vmidiri

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so yesterday i went clothes shopping, i went to the gap tried on a pair of sz 12 jeans with no stretch and they fit. i was sooooooo happy. still am. but while shopping i desided to stop into this one store. i walk in and the man said can i help you find something. i said no i got it thanks. so then he got up and started looking on the wracks. i said to him, your not shopping for me are you? he said i wanted to help. i said no thanks i have my own sence of stlye and i dont like people picking out my clothes. so then he said , i just wanted to show you somethings in YOUR SIZE.

now my head turned so fast and was like, oh! in my size? what is MY size? he said, oh idk. i was just saying we have xl, xxl, and xxxl. Now at this point im saying bye and walking out the door. as im walking away he said no i just wanted to let you know we carry PLUS SIZES. i was so pissed.

first of all i thought i didnt even look plus size anymore. and then for him to even say that out loud made me wanna deck him. anyway i found a shirt somewhere else in a large like i was looking for. but that is the last time im gonna walk through thta store.

ok so i figured it would be nie of me to start writing wow moments so i never forget.

1- after 14 years i was able to fit on a roller coaster, scream mashine no less
2- i can give my child a bath standing up and bending over w/o struggling to breath
3- i am able to sit down on the curb and have my knees bent up and be comfortable
4- i can shop in a normal size clothing store
5- i have more energy to walk around longer
6- people tell me i am of advrage size now. and its coming from men
7- i enjoy going to the gym
8- i like diet drinks...lol. threw that in there....haha

i will add more as i think of them.

OK, so this past Thursday me and my friends went to six flags in NJ. this was such a big deal for me seeing as the last time i was there was more then 12 years ago. it was when the scream machine first came out and i was on a school trip. i went to go into the seat and the bar wouldn't close over me. i was told i was to big for the ride and i had to get off. i have never forgotten the traumatizing event.

now many many years later i return, with some of the best friends i could have. the first few roller coasters i went on i didn't think the bar was closed and i started to panic. the guy came by and assured me that it was closed. i couldn't believe it. i wanted to cry out of pure happiness and joy. we went on El toro, batman, scull mountain, superman and SCREAM MACHINE!!!. i had to go on it last to rid my mind of the memory i had planted in it for many years.

this was truly one of the best days of my life since having my daughter. if it weren't for her and making me think long and hard about my health and getting gastric bypass to live again. this wouldn't have been possible. i wanna thank god and everyone who supports me though my journey...

ok so 2day i mandged to get almost all the meds down. it was hard at first...the first pill i took i got sick lke 2 min later. thankfuly it didnt come up. but i managed tonight to get more down. i have 6 left to take but i think im gonna try all over again 2mao dont wanna push it...

ok, so i am idk 6 weeks out or something. RNY. idk i feel like sometimes i should just let myself go down hill compleatly bc i havent been doing much of anything with this surgery anyway. i dont take my vitamins anymore bc the ones that my insurance covers i cant swallow w/o puking them back up. i cant offord to buy the chewables so i just dont bother taking them at all. i have so many large jugs of protine shake powder but i gag everytime i taste the drink. or smell it...

better yet im gonna make a list of donts for myself so i can see how much im not doing...maybe someone will read it and give me a swift kick in the ass and make me wake the heck up.

DONT-

take vitamins
give blood thinnin injections
drink protine shakes
get more then 5 grams of protine in a day
walk more then 4 min a day

DO-

drink  water, and hot tea with splenda
eat cold cereal bran flakes with some milk that i drink afterwards.
eat whole wheat trisquits
eat ww cheese low fat
panara garden veggie soup and chicken noodle. some of the noodles
hard sf candy
sometimes jello
and this is horrible i had toco bells nachos 2x this week. only half but still bad....
lipton cup of soups. chicken noodel and spring vegtable
sometimes skim plus with light hershys syrup

and thats about all i get in....im aware its bad...i just dont know. i guess im kinda pissed because i have no one to do this with me and no one in my family undertsnad what support is. not to mention the fact that i cant stomach any sorta of fish,meat,pork,eggs, or anything like that....idk why.

my nutri had me remain on liquids for another 2 weeks bc of my not so desent eating habbits and lack of protine...maybe im just depressed or something. anyway. if i had the money i would be buying chewable vitamins and liquid protine. but i dont. so there for im not sure what to do now. i dont wanna ask for help./and i dont wanna tell the doc whts been going on. i feel like they will give up on me or yell at me. not to mention that fact that i really dont wanna take the 11/2 hour trip anymore to the doc....lord help me. i really dont wanna die or get sick....i love my daugher, i just dont know  how to fix me to make this work for both of us.

now im friggin egtting sick off soup. comonnnnnnn man. i cant take it anymore. the doc told me today drink 4 of my new protine drinks no less then 3. have 2 meals 4 if i can fit it. and 2 16 oz bottles of water. and im to be on liquids for another 2 weeks. she told me to eat any soup i can handel. so i ate soup tonight, and what happens....i almost got sick....ughhhhh. idk maybe im just a reject and cant get this together

i cant eat, 1 month out and i can even eat ff tuna. it feel like i have lead stuck in my chest. i have gotton sick 2 times already from trying to eat soft meet. it just dosent wanna happen. i get the pain in the center of my chest and then i have no choice but to vomit. and it isint like a whole lot comes up. just like a teaspoon. idk man. im getting stressed. i feel like i am starving. but at the same time i feel like i take in so much shit that its not even gonna help me loose weight., the only thing i can stomach is the cup of soup that you add water too. not randmon noodles.

not to mention the fact that i only have been drinking the protine shake for a few days now and i feel so week and tired. i have the shakes. i know i havent been taking the vitamins like i should eaither but nothing wants to go down without hurting me. only liquids go down easy....i feel like crying all the time. i am scared to tell the doctors how i have been eating bc i know they will say i cant live off soup and sf jello. but that is really the only thing i can handel. besides the cup of coffee here and there and oj with water.


sometimes i think what did i do to myself?  what did i get into. i mean yes i want to be healthy and fit....feel better, but right now i just dont see it. i have lost 33 pounds and i dont feel it at all. my back still hurts and im a fat mess. sorry. but thats how i feel. if it werent for my daughter i would not be doing this shit. well thats a lie. i would. but still im a emotional wreck and i feel like i dont knwo what im doing anymore. i have no one to talk to and i feel like the doctors and nutrionist just wont understand., they look at me like im crazy....

ok so i have been living on yougurt, puddin, puree soup(nasty), sf carnation instant breakfast, oatmeal and jello since feb 24th. it is getting so old and boring. i just wannna move to the next step already....its so hard. also i was told to stop weighing myself and only do it when i am at the doc's but yeah i didnt listen....i havent lost anything in a 5 days...im getting worried. can i have a stall so soon? ughhhhh, idk man