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Wow...hard to believe it's been 13 months since I had this life-changing surgery, yet at the same time it seems like just yesterday. My life is very different. I feel so good. However, some of the old problems are still there, but they are different. It is true - marriages suffer or the old problems are still there - - and head problems pop up or warp into different head problems.  Being stared at for good reasons sometimes feels the same as getting stared at for bad reasons (when I was heavy). I feel vulnerable. Strange. Anyway, the scale this morning showed a 3 pound loss for month 13 so far - I have a few days to go before I tally the number. Life is still good, even with the problems. I feel better equipped to handle what life throws at me. I am so busy now because I feel so good. Color me happy.

Wow...I am getting close to my 1 year anniversary of having surgery. It seems like it snuck up on me - yet it seems like forever ago. I have been reflecting a lot on the changes I've gone through over the past 12 months (is it reflecting - or rambling???? ha ha). I get teary sometimes thinking about it - not sure if it is because I am so grateful for it, or happy, or sad for the hurt and pain and suffering I endured for so long, needlessly. I sometimes am sad for the "fat me" and all that I went through and felt. Sad for the emotions and the actual physical pain - that I didn't realize were so abnormal - but I do now that I feel reborn. I think I had no idea just how much I was suffering physically, as it was a gradual process and I just didn't have the self-respect to think my physical pain was credible. Not sure that makes sense, but I dismissed my wants/needs/feelings so much because I was unworthy of better. Unworthy - I think that is the one-word description of me from age 0 thru 39. That all changed almost one year ago. I'm not completely there yet, but in the past 12 months I have somehow become worthy - whether that is only in my mind or if it is a result of feeling better - I don't  know. I DO know that I deserve good things, I am SICK of being walked on by others, and I have EARNED all that I have by working hard and not accepting less. Yes I am so grateful for the DS and I know I am so fortunate to be where I am and even consider myself lucky to have been successful and had the opportunity - but I also know that good things happen for those who work for themselves. You can't expect others to do for you - you first have to do for yourself. I am trying to be a better person these days - less judgemental, kinder, gentler, more loving and supportive, more outgoing and cheery, more calm and less anxious - and I am a work in progress. I have to say I think I've progressed pretty well these past 12 months - but I still have a long ways to go. And, I will get there. I just have to take it one day at a time. Thanks for listening. ~Heidi

Weighed 164 this morning...looks like I'm down 2 pounds for my 11th month, which is better than nothing. I doubt I'll lose more before my 12 month anniversary which is April 6th - that is if I continue in the pattern I've seen since surgery. Usually any weight I've lost has been prior to my cycle starting, and that started yesterday so I might be done loosing for the month, which is fine. I am below my surgeon's goal and I am happy where I am for the most part. My excess skin is somewhat alarming...especially as spring gets nearer and the thought of having to show off my bat wings which short sleeves is mortifying, but I'll live I guess. I feel great, fitting into SOME 10's (but mostly 12's still) and mostly L tops. I cleaned five bags worth of clothing out of my closets and drawers -- all ranging from 1X & 2X down to 16's and 14's. I need to get some spring clothes now. I am definitely ready for some warm weather around here!

It's been awhile since I updated this. It seems lately I am not so obsessed with what I weigh every day. Matter of fact, I forgot to weigh myself a few times this week (usually part of my morning ritual). I haven't lost anything in the last month or so, and actually have been bouncing between 166 and 169. With a weight of 166 I am still at a total loss of 138 pounds in 11 months. I hope it isn't done yet, as I still would like to lose another 10-15 pounds before I get the "bounce back" pounds on later. I don't think I've been drinking enough water lately, and I have been letting the carb monster back in my life. However, I am eating much more normally, just in much smaller quantities. My job situation is better - my company has actually offered me a job doing the same thing in the same location here in town - I am so lucky. They made an exception for ME! WOW! I will report to a SVP in Nashville, and will have to make sure I do a good job so they don't have a reason to go back on things. Spring is almost here and I am so excited to get out in the sun, but not looking forward to having to deal with the bat wings. I have been able to hide them all winter under sweaters and long-sleeves, but I am dreading the first time I wear a short-sleeved shirt and my wings become apparent. Yikes. They are bad, really bad. Sometimes I get so mad at myself for "mutilating" my body, but I guess there is nothing I can do about it now. Just have to deal with it. Maybe one day I'll strike it rich and can look into plastics. Anyway, life is good and I'm happy, healthy and looking forward to the future.

I stepped on the scale this morning and lo and behold I dropped three pounds overnight! I am down to 166 - I have lost 138 pounds! Yowza! I am now under my surgeon's goal. I feel great! Gotta love that DS!

Hmmm, its been awhile since I've updated this thing...

1.  Weighed 169 this morning...a new low
2. DD is okay. Her doctor wanted some tests ran - all were negative so he things it was vagal syncope (basically - she fainted due to the pain/blood/trauma). I feel better about this and so does she.
3. My job is definitely in jeopardy. Matter of fact -  I think the writing is on the wall. We'll see what happens.
4. I've been eating like crap lately. My weight loss has really slowed - which is good I guess otherwise I would be loosing too much. I am wearing more 12's lately. I have to go shopping for suits for interviews, etc. Too bad for me...:)
5.  I've been soooo tired lately - my sleep is all messed up due to the anxiety over teh job. My ability to sleep/get fully rested is so hugely affected by what is happening in my life. It drives me crazy because it just is so hard to be sharp when I am short on sleep. It really affects me. I have been waking up at 4:00 ish and awake for 1 to 1.5 hours and then I fall asleep for a short while, which is probably worse. oy oy oy!

The last 24 hours have been a rollercoaster ride of emotions for me. First of all, my employer of 17 years has been purchased by a competitor and the sale closes next week. I will find out then IF I have a job, who I will report to, what my new job will entail, and who knows what fallout will occur as a result. I hope I have a job first and foremost. I have been VERY anxious about all of the job stuff. Then, as you can read in my post below, I was able to fit into a size 12 pants for the first time in about 28 years (when I was about 12 years old). That was very emotional for me - in a good and melancholy way. Then, last night I had a big medical scare with my DD. I am thinking I will call her PCP on Monday to see if they want to do lab work at all. Anyway, hug your kids TODAY and tell them you love them every chance you get cause you just never know!  

I went shopping tonight and was looking through the clearance rack and found a cute pair of pants - on clearance for $8 - but in a size 12. I recently got down to a size 14 and I thought - what the heck - and decided to try them on thinking that I probably wouldn't even get them zipped. CAN YOU BELIEVE that they FIT ME PERFECTLY!!!!!!!!! I haven't worn a size 12 since i was about 12 years old!!!!!!! I am sitting here tearing up right now -  10 months ago I NEVER would have DREAMT that I would be where I am RIGHT NOW. I had lost hope and was so miserable. You're thinking - geesh, she gets that emotional over a size 12?!?! YES! I DO!!! hahahahahhahaha  It is just crazy how my outlook has changed in the past 10 months. I thought I had a chance at being successful with this surgery, but I really had no idea what was in store for me and how good it would feel. I am just so thankful....

This morning I weighed in at 172. It is amazing that the number just keeps moving! I had my 9 month check up with Dr. Anthone this week and I weighed 173 at the time (it actually has been more like 9 1/2 months) and all went well. Anyway, he said that at nine months I have already beat out the average total weight loss that most people achieve whose BMI was where mine was pre-op (70% estimated weight loss for those with a starting BMI between 50-70). I have lost 76% of my excess weight. He said I will probably lose more and gave me a list of plastic surgeons to consult. He said I still have a place where a hernia is kind of developing...so not sure that will need to be fixed or not. I have been having some back pains and at first I didn't link the two but maybe that is due to the excess skin pulling down. I am *comfortably* wearing a junior pair of 13/14 jeans today that were waaay too tight on me just a month ago -and I will probably only have another month or so in them before they are too big I am guessing. Dr. Anthone told me that I am one of the more remarkable transformations he has seen with this surgery. He walked in and didn't know who I was - the nurse was still in there with the file and he had to look at the file to see my name. He was amazed. I am too! My labs were all good - right in the range for all levels and indicators. I have started trying to do some exercises with hand weights - and I have a pilates dvd on its way to me. I don't know if I will be able to/decide to have plastics, so I need to build a little muscle mass and maybe that will help mask some of this ugly saggin skin. My pannus is really bad I think, especially when I stand up. It makes me look almost like I have a butt in front. My real butt has lost a lot of its mass and I wish i could just move what is in front to the back and all would be well. ha ha  I had a case of the frothies last night - took one bite too many and probably ate the whole thing way too fast, and I got the whole mucusy thing going and ended up spitting up the mucus and I felt better. It is amazing how I can just puke up the mucus and not the food. Maybe because it has already started to digest or something? TMI, I know. Anyway, I still can't eat a whole lot at a time, which is fine by me. Dr. A asks me to estimate every time - 0 being no food and 10 being what I could eat pre-op. Up until the last visit I was at a 1 or a 2 to 2 1/2, and this time I moved into a 3. Sometimes maybe more like a 3 1/2, but normally a 3. Last night for dinner I ate about 2/3 of a chicken breast and a couple of french fries. Now, know I shouldn't have eaten the ff until I had that chix breast done with, but a girls gotta live sometimes! ha ha And then I woke up and I was down another pound this morning. Funny how that works. Things are getting tense at work - I'll find out next week whether I have a job or not. I am getting that sick in the pit of my stomach feeling all the time now and I am not sleeping very well. I can tell I am stressed about it. I just THANK GOD I am in better health today because if I had to go looking for a job the way I was 10 months ago, that would have been hard. Now, if I have to, I feel I will be able to state a better case as to why I would make a good employee because I feel so much better about myself now. And, I feel good physically, too. Anyway, that's the update for now. I have a family event this weekend - seeing extended family that hasn't seen be since before surgery. It ought to be interesting! They are gonna FREAK! ha ha

Well, after a weekend of bad eating (choc chip cookie here and a piece of chocolate there, and a potato chip everywhere) I fully expected to be up a couple of pounds when I stepped on the scale this morning. But, nope, I'd lost another pound. I am down to 174 - down 130 pounds from my surgery 9+ months ago. Amazing!
***EDITED TO ADD:  I tried some pants on today - I am officially and comfortably in a size 14. WOW! I had been hovering between 16 & 14 but these were a pretty true size. Before I put them on - I thought "Why did I grab the 14's - I'll never fit into these - I should have grabbed a 16." Imagine my surprise when I pulled them up and they fit perfectly! They looked good. It is amazing how small my hips are now. I bought a size Large shirt. I just hate wearing things that are too big now - I used to buy clothes that would hang on me so I could hide - and I don't want to wear any tents anymore! Another person came into my cubicle today - came out of her way to tell me how good I look. I told her thank you and explained that I had surgery. I don't always tell everyone - just depends on the situation and how many people are standing around and whether it would be appropriate or not - but I especially tell people when they comment how amazed they are that I've lost so much weight. I just feel the need to set reasonable expectations - I don't want them to think I was able to do this just dieting on my own. They need to understand that 90% of all people who lose weight eventually gain it back and it is only with this medical help that I will be able to lose it and keep it off. I would just hate for someone to beat themselves up because "she can do it - why can't I?" or whatever.