Schmeesa

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I started swimming laps last week and it's been wonderful! It took me a while to take that first step, but now there's no turning back. I was worried about being in public in a swimsuit, but it turned out to not be a big deal. There were plenty of other fatties in the pool, and it's a very supportive environment at the Dishman Center. Last night I took a water aerobics class and was surprised by what a tough workout it was. Today my arms are a little sore, but I'm so proud that I have started doing this. For the last few years I've just crashed after dinner, reading or watching TV. I can't believe I now have the energy to be active at night-I feel like a new person! My goal for now is to swim at least 3 days a week.

I just heard that my insurance approved the surgery, and it will be on April 4th. Wow, I can't believe it happened that quickly! My pre-op appointment will be March 19. The coordinator told me that from here on out I must stick to a 1200 calorie diet. It sounds impossible, but I will certainly do my best.

I spent all weekend overeating like crazy and I am so mad at myself. Why is it so hard to lose this measly 15 lbs.? I'm worried that my surgery will be postponed or even denied, just because I can't do this small task. I am starting to have "last meal syndrome", craving things I normally would never eat, just because I'm worried I won't ever be able to eat them again. 

I've also been having a major arthritis flare-up for a few days which has completely sapped my energy (I have ankylosing spondylitis). Just getting up in the morning is hard, because it hurts so much I can barely walk. This morning Tom tied my shoes for me because I couldn't bend enough, and my right hand wasn't working well. It was awful. However, I'm noticing that the worst seems to have passed, and I think I am now on an upswing.

My plan now is to get right back on track, and start water aerobics tomorrow night. Please send positive thoughts my way-I need them!

On Friday I finally joined the Dishman Community Center, in my neighborhood. I bought a Family Plan for a year! Tom and I have been meaning to do this since we bought our house 4 years ago. They have a wonderful pool and a decent workout room. My next goal is to actually go there to work out. We used to belong to 24 Hour Fitness, where we paid our monthly dues without ever going once. Well, actually, we did go once, where we had a fitness evaluation. The cocky guy who weighed and measured us tried to sell us a bunch of supplements and told us that we sure had a long way to go, but we could at least try to get in shape. (!) Not the most encouraging visit. 

Also, I got a new CPAP mask that has made a huge difference. It's a Fisher-Paykel Flexifit 407, and I love it. It's lightweight, and allows me to sleep on my side without breaking the seal. I've been sleeping all the way through the night ever since I got it. I can't believe how much better I feel now that I'm getting a good night's sleep. I think that's what enabled me to join the community center, actually. I had been so exhausted for so long,  that I couldn't even imagine hauling myself somewhere to go work out, when all I really wanted to do was stay at home and veg out in front of the TV.

Last night I picked up my CPAP, and I have to say it was a bit overwhelming. The machine was bigger than I thought it would be, with all sorts of pieces that need to be cleaned daily, and the little "snorkel" mask that I wanted doesn't work with the amount of pressure I need. Although I'm grateful to get my OSA taken care of, I admit that after I left the medical supply place and lugged my machine into the car, I burst into tears. I felt like such a failure, that my weight has gotten to the point where I need to sleep hooked up to a machine. By then it was late, and my virtuous intentions of a vegetarian dinner  at home had disappeared. We ended up eating out, where I drowned my sorrows in a cocktail, a steak sandwich with hand-cut french fries, and panna cotta with marsala-braised pears. One positive thing is that I didn't gorge myself for once. I only ate half the sandwich, and didn't feel the need to leave a clean plate. I really tried to enjoy each bite and not just stuff myself. After that yummy meal, plus a nice long talk with Tom, I felt much better. I worry about how I will cope post-surgery with unpleasant feelings. I'm hoping I'll be able to redirect my energy into something positive, such as walking the dog or painting.

I finally got a date for my psych eval, on Feb. 8. On the one hand I'm glad the ball is rolling, but on the other I resent that we have to do this in order to get approved. I mean, what other life-saving surgical procedure requires this? I realize that this surgery involves huge behavioral and lifestyle changes, but it's annoying to have to prove you're sane and capable of handling it. I see it as just one more form of discrimination against fat people. 

Speaking of changes, I've been cooking dinner every night, and while it is lovely to eat nice healthy food, I have been stressed out by the time involved. I work full time and go to school full time, and if we want to eat healthy the meals are up to me. Tom can cook, but his dishes tend to somehow always involve deep-frying chicken wings, or adding several pounds of bacon.  Honestly, I don't how people with children do it all, because I am barely keeping it together. My brother is staying with us for a while too (a whole other topic), and last night, while making our whole wheat pizza (I bought the raw dough at Trader Joes because I'm not THAT crazy) I had problems sliding it onto the pizza stone. The pizza started to crumple and I had a major meltdown. I started yelling about the stone cooling off and the dough not being perfect, almost in tears. Tom and Jimmy quickly came in with frightened looks on their faces, shoved the pizza into the oven, and made me go sit down. I think they were worried it might be PMS rage, which they are terrified of.

Anyway, on to happier topics, I saw a recipe in the NY Times today for vegan spicy peanut stew with ginger and tomato. I plan to make it for dinner, with a big salad. As long as Tom and my brother Jimmy don't know it's vegan, we should be fine!

Now that I am working on losing 15 or 20 lbs. before surgery, I've had lots of time to think about food and what it means to me. Tom and I had fallen into the habit of eating out several times a week. Both of us post restaurant reviews on different websites, and we read and talk about food more than your average person. We get several different food magazines, and have a huge cookbook collection. I am an avid cook and he is an avid eater. OK, the truth is, I eat just as avidly as he does. That's how I got this big in the first place!

To help me get through this initial weight loss phase, I got the book "You: On a Diet" (I admit it was featured on Oprah) and have been following Dr. Oz and Dr. Roizen's program for 10 days now. Basically, it's a lot of veggies, fruits, whole grains, nuts, lean meats, low-fat dairy, etc, with three meals and two snacks a day. There's a lot of planning involved, because I have to pack lunch and two snacks, but I have to say, I feel better now than I have in a long time. I have a feeling I wasn't getting the nutrients I needed before. I have more energy now, and am sleeping better. Normally I'd be scared that I would at some point give up and gain the weight back, but this time my goal is to make it to surgery with a less-fatty liver. I really don't want to make the surgery more difficult than it needs to be. During the week I've been following it well, and not as well on the weekends, which is to be expected. So far I've lost 4 lbs. Just that small amount has made a difference in my clothes. I can't imagine what 100 lbs. will feel like! 

I was worried about what surgery would mean to my relationship with Tom, since we are so food-obsessed, but now that I'm on this plan (and Tom has ended up following it too, at least while he's at home, since I do all the cooking) I can see that it's going to be OK. Tom has enjoyed eating tasty nutritious meals at home with me, and even though we are buying premium organic groceries, we're saving tons of money! So I have officially decided to stop freaking out over it and just do my best.

I spent Friday night having a followup study, this time with the CPAP. This was much, much better than the first one. Even though the mask didn't fit properly, I had a wonderful night's sleep. I can't believe how refreshed I felt the next morning. It was weird and disconcerting to close my eyes and wake up in the morning, unaware of time passing. Now I can't wait to get my own CPAP! Believe me, I never thought I would say that. I've suspected I have OSA for quite a while, but dreaded being diagnosed, because let's face it, wearing a mask hooked up to a machine at night is not sexy.  But it turns out I had a pretty severe case. In my first study I stopped breathing 297 times, or 48 times/hour. So that's even less sexy than wearing a mask and sleeping quietly! Thank goodness I'm in the process of getting this taken care of. No matter where this WLS adventure leads me, this alone makes it all worth it.

Wow, I didn't expect the sleep study to be so awful! I hardly slept at all, due to the room not being dark enough, and the loud crinkly mattress, and anxiety about the wires coming unplugged. However, at least I confirmed my suspicions, which were that I do indeed have OSA. Hopefully once I get the CPAP I'll start having more energy. Right now it's all I can do to wake up, go to work, make dinner, and pass out in front of the TV. I have to sit down while cooking, due to intense back, knee, and foot pain. Tom and I have talked at great length about the surgery, and he is feeling much better about it. He confessed that he is threatened by what my weight loss will mean for him, since he is also very overweight. Now I'm just waiting to schedule my psych eval, and I should be good to go.

Today I met with the NP and dietician to discuss WLS. My insurance will only cover the gastric bypass, so that's what I'll be going with. Everything went smoothly, and now I need to schedule a sleep study and psych eval. I am nervous, but excited! My partner Tom is very much against this procedure. Even though I'd like to have his support, I still plan to go ahead with it. It's hard to imagine that at this time next year, I'll be feeling so much better and have so much more energy!