lynaeflower

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I spent this last weekend in the hospital being treated for an ulcer I now have in my small intestine. I was bleeding pretty bad. YIKES! Really scary stuff especially since I didn't have any pain. I was extremely weak though and my stools had turned black. So just keep that in mind. I was amazed that something so serious didn't cause any pain.

In other news, I am only 11.5 pounds away from being under 300lbs. Looks like I might just meet my first goal weight by Thanksgiving like I had hoped.

All of this is so surreal. I feel like I am in a dream. I worked so hard and waited so long to get this surgery and now that I've had it, it doesn't seem real. I've lost 29 pounds so far, 19 pounds since surgery. It doesn't seem like 29 pounds is that much. I don't really feel any different and when I think of the total I have to lose, 29 pounds is only a drop in the bucket. I have to take a step back and realize that I am not even three weeks out. It is only the beginning. And when have I ever lost 29 pounds in 29 days? Ummmm...... NEVER!
The cloud that has been fogging my perception is starting to lift and I am beginning to feel excited about WLS. Soon I will have to go shopping for SMALLER clothes. This dreadful liquid diet with eggs and cottage cheese on the side will soon be past. Real food will soon come back.
I look forward to riding the roller coasters at Six Flags with my boyfriend and wearing cute little dresses and high heels. So much to look forward to..... And this time, it isn't a possibility, it is a guarantee that the weight will be lost and lost forever. That is quite a realization!

I never knew an egg could taste so freakin' good! I guess that's what happens when you don't eat solid food for a week. I can now add egg, cottage cheese and a slice of wheat toast to my full liquid diet. Thank goodness for that! I was ready to quit eating all together. I can't handle much more artificially sweetened liquid crud. Worst of all is that the protein drinks are unbareably sweet. What can I do?

Well, my surgery went really well. No drain, no catheter. My incisions are healing really nice. They are just a little pink now. I was released from the hospital yesterday, a day early. I was ready to leave the hospital just so I could go back to the hotel and get some sleep. I don't understand how they expect patients to recover when they can't get any sleep. That was probably the worst part of the entire thing. With that being said, I am pretty happy with the outcome so far. I have started my liquid diet today. So far I have had a couple ounces of cream of potato soup and I have started sipping on my protein drink. The protein drink is a lot better than I expected, just really sweet.
I don't think it has settled in yet that my insides have been rearranged. I feel pretty much the same except I'm not really hungry. For such a major surgery I expected to have more pain and discomfort. Anyway, Im not going to question a good thing.
I'm on my way....

Ok........ I have been working toward this day for two years now, the day that I receive my surgery date. That day was today. I always thought I would be elated and maybe I will be at some point but right now, I am scared. Thoughts are whirling around my head like never before. I need a breather.

I'm back.... Geez it's been a long time coming!

After fighting with the insurance company for two years I finally got approved for surgery. I cannot express the relief I felt when I read the words "has been approved." I cried. It was quite literally the most relieving moment of my life. Finally a chance to move forward and make necessary changes. I just want to live a better life. Why is it so hard to convince people of that? I guess unless you are in a fat person's shoes ya just can't understand.

I'm happy to be back here where I find solice and comfort. And Serena if you read this.... I've thought so much about you over the last couple years. I was pleased to see that you are still here blogging away. I see I have quite a bit of material to read and catch up on. I will be in touch soon but don't hesitate to respond to this!

Will post again soon.

The path winds a bit to the left, a bit to the right. Looking forward but never down, the bends seem to disappear. I'm focused. Only I know what exists at the end. It's my dream that I am going toward.

By myself, I go at my own pace. Nobody to slow me down, rush me, or lead me astray. I almost want to say that company is not welcome but that would be foolish of me. So stranger beware, if you intend to join me on this journey you must travel by your own means. I will not carry you nor let your burdens infringe on me. This is my world and I make the rules.

The dirt beneath my feet is unforgiving. The aching pain I feel in my arches pushes me to rest. I need a break. As I sit beneath the weeping trees, I remember how much fun I once had wandering thoughtlessly through the woods. Before I know it I am reminded of how hard it was to find my way out of those woods. I find solice in my place under the trees, toes touching the path I travel now. I never have to go back.

As if the seasons have slowed, the plants have been ready to bloom for quite a while. How beautiful it will be when everything begins to bloom. For now I am content, imagining the beauty that lies just ahead of me.

My rested feet under me once again, I continue my journey. There is so much beauty in this world I have created. I find happiness here, moving toward everything I have worked so hard for.

Head high, eyes wide open, I move forward.

November 11, 2007

This is the biggest decision I have ever made in my life. I feel that I need to share my experience with those who care to read about it. So I will write about my feelings and all that is involved with this life changing event. When the time comes I will leave my thoughts for everyone to see.

This is my story. This is my reality. This is MY struggle.

I have been fat my entire life. And I do mean my entire life. At six months old a doctor put me on a special diet formula because I was apparently too heavy. I weighed too much. I was six months old, a baby, and already I was tagged as fat.

I remember being ridiculed as a little girl. In elemetary school I was teased and called "Sheryl the Big Fat Barrel." I was one of the last to get chosen when it came to picking teams. I tried not to let it get to me but as a kid, it was hard to be rejected by the popular kids. I just wanted to fit in.
In junior high I moved to Alaska and at 11 years old I saw the move as a chance to start a new life. My mom bought me the newest "in" style clothes and I got a new hair-do. Things were pretty good. I made new friends and I felt accepted. But there is always that one ***hole bully that ruins it for everyone. For me it was this relentless kid on the bus. I hated riding the bus. So much that for the second half of junior high I walked home.
When I got to highschool things got tricky. There were boys that I was interested in. There were dances to go to. I went to my first homecoming dance alone. I left early because I was incredibly uncomfortable being there alone. I don't wish that feeling on my worst enemy. 
My sophomore year I had a date to homecoming. I actually had several boyfriends that year. I had found a way to turn my insecurty into promiscuity. I was that girl that thought she needed to have sex with guys to get them to like her. This is something that took me years to get over. When attention is nonexistant, you will take what you can get. 
Looking back I think I was pretty well liked in highschool. Perhaps I was my worst judge. Maybe if I could have seen what all my close friends saw, life wouldn't have been so tormenting. 

Out of highschool, life continued. I tried dieting and exercise. I even worked with a personal trainer for a year or so. I lost weight as long as I stuck to a strict regimine. But the slightest hiccup and I would head down hill again.
I remember sitting at dinner with a friend and my dad. My dad chose that moment to share his concern about my weight. He told me that I would never get a decent job at the weight I was. He continued to tell me how harsh the world is and that I needed to do something about my weight or I would basically amount to nothing. I was hurt and incredibly embarrassed. How could he really think that? This was my dad.
For years I felt like it was me against the world. Family members had their opinions about me and my weight. Everyone had an answer. Emotionally I was a wreck. I couldn't see past my weight, how could anyone else?
I can't tell you exactly when it happened but somewhere along the way I found comfort in who I am. I finally accepted myself. I had accepted that I would never be thin. I would always be fat and I had to look past it to really appreciate myself. Afterall, I am a really great person, fat and all.
Life hasn't been so bad these last couple of years. I found happiness. I found comfort.... for a minute. Then something happened. I got educated. I started to realize that my life might be ok right now but if I don't change my ways I won't see 60 years old. I'm not even 30 yet and realistically my body is past middle aged. I NEED to lose weight or I am going to die.

I am considered morbidly obese. I weigh 339 pounds. I am at my heaviest weight. I have nowhere to go but down. Reality sucks sometimes.

So, I have decided to undergo Gastric Bypass surgery. My family, for the most part, is surprisingly supportive on this issue. My dad seems to think that I should try another diet. As if I haven't tried dieting enough. But alas, this is his problem and I am not about to go down that road with him again.
My closest friends are incredibly supportive. I couldn't ask for better people to stand by my side.
These next few months are going to be tough. I have to get enrolled in medical insurance. I have many doctor appointments to make. I will even have to undergo psycholigical evaluations.
All of this and life on top of it. Still, the idea that I will finally be able to live a normal life makes it worth all the trouble.
This time next year, I will be a fraction of my size now. 

November 23, 2007

Just after I wrote my first blog I was denied insurance coverage by Blue Cross Blue Shield. I am too fat to be covered by any of their plans regardless of how much money I pay. My heart sank when I heard the lady tell me under no cicumstances would they give me insurance coverage. But alas there was a light at the end of the tunnel. I was referred to New Mexico Medical Insurance Pool. They provide high risk insurance coverage. For $219.00 a month I could get a crappy plan. I choked at the price. Then I was told that there is a low income rate if I qualify. Well, I'm a 'starving' student. So of course I qualify. I qualify for a 75 % reduction in rates. What a relief. Best thing about it, this insurance specifically covers obesity surgery AND reconstructive cosmetic surgery! So.... looks like I will be covered! I'm waiting for an official letter of rejection from Blue Cross Blue Shield. I've never been so anxious to be rejected! Once I get that letter, I can mail in all the other info required and I should be well on my way to getting this thing done. 

December 10, 2007

The same day I wrote my last blog I received my rejection letter. I immediately sent it in with my application for insurance coverage. The next day I was contacted by the insurance company and was told that everything looked good, they just needed money. I sent them a check for my first months premiums and four days later I received my insurance card!

I have my first doctors appointment tomorrow. I am fasting right now so that I can have blood tests done. I am convinced that something is wrong somewhere. I am tired all the time. Lately I have been getting jittery and light headed when I am hungry. It is almost intolerable. I hope that it isn't diabetes. But I know what the symptoms of insulin resistance are and I am pretty sure this is what is going on with me. Even more reason for immediate action to be taken concerning my weight. If I let myself dwell too long on the facts about my dwindling health I feel depression creep up on me. So, I try to let the thoughts go and remind myself that I am working on a solution.

Thoughts of a day when I am half my current size race through my head. Will this surgery change my life so dramatically that I become someone else? I don't want to get caught up in materialistic ways. I don't want to lose focus of what is really important. All these doubts reinforce the fact that I need to prepare for what is to come. This isn't a quick fix. This is a start. It is a pathway to a new and healthier life but it will be a lot of work. I have some things to figure out before I can safely make this move.

Ugh. The demons are already peeping their ugly heads through the slats of my closet door. But, I am aware of them and I know I am ready to face them.