until I lose that excess weight and see how my body balances out. If I turn out to be a middle-aged "hottie" that would be very nice. I've never been called a "hottie" before. But what I want most is to be able to walk with some measure of grace, sit with decorum, and make a pleasing entrance all without my thighs rubbing my panty hose into a small fire that the fluid in my legs douse long before the fire department arrives!

I have been a member of TOPS (Take Off Pounds Sensibly) for nearly six years. Over the course of those six years I lost 50 lbs then regained 90. The TOPS program does work but its fairly obvious that I need more tools to keep it off. I am also a devotee of Richard Simmons whose program helped me to lose 100 lbs back in 1984-85. I was 30 lbs from goal and  looking and feeling very good about myself when suddenly I had five men following me around campus, including two members of the faculty. Scared the daylights out of me and I couldn't wait to get to Burger King where they were having a sale on their little hamburgers. I bought 10 of them and made myself miserable by eating them all in one setting. Needless to say I gained all that weight back plus some and I've never had that kind of success again.

So much research has been done over the years into the psychology of obesity. I've read a lot of books that focus on preparing patients for WLS not just for weight loss but for the changes that weight loss brings. The best, hands down, is a little book I found on Amazon.com called "The Emotional First Aid Kit." I've also learned that having a good support system is essential. My family is all for my losing weight but they're indifferent to how I go about it. I've had to look outside my family for that kind of support and I've found it at church and within other places in my community. I even found it in the person of a hospital transporter who assists people needing wheelchair transportation. She was very open and encouraging about the procedure she had undergone six years prior to our meeting.  Looking at her I never would have guessed that she had once weighed 175 lbs more.

So I am working hard to build a firm foundation on which to build my new thin life. Just as carpenters and electicians must know the nature of their work so must I know the nature of weight loss if I want it to be successful. I already know the nature of weight gain. It taunts me with each weekly weigh in. What I want is to release its power over me. 

It's been almost two years since I was on OH. After my falling out with my original clinic I spent a few months cooling off then went back and stayed until September 2010. Then I was forced to change clinics for insurance reasons and this has proven to be a major blessing for me. I'm feeling much more energized and confident about my decision to have WLS and I like my new doctor a lot more. Our personalities are much more compatible.

I reached a peak weight of 344 lbs in June 2010. I had been diagnosed as diabetic and put on a medication (not insulin) that caused my weight to rocket nearly 90 lbs in six months! I begged my primary at the time to change the medications and when she didn't listen I went back to a previous primary over in Knoxville. She immediately took me off that med and put me on Byetta and my weight started dropping again. Of course the dropping is much slower than the rocketing! 

I still have issues that must be addressed, most notably my fear of men and my inability to commit to anything long term. I'm someone who spends her life sabotaging herself and that must stop. At the new clinic they have a psychologist on staff who is prepared to help me, either by counseling me himself or by directing me to someone better able to serve me. This clinic really seems to have their ducks in a row.

My first cruise in December has solidified my desire to do something about my weight. It was during the cruise, we believe, that I managed to break the titanium orthopedic nail that held my ankle together. We really have no idea how I did it but I had to undergo a fifth operation to replace it. I suspect that my weight may have had something to do with the break but, of course, we aren't sure. As for the cruise, it was nearly a total loss. I was able to leave the ship one time before my body started protesting big time. I couldn't even walk to the end of the pier and getting around the ship was an exercise in pain. When I go on my next cruise I want to be able to make up for that disappointment.

So here I am, back where I belong. Hopefully by year's end I will have successfully made the transitions necessary to allow me to live a long, long time. I don't want the second half of my life to resemble in any way the first half!

I've been away for a while. I had a falling out with my weight loss clinic over compliance issues in January and went away to think things over. I also had ankle surgery and then lost my job and, well, it was a challenging spring to say the least. But I made good use of my down time and did a lot of thinking and soul searching. I realized that the clinic was right in enforcing their rules. You have to be serious about this and I wasn't. I was in it for the wrong reasons. Mostly I was trying to honor my  mother's dying wish that I lose weight but even for her I wasn't willing to give up food as my crutch.

Now I stand at a crossroads. My old behavior and its predictable path toward self-destruction lies in one direction and the new behavior with its promise of a better life lies in the other.  Still I am fighting the need to hang on to the food. There's such an emptiness in me and I'm afraid it will consume me. So, in addition to continuing to work with my psychologist, I'm returning to Overeaters Anonymous to relearn the 12 steps that will help me to release my emotional dependency on food.

I've also decided to be more honest with the clinic. Last year they made up my mind for me on a number of issues, including which surgery to have. There was no discussion. This year I plan to be more assertive and proactive. I've done my homework, that much I DID right! I'm self-educated on WLS and am able to discuss the options in layman's detail. It's my body and my future and I think I deserve to be treated with respect.

Anyway, that's where I stand at the moment. Wish me luck! Rebecca

I'm having surgery tomorrow, but not the surgery I really want to have. Last year I had a bad car wreck that dislocated and shattered my right ankle. The orthopedic trauma surgeon put it back together with screws and now those screws have to come out and some debreeing needs to be done. It's an outpatient procedure, but I'll still be (in the surgeon's words) "out of commission" for at least two weeks until the incision heals, which means I won't be driving to work or the gym or anywhere else. I bought myself a couple of old  Richard Simmons VHS tapes, "Stretching to the Classics" and "Reach for Fitness" to help me keep up the good work we've started at the gym. I've also amassed plenty of books and activities to keep me busy and out of the kitchen while I'm healing. Now the challenge will be to keep me off the shopping sites in cyberspace...

The thought of surgery doesn't scare me. It's the anesthesia that scares me. I've had problems ranging from breathing difficulties to becoming combative when I arouse in the middle of the procedure. I have no memory of these events, but the stories are legion and its nothing new for me to awaken the day after with blackened, bloodied eyes and split lips as if I'd been in a brawl. What's worse, sometimes I'm not completely "out" before the paralytic agent takes effect. Nothing is more frightening than feeling as if your lungs are shutting down and being unable to call for help.

So while I'm okay with the surgery tomorrow, as well as with my WLS when the day comes, I still have some fear to work through based on past experience. Everything will be fine, I'm sure. I have faith in God and in my surgeon that I'll come through both surgeries with flying colors.

To my surprise I'm not only surviving my membership at the fitness center, I'm actually thriving! My trainer, Matt, is in school to be a physical therapist and this is a good thing for me as he is sensitive to my arthritic limitations. At the moment we are working on flexibility and core exercises using a big ball. At first I was terrified of that ball. I just knew it was going to explode with a loud bang the first time I sat on it! I had visions of SWAT and FBI teams swarming the premisis in search of the bomb only to find me sitting sheepishly on the floor amidst the bright rubber remains. Of course, this hasn't happened and I've slowly learned to trust the ball and my trainer.

I took a big step when I finally joined a fitness center this week. The one I chose wasn't my first choice but it was the only one that would work with me with regard to my budget. In the end, I think it's proving to be the best choice because I am benefiting from the expertise of a trainer that is also a physical therapist. He is careful to keep me from overdoing, a risk that I take if left to my own devices. The hardest part of working out is walking into the gym in my shorts. At nearly 300 pounds my legs are hardly things of beauty and I have this annoying compulsion to apologize for being there; but I tell myself to be thankful that I am able to walk and exercise at all and ignore some of the looks I get from the "beautiful people" who inhabit the gym. Most of the people I've met have been very nice and supportive so those other people are not worth worrying about. After all, I am not there for anyone's approval but my own.

I love looking at all the "Before and After" pictures on this website. They give me hope and inspiration to hang tough in my own struggle. I wonder to myself, will my own transformation be as dramatic? Will I look like a stranger when I reach my goal weight? Will the policeman who stops me for speeding (again) accuse me of using someone else's license? Wouldn't that be a hoot! I look at pictures of my younger self at my thinnest, which wasn't thin at all but merely chubby, and marvel at the delicacy of my features. I never could blame my weight on "big bones." Will I achieve that delicate look again? Or has age erased that possibility? It really shouldn't matter and, really, on most levels it doesn't. But the woman who has never known what it was like to turn heads would like to know, just once, what it feels like. In the end I may have to settle for jaws dropping as people who haven't seen me in years get a gander at the new post-op me, many sizes smaller and walking with new grace and confidence.

Come to think of it, that will do just fine!