ANewDayforRose

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Today's highlight was that I took a shower and then put on clothes!  (not just pjs).  And then I was exhausted.  I'm bored out of my mind.  I miss sleeping in my bed.  Although I have to say my discomfort has been minimal, I feel pulling when I lay down in bed, so I've been sleeping in the recliner.  I miss you bed!!!  Do you miss me as much?

Today began the 'liquid in,liquid out' scenerio.  Fun.  But the good side is that the gas seems to be gone.  (TMI). 

Still on liquids and today I've had absolutely no desire to drink.  I've been forcing it on myself.  My focus today is just to get 65g of protein in.  I've had about 50g so far.  I'm going to have to have another protein drink.  I can start Stage 2 foods 5-7 days post op.  I think that will be Saturday at the earliest.  Maybe I'll drive to the store tomorrow and buy something to eat for Saturday....what shall it be??  I'll have to go check my list of allowed items.  I'd love some pureed soup or chili or something like that....but I don't know if it's allowed.  I'll have to re-read the info - that should kill a few minutes.  Did I mention I was bored?

I'm so irritable today.  I'm feeling fine though.  Just not fine enough to get in the car and go somewhere - and really where would I go even if I did feel well enough?  I checked my work email and became instantly annoyed.      I decided to swear off the work email for a while - but knowing me...well...

So this brings me back to being irritable, and then of course the next step is to get depressed.  And this always happens when I'm sick or in some way laid up.  This is normal for me, perhaps everyone.   

Last spring my job was in jeopardy because my boss 'left' the institution.  At first I was told I was safe, then not, then I was 'saved'.  Well those 6 weeks of uncertainy did something to me.  It made me say to myself - What do YOU want?  Is THIS the life you want to live??  And somehow out of that I came to the decision to get lasik and the lap band.   Both of which I have now done.  So I've begun to take steps to lead the life I want to live, but of course there is still stuff to weed through.  Work is one.  My job has been hodge-podge since my job was saved.  There is a job coming open soon that I'm planning on applying for and if I get it (and I think it would be likely) then the hodge-podge mess that is currently my job will be resolved.  If not, I'm going to have to take steps to clean it up.  Okay....I feel better now just putting that in writing.  This is not insurmountable.  My irritability has just left, maybe it will stay away for a while.

The surgery was fine.  The hardest part was waking up from the anesthesia.  I heard moaning (and I think it was me) and the nurse said 'are you in pain?' and I shook my head no.  My eyes still weren't open.  I think I must have also been flailing my arms because she said 'don't try to rub your eyes'.  Good gawd....I must have been a sight.  When I became more alert I just had this horrible taste in my mouth.  Which made me remember them putting a mask on me prior to the surgery and it smelled toxic and I didn't want to breathe it in.  I must have though.    

So my discomfort is minimal.  So much less than I anticipated.  I was thinking it would be similar to my gb surgery, but all I can think now is that gb surgery must have been hard!  I can even bend down a little to pick up something.  I don't have much difficulty getting up off chairs.  Some discomfort, but not bad.  

The protein powder I had is just too gross so I ordered some Unjury today and it will be here tomorrow.  I ordered chocolate and unflavored, so hopefully at least I can count on the unflavored.  

The hospital portions were funny.  I guess funny in comparison to what I normally eat (even on a diet).  This huge covered plate comes for 'dinner' and I lift the cover and sitting in the middle is a thimble of broth!    And for dessert I got a thimble of sugar free jello.  And ice chips.  Man-o-man I was glad to get home and make a carnation breakfast.   I drink about 3-4 oz over the course of an hour.  But I feel better having some calories. 

Okay....it's 4:06 a.m.  I'm surprised that I was actually able to sleep a little.  I went to bed after midnight and then woke up about every 45 minutes twice....then actual sleep for a couple hours.  Now I'm just a bit scared.  But it will be over before I know it.  This has seemed like such a long long process to get to this day.    I am choosing this.  I am choosing change.  I think that's part of what is scaring me.  I'm saying this is it, things are going to change around here!  Change can be scary stuff. 

My sister will be here at 5:30 and I have to be at the hospital at 6.  Once there hopefully things will go quickly so there is no time to fret.  And before I know it I'll be waking up in recovery.  So really what I'm scared about is the next 5 hours.  5 hours....  it's nothing, barely a blink of the eye.   Put me in coach, I'm ready to play!

My nerves have been pretty good, I move in and out of anxiety.  Right now I'm in the middle of a fit of anxiety, so I'll blog.  I tasted my protein powders today, one didn't mix well, and they were both too sweet.  Panic.  What if?  What if I get sick of the powders, what if I don't have enough broth?  What if I get hungry??  So I think I better go back to the store...so I do.  But on the way I think - am I getting a cold??  I think I am??  Omg what if I'm sick?  Will they still do the surgery?  So I get to the store and I buy some carnation instant breakfast drink, some fudgsicles and some ammonia to clean the bathroom.  Back home.  I take an allergy pill.  I'm tired.  Not sleeping well.  And now I'm panicking.  Breathe.  Just breathe.  You are going to be fine and you are going to get the band tomorrow.  And you will get the bathroom cleaned before then.  All will be fine. 

The work week is over finally.  I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin all day yesterday.  I had a meltdown at work at 4:45 when I 'lost' a file I'd been working on all day.  I had sent it home to work on Thurs night and so I opened it up from email on Friday.  I thought I had saved it on my desktop, but didn't, I'd been saving it in the email.  Anyway once I closed it out it was gone.  I called our Help Desk and they told me that it was gone forever.  They were wrong.  After a complete embarrassing meltdown and some help from some co-workers we found it in the groupwise temp folder.  And why didn't the Help Desk know this???   I sent an email to the head of IMT (I also know her) as an FYI to pass on to the Help Desk.  I hope my name isn't mud the next time I call the Help Desk...but geez louise...shouldn't they know this???  I sent the file home with me to finish...I can't believe I'm doing this, but I was suppose to finish it Friday and send it out.  I was at work until 7 p.m. finishing up all the odds and ends.  So now I'm up in the middle of the night.  I'm a freaking wreck.  And who knew??  I've been coasting along just fine and then today it hit me like a ton of bricks - a physical response of anxiety.  Cold hands, nausea, can't concentrate, and then a meltdown.  Oh and can't stay asleep.  I still have to clean the house.  I am having the surgery whether the house is clean or not, but I would prefer not to recover in swill.  I'm having some reiki done at 10 a.m., so hopefully that will calm me down.  Again....who knew??  I can't believe I didn't know this would happen. 

I'm trying to get ready for the surgery.  I think I have all my supplies.  I'll pick up a few more drinks, sf fudgscicles and the like this weekend.  I want to clean the house - of course that is not going as fast as I would like.  I cleaned out my cupboards, fridge and freezer of foods I cannot eat on my post-op diet and/or at all after the band.  

My real stress is in eating.  I was dieting like crazy trying to get down to my weight at the doctor's from my previous appt.  I did it, and even was one pound less.  And I was told there was no pre-op diet...just eat normal.  Normal??  What's that??  So I thought I'd just do Weight Watchers points...only I haven't.  I start out with that intention each day and each day I chuck it before half the day is over.  I wonder if I should just go on a liquid diet from now until Sunday just for my own sake and sanity.  It will be better when I have the structure of work tomorrow.  If I still chuck the points out the window tomorrow I am going to go back on a protein drink type plan.  Slim fast or something like that.  These last three days have been ridiculous.  My one consolation is that I only have 6 more days of being able to overeat!!!  And my hope is that I don't.

Well I had my visit with the NP from the bariatric center and then my pre-op visits.  Everything is a 'go' for surgery on 1/28.  They will keep me overnight.  I forgot to ask how long I would be out of work, and forgot to give them paperwork to fill out for me to be out of work.  I'll have to do that Tuesday.  My plan is to be out 2 weeks and hopefully they will say that as well.  I think I remember the surgeon saying 2 weeks way back when.  

So now what???  I have to get ready!  What do I need to do?  Well I need to have foods to eat that first week out of surgery (before I'm out driving again), and I need to clean the house.  I wanted to get a pedicure before surgery but yesterday they told me no finger or toenail polish, so I think I might not get the pedicure, but am embarrassed that they will see my crusty feet.  Well okay maybe I'll still get the pedicure but take the polish off before the surgery.  

And I need to read all the info the NP gave me yesterday for my post-op diet, and I want to ready Sandy's lap band guide this week.  Am I forgetting anything else??  Probably! 

I'm not nervous yet.  Maybe I won't be.  I'm 99% sure that the surgery will be fine.  If it's not, then well I can't do anything about that.  I guess I will have to trust the doctors, hospital, my family to take care of things.  I guess waking up healthy from the surgery is the next goal.  After that...I hope this means great and wonderful changes ahead. 

I had a very strange sensation yesterday morning and it stayed with me most of the day.  I felt EXCITED about the band....it's almost here!  I thought my anxiety woud go up and up as the date got closer, but I never anticipated that I would get excited!  And then from my excitement came another more unfamiliar feeling about my weight...it was HOPE!  I was thinking that if I'm successful with the band so many things will change.  And I saw little things throughout the day...when I got out of my car and my knees hurt I thought...when I'm lighter this might not hurt.  And my body aches all the time, in the morning, when I've been sitting too long and stand up my legs and feet hurt, etc.  Perhaps less weight will help with that.  And then I started thinking about lifestyle changes.  With less weight and less focus on eating I will have more time and energy.  I started getting excited about gardening this spring.   And I thought maybe I could re-join the Y.  I liked their classes but I felt self conscsious in some and in others they were just beyond my abilities.  I wanted to take yoga there but downward dog makes my hands feel like they are going to snap off and my belly gets in the way of other poses.   So with less weight...will I be able to do it?  Hope.  

This surge of hope made me realize that I've been living without hope and that was a startling realization.  I had come to the conclusion that I would always be fat and that I would accomodate that realization into my life.  And I staunchly defended that!    Live within life's limitations.   So the band, surprisingly to me, is possibly opening up more opportunities for me.  And that's very exciting.  I do hope I do well with the band.  I see a couple of very impressive people on the board that have had the band 5 years and they are at goal.  But I also see that their lifestyles completely changed too - exercise being a major one.  I want to do that as well. 

So this past week I've been strictly following weight watchers (actually less than what WW recommends for my weight) to try to get off those pounds I gained in November.  My pre-op visit is 1/18 - 11 days from now.  If I show a gain, they postpone the surgery.  So I'm sticking to it.  My plan is to do Medifast 3 days before the visit just to give me a little buffer, but if I don't lose fast enough, I may start medifast on this Saturday.  That's the tough thing about this whole process.  I haven't dieted like this (unhealthy dieting)  in many many years.  But since this whole process began I've been crash dieting and then overeating after my appts and of course gaining and then having to repeat the cycle.  I ticks me off that this process (because it has been so drawn out) really brings this out - I'm sure i"m not the only one.  But I'll do it again knowing that the goal is the surgery.  So a few more pounds.  WW has never been hard for me once I get into it.  It's those first few days that are hard - the planning, etc.

I've been buying things that I'll need post-band - liquid tylenol, chewable vitamins, gas x strips.  I threw away my advil - in fact I haven't been using any advil for about 2-3 weeks in preparation for the surgery.  But I finally tossed it realizing I should not take it post-band, and definately not before the surgery.  I may have to go through the rest of my meds and see what can be kept and what to be tossed.  

It's exciting.  And stressful.  I just need to get through the pre-op visit.  My anxiety level has been going up.  I'm worried about being out of work, wanting to get all the lose ends tied up before the surgery.  It will all be fine I know, but I feel my anxiety going up.  

It's going to be a different lifestyle.  I'm looking forward to it!!!