Jasmine130

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My husband often gives me a backrub when he walks by and sees my on the computer.  Okay, maybe he's shoulder-surfing but I don't mind and the backrubs are soooo niiiice!

The backrubs are definitely feeling different for both of us now -- both he and I can actually feel bone when he massages my back and shoulders.  The fat layers are coming off and the new me is slowly but surely emerging.

Speaking of bones -- when I weighed myself this morning, I saw quite a few bones in my feet.  It was like, whose bony feets are those?  

This is an awesome journey full of all sorts of surprises.  Lord, I am so grateful for my RNY.  Thank You, thank You.

Today I acheived another goal from my goal list:  to comfortably wear my fave black floral dress.  This is a dress I got several years ago and is quite unique and pretty.  It has a lining that doesn't give at all and is therefore quite "unforgiving".  It's a cute baby doll style with a rounded neckline that includes tiny pleats and beads.

Well today while I was getting dressed for work I slipped it on and it fits great!  I just have to get it drycleaned before I can wear it, as it has been sitting in my closet and is a little "stale".

I'm really excited about this.  I'm some ways it's just a small accomplishment but in other ways it's a big deal to me!

And to think that someday I will have to buy another fave dress, because this one's too big for me......it's really happening!

DH and I spent New Year's Eve in San Francisco at a lovely hotel on Nob Hill.  We checked in early in the evening and decided to take a walk around the neighborhood and look for a place for supper.  We walked several blocks and I felt great!

We found a Moroccan cafe where we reclined on cushions and watched people walk by on the sidewalk outside.  The food was delicious and I had a bit of babaganoush; some hummus; some salad and some falafel.  For "dessert" we smoked hookah, relaxed and talked, relaxed and talked some more.  After 3 hours, we decided to go out for another walk and eventually made our way back to the hotel where we finished our lovely evening together.

The difference in my ability to walk a distance and up and down hills is amazing and encouraging.  I could have walked even longer!  

We had a great time of making simple but very happy memories to bring in the New Year.  2008 is going to be an awesome year!

I'm saving parts of this thread for future reading:

Natalie1975:

well, it doesn't sound so bad when i clarify:
today, at my lowest weight since college (122lbs, bmi 20.9), i was finally able to button levis 501 size 25 waist; 30 length. it took me 10 minutes to button the damn things and they look a bit too tight on me but i got them on!!! and in another 7 pounds, when i'm at goal, i should be able to wear them comfortably.

these jeans are kind of a big deal for me b/c i got them 11 years ago, at my slimmest but still wanting to lose 10 lbs. so i remember there being something like buy one get one at half price on Levis and I got one pair at size 27 (my actual size back then) and, also this pair of 25s because i was hoping to fit into them someday soon.
well, "someday soon" was 11 years but this is the first time ever that i was able to fit into them.

Me: 

That's fantastic Natalie!  I have some little jeans somewhere packed away that I used to wear horseback riding.  It will be amazing to even get close to wearing those in due time!

Tell me Natalie.........when you were early out from surgery, and you saw others who were further down the road posting how they were getting into smaller sizes -- were you able to get your mind around someday doing the same thing?  Did it sometimes seem so unreal to you even though you see others succeeding?  Does it still seem unreal to you sometimes?  I know it takes our minds some time to catch up.  It's quite a mental journey too, isn't it.

      


You have done and are continuing to do so well -- you inspire so many of us dear Natalie!  Woot woot! 

 Jasmine

Natalie1975:

Jasmine honey,
yes, i went through the exact same thing early out b/c i honestly believes that i was the laziest out of control person (bulimic for 18 years and a binge eater for 3) in this world so i would definitely never reach either dr. goal or my own. even now, every time i hit a stall or "cheat" big time and go way over my calorie allotment, a small part of me freaks out and expects a 20lbs gain the next morning:)

so when i saw people in smaller sizes i though i'd never ever be able to do this myself, because they follow the rules better, exercise and are generally stonger people then i am. i still can't quite wrap my mind around being almost at my "dream" goal.

Girl, you've made incredible, amazing progress and you WILL get to whichever size you want to be. Trust me, I was the least likely person in the world to be able to do it and if i could, I promise you, you will

Oh and Jasmine, it does seem surreal/unreal for me to be able to zip up size 6 (which is now too big), nevermind a size 0. my brain is at least 6 months behind my body changes and i still see a chubby person in the mirror (i thing it called body dysmorphia and, hopefully, it will go away soon.) in fact the reason i go on this board to post any minor WOW moment is because once i tols someone it seems more real and because i'm still very insecure and need lots of support.

The non-op family and boyfriend are thick and tired of me screaming for joy every time half a pound comes off or constantly asking if a look thin yet. it's like, "look in the mirror, you are skinny and have been for a couple of months, you no longer have a weight problem, stop fishing for compliments all the time". here, you guys understand that i'm going to be worried about weight for a long time (probably a couple of years) . old habits die hard

Love,
Nat
 

I can’t remember the last time I felt really, truly, thoroughly hopeful about overcoming my obesity until now that I’ve had my RNY.  I guess I did learn a lot of things during all my previous weight loss efforts, but the disappointment with myself when I gained back the weight every time just beat me down.  I almost gave up and gave in to being fat for the rest of my life, and dying young because of it.  When I looked at my future, it was me in a wheelchair, then me bedridden because of my obesity. And I saw a very hurt husband and family who wondered why I did this to myself and why I wasn't able to overcome it.  Over the years, this really takes its toll even on someone like me, who is normally strong and resilient in other areas of life.
 

So today as I look out over the year to come, I know that 2008 will be a year of tremendous change for me.  At 3 months out from surgery, I have already lost 87 pounds.  As I continue to follow protocol and work my tool, and the pounds continue to come off, what sort of emotional journeys are out there for me?  How will my weight loss affect my relationships and my outlook?  How will I feel physically as my frame adjusts to losing more weight?  Already, the hills and the beach call to me to hike and ride my bike.  The athlete inside me is stirring and daring to hope.  At age 47, and carrying over 300 pounds for so long, how much damage have I done to my joints?  Will I have any lingering problems other than a lot of loose skin?
 

How will I handle my doubts and my fears?  By reaching out to my support group and network, comforted by knowing that others experience the same doubts and the same fears and the same hopes.  By continuing to examine my own thoughts and emotions, facing them head on, and by loving myself.
 

2008 here I come.  It’s going to be a fantastic year.

Yesterday at church one of my friends complimented me on my ongoing weightloss and said "you even move differently!".  I thanked her and told her yes, it's much easier to move now.

This reminds me of a documentary I saw on tv awhile back that showed how being even a little overweight affects our frame and how we move.  For example, an obese person has a lot more side-to-side motion with both the arms and legs (this is why we tend to "waddle").  Our bodies are designed for much more fluid, forward motion.  This side-to-side motion takes a great deal more energy than the fluid, forward motion and explains (1) why we get fatigued so much more easily and (2) why we experience joint pain, especially hips, knees and feet, back too.  

I think it also explains why as we lose weight, we often come up with new aches and pains.  Our frames and joints are so used to dealing with the extra pounds, as well as moving against our design.  When the weight drops, our frames must adjust and this can cause pain.  It's important though not to give in to the pain, but to keep moving in order to help our frames continue the adjustment process.

Here it is December 22, 2007....on Monday, Christmas Eve Day, I will be 3 months out from my RNY surgery.  These 3 months have gone by very quickly and the weight is coming off nicely.

I am eating about 800 calories per day although it's been a little difficult to meet my protein requirements.  E.g., tonight I am sipping an AcheiveOne to help boost my protein today.

We have a lot of candy and cookies in the house this holiday season and I've been successful at staying away from them all.  I am afraid of dumping and don't even want to know if I'm one of those who dumps...or not.  I view this as an excellent deterrent -- it definitely is working.

I have been mourning food a bit though.  I guess I'm really learning how much I ate during the holiday season.  In a way, the holidays were in great measure all about food for me.  All the candy, the special dinners, the parties, and the special cookies at this time of year.  (I have been a real cookie fiend all my life and this is an especially tempting food for me.)

As my pouch heals, I'm learning what full feels like.  The nerves are definitely healing so that I acheive that full feeling with surprisingly little food.  I'm glad for this feedback, I always wished I'd had it.  I almost NEVER felt that full feeling pre-op.  My stomach was stretched to a huge bag and I just rarely had that sensation that told me to stop.  I could put away an amazing (okay often disgusting amount of food), particularly when I was alone, e.g., on business trips.

2008 is going to be an amazing year.  I am in control of food now, it no longer has control over me.  I finally have a tool that gives me hope of getting back to a normal weight. I fantasize about what that will be like!  I'm already getting glimmers -- moving much better, starting to see things like my collarbone, knuckles on my fingers.

I am looking forward to looking back -- back on this blog entry to see how far I've come and what the new year will bring.

Thank You God for my RNY, for my job with its great benefits, for my talented and kind surgeon, for my loving and supportive husband, family and friends.
I am so grateful.

These are things I've learned about myself thus far in my WLS/WL journey:

1.  I have been truly addicted to food.  I never wanted to admit that before, but it's the truth.

2.  I am gaining control over my addiction by re-learning how to eat.  My RNY "forces" me to retrain myself and put food in its proper place in my life.

3.  I realize that addiction transfer is a possibility for me so I monitor myself to look for signs of transferring from overeating to, e.g., overshopping.

4.  It is okay for me to face my emotions and ride them through.  In fact, I've faced some intense emotional tests since my surgery and guess what -- I didn't "die" or "flip out" without food there to numb my feelings.

5.  I have much more compassion and understanding for anyone caught in the grip of an addiction.

6.  I have hope for my future for the first time in a very, very long time.

7.  I did a lot of damage to my body by being severely morbidly obese for so many years.  This is sobering but it's the truth and there are some scars I will carry for the rest of my life as result.  But you know what, it's okay.

8.  I am becoming a more confident and open person.

9.  I have had great success thus far but am humbled by how far I have yet to go.  

10.  I am finally ready to let the past be the past in terms of what I suffered in my childhood.  It was real, it happened, it shaped me, but I'm emerging from it's debilitating grip and am not just a survivor, I'm a thriver.

Tonight is our firm's annual holiday party and I kind of don't feel like going -- I feel like being home!  But I'm in management and it's a good idea for me to go, see and be seen, that sort of thing.

I didn't buy a new dress this year, I just won't be this size long enough to make it worthwhile.  So, I pulled out an evening gown from parties past and it fits fine, maybe even a little loose.  Even though it won't be fun new, it will be fun comfortable.

The menu choices for tonight were not that fab:  mushroom risotto; salmon; or prime rib.  I chose prime rib because I can't eat fish and hate mushrooms -- but I know I might have a very hard time with the beef.  I will give it a try but will bring something from home just in case.

I hope to get some pics this year -- I have purposefully and mostly successfully avoided the camera for several years now. 

All in all this has been a great journey so far and I'm thrilled with the weight loss to date.  Although my hair has started to come out in earnest, I have hair to spare and know it will eventually grow back in.  To me, it is a very small price to pay in exchange for the weight loss and health benefits!

Well today was a special day for me.  As I boarded United #177 from Boston to San Francisco today, I decided it was time to see if I still needed the seatbelt extender I stole from the airline several years ago (I stole it because I was tired of asking for it on every flight and often feeling humiliated about it).

Yesssssss -- I was able to buckle the belt, without the extender, and with room to spare!  Wow this is an exciting day for me!

I was tempted to hold onto the extension -- what if I gained weight and needed it later? What if I got on one of those small regional planes and needed the extra length?  Well I reminded myself, I am going forwards, not backwards -- and I'm not revisiting this weight EVER AGAIN.

So I ceremoniously presented the extender to one of the flight attendants and told her "I stole this from you guys awhile back but guess what, I DON'T NEED IT ANYMORE!"  She laughed, congratulated and thanked me for returning the contraband.

I smiled all the way home on that 6.5 hour flight!