Alison H.

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WOW!  So much has happened since I last posted.

Hmmm where do I begin... I will begin where it all happened.

It wasn't just mid-January where the hospital turned in my request to have surgery into my insurance company before the hospital called me on January 31st and told me that I was approved to have surgery!

OK, so NOT JUST THE APPROVAL :) but the hospital continued to tell me they just had a cancelation for the 18th of February and proceeded to ask if I wanted that appointment!!!!  Of course I said yes!  They know how far I have come and how hard I have worked to get here.

Well, now I had to make sure to get my mamogram done and my A1C had to be under 7.  Last August my A1C was 9.

My mamogram came up abnormal.  I had to go in for second tests.  On the 12th of Feb I was cleared.  My A1C came back as 6.9.  Halelujah!

Now I have 4 more days!

I am a little scared and a whole lot of excited.

Pray for me.

By chance the worst is yet to come... I truly loved everyone.

Talk to you soon!

OK, so lately I have noticed that I have only been getting aches and pains.  Breathing doesn't seem to play a big factor in my day to day activities, so I wanted to take advantage of this moment to see if I can get over that hump.  The hump I am talking about is my physical health.  My health seems to go up and down pretty drastically.  When I am feeling ok, I work out but then after a month or so, I am back to square one just worried from walking to my car from my desk at work.

Lately, my health has been ok.  So as my physical health gets better the more active I am and the more exercise I make myself do.  The first thing I start is swimming.  This is low impact and I can build myself up again.

Back to today, so I have noticed I am doing ok. I have been starting my activities, such as swimming and more walking.  My boyfriend and I wanted to take advantage of the fact that I am feeling better and we started lifting weights again (only at home).

The weight routine consisted of lbs:

Benches - 65
curls - 45 
hammers - 8
tricep extension - 45
dumbell benches - 22
dumbell tricep extensions - 8

for 3 sets.

My boyfiend and I took turns doing sets.  When I was done with my set, he would do his.  As he worked out, I rode a excerise bike.  Since this was my first time since summer (prior to my last attack) I took it kind of easy in all my routines.  I am not out to kill myself.  I just want to keep going.  We make it fun by playing loud inspiring music (acid rock/classic rock for him contemporary/classic/ workout music for me).  We encourage each other to push to the end of the limit.  We thank and compliment each other when we are done.

My emotional state of mind...

I started to lift and it was horrible.  I was so soar.  My wrists and shoulder hurt.  I worked through it.  I told myself if it continued to hurt my next couple of rounds, I may not be able to lift any longer.  I was fortunate that the pain went away.  It usually does.  I don't like to give up so fast.

Something that I am trying to get over is the thought of what I look like when I lift.  Why can't I get over this physical picture of myself.  I am so critical.  

I will not let myself go there today. :)  I am going to keep up beat.  Hope you have a good day.

I must be in a whiney mood.  I am on the downswing of my pendulum swing of my emotions.  

So, I have adapted the idea of writing and posting my thoughts as I go through this process.  I can look back on my achievements and recognize my own faults to move forward in life.

I just completed my last doctor's visit before my hospital can submit my records to insurance.  Hmmmm insurance.  That's another topic.  :)

Please continue reading ....

Yes, I was turned down two other times and almost admitted defeat a couple of years ago until I decided to give it one last ditch effort.  Anyway, back to the story of what's going through my mind... 

I don't know if I am going to be the person who will ever be 150% sold on this idea of mutilating myself.  I guess the "mutilating" part might be the jet lagged shock in knowing how advanced the medical field has come for this epidemic.  I just know this is the one of the most, if not thee most craziest thing a person can submit themselves to.  We are saving our own life though.  

You see, I struggle between the old way of thinking about obesity vs. the advanced way.  I catch myself all the time....  Matter of fact, that is probably why I get like this like I am sitting here in the dumps. :)

Here is what I look forward and don't look forward to after surgery:

I look forward in praising God for his Love, Grace and Help.

I look forward to living again.

I look forward to get the chance to make a difference in my life by really taking care of myself.

I am scared.  I would be lying if I say I wasn't.  I fear that having the feeling that I am going to miss something, but I don't know what, for the rest of my life. and be miserable.  

I fear that my brain will keep my from getting better.

I look forward to travelling without crying because it's now physically impossible.

I look forward to take long walks in Europe.

I look forward to finding myself again.

I look forward for my daughter to see the real me.

I look forward to the time I spend with her.

I look forward to the exciting events my daughter and I will share.

I have not many friends.  

I have a boyfriend, Bill.  He is the one if the picture with my daughter and I.  He is my rock.  He has, since my divorce, helped me achieve my dignity. He has helped me restore my never found confidence.  I have realized that I deserve to be loved.  All these great things through him.

I have a girlfriend, Michelle.  We are super close.  However, at times we are not at a day to day speaking time, like now.  :)  It's funny, but we are ok with it and it doesn't affect us in any way.  It's nice to have a friend like that.  

My work is a one of a kind.  Great employer.  Love my work.  I travel but not too much.  Stress is high but the drive I get from it is like no other feeling I know.  

That's it folks!  I am tired.  Good night until we meet again.