ktkaz
Wednesday, June 16th
Jun 16, 2010
So I am almost amazed with myself - well, I did say almost! 
My last post was done only a few hours before I was devastated with the news of my grandmother's death, which REALLY sent me for a loop. I was in shock and I guess faced with the first instance of dealing with the lack of my usual coping skill (aka stuffing my face) or at least a great excuse to eat lots of good food without anyone asking or wondering how much I've eaten.
I think, with all things considered, that I handled most of it ok (at least in regard to the eating).... now comes the days, weeks, & months that I'm going to have to put my money where my mouth is (instead of a cheeseburger) and really try to figure out if I'm an emotional eater.... or why I overeat at all...
I guess this is the time that I have to look into myself and figure out what has been the cause of my keeping on my "fat suit"?!? I know that when I was a child/teenager that I ate things to calm the chaos in my life & that I may have just developed some bad habits along the way. IS that wishful thinking? I don't know.
I know that when I'm tired or the stress level in my life is a little too much that I tend to want whatever is easiest & tastes good - so chinese, burgers, pizza, etc is always on the list to grab and go.... but then there are other instances (and I've found myself victim of this once since my surgery) that I've caught myself eating something mindlessly while I cook. The only time that I've done that recently ruined my dinner and I ate nothing else for the evening.... that just has to be my habits.
I don't know. And to tell the truth, at this point, on the day of my grandmother's funeral, I don't think I want to think about it too much more. I'm sad & I miss my family. I miss that I had years stolen away from me and then when things are finally just getting back to normal in my life (with my family anyway) that these two angels (first my grandfather and then my grandmother) die a little over a year apart.... I just don't know.
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My last post was done only a few hours before I was devastated with the news of my grandmother's death, which REALLY sent me for a loop. I was in shock and I guess faced with the first instance of dealing with the lack of my usual coping skill (aka stuffing my face) or at least a great excuse to eat lots of good food without anyone asking or wondering how much I've eaten.
I think, with all things considered, that I handled most of it ok (at least in regard to the eating).... now comes the days, weeks, & months that I'm going to have to put my money where my mouth is (instead of a cheeseburger) and really try to figure out if I'm an emotional eater.... or why I overeat at all...
I guess this is the time that I have to look into myself and figure out what has been the cause of my keeping on my "fat suit"?!? I know that when I was a child/teenager that I ate things to calm the chaos in my life & that I may have just developed some bad habits along the way. IS that wishful thinking? I don't know.
I know that when I'm tired or the stress level in my life is a little too much that I tend to want whatever is easiest & tastes good - so chinese, burgers, pizza, etc is always on the list to grab and go.... but then there are other instances (and I've found myself victim of this once since my surgery) that I've caught myself eating something mindlessly while I cook. The only time that I've done that recently ruined my dinner and I ate nothing else for the evening.... that just has to be my habits.
I don't know. And to tell the truth, at this point, on the day of my grandmother's funeral, I don't think I want to think about it too much more. I'm sad & I miss my family. I miss that I had years stolen away from me and then when things are finally just getting back to normal in my life (with my family anyway) that these two angels (first my grandfather and then my grandmother) die a little over a year apart.... I just don't know.
Saturday, June 12th
Jun 11, 2010
Hi again,
So here I am two days later, and feeling a little bit better than I did the last time I blogged. Yesterday morning I got up and went for two miles first thing in the morning - had a productive day getting my two kids off on their day and then headed to work. Unfortunately, my day was much longer than I wanted & I didn't get home until almost 11pm last night (nothing like a 13 hour day to end my week) and headed straight to bed.
I had an 8oz protein shake for breakfast (220 cals & 16g protein), half of a chobani yogurt for lunch - I just LOVE the peach ones (70 cals & 7g protein) and then managed to polish off 1.5 cups of refried beans throughout the remainder of the day (100 cals per .5 cup & 6g protein - so 300 cals total & 18g protein). For the day, my totals were 590 calories & 41g protein. I guess when I add in the exercise my calories are reduced a good 250 for the day to 340.... which is probably why I'm a little sluggish this morning - not to mention the fact that my darling husband left at 6am this morning for the weekend and I needed to get up with my 2yo.... and the low protein intake can't be ideal. I know that my fluid intake is still sub-par, but I'm really finding it hard to get it all in...
Anyway, I had plans for today & really don't feel too much like doing them. It's begun to rain & I have no idea if the tag sale I volunteered to run this morning will still be on... guess I'm going to have to mobilze the troops and drive over there to see. If not, I guess I'll do the errands & shopping a little earlier than planned.
So I got on the scale this morning - it's been "hiding" away from me in my bedroom for a few weeks now because I couldn't not obsess over getting on it daily - well more like 12 times daily & driving myself INSANE. And saw that I've lost another few pounds this week. I'm happy about that, but want to see more. I was writing to someone this morning and had said that I wanted another 10 lbs off before I was satisfied with my decision & in the position to say that it might not fail... but then I realized something... is it really going to be "enough" when I get there? back down to weight where I haven't seen in years? NO. I know that I'm going to want more - and more - and more.... I mean isn't that the American way? We just keep demanding more.... more food, more debt, bigger vehicles, more "toys"... what the hell is wrong with us? my husband chose a great song for our wedding - don henley's "for my wedding" which says (in part): "to want what I have, to take what I'm given with grace" and I wonder why haven't I learned to live that way? Now I'm not thinking that things are bad - that would be FAR from the truth - I have a perfect partner in life, two wonderful children & great friends. I'm happy with my home, my life & my work. My weight is my struggle/demon and I would do about anything to stop it....
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So here I am two days later, and feeling a little bit better than I did the last time I blogged. Yesterday morning I got up and went for two miles first thing in the morning - had a productive day getting my two kids off on their day and then headed to work. Unfortunately, my day was much longer than I wanted & I didn't get home until almost 11pm last night (nothing like a 13 hour day to end my week) and headed straight to bed.
I had an 8oz protein shake for breakfast (220 cals & 16g protein), half of a chobani yogurt for lunch - I just LOVE the peach ones (70 cals & 7g protein) and then managed to polish off 1.5 cups of refried beans throughout the remainder of the day (100 cals per .5 cup & 6g protein - so 300 cals total & 18g protein). For the day, my totals were 590 calories & 41g protein. I guess when I add in the exercise my calories are reduced a good 250 for the day to 340.... which is probably why I'm a little sluggish this morning - not to mention the fact that my darling husband left at 6am this morning for the weekend and I needed to get up with my 2yo.... and the low protein intake can't be ideal. I know that my fluid intake is still sub-par, but I'm really finding it hard to get it all in...
Anyway, I had plans for today & really don't feel too much like doing them. It's begun to rain & I have no idea if the tag sale I volunteered to run this morning will still be on... guess I'm going to have to mobilze the troops and drive over there to see. If not, I guess I'll do the errands & shopping a little earlier than planned.
So I got on the scale this morning - it's been "hiding" away from me in my bedroom for a few weeks now because I couldn't not obsess over getting on it daily - well more like 12 times daily & driving myself INSANE. And saw that I've lost another few pounds this week. I'm happy about that, but want to see more. I was writing to someone this morning and had said that I wanted another 10 lbs off before I was satisfied with my decision & in the position to say that it might not fail... but then I realized something... is it really going to be "enough" when I get there? back down to weight where I haven't seen in years? NO. I know that I'm going to want more - and more - and more.... I mean isn't that the American way? We just keep demanding more.... more food, more debt, bigger vehicles, more "toys"... what the hell is wrong with us? my husband chose a great song for our wedding - don henley's "for my wedding" which says (in part): "to want what I have, to take what I'm given with grace" and I wonder why haven't I learned to live that way? Now I'm not thinking that things are bad - that would be FAR from the truth - I have a perfect partner in life, two wonderful children & great friends. I'm happy with my home, my life & my work. My weight is my struggle/demon and I would do about anything to stop it....
Thursday, June 10th
Jun 10, 2010
So I thought that I would start to blog - I've been back and forth and up and down about what I managed to do to myself, and then decided that I would be best to put it down & log everything. I guess, for my own sanity.
Well today I didn't get up and exercise, which I try to do everyday. I ate a fried egg in a deli flat (total 170 cals, 11g protein) for breakfast. I had brought leftover salmon for lunch and ate WAY TOO MUCH - I don't know why I don't pay attention to myself and listen for that whisper of fullness, but I felt sick for several hours afterwards (the menu when I ordered the meal said it was 580 calories, I ate about half last night and the remainder today - so what 300 calories for lunch? I'm good with that! who knows the true protein, but I'm gonna guess 20g from stuff I found on the internet). I ate a balance bar for dinner (210 calories & 13g protein) and then had two handfuls of almonds as a snack. All in all, I think I tallied about 800 calories & 50g of protein today.....
The one thing I didn't get enough of was water/fluid. That's really a problem that I NEED to work on....
I kinda felt good today, it's been hard on me watching people lose TONS of weight on this site, my weight is coming off much slower than I would like & it's been hard on me. I guess that I can't complain too much because the scale does continue to drop, just not at the rate that I would like to see...
In my first week I was thrilled to see almost 11 pounds disappear - and then the next week it went to like 3 pounds and then I think I managed a pound a week to end up at the grand total of 15 for the first month. I WAS DEVASTATED. I really wanted to lose twice that amount and thought that I was on my way after the first week.... I guess I can only blame myself since I was the one who progressed my diet MUCH faster than the doctor had instructed!
But me blaming myself & getting back into my "pity party" mentality has to stop. I need to learn why I do this to myself or this too is going to fail & I REALLY don't want it to....
I've seen some of the other video diaries where one person said, gosh I don't know how people can't lose weight with this sleeve.... and another saying that she realizes this tool is just a temporary gift to help lose the weight while she works out the demons in her head. I guess for me, I need to start to be accountable to myself - which is why I'm blogging - I don't think anyone else in the world will ever care to read these words, but for me.... hoepfully I can learn something about myself and begin this journey with an outlet for my emotions rather than blindly eating.
I really need to forget the numbers on the scale & see how this is a great opportunity that I don't wanna screw up by obsessing to death & then just ending up with a self-fulfilling prophecy. This is going to be a new life for me & I need to work to get it - my mother always told me that the things in life that are worth having have never been free.
I'm going to try to keep up with this blog....
0 comments
Well today I didn't get up and exercise, which I try to do everyday. I ate a fried egg in a deli flat (total 170 cals, 11g protein) for breakfast. I had brought leftover salmon for lunch and ate WAY TOO MUCH - I don't know why I don't pay attention to myself and listen for that whisper of fullness, but I felt sick for several hours afterwards (the menu when I ordered the meal said it was 580 calories, I ate about half last night and the remainder today - so what 300 calories for lunch? I'm good with that! who knows the true protein, but I'm gonna guess 20g from stuff I found on the internet). I ate a balance bar for dinner (210 calories & 13g protein) and then had two handfuls of almonds as a snack. All in all, I think I tallied about 800 calories & 50g of protein today.....
The one thing I didn't get enough of was water/fluid. That's really a problem that I NEED to work on....
I kinda felt good today, it's been hard on me watching people lose TONS of weight on this site, my weight is coming off much slower than I would like & it's been hard on me. I guess that I can't complain too much because the scale does continue to drop, just not at the rate that I would like to see...
In my first week I was thrilled to see almost 11 pounds disappear - and then the next week it went to like 3 pounds and then I think I managed a pound a week to end up at the grand total of 15 for the first month. I WAS DEVASTATED. I really wanted to lose twice that amount and thought that I was on my way after the first week.... I guess I can only blame myself since I was the one who progressed my diet MUCH faster than the doctor had instructed!
But me blaming myself & getting back into my "pity party" mentality has to stop. I need to learn why I do this to myself or this too is going to fail & I REALLY don't want it to....
I've seen some of the other video diaries where one person said, gosh I don't know how people can't lose weight with this sleeve.... and another saying that she realizes this tool is just a temporary gift to help lose the weight while she works out the demons in her head. I guess for me, I need to start to be accountable to myself - which is why I'm blogging - I don't think anyone else in the world will ever care to read these words, but for me.... hoepfully I can learn something about myself and begin this journey with an outlet for my emotions rather than blindly eating.
I really need to forget the numbers on the scale & see how this is a great opportunity that I don't wanna screw up by obsessing to death & then just ending up with a self-fulfilling prophecy. This is going to be a new life for me & I need to work to get it - my mother always told me that the things in life that are worth having have never been free.
I'm going to try to keep up with this blog....
