yeatheatre
My Story, Revised! Below is from 2005, when i set out to conquer the world and and my weight minus the surgery, and I did awesome! I lost 130 pounds!!!!!!!!!!! Unfortuntely, all but about 15 pounds found it's way back. I was gonna write a whole new story, but this one really sums it up! I'll include a, where am i now, below! Thanks for reading!
Where to begin... Well....hmmmmm. Ok, let's just start with what i know. My name is Sheena. :) I'm 23 years old and have been having a torrid love affair with theatre all my life. I am an actress, and under God, family, and a few close friends...Acting is IT! :) So, my whole life i've been big so i think i got hella use to it. Yeah i hated being fat but not enough to do anything about it...because it never really held me back. If you've read my post or you know me in the least, you know that i am a very positive and energetic person, i'm very extroverted, blunt, always willing to speak my mine, and boy do i love to shine. With that in mine, it doesn't surprise one to say that 90% of my life...i kept forgetting i was fat. I was raised by a family on wonderfully strong women. My mum, gram and two wonderful aunts! My dad has been out of the picture since i was 3, showed up randomly when i was 8 just in time to shatter what little self esteem i had to show him...he's in and out now a days, more out than in, usually shows up once in a blue moon by email or phone just long enough to annoy, hurt, and disappoint. Anyway so i was raised by a family of women-- all overweight, so it was pretty much the norm. My whole life they of course would make comments about me losing weight and it pretty much just depressed me and made me shut down as far as that is concerned. So my family's random weight loss request and longing for a Jr high/high school boyfriend is pretty much the ONLY time i thought about being fat. I'd be sad for a night and the next day i was raring to go. Luckily i've always had theatre and wonderful friends to keep my self esteem going full blast! So when did all that change? 2 years ago...and it's funny because 3 years ago-- I was living the life. I was a sophomore in college... performing in almost every main stage production, receiving constant standing ovations, had great head shots and was about to embark on a very exciting and challenging acting career. Well the private Jr College I went to was over...graduated with honors and i reached a fork in the road... Go on to college or Move to California with a fellow actor and start on my career... Well as any crazy ambitious young actress i chose the later. I moved home for the summer and began to get ready for my voyage west...well then my mind started going...and i suddenly realized the person i was going with was not going to be able to give me the emotional support i needed. This wasn't right...this wasn't the time for me to go yet. So after a long talk with my mom, i decided to stay home for a year (i had already missed most college and scholarship deadlines (and in hindsight i was hella scared to go off to another college where i wasn't top dog and had to prove to everyone that i wasn't the fat girl but the funny amazing actress girl...just wasn't up for it)). So i stayed. I got a job as a substitute teacher and that's when EVERYTHING WENT DOWN HILL. MY SELF ESTEEM PLUMMETTED! Yeah...being back in your home town away from all your college friends and working a 9 to 5 you have a lot of free time on your hands. So i decided i liked working (which is totally bogus i was just TERRIFIED of going off to college again...which is insane because my first two years of college were the best years of my life thus far) so i stayed another year. As my self esteem found new time lows I decided to move out and get my own place. My best friend from college moved down and life was great. Well life happened, he decided to go back to college and i was now more insecure than ever before and i just freaked. i became a shell of my former self. And something clicked. I got pissed. I refused to become this shell person. I'm Sheena. I'm an actress. I'll be damned if i'll let anyone, EVEN MYSELF, get in the way of my dreams. So one day my mom and i started talking about having WLS(weight loss surgery) together...we just casually through it around but we both thought it would be amazing. My aunt Sheila had had it done and lost lots of weight...unfortunately she had gained a good little amount back but that didn't matter. We would have our chance. One day my mom came home with the name of a surgeon. I googled him, called to set up an appointment and was informed that i would have to attend a seminar first. So Mom and I go...and oh my gosh for the FIRST TIME EVER i felt like i wasn't alone. I found people who knew what it was like to eye a room for a chair with no arms...people who always requested a table not a booth...people who at the end of meal in a crowded restaurant weren't thinking about where they were going next, but trying to find the escape route that they could squeeze through to exit the building. So immediately i fell in love with the fantasy of losing the weight. ( i thought it was my only option) i learned all about the surgery and was sooo excited! i went through the process of submitting my information and set up a consultation with the surgeon (my mom ended up backing out because my aunt Sheila was doing really bad with breast cancer and it was just too much for momma(she and my step dad always came with me to the meetings though-- i have a very supportive family)). Ok so i go to my consultation and for the first time in 10 years i find out my weight. (i hadn't been to doctor like the first 7/that or he didn't weigh me and after that i weighed more than 350 and that's as big as they went). Ok so i walk in there thinking i weigh like 360 maybe 375...i was just praying that i did not weigh 400 lbs! Well... i didn't...i weighed 445. OH MY GOSH! 445! are you serious? it just totally blind sighted me...i was ok though because i knew i was gonna have this surgery and in doing so acquire a life i had never known. So i apply with my insurance and then i go on my last supper binge...and my oh my! I ate from here to Kansas... just everything! (Now i've always been a big eater ( i never ate like 3 steaks or anything, but junk food and sweets oh my oh my, love love love them) So im waiting to hear back from my insurance, all is fine and dandy and then on Monday night July 25,2005 i see that i have a response from my insurance company...i open it...and i crumble. I WAS DENIED! i was mortified. they were stealing my life from me. my one chance at happiness...the one thing i wanted more than anything in this world. i was devastated. i had heard about people being denied and they apply again and they are approved...the surgeon and everyone assured me that this was all that had happened. all i had to do was follow the stipulations they require, reapply and all would be fine. Well there stipulation was that i be on a doctor supervised diet for 6 months!!! 6 months ! i had waited my entire life thinking there was no hope and i find it and they tell me to wait 6 more months!!! So i cried! and i drove! and i cried! and that night i made a decision...i was going to do this. I was going to do exactly what they required of me, i was going to get approved, and i was going to get my life i had dreamed of. So on July 27th i joined 24 hour fitness. And from that moment on, my life changed. I DID NOT KNOW IT THEN. and they sure as hell know didn't know it... All i knew was, that i was a big girl on a mission... LOL! ok so the moment i walk in to 24 hour fitness...i meant business. I wasn't going to be intimidated, i wasn't going to be conned. I was gonna get exactly what i wanted, and i wanted these people to know that this big girl meant business. Now the way i found out about 24 hour fitness is kind of crazy. I was in the middle of my WLS waiting process and my Aunt Sheila was doing pretty rough. She was at M.D. Anderson Cancer Center (A very amazing hospital that was so wonderful to my family) and she had just been moved from intensive care. As i've said before we are a close family. Well Aunt Sheila wasn't doing so well so the family and some few close friend were spending shifts with her so she was with a loved one 24 hours a day. Momma had taken a sabbatical from work and was spending every night and my Aunt Connie was spending everyday. Well as you can imagine it was wearing them a bit (that and the stress of their sister dying (man that was a really rough time)). So Grandma organized weekend relief. I was to work my first shift starting Saturday afternoon until Sunday afternoon. (Now up until this point no one knew about surgery...well i thought...my momma did of course and then apparently Dennis (my step dad) had let it slip to my Grandma (lol, if you want everyone to know something, tell my Grandma). So as far as i knew, those were the only people who knew.) So I walk in and sit down, a friend of my aunt Sheila's whom i had never met was sitting by her. Aunt Sheila was asleep and Cynthia was reading. Well i walk in and i sit down and i'm waiting any minute for Cynthia to say good bye and leave. Well she starts talking to me...lol, and after introductions are made she says "So I hear you are going to have WLS?" and i'm thinking "grandma grandma grandma!!! :) " So we start talking about it, remember my Aunt Sheila had had it before, and we're having a nice conversation. I talked about Curves and she told me she did that for a while but soon got bored. She joined 24 hour fitness and really liked it. It wasn't too far away and I should look into since i planned on exercising after my surgery. The one thing she did say is not to let them talk me into paying for a personal trainer...they are so not worth it she said. But she continued to go on and on about 24HF and how comfortable she felt there and about the pool and saunas and stuff. So about 45 minutes later we finished our conversation and she left. I remember thinking later and discussing with my mom how weird it was that she just hung around and was talking to me and all ( i mean just with me being there to see my aunt and seeing as how she had just spent the whole night sleeping in a chair at a hospital) . God is amazing. I will never forget that conversation...and God planted a seed in that moment that has gotten me to the 65 lb weight loss i am today and the healthy life style i now enjoy. That was truly a very very significant conversation. So i walk into 24HF knowing one thing is for sure, i don't want no stinking trainer (isn't incorrect grammar fun! yes yes it is :) ). Well my momma came with me (again hella close family and i just like my mom to be there for the hella big decisions in my life) and we sit down and start talking to the people. The woman (Kelli!!! Awesome gal! Love her to death, very supportive and now one of my buds at the gym too) gives us the shpeel and starts talking about 700$ this and 350$ that and i'm like " I want the Lance Armstrong special I heard on the radio, $7.00 a month, and no down payment" and that's what i got. Well then they start in about the trainers, and this was the fact that i had been adamant about. I wasn't interested in a trainer. So homegirl brings over the manager of the trainers (my now buddy Ryan) and he starts going and going and i'm shooting him down left and right...and every time he gets frustrated he begins talking to my mom, who's like i'm just along for the ride. So he asks me can he right down some figures, and i'm like yeah go for it, but i'm not going to get a trainer. (i'm firm and confident but not rude or mean...that's just my style) He writes down 3, 5, and 10 i think ...and i'm sitting there thinking this man better be talking about 10$!! and i basically laugh at him and i'm like nope not gonna happy. Then he brings out the big guns. The jump start package! (5 training sessions with a trainer is normally 300$) the jumpstart you can get if you've never had training...and it's 5 1/2 sessions for $100 or $150.00...i don’t recall now. Well i was getting ready to pitch a fast ball to strike him out again when Momma stepped in and said something to the effect of " Sheena, get it so that way you'll at least know what machines to use and how" (THANK GOD FOR MOM! SEE THIS IS WHY I BRING HER!) So i sign up for that and schedule my first training session with a guy named Gilbert for 7/31/05 (the following Sunday) at 1:30 pm. From that day on...Everything was different. Gilbert. My trainer. So i've never been a person who remembers firsts...you know like the first time you meet someone...I remember meeting Gilbert and thinking he was ok, but that's about it. I didn't know then that my life would change forever. Day one with Gilbert, i'm guessing...cause you know i don't remember, went well. He advised I start eat 1800 calories and I thought that was fair enough. He took my measurements and tried to weigh me (that wasn't gonna happen... to big for the 400 lb scale, so I told him how it had been 445 and now i'm guessing that it was at least 450 (later i would find out that it was more like 465, but i didn't know it then)). The reason i bring up that i couldn't be weighed is that i had absolutely NO IDEA how much i had lost until 11/17/05 when i joined WW(Weight watchers). This to me just reminds me of HOW AMAZING my trainer was/is to be able to motivate someone to keep working out without knowing or seeing black and white results. Yea Gilbert. So working out with Gilbert, at some point during those 5 half sessions something happened...well A) I started working out 5 days a week (now i work out 6) B) I started feeling better and C) i really thought that maybe i could do this. So training is going great and what happens??? I run out sessions! So i'm like, Man!!! What am i gonna do without Gilbert(i had grown quite attached, i mean he believed in me the whole time i kept telling him how impossible this was)? So i workout on my own for i guess about a week...hella depressed without Gilbert there to "motivate" me (here's where i explain the love/hate thing...Now, right now as i'm sitting here calmly typing I can tell you that i adore my trainer...When i'm at the gym and i'm sweating and i'm hot and he keeps saying "come on...Come on Sheena...Come on" and my body is yelling that this torture has to stop, I want to kill him. This is how i KNOW Ryan totally picked the BEST TRAINER EVER for me! We just click. We work well together. I'm all about honesty and bluntness...and he delivers that to me( in a nice way, i mean he wouldn't talk the same way to a brownie troop leader as he does to me, he knows his audience and is able to adjust and produce amazing results no matter which technique he uses). Now i admit i've been mean to Gilbert (in the heat of the moment not just out and out on purpose--it can get a little heated in the gym, lol literally) but (THANK GOD) Gilbert can take it! i'm woman enough to admit that there have been times that he has told me to do something and i've responded with a smart aleck remark, usually "Your Momma" (which is funny because his mom is the sweetest lady ever, i've met her at the gym a few times, his dad too! yea Gilbert's parent's, they rock!) But I also assure Gilbert all the time about how amazing he is and how thankful I am that he can take the bad along with the good, and ignore my temporary insanity.) (LOL, look who's rambling!) Ok so i work out for a while on my own and then i just decide i HAVE to have my trainer!!! So i make one of the biggest decisions i've ever made in my 23 short years... I take out a loan. Best decision i EVER made. So i bought the huge 20 pack and life was blissful for about 2 months! Life is still blissful, i've just run out of sessions and don't get to train with Gilbert twice a week :( . I see him all the time at the gym though and he always checks up on me and is there if i need him. Ok what happens next: Hmm…ok so I’m working out, doing this horrid 1800 calorie diet that Gilbert put me on (damn him! Not really, no damning of Gilbert, but in case you have never been on one of these diets, they SUCK!!! J ) Ok, so I do this 1800 calorie diet and I’m doing great first, eating all these salads and chicken and tuna and who know what else but I start slipping. I start pulling into Dairy Queen just to sink my teeth into a tasty (insert tasty hand motion (this a classic Sheena motion, if you’ve never seen it, you’ve got to, Deb freaking LOVES it! Lol) ) hamburger, French Fries and mmm mmm blizzard. Well so then I would feel like a TOTAL failure and sit there and cry in the parking lot and call up my friend Misty who by this time had had her surgery, and some how she would get me through it. (Misty: Misty is an awesome awesome woman who I met at that WLS seminar, she is a trip. She cracks me up, and she is a classic Super Mom!!! Bottom line, I adore her!!!!) So I’m at one of my lowest points and at some point in walks a girl that CHANGED MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Darcy! Yea Darcy. Ok, now I have know Darcy forever and a day too. Her mom and my mom have been best friends since I was two years old (Aunt Deb). Well I started working at this new office job, I think I mentioned that, if not, I got out of the substitute teacher game and got an office job, which I really enjoy just cause, what girl didn’t love playing office! I know I did!!!!!!!!!!!!! Anyway so when I was a kid my best friend in the whole world was Staci. I literally worshiped the ground she walked on. She was blonde and thin and beautiful and had all the coolest Barbie stuff! And she always had a boyfriend to boot. From about 2 to age 8 or 9 I believe my goal in life was to be Staci, lol! J (Staci still rocks, but as most childhood friendships go, we went our separate ways, but like I said her mom is my aunt Deb and so we all are still in contact). Ok so Darcy is Staci’s older sister. I remember her from childhood being in her room with her best friend Amy, with huge teased bangs and writing “I love Coy!!!” on EVERYTHING!!! J Ok so that’s the Darcy that has been in my head for the past 20 or so years. Well at this new office job, Darcy and Aunt Deb work there. So Darcy and I totally reconnect, which is totally freaking awesome, and she was exactly what the Dr ordered. Darcy helped me so much and helped save me from myself. Aside from that meeting seminar, Darcy helped me to realize that I wasn’t the only person in the world who felt utterly nuts or yucky at times because I was fat (ewww I still hate that word. Need to deal with that soon.). (Darcy is a bigger girl too and she just helped me to be ok with my emotions. Darcy came into my life when I was doing that whole shell of a person thing, and she definitely helped me hold on. Yea Darcy yet again!) Well one of the best and most amazing things that Darcy did is that she introduced me to the 200+ board on WeightWatchers.com . She’s been a member of the board for over 3 years, and while she hasn’t ever joined WW, she does love the board and just would tell me all about it. Well one weekend I’m sitting at her house, just hanging out and we’re talking about this board and I decide I’m gonna check it out. I go home, and I start looking and what I found changed everything!!! I saw these people who were talking about crazy random thoughts that I often felt but what really really got me, were their statistics. If you have never been to the WeightWatchers.com board, (Hello, why not, I haven’t give you enough links on this site??? Go, go now! It’s totally free, just create a user name and go find a board you like. I personally recommend the “200 pounds to Lose” board, oooh lookee here, another link http://www.weightwatchers.com/community/mbd/threads.aspx?forum_id=1&forum_name=Message+Boards&category_name=Pounds+to+Lose&board_id=100&board_name=200%2b+Pounds+to+Lose J . I recommend this board even if you only have 30 pounds to lose just because they are sooooo hella supportive, they aren’t down right rude or mean like I’ve heard about other boards, particularly the General Daily Thread, and HELLO, It’s MY BOARD!!! (As in OUR board…a board that is operated or more so motivated, driven, and joyously kept going by some of the most awesome people in the world. They are some of my greatest friends and I sooooooo adore them!!!) Ok well so if you go to the board there are various message boards you can go to. Darcy was a member of several I think but her favorite was the 200+ board, so I went there, and what I saw changed my life forever. I saw these women, these incredible women who had lost HUNDREDS of pounds without surgery, without pills, they were close to and hitting their goal weights. I began posting asking if this was true. If they were really really losing this weight without surgery. Once you got to be a certain a size I really did think it was impossible or definitely improbable to lose a huge amount or weight without the surgery. I know that that is why A LOT of people have the surgery as they think they cannot do it on their own or like me, they really did not think it possible. So I continued pelting the board with questions and decided to give WW a try. I had no idea what to expect, unlike a lot of women I was no big diet guru or calorie counter, I always prided myself on being the opposite. The happy rebel who lived and ate how she wanted ( I’m the same rebel just a little smarter and HELLA healthier! J Taking pride in choosing to be healthy and having power not only over food but over my life and where it goes.) Ok, so, I found that there was a freaking meeting that night, (Shut up! God is good!) so I went and man oh man, life changed that November 17th. The thing is my mission did not actually start until that day, or well I was not aware of it until then. Before it wasn’t about getting healthy or losing weight, it was about doing what I needed to do so that I could have my surgery and start my life (Remember at that point I thought that that was the ONLY way I could lose weight). So my aim was not to lose weight, I mean I had no way of measuring it anyway, most scales only go up to 350, max 400 pounds (there are others out there now, but I didn’t know that), so I had no idea if what I was doing was even paying off. I know now that that was one reason those first few months were so difficult. If I felt better or my clothes were a little looser I thought it was just my imagination. So I go to my first meeting, November 17th and instantly feel in love my leader Becky! (Becky rocked, unfortunately less than a month later she resigned, but I’m so glad she was there to get me started!) ok first meeting: Small group of people, men and women, mostly older than me (not saying much, I’m a youngin, but I’ve been told I have an old soul). Talking about points this and points that and what have you, but I was game, I was determined to give this a shot. It’s kind of neat God’s timing and all, he always sets up things kind of neat I’ve noticed. Like I joined on a Thursday, (although I didn’t actually start until Sunday, I totally misunderstood the WW week starting on Sunday thing, don’t ask J ) well the next Thursday was Thanksgiving!!! J And I stayed totally OP! I had gotten some great ideas from my leader and knew the points before the big day, and it soooo wasn’t a problem! And then right around the corner was Christmas! And I remember my grandma (she was trying to be supportive) she said, you know it’s ok that you aren’t going to be able to stay on program during the holidays. I was on WW, and I just made a decision that day that I wasn’t gonna count my points and I jumped right back on the next day. I looked at her and I said “Grandma, I’m staying OP (on plan).” And I did! And it was freaking awesome!!! I couldn’t believe it! I mean statistics say how the average American puts on 10 to 15 lbs between Thanksgiving and the New Year, and I freaking lost!!! Wahoo!!! And I didn’t feel deprived. Everything I wanted, truly wanted, I got some of. Granted I didn’t get to eat the entire tub of dressing ( I LOVE DRESSING!!!) but I did get some, and it was worth every freaking point! I like the timing of it, because it was a challenge and I was able to hit it head on! Christmas wasn’t a problem either, and my family was so supportive!!! I got gift cards for new clothes AND Santa even bought me sugar free candy!!!! Ok so lol, I love how I totally went off track there, Shocker I know! Ok so My first meeting I get on the scale after the meeting and the woman writes down my weight and I scream! Bless her heart it, said 414.6!!!! I had lost 51 pounds!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Shut up!!!!! She was all like, it’ll be ok sweetie, you’ll lose it, and I’m like, “ you don’t understand, I’ve already lost 36 pounds!” (Yeah my stats were all hella confusing at first because I weighed in at 450 lbs when I was gonna have that surgery, well then I had last supper syndrome, and oh my gosh did I have it! Heck I thought I was gonna be on liquids for 6 weeks, not to mention would only have a 1oz pouch, I was gonna get my grub on. J And grub I did. So based on my measurement the first day at the gym and my eating habits spanning the time from my initial consultation and my denial letter, I had to have put on at least 15 lbs, so I say my start weight was 465 ). Ok, so I had lost weight! Me, Sheena… I had LOST WEIGHT!!! Yeah Gilbert had tried to kill me…REPEATEDLY even! But it was all worth it. So that’s it. It’s now been about 10 months, I’m down 109 pounds and I feel freaking awesome. To me the key to my weight loss journey is support, and I’ve got it coming out of my ears. I have an Amazing mother that I know God hand crafted just for me, a great family, friends that have been through it all with me and are still enjoying the ride and a trainer who told me the day I met him that he was and always will be my trainer (even when the sessions ran out, he never once abandoned me or dropped the ball. I owe soooooo much of my success to him. He’s amazing, and I thank God for him. Can I get a Yea Gilbert!). So that’s my story. My name is Sheena, I’m big a big girl on a mission, and one should never underestimate a big girl on a mission. J Thanks for reading my novel! :) love you guys! Sheena!
7/9/08 Life took another twist! I stopped ignoring that i had put 115 pounds back on, couldn't walk without huffing and puffing, i was utterly miserable, and couldn't seem to get my groove back and stick with it. I decided TO HAVE WLS! It took a long time for me to come to that conclusion, as it felt like failure, like giving up. I'm getting over that feeling, realizing that 300 pounds is A LOT TO LOSE AND KEEP OFF without a little help. i didn't want to lose and gain it again, yo yoing is soooo freaking dangerous. So, that's where my plan/ mission has taken me now.
