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Goal 1- To weigh less than my hubby DONE
Goal 2- To be under 300lbs DONE
Goal 3- Learn how to swim
Goal 4- Be down to 275 by my birthday DONE (274!!)
Goal 5- Be down 100lbs from my inital consult by Aug. 23, 08
Goal 6- Be down 100lbs from my surgery date by Oct. 22. 08

Wow! this was a bad and scary experience. I ate chicken this morning. I felt fine but I could feel that it wasn't going down very smoothly. So I took a sip of water......All Hell Broke Loose. I could not breathe, it was just stuck in my throat. I just wanted whatever it was to come up. The chest pain was unbearable. I just had to pace back and forth and sit. To be honest I just felt like a chicken with his head cut off, in panic, going back and forth. Finally IT came up. It wasn't really chicken just a lot of slimey liquid. I don't want that to happen again. But I outside of that I am doing great. I wish I could give weekly weight updates but my expensive ass scale isn't worth shitz. It fluctuates so bad. It frustrates me so I am trying to back away. Maybe I can give an update every two weeks or so. I think I am ready to sign up at the gym. It would be nice to get in the spa and pool and maybe even the steam room. I want to be in the best shape I can before I go back and visit my peeps in Chicago. Anyway I guess that's all for now.

~*HUGS*~
Julie

Ok I have been looking at the food tv network all day. Why am I torturing myself you ask....I have no freakin idea. It doesn't hurt too bad because I can't smell it but it sure does look good. I am still working out my psychological issues with food and I am sure this isn't helping. I feel like I'm obsessed. Not sure how to get passed it. I am 16 days out and every 3 or 4 days I have "buyers remorse" when my family is having one of my favorite meals. I thought I was over it at about 6 days out and I was so proud of myself but then I think about my limited food selection of cheese, chicken, turkey and eggs and all I do is drink water because I don't want any of that. And to put icing on the cake my scale is totally pi$$ing me off. It goes up 3lbs one day, goes down 1lb the next then up 4lbs. I think it's just the scale because at my post op appt my weight was just fine but gosh it's nerve wrecking to have to deal with that stupid scale too. I am tying to stay away from it but I fear that I am not losing weight. Can I be the one person that this surgery doesn't work for?? Stupid I know but with my luck....Just me ranting I guess. I am just trying to deal with this. I have researched and wanted this for so long but no matter how much you look into something you never know what the consequences will be like until your actually in that situation. I needed this surgery to save my life, that I know but damn does it have to be this challenging? Thanks for listening.

Just a quick blog here. I am down 12lbs since surgery. YAY!!! I am excited. Otherwise everything is well. I still get dizzy and lightheaded and almost fell out this morning. Randy said I am not getting in enough water. So I am trying to up the water it's hard but I know it has to be done. I got my visitor super early so I can thank surgery for that. I feel great! See ya

What to say, what to say. Well first off I feel great. Still tired here and there but nothing to complain about. Still not sleeping in my bed but hopefully that will change next week. The cravings were getting to me for a minute there and I was eating things I shouldn't. I am doing much better now. I guess that was my way of trying to hold on to my best friend. But now I have to mourn the loss of food. I can't look at her in the same way ever again. I tried to get mentally prepared for all this but you never know how you will really feel until BAM!!!! you have no choice. I have been walking more and I actually can't wait to start really working out. I still never really feel hungry so I am just focusing on water and staying hydrated. Life just feels like a big breath of fresh air now...that's the best way I can describe it. I am looking forward to school and a career change. I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I will no longer have to first think about how many steps is that going to take me or am I going to feel tired or can I fit in that desk. My wounds are starting to heal, they are itchy. I can't imagine where I will be a month from now. I have been given such a great opportunity to get healthy and change my life around. I have hope. I try to stay off the scale but that doesn't work out all the time. I just get excited at the thought of my weight loss. But I do know if I keep doing it, it will drive me nuts. I guess that's it for now.

It has been some journey. A day I thought would never get here has come and gone. Everything just came up on me so fast I didn't have time to collect my thoughts really. The bowel prep wasn't too bad. I don't think one bottle would have worked so I took another half and that seemed to do the trick. Otherwise the day before was uneventful. The day of the family packed up and moved out at about 830 to be at the hosiptal by 10. I made it on time. I waited about 30 minutes before they took me in the back. Once I got into my cute little hospital gown I sat and waited and waited and waited for about 40 to an hour. It was nerve wrecking to leave someone back there for so long with there own thoughts. You could just imagine what was going through my head. Finally a nurse showed up. I had to be stuck four times in order to get my IV started NOT fun but at least they didnt beat my record of five. Anyway prep with the nurse took about 40 minutes then my parents came back. They were so nervous even though they were trying to make me laugh. Then they brough my son back then my hubby came in. He is so cool about everything, just laid back. Then came the heprin so I knew time was getting close. I met with the anesthesiologist and OR nurse. The anesthesiologist came back with my cocktail. He said it was just to relax me but honestly the last thing I remember was being rolled down the hall...I vaguely remember being rolled into the ER and then lights out! When I woke up in recovery I heard the nurses say that it was 8 something and that I had been there for about two hours. I couldn't believe that. I thought something went wrong. I was totally incoherent though so things didn't start making sense until I got to my room. They should really tell you that your not going to get any sleep. Walking, poking, sticking is mainly what my hospital days consisted of. I was optimistic though (or at least trying to be) I was a bit disappointed when I got weighed the next day and it said I gained 12 lbs. I know it's because of everything they pump you up with but geez, when you go through all of that who wants to see that they have gained 12 lbs?! Well Dr B came in and said that underneath there I was very small (which I felt was a great compliment) which made things a bit complicated otherwise things went well. By the way she has been absoultely wonderful throughout this. Answers all your questions and is confident but never seemed conceited. Well being home so far has been a chore. I even experienced a short bout of buyers remorse. But I am over it. The gas was killing me and so was the dry mouth. I was feeling so tired and just wanted to sleep but had to force myself to walk every two hours. I am feeling a little better now. I went to the ER last night because I thought I was getting a blood clot. But turns out that the fluids in my body is just pooling to my lower leg which is were the pain was coming from. Basically I need to just keep walking and I'll be fine. My hubby had to encourage me to switch up my meals because I was only drinking water. I am not really interested in the jello or broth. It kinda makes me crave "real" food. I can't wait til I go back to my post op education class. This has been so surreal but I am going to document as much of this wonderful journey as I possisbly can. Ok I think that's enough detail of the past couple of days.

Ok I totally thought I would wait until the Monday before to put up my last post before surgery but I am getting nervous. I am done with my chemistry for a couple of weeks so I don't have that keeping me occupied anymore. I have been obessed with the scale since my pre-op appointment. The pounds are just going down and then I wonder why couldn't I do this on my own. Well it wasn't that I couldn't I just had nothing to force me to stick with it. That were my new tool comes in. It will save my life. I have never felt my age and I really want to feel 27. Everything this year has gone really well so well that I fear what's next. I know I should just enjoy the good stuff but my ducks never line up in a row you know? I am so craving a Big Mac and I have worked so hard these past weeks that I am going to go for it this weekend. I figure it will just make things harder for me after surgery if I am already craving something really bad before surgery. This way I will have the whole weekend to work it off. I have heard of people "visiting" their favorite restaurants everyday a week before surgery so I fugure a Big Mac one day shouldn't kill me ****crossing fingers****. I have been trying to be realistic about the pain I will be in. My hubby will be there so I should be fine. I am taking my chemistry book to the hospital so maybe I can get some studying done (sick right?) I probably will forget I have the book. I am ready though. I want to get really excited but for some reason I am afraid to show it. Kinda like if I get happy and something goes wrong I will feel stupid. Who knows just my paranoia. I see so many things positive happening in my future that I can't wait. I want to be HEALTHY and HAPPY. It would be nice to buy scrubs in any size or color or at any store. To not have to worry about if I will fit in "that" chair and a host of other things that someone my size thinks about beside living. Anywho, I am sure I will be a mess on Monday and you will hear about that too. 

Today I had my pre-op appt. FINALLY I get to meet my surgeon. She was great! I feel now that I have completely made the right decision. SBC is where I was suppose to be. She was very comforting and answered all my questions. I didn't feel rushed at all. Unfortunately, I was expecting someone kind of rigid and maybe even a little rude. Boy was I wrong! I am at ease with my surgery now. I know the day of I will be nervous all over again but this put things into perspective. So far so good! Next stop day before surgery.......

Well my hubby and I went to my pre-op class yesterday and it was a lot of info. I do feel well educated about my decision but at the same time things feel so surreal. It's happening you know?!  I am so very excited to start my new life. Well I have my pre-op labs to do Monday and then the following week I FINALLY get to meet Dr Blackstone. Still so weird that I have never met my surgeon but I feel I have chosen the best professional for me. 

I really don't see myself being this extremely pleasant person after surgery though. It's going to be hard to mourn the loss of my very good, dependable and DANGEROUS friend. I am trying to break the ties that bind now but it's hard as hell but I know after surgery I won't have a choice and I am ready to except it and know that's it's going to be a tough road ahead.

I think I have lots of support though. I can always come to OH if I have questions and get tons of feedback from people. And my family......this is going to be tough on them...well more so my dad. He likes to cook and feed, nonetheless, they are all a great support system.

That is all. 

Everyone told me time would fly. Here I am 40 Days before my surgery. I am struggling with losing the 20lbs requested of me. Technically I have lost 10lbs since my inital consult back in Aug so I only have to lose 10 but I know it will be in my best interest to lose 20 to shrink my liver. I remember when I started this process last January I thought I would never be here. I have been so blessed through this entire process so far it's unbelivable. I am not working right now and I thought this would be a time I could spend with my son and focus on him since I am always working and just not be stressed. But that scenerio hasn't completely happned. I am so stressed that my stomach is in knots, I feel sick. I know that's why I can't stick to a diet. Even with no appetitte I eat. Then I doubt if surgery is the best answer for me. I have emotional eating issues I haven't dealt with. On the bright side I have been loving the time I have been spending with my son. I started to get depressed because he spent so much time with grandma and grandpa that he probably thought they were his parents. I got so wrapped up in work and school. I am hoping after this week I will feel better. I need to clear the air with a couple of things and I think I will have some of the stress gone. The sleepless nights are becoming unbearable.  Despite a few set backs I really do feel like this year is mine. I have been so blessed that it outweighs the negative. It just gets hard to see the light through the fog you know?  But I am ready to claim my life back. I will be 28 this year and I want to feel like I am 28. For so long I haven't felt my age because of my weight. I am hopefully one of the lucky ones.

~*HUGS*~
Julie