mrs_tomahawk
My Weight Loss Journay 1) Be below 200lbs before John gets home (Sept.11 ,2007) 2) Be at least 170lbs by our cruise (11/6/07, 3 weeks before!!) 3) Lose 100lbs by my birthday (01/10/08, 4 Months before goal date!!!!) 4) Reach goal by one year anniversary (02/25/2008) 5) Be between 140lbs and 135lbs (I am very happy at 145lbs)
When I look back on my life I have never “fit in”. My size was always a problem, be it weight, height, or breast. I developed early and was teased endlessly. The more I was teased the more I turned to food. Food was my friend. It never picked on me or judged me, it was always there when I needed it. It was the one constant in my life. On top of that my family was true believers in finishing what was on your plate regardless if you were full. My dad was a big “meats and potatoes” type a guy, we always had a hearty meal. However he always made sure we had some type of veggies usually loaded with dressing, butter or some type of fat. I brought these eating habits with me when I moved out as well as the skill to cook for 6!
Unfortunately, I can’t put all the blame on my parents. Most of the blame is on me. I believe the true weight gain happened shortly after “I do”. I can’t say for sure, you see I was never truly aware of my weight or how my body really looked. I was totally unprepared for married life but even worse military life. I went from being surrounded by my family in a loud, loving environment to being all alone all the way across the country. That’s when my relationship with food became an addiction. I was totally dependent on it. I needed it. When I had a craving, even if it was midnight, I satisfied it. There were no boundaries, there was no one to stop me or tell me what I was going to eat that night. Leaving home and that structured environment left an empty feeling in my heart and I thought that food would fill it . At the time I was unaware of how bad off I was. Another nail in my overweight coffin was the fact that when I did get to see my husband, we almost always went out and when we stayed in I made a huge fattening dinner after a rather big breakfast.
Now here I am 5 years later almost 250 pounds and planning on having gastric bypass. Never in all my short life did I think that I would let my weight get so bad that I would need surgery. When I reached 220 pounds that’s when it all went down hill. It really wasn’t until I felt a difference in how my husband acted towards me that I realized how heavy I was. I became obsessed with trying to get rid of it. I would do really good but then when I would get close to being under 200 pounds I would gain it all back and then some. During the first deployment my husband and I had a conversation that still burns in my memory. He told me that he was no longer sexually attracted to me. This was not new to me but to hear him admit what I had felt for some time was like a stab to the heart. After that conversation I worked hard to lose the weight. At first it was just for him and to save our marriage. It would be another few years and a different conversation that helped me realize how my weight effected my everyday life. My husband has always been the biggest support in all of this and I fear without him I would have given up all together and there is a possibility that I would not be on this earth today. He has always been honest with me when I truly needed it. The sentence that turned my life around and made me look in the mirror and see me for me was “I want my wife back”. Those 5 little words still ring in my ears. At first I didn’t understand what he meant by it. I had to look deep within me to realize that I was not who I wanted to be.
I don’t know when I decided to have WLS. One day I just woke up and decide that I had had enough and it was time to get my life back. I met with my doctor and he was the one that brought up having the surgery. Even though I had thought about it a couple of time it still was hard to hear it from your doctor. That day I went home and looked at myself in the mirror. What I saw that day was depressing. I broke down in tears. I saw every stretch mark, every pound, every piece of food that ever passed thru my lips. I have never felt so ashamed as I did that very moment. Everywhere I went I could feel people’s eyes on me. I felt them judging me. Food lost its taste, its enjoyment, But yet it still had a pull on me. The strongest was when I learned that my BMI was just under the requirement for the surgery. That’s when I lost all self control. It didn’t matter if I was full or not, I had to have the surgery. I never said out loud that I need to get my BMI up. Its all ironic now. I ate more to gain weight so I can qualify for a surgery to lose weight? I look back on those last few months and shake my head. What was the point? Why make the process harder?
It worked but there was a price I had to pay, I went in to the OR weighing 250 pounds. What can I say? There is nothing that I can say or do that can make this right. I have to forgive myself and only look to the future. And what a bright future that is! I have never been so excited to just live. My life isn’t controlled my food. I have the power. I am in control. I can put the fork down when I am full. I can choose what I am going to eat and if the extra calories are wroth it. Before the surgery I was addicted to soda. I had a liter, at least, a day. I am proud to say that I have not had one nor have I wanted one since my surgery. I just don’t have those same urges anymore. I love that. I am starting to build a new relationship with food. It is no longer my friend. I have said good bye to my dearest friend. Now food is just that food. Its only purpose is to fulfill my nutritional needs. It is there to fill my itty tummy and nothing more. There are times when I miss my old friend but then I look back at where that friend took me and wonder “was it really my friend?” The answer is no.
To date I have lost almost 70 pounds, can fit into a size 14 and weight 183 pounds. Never in my dieting life have I been so successful. I have moments when I think “when will I wake up? When will it all be over?” But the beauty in all of this is that it won’t ever be over. The difference in all of this is that this is not a diet. This is my life. This is the path that I have chosen to follow and it will be with me the rest of my life. June 19th 2007 will always be a very special date in my life. It is the day I came back to life.
Weight Loss Goals
