cerasmyls

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Ok so it's been over a year since I updated anything and I realize that it's been awhile but I have been really busy...divorced, moved, moved again, got remarried...it's been NUTS...and Im just over two years out...I weigh approximately 159.6 pounds and I admit that I have gained some weight..I go up and down..realistically I really want to be about 140 but who knows...it's a freakin challenge I can't lie..I can eat damn near anything I want..I still keep it within good limits tho because otherwise I get sick and who likes that feeling?? Definately not me. I have to figure out a way to get goal oriented and stick to it..Im really not good at that, althought I am completely paranoid of the scale and I get on it at LEAST twice a day so that is what I think keeps me from getting out of hand..if I go up I freak out. I need to start going to support groups, sounds ridiculous that I am just starting this process now but really, I thought I could do it alone...CAN'T..in other news I just got married..to the man who saw me through EVERYTHING in the last few years, my best friend..and........WE MIGHT BE EXPECTING :) at least I hope we are..but we will have to wait and see...not too much longer though, I just figured I want one more child, so why not now? Anyway thats it for now..I will try to keep better updates and I suppose it's time to get some new photos loaded...yikes..

It's been awhile since I have posted anything at all....I am just about a year out, down a total of 142lbs since I started this whole process and 113 pounds since surgery..I feel great, I have 27lbs left to go to reach my goal weight of 140 and it seems like every day is a battle with the scale..I'm not going to lie and say I have been perfect because I haven't. I try to eat three times a day like my doctors ordered me too..I find that due to my hypoglycemia I get to feeling nauseas after awhile and for awhile there the first thing I reached for was cheeze it's or wheat thins to curb it and then I felt terrible. I panic all the time that I am gaining weight and I get on the scale a minimum of 5 times a day. I have stopped eating the crackers and now have found more appropriate things to eat instead and I am doing well. Travel and not being home much has meant not a lot of time at the gym I have been paying a membership too but I manage to find ways to stay active. I got divorced this last year, it was tough and there were days I wasn't sure I wanted to get up but in the end I know it was for the best. I also fell in love, with my best friend and I couldn't be happier. I have found a new me, the me that I always knew was in there somewhere...I want to live my life every day and I accept that there will be speed bumps and challenges along the way and Im looking forward to each and every moment I have. I will never NEVER get fat again, I am determined now more than ever to be who I am meant to be, who I deserve to be...the very best me that I can be...

Hi there, ok well things seem to be progressing but at a slow rate of speed. I'm not discouraged right now. I set little goals for myself and try to reach them. Right now I am at 95lbs lost since surgery and a total of 283lbs down since my highest weight of 468lbs. It's hard to believe that I weighed that much at one point in my life. I was a big girl, I didn't do much of anything well because everything hurt so bad. My knees and my back were always giving me problems and I could barely breath. I slept in a recliner because that is where I was most comfortable. I used to tell myself that I wasn't fat, that it wasn't that bad. I really have no idea how I convinced myself of that although I know I never really did. I don't excercise much right now, I keep getting sick all the time and it just wears me down. I swear I have never been so sick ever. I'm leaving for my first post surgery cruise on Friday for 7 days, I am so excited. My passport photo was taken when I was 380lbs so I highly doubt I will be getting off the ship, especially considering that we are going to Mexico where there is so much bad shit going on. I will be happy finding things to do on board I am sure, especially considering it is a completely new ship for me. I have cruised before, and all I really remember is the amount of food I consumed and how I would always come back like 10 or 15lbs heavier than when I left. This time will be different though, I'm sure of it. I even went clothes shopping to celebrate.....I know they say not to but I can't help it, and these days I go to the thrift stores anyway, I still find stuff with the tags on it. I'm hoping to get to my goal weight of 150 by the year mark. I think it's completely possible, really I like the 130 idea but I'm also trying to be realistic. I'm going to go and speak soon at Kaiser where I had my surgery, I put together some before photos for my album and I have to say I was totally shocked. I had to put some of them side by side just to see the difference because for some reason I still see myself as that fat girl. Is this normal for everyone I wonder?? I also made a mean comment about someone the other day about their weight to one of my friends, something that I would NEVER NEVER have done. But this woman in particular was exceptionally cruel to me over the years and for some reason it just came out of my mouth when I realized that I am much smaller than her now. I cried later tho, because really even tho I don't like her and she has done horrible things to me for the last 5 years, I still don't want to be someone who stoops to that level. Things I need to think about and work on obviously. This whole process has been more than just a body change and health change, it's been a complete rethinking of a lot of things, including who I thought I was. Some good, some bad I suppose.

Ahhhhh I hate the snow, it's the biggest downer especially where I am because there is just a shit ton of it and it never stops and it feels like we are constantly out shoveling it. Last night was Valentines, and as you may know from my earlier posts my husband and I split up and I filed for divorce like three days after I had surgery. He was and is an alcoholic and when we got together I was 18, now I'm 31...and I begged and begged for him to quit drinking. For years I begged and he would say he did and then I would be cleaning and move a couch or something and find a bottle of whiskey behind it or behind the cleaning products in the bathroom...I was fat and insecure and I thought that noone else would want me or I listened to what my mom said and she said if I had taken better care of myself maybe he would change. I did everything I could and then last year it got to the point that he was calling me names while he was drinking and telling me I needed to keep having sex with him or he would cancel the insurance and I couldn't have my surgery. I was tired of being called a cow, or never having anyone to support me when I went to my appointments. I came home once and found my little boy who was 3 outside naked in the middle of the street at 11 at night because he had let himself out and my husband was passed out drunk. I had been in Richmond all day getting all my preop stuff done and it's 5 hours away from me, and we live on the river in the mountains and on the main street in town and there are mountain lions here and bears and shit and he was just outside...I told my ex I would kill him if anything ever happened to the baby at his hands,  I took him and we left. I got my surgery and when I was two days out he was drunk and calling me a fat worthless bitch. I filed, and during the whole process I had my best friend there with me..Phil...he went to all of my appointments, he stayed at the house near the hospital and took care of me, helped me with Joey...did everything, cooked..you name it..and before surgery when I wanted to quit he pushed me to keep going...to not give up and he reminded me of all the reasons I was doing it in the first place...and now he and I are together. Best freinds for 3 years, he was in a 7 year relationship that ended last January and I was married for 12 years and somehow we ended up being exactly what the other person needed, we are the exact replica of each other just the opposite of sex and it's great because we were such good freinds for so long and now he is the love I wish I had always had. I know he came into my life at the right time tho, and I don't want to change any of the experiences I have had in my life because they made me who I am. Yesterday Phil told me we are going on a 7 day mexican cruise in March...I am soo excited, to be going on a vacation for the first time as a normal person who can do all the fun things, it's amazing and wonderful and crazy and I can't wait to go shopping for clothes....and watch the beautiful sunset with the man who saved my life in more ways than one....

On August 26,008 I went in and had gastric bypass surgery to make my stomach the size of a thimble. Some people think it is too drastic and would never go that route to lose weight. That is them, and this is me. I was scared but I also knew that I needed to do something about my ever growing waistline. Something more permanent. Now you might be asking yourself "why didn't you just diet?" I did, all the time, my life was like one big long continuous diet. I was put on my first diet when I was 6 months old because my grandmother told my mom I was too fat, then I was too skinny and thus started this horrible chain of events that would plague me my whole life. I was thin once, drugs helped the weight come off but also caused a whole bunch of other more complicated problems and that is going to have to be a story for another time.

My father had his first heart attack when I was 17 years old and they put in a pacemaker. It didn't stop him. He ate his way to 475lbs and then became disabled from an old football injury to his knee and ankle. He packed on another 100lbs, and I watched him die. On October 17, 2005 my father whom I worshipped my whole life died from a massive infection in his leg that spread to his kidneys and while the doctor was getting ready to go in the room and tell him they would have to amputate his leg my father had a massive heart attack from renal failure and died. We thought he was there for the flu, I never got to say goodbye, or kiss him one last time. Because of his size they were unable to lift my father into the ambulence to get him to the hospital that day and so he had to ride his scooter to the hospital which thankfully was only a few blocks away. Once he passed, they were unable to find anything large enough to transport him in and so they had to use an aircrate container to get him from the hospital to the mortuary. My heart was breaking when they told me that they had to send him to a special place to have him cremated because he was too large for any local crematories. The night my father had his funeral, I sat up in bed for what seemed to be forever and I went over my life and the things I had done to my body. I remember going to Disneyland with my children and having to ride a scooter because I was too fat to walk around and my knees would swell. I was 28 years old a type II insulin dependant diabetic, I had just had a baby and I weighed in at a massive 468lbs. My doctors told me over and over I would die if I didn't do something. I was on Jenny, I did weight watchers, Atkins, Medifast liquid diet. Over and over I dieted and then went right back up to a higher weight than I was before. Until my fathers death I never took it seriously. I cried myself to sleep that night and realized I didn't want to leave my children in that position. I planned my fathers whole funeral and all of the arrangements and I screamed at anyone who got in my way, especially my skinny sister. What could she possibly know about what fat felt like? I wanted him to go out with some dignity and honor, and I knew that was how I would want to go out because I was sitting there at 28 years old thinking that someone was going to have to make all these special arrangements for me someday.

My father was offered bariatric surgery about a year before he died, and he and I discussed the idea. He was excited about the possibility that even with his disability he could lose enough weight to get rid of or improve his diabetes, his blood pressure, and even be able to walk. He was talked out of the surgery, and later his doctor had said that if my father had actually had it he might still be alive. The realization of this made me so sad. I had a baby, his grandson who he had only just begun to know before he died and yet my Joey was too young to know his grandfather. To this day I have one precious photo of my father holding Joey, something that I wish were not the case. My sister will not have my father to walk her down the isle this summer when she gets married, and he will never know her children. There is a deep pain that resonates because of any parents death but for me it was my wake up call.
I made the decision to have gastric bypass surgery, no matter what at any cost. I was diabetic, I had high blood pressure which I was being medicated for, and sleep apnea. I could barely walk for two minutes before I had to sit down and rest or my back was killing me, and everytime I looked in the mirror I saw on the outside someone I didn't want to be but knew that there was someone on the inside dying to get out. I took all the classes, I did all the research, and I started a diet that would see me lose a total of 188lbs over the next three years. People asked well you have done so well why even go through with the surgery, and it was simple....I wanted to live! I listened to people all around me tell me that I was taking the easy way out, that it was like cheating, that I shouldn't do it. And then there were those who were just scared for me, it was major surgery afterall and had the potential to be fatal. I would have rather died trying than kept on pretending that I was living. At the time I was going to have the surgery I was having personal problems in my marriage and had been basically seperated but hanging on by a thread for 7 months and so I almost thought of saying forget it. My best friend pushed me, he helped me count calories, excercise, went to all of my doctors appointments and classes, arranged to be my caregiver after surgery and supported me the whole way, even when I showed up in the middle of the night at his house crying thinking that there was no way I could keep going, he was my friend and he talked me through every minute of every good or bad moment I had, with my weight, with my personal life..he was there.

I woke up from surgery and felt like a new person, even though I hadn't lost any weight yet. Soon over time, I began to lose massive amounts of weight, 33lbs the first month in fact. I threw up, my hair started falling out, I lost all of my muscle in my legs and could barely walk and still felt better and better. Phil wrote down every meal, every sip of water, every walk down the driveway, everytime I threw up and still was my biggest cheerleader even when he was terrified that something might be wrong or ruptured.
Today, I weigh 199lbs. To some that may be heavy and they might think I was a fat girl. To them I have nothing to say, it isn't about them, it's about me. I feel wonderful, I am happy and I know that I will see my little boy grow up, I will be able to walk on the beach, to ride a horse again, to fit in a rollercoaster, and to start to live a life I dreamed of for so long. I wear a size 14 and I was wearing a 30/32. I am not done losing weight, my surgeon says I can expect another 70lbs. Alot has changed this last year, I found me. Today when I stepped on that scale I was crying inside wishing that my father was here with me to see it, knowing that maybe if he had had this surgery he too would be sharing in my exciting moment. When I started crying and Phil snapped the picture of the scale he told me that my father was here with me, and I believe that...and so I say to that....This one is for you Daddy!

Ok well, I woke up this morning and I am that much closer to my goal of seeing 199 on the scale. I am finally lighter than my boyfriend..lol..thank goodness...isn't that the way it's supposed to be. This past year has been really hard on me. I had surgery, I got divorced and I fell in love...things are looking up but it's been tough. I wanted to be healthy so that I could be around for my little boy, I wanted to not leave him like my father left me. I think that although there were hard things this year things aren't that bad and I am feeling much better about where I am in life....a new me, a new man, a new love and a new outlook on life......to be continued...Happy New Year 2009!

I am in need of some serious encouragement here. I have lost a total of 67lbs since my surgery on August the 26th and I am not complaining. But I am sitting in another stalled moment and it is really starting to piss me off. I have gotten sick a few times this past year with Pnemonia once and an infection the other time and now the doctors are telling me that I am Hypoglycemic and I have been having to add enough carbs to the diet to keep my sugars high enough so I don't crash. I wanted to be lower than I am right now but I can't get enough excercise in while I am sick and feeling like crap....not to mention that I always find some reason why I can't when I am feeling good enough so really I have noone to blame but myself. I don't eat things that are bad for me, I eat what I am supposed to and the amount I am supposed to....sometimes even less because it makes me feel sick if I eat too much....I am setting a goal of 13lb weight loss for this month....to start off 2009 right....I really want to see 199 on that scale and I am almost there....I have a treadmill and a recumbant bije so I am starting on those....I want to work up to 5 miles a day on the treadmill.....who knows..right now I am just frustrated as hell and don't know what to say.....

Well Im here, Im completely stalled out....it's frusrating me to no end. I suppose I should be grateful..I have lost weight afterall...44lbs in 8 weeks. I think thats good but I just feel like it's not enough. I got sick, a friggin uteran infection which slowed my excercise. I rose 5 miles yesterday on the recumbent bike and Im back to it today but I just have no idea what is wrong....I find that some foods are easier to get down than others. I need to get in as much protein as I can. Totally frustrated...can't stand this.

Wow is all I have to say....I have lost 22 pounds in two weeks which just seems amazing to me. I'm still really sore and not feeling all that fabulous, I'm having some personal problems between myself and my husband that are making it a little harder on me to relax but hopefully those issues can be resolved and things will start getting better. I'm still on the modified liquid diet that Kaiser does, which seriously consists of 1/4 cup of cream of wheat in the morning, 1/4 cup of sugar free pudding for lunch and 1/4 cup of cream of chicken soup in the afternoon. I miss drinking water, it's got to be the hardest thing right now and I have had some stomach upsets but I think I was overworking my pouch so now I think Im starting to get the hang of it. I also just found out that my insurance is going to be cancelled because my husbands job is changing and Kaiser won't necessarily take me on privately even tho they are the ones that performed the surgery on me to begin with....it's pretty much an insurance nightmare but hopefully something will come up...

Well Im home from the hospital thank goodness, surgery went well but the recovery process was a little rough and I had to stay a little longer in the hospital due to my blood pressure being so high...Im really sore right now, just getting used to this new diet and way of life....I have good people taking care of me so Im doing farely well. I can't imagine having to go through this by myself...I weighed in at 280lbs on the day of surgery which was the 26th and Im down to 267 and it's only been 10 days....I haven't seen this weight since my wedding day...Im getting excited yeall....lol..