Denise M.
Anniversary
Apr 25, 2009
Yesterday was my one year anniversary for having lap band surgery. I have not lost any weight and kept it off since the surgery. I weigh now what I did the day I had surgery. I find myself spiraling down in a whirlwind of depression, guilt, and shame.
In the past year, I have spent a lot of time addressing food addiction. I go to a 12-step program every week and I'm now in food addiction group therapy. I'm making progress in my head in regards to food and my addictive nature, but my body looks the same. I have reduced my calories drastically, but the weight doesn't come off. I have even given up sugar. Maybe the years of yo yo dieting will require me to reduce my calories even more. I'm unable to exercise because of a bad back and knee. I wish I understood what's going on with my body.
Last week, my 14-year-old daughter told me how disappointed she is in me for not losing the weight. She's tired of missing out on mom/daughter things because of my health and weight. I know her thinking is black and white as a 14-year-old, but her disappointment in me really hurts. It just adds to my guilt.
One thing is for sure, I will never give up trying to lose this weight. I feel trapped inside this body. I am longing to be free.
0 comments
In the past year, I have spent a lot of time addressing food addiction. I go to a 12-step program every week and I'm now in food addiction group therapy. I'm making progress in my head in regards to food and my addictive nature, but my body looks the same. I have reduced my calories drastically, but the weight doesn't come off. I have even given up sugar. Maybe the years of yo yo dieting will require me to reduce my calories even more. I'm unable to exercise because of a bad back and knee. I wish I understood what's going on with my body.
Last week, my 14-year-old daughter told me how disappointed she is in me for not losing the weight. She's tired of missing out on mom/daughter things because of my health and weight. I know her thinking is black and white as a 14-year-old, but her disappointment in me really hurts. It just adds to my guilt.
One thing is for sure, I will never give up trying to lose this weight. I feel trapped inside this body. I am longing to be free.
Back on Track
Apr 02, 2009
It's been almost nine months since I've been on the OH website. I've been discouraged about my lap band and have had no long term weight loss. I'm nearly at my one year surgiversary and I still weigh the same as when I started this journey. Things sure haven't gone like I expected.
I'm blogging again because I am redoubling my efforts to lose this weight and need all the support I can get. In the last week, with my nurse's help, I finally discovered that my band restriction was way too loose. Under fluroscope, I was able to get a very good fill and now feel hopeful the band will do its job to help me lose weight.
In the last year, I have worked hard on food addiction and I'm now in a 12-step program to address food addiction further. I am dealing with the underlying issues surrounding why I turn to food for every emotion I feel. I'm also signed up to start a class at my nutritionist's office on food addiction that will run 6 weeks.
It would seem with the lack of weight loss that I haven't been working very hard on it in the past year. However, I've seen a nutritionist every month, had about 12 fills, gone to counseling, and tackled food addiction. I feel like I've made changes on the inside. They don't show as much as weight loss does however.
I have a hard time getting beyond the guilt and shame over not losing this weight. I'm starting to realize that staying in the guilt and shame will only keep me trapped in the cycle of addictive eating and weight gain. It's time to start thinking positively and break the cycle.
Making matters worse is the fact that I suffer from chronic back pain. I've had several surgeries on my back to fuse the vertebrae. I'm able to exercise about twice a week but I'd like to do more. Until the weight comes off, my back won't feel better. Until I feel better, I can't exercise much more. It's very frustrating. I'm in physical therapy now to attempt feeling better and getting stronger.
One thing is for sure, I'll never give up trying to lose the weight. I feel trapped in this body and I want out. I want to live a better life and with God's help, I'm the only one that can make that happen.
0 comments
I'm blogging again because I am redoubling my efforts to lose this weight and need all the support I can get. In the last week, with my nurse's help, I finally discovered that my band restriction was way too loose. Under fluroscope, I was able to get a very good fill and now feel hopeful the band will do its job to help me lose weight.
In the last year, I have worked hard on food addiction and I'm now in a 12-step program to address food addiction further. I am dealing with the underlying issues surrounding why I turn to food for every emotion I feel. I'm also signed up to start a class at my nutritionist's office on food addiction that will run 6 weeks.
It would seem with the lack of weight loss that I haven't been working very hard on it in the past year. However, I've seen a nutritionist every month, had about 12 fills, gone to counseling, and tackled food addiction. I feel like I've made changes on the inside. They don't show as much as weight loss does however.
I have a hard time getting beyond the guilt and shame over not losing this weight. I'm starting to realize that staying in the guilt and shame will only keep me trapped in the cycle of addictive eating and weight gain. It's time to start thinking positively and break the cycle.
Making matters worse is the fact that I suffer from chronic back pain. I've had several surgeries on my back to fuse the vertebrae. I'm able to exercise about twice a week but I'd like to do more. Until the weight comes off, my back won't feel better. Until I feel better, I can't exercise much more. It's very frustrating. I'm in physical therapy now to attempt feeling better and getting stronger.
One thing is for sure, I'll never give up trying to lose the weight. I feel trapped in this body and I want out. I want to live a better life and with God's help, I'm the only one that can make that happen.
Fills and Unfills
Jun 09, 2008
On May 27, one month after my lap band surgery, I had my first fill in my 11cc band. The doctor found 5cc's remaining in my band from surgery and added 2 more for a total of 7cc's. After the fill I felt like not much had changed. Was this lap band really going to work? Feeling disappointed, I went in the following week to get another fill. The nurse checked my band and found I'd lost 1.5cc's which she said can happen after the first fill. She bumped me back up to 7cc's. I went home with the 7cc's and it was tight! I could just get fluids down. I had hoped the band would go down a bit but it didn't. Today I ended up going back to the office to get a "unfill". I had 1cc taken out and am now at 6cc's. Today's eating has gone better and I may be at a good spot. I hope so!
Waiting for a fill.
May 11, 2008
Had my surgery on April 24, 2008 which was a little over 2 weeks ago. My recovery was great and I feel fantastic. I lost 10 pounds during the 2-week pre-surgery diet. The diet was a "modified Atkins" - only 40g carbs per day and lowfat eating. After surgery I lost an additional 5 pounds right off the bat. Since then, I've lost nothing else. My surgeon doesn't put fluid in lap bands during surgery. I have to wait one month for complete healing before a fill. Right now, I have very little restriction and can't wait for my fill. I'm trying desperately to keep the weight off. I am hopeful that I will start losing again when I get good restriction. I've started walking and will continue as long as my knee holds out.
