AlisonJean
As a child I wasn't overweight. My mother cooked good nutritious meals, but mealtimes were often stressful times as dad was a pretty angry sort of guy. My grandmother was obese and died fairly young (60) but not of weight related causes. I loved her - she was large and comfortable and I used to snuggle into her and be read stories. She was very unhappy about her appearance however and I remember she always had to make her own clothes. My mother too has struggled with weight issues most of her life, but never got the size my grandmother or I got.
My weight yo yo'ed in my late teens and 20's and half way through my thirties, as I has another trick. It was called alcoholism. If my clothes started getting too tight I would go on a 'liquid diet' as I like to think of it at the time and the weight would come down. I wasn't just an alcoholic but did drugs as well, so that kept me under 161 pounds. My yo yo limits were 105 lbs - 160 lbs. At that time anyway. Also worth mentioning is the fact that during my early teenage years (which were marred by some pretty horrific and traumatic events) I had a period of virtually starvation. There was about a month where I lived on scraps of bread and coffee. I have wondered whether this experience led me to having feelings of panic around food - that I have to eat as much as I can as quickly as I can always with a fear of starvation. I don't suffer those panic feelings any more thank goodness, but all this contributed to where I am today.
When I was 35 I stopped drinking and taking drugs. Major life changing time and I have continued on that path to the present day. I did start eating compulsively and out of control at that time however. I had eaten compulsively before (shoving tablespoons of icing sugar into my mouth for example) but the 'liquid diet' had brought my weight down. I could not handle the emotional issues that overwhelmed me when I first got sober, and needless to say my body swelled up really quickly - almost to my current size, but not quite as big. Probably around 230 lbs. After a couple of years I decided to get serious about getting my weight down and went on a strict Health Dept eating plan. Weighing and measuring my food and only eating at the correct time. I got down to 144 lbs and was as mad as a snake. I obsessed about food 24/7, hovering vulture like until the next time I could eat. No sugar and very little fats. It took 8 months to get there and the next 3 years were an obsessive misery. Until my lovely grandson was born and I celebrated with a chocolate... I made a decision right them and there that I couldn't live like that anymore, with the weighing and measuring, the tiny meals and the CONSTANT craving for food. I would rather die I thought. So I came off my diet and went through 3 dress sizes in 6 weeks. My boss refused to buy another uniform for me and it was back into the stretchy waistbands. All that hard won thinness was lost in a couple of months. Plus the extra I gained.
And so its been for the past 14 years, trying to lose weight when the doctor has got cross with me, or when I had a fit of enthusiasm, only to fail again and again and again. My last big gain was when I broke both feet falling down 3 steps and was in a wheelchair for about 3 months (one foot was very badly damamged and needed surgery). I had just lost about 9 lbs in my latest effort and the weight just piled on. My heaviest was about 253 lbs.
I have skinny little hands and feet and my lower legs and arms are not that fat so most of my weight is piled up in my middle in the typical diabetic apple shape.
I have had a long bout of depression as my mobility decreases all the time and even the simplest of tasks like picking stuff up off the floor and getting dressed gets harder and harder. I'm now diabetic and that makes me feel unwell.
So... suddenly there is this HUGE ray of hope. Robert Fris - my surgeon - telling me that its not my fault that I can;t control my weight and an actual surgery date!!! My eyes well with tears as I think of it. Maybe I can have my life back...I can jump out of bed in the morning feeling full of energy...is this possible? Is it a dream?
