Nickycole

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I have read somewhere that most people go through an emotional phase shortly after surgery.. I didnt pay to much attention to it, just kinda read over it and went on... yeah well... I should have payed attention. With that being said, today is the 5th day since I had surgery, on the 23rd. We were driving down the road and I just busted out crying because I seen myself in the mirror?? What the hell was that? I mean, I have been a big girl for 99% of my entire life... im rather use to seeing what I look like and being disapointed..but uhh... I just started bawling.. lol with my fiance, and mother in the car. That was a tad embarrassing. I have no idea why? I just seen my reflection and decided it wasnt something I wanted to see. I looked pale, tired, weak, and fat. I feel like I have had damage done to my body for a second time in my young life, and I am going to fail again. I failed with the lapband, there are tons of people who are successful w/ it? Why did I fail with it? Because the lapband only controlled my stomach.. not my brain. So I have yet again had another surgery, that does essentially the same thing? If I eat to much, I am going to get sick, throw up, or die... well the lapband didnt stop me... what ever made me think this was the right thing to do?

I really hope my mind is in a better state in the next couple days. These crying fits are unreal.

I also cant stand my fiance now.. what the heck is that about? I love him to death, but I feel the need to behead him? I keep telling him to go find something to do.. so that he will stay away, and I will have less chance of attacking him.

I dont want my mom far from me, which is wierd, cuz I dont even live with her, but I havent left her house since I had surgery, for some odd reason I feel that my fiance will just leave me laying somewhere stuck and no one will know lol.

Im telling you I think I have lost it. ;0) So I just put my earphones in, and listen to old classic country music that my daddy raised me on and I go back to the good ol' days and try not to think about all this stuff... wonder how long that will last?

Okay, so today is day three... I am a bit more active. I had some trouble sleeping last night, it was my first night not in a hospital bed, so laying flat was a mess.. so at about 4AM, I ended up back in the recliner. I also took a cap full of the pain medicine at that point, as I was hurting pretty bad. Thats the only pain medicine I have had today so far, and it is about 4PM. Mom woke me up about 10am, and asked me if I wanted to go garage saling. So we left the house, hot tea in tow.... hit about 6 garage sales, then rode out and did a wildlife nature drive, which was relaxing. I am suppose to be on full liquids now, and so far today, I have had lots of hot tea, some water, 2 popcicles, 1 ounce cup of protein shake, it was too nasty to keep going. It was the Atkins kind. Im going to try some cream of something soup here in a little while. Im not sure if the feeling I am having is hunger, or gas.. so I guess we will find out once I eat my lil cup of soup. I havent had a bowel movement, hopefully once I eat some soup, I will. Cuz, I really really do not want to drink any milk of magnesia as I had to before surgery, and there is no way to describe that... its just plain on freakin nasty. My biggest incision where they pulled my tummy out is kinda sore. I havent napped at all today, an I dont feel weak, but I dont feel great either, thinking a nap might help me. *yawn*

where the chubby little girl can no longer graze lol... I was a song writer and didnt know it! Anyway, I am home, thank gawd! No offense to the Ocala Regional Hosp, but I was more than ready to get home. So, I know everyone wants to know what happens on the day of surgery, and the days closely thereafter... so heres my story:

Me and my ma went over the night before because we didnt want to have to drive through the horrible fog in the forest. If you are from Florida and have ever been to Ocala in the early morning, you know fog is a serious concern, so to be save we found a nice little hotel outside of town and tucked it it. I was a tad lethargic from not having been able to have anything but clear liquids.. I was ready to chew on the door handles. But, I got up took, a bath, the last bath im going to get to take for a while. I had to wash with Dyna-Hex which is just a funky soap they want you to use so you can be as germ free as possible. So, I really had no anxiety about having surgery at this point.

6:30am rolls around an mom says it's time to head to the hospital, so I get up and we go. I had already pre registered and so all they did was take me straight back to my room, where me and momma chilled until 11:00am. I was his third surgery of the morning, so I guess we all had  to be there at the same time.

Time finally came for me get the IV and start getting ready for surgery, and yeah, that was the last I remember until I woke up in recovery. I just remember opening my eyes in there, and seeing a grumpy nurse, and then the next time I opened them, I was in my room with my mommy again. So begins the journey....

I started to panic because I had the NG tube in my nose, and it was really heavy. They pretty much knocked me back out as soon as I woke up. So, later on that evening they woke me up to do a breathing treatment, gave me a heperin shot in my arm, and took me to the bathroom. The night nurse (jaime) said he would take me NG tube out at like 5am, so I was definately looking forward to that. I hadnt seen my little friend that I met at the pre op group meeting up and walking around, and I knew she and another girl had surgery before me. So at like 2AM, we got up and went for a walk. There was a women across the hall making all kinds of noise, and it was really scary, I wasnt sure if it was my friend from pre-op.

They sent me back into my room, and shut the door, but I could still hear the nurses calling the code on her, and I got really upset. Regardless of whether it was my friend or not, I was still upset, because she was one the three of us to have surgery that morning. So, eventually after everything calmed down, the nurse came in an told me what happen to her. She was the first of us to have surgery that morning, and she was up and walking as soon as she was awake, she over did herself and something happened, and she was now in ICU.

So, he was there to pull my NG tube, which I must tell you, was the absolute WORST part of this surgery so far lol. It was quick, and out in less than 3 seconds, but it burned and I didnt like it all. I was suppose to go home around 11am after my Upper GI. So the radiology tech comes to get me, to take me down for that. I told them I wasnt feeling well and was having some pain, but they said I had to stop the pain meds to be able to do the test. I told them I felt like I was going to vomit. The tech told me it would take an hour at most, and I would be back in my room to rest. Sounds like no big deal right? 

Well..... so the lovely grumpy old tech leaves me sitting in the hallway!!! Im moaning and groaning and the ride in the wheelchair to the radiology department was HELL... I must have been there in the hallway for 20-30 minutes, it was hard to tell. I was in so much pain and I just started crying. Finally, some very young kid, comes out to get me and tells me he and his sidekick are going to do my test. They must have been all of 20yrs old. I told them I was feeling kinda woosie, and thought I was going to throw up... they just kinda brushed it off and continued on with the test, so they stand me up, feed me the barium and I managed some how to get the test done, but just as soon as I stepped down, I threw up everywhere. So, then, he says that we have to do another part to the test, and he will be back in just a few minutes. Well, that few minutes was more like 30, so when I finally broke down and started crying my eyes out, someone came to get me, and then the kid shows up and goes OMG, your still here?? ... like "hello stupid, you said you would be right back" but I didnt say a thing. I just got up and did his chest x-ray. By now, I was ready to throw myself down the stairs and end it all, I had been without pain meds for  a long time and they just kept leaving me, so what do you know, he says I will be right back after he does my x-ray and he leaves me AGAIN... and this time I clearly heard him say, "Im going to get a snack and something to drink" to the other techs. After about another 20 minutes of sitting alone, in silence, I started to cry again, and thats when finally the mean grumpy guy that brought me down, showed up and says, "stop crying, im going to take you to your room, and then you can have your pain meds" If I could have gotten out of the wheelchair, slapped him and stomped away, I would have done so, but I was too weak, and could only hope he didnt leave me sitting in the some random corner of the hospital where no one would ever find me lol... so I was a bit hysterical at this point. That one hour Upper GI, took almost three!!!

When I got back to my room, I finally had a grade A panic attack, the doctor was there, the nurse was there, my NUT had come to visit, and my momma was freaking out because I had been gone so long. I couldnt even talk. All I could manage to blubber out was, they just left me, and they were mean to me.

Doc checked me over and decided to keep me another night, I didnt even care, I was just so happy to be back in my room, they gave me some pain meds and something for anxiety and nighty night I went. When I woke up, I started feeling better, started walking, sipping, walking sipping. The night CNA made me walk to get myself a popcicle... pretty good idea lol I found my pre-op friend and she wasnt up and walking yet, and I could hear the nurses urging her to walk. She wasnt having any part of it, but today when we got discharged, she was bouncing all over the place. I wish I had her energy.

So I am home now, all my liquids are staying down. Drinking hot tea, an apple juice. My boyfriend painted my toe nails, bless his heart. lol. Trying to make me feel better. It worked. I walked out to see my horses, and give them pony kisses, and now im just relaxing, watching movies with me beau. I shall keep you updated on the days to come! 

I have to say from the perspective of a very big wimp, it was just about like having the lap band. We will see how I feel tomorrow!

SO! I found out today that I will have a TUBE in my NOSE, a TUBE in my CHA CHA, and a TUBE in my side! I am so not happy   :0*( !! Im really freaking out right now!!! BUT< I paid my money, and I did my pre-op, and I am ready to chew the door knob off the front door because of this stupid liquid diet, but I will be glad to say bye bye to my band, and hello to my sleeve! 

Well... my lapband decided that it doesnt like me and it's going to be seeing the bottom of the biohazard can at the hospital on the 23rd of Feb! I have had some problems with my band, but I dont regret getting it, without it I would have continued to gain weight and I am sure wouldnt be here now, but alas, I must waive goodbye to it, as it has decided to slip a couple times, and I have decided to go on and get the sleeve. So.. here's to the sleeve! I get to kiss my stomach goodbye this time, thats a tad nerve racking, but hey, I guess if you dont have a stomach, you cant feed it, so maybe this will be my ticket to finally losing some weight. We shall see..

On a side note, not much has changed in my life, I am still riding my horses, although im sure they are not real thrilled about that, but they are pretty fat too, so they can hush. lol

Well, nothing exciting to report on this end... I have lost maybe 20 more lbs.. but nothing to really write home to momma about! But, thats my fault.. I eat bad, I dont exercise, and im generally depressed about life, so im really working against myself. Hopefully things will start to look up.

Well... I guess I disapeered for a while. Life happens I suppose. Crazy stuff. Regardless im better off.. I havent really lost any weight to speak of. I've been fluctuating around the 240 area.. but ive been working against my band, but thats all changing. I work out every day, and im changing my eating habits. So, things are starting to come around! I shall try to keep this updated more often!

Ahhh... VICTORY!! 

Kevin was able to give me a fill!!!!!!!! THANK YOU LORD!! He did end up numbing me heavily. And I had to take 2 Valiums, but he finally got it. I guess my port was trying to imitate flipper.. but didnt make it all the way so it is kinda like 1/2 cocked under there. Making it really HARD for them to access my port. But anywho.. I am happy. Maybe I will finally have some restriction! Any, just any! I didnt lose any fluid out of my band, it was all there, so he thinks this will be a good fill for me. :0) Whatever, I am happy!!! He was a little worried that I had come back too soon. It was only a week since the last attempt and my tummy was still bruised, but I didnt care... I want to lose some more before we go to Texas. Heck, I would like to lose anything at this point.

So, Looks like I havent had a fill since June. He didnt fill me, which I new he wouldnt. I wa choking on everything coming and going but come to find out, it had nothing to do with my band, but everything to do with ME!. Instead of filling my band, he sent my to a head doctor. With the notion that I was purposely choking myself. So, I have been w/out restriction since June, and no I havent gained any weight, and I have even lost a few pounds, but I have no restriction.  So,last friday, the 6th, I had another appointment. It was decided then, that it was okay to give me a fill. Well...... I was extremely happy about that, as MUCH as I HATE needles. 

Well, after being numbed twice, and stuck several times, my port decided to play hide and seek. And I flipped. So I was sent to have an x-ray and it looks like I may have ripped a stitch or two out and my port has turned. Hince why he couldnt hit it. So, all it well and I go back this friday the 12th to try again. :0) Im okay with that. I think they may drug me :P~ haha. 

Anyways, he said in all his years he's seen very few people actually flip their port, So, I was lucky this time. Although... that means there are only two remaining stitches holding my port in its current posistion.

He said only people who do somthing extreme pop stiches :0) He asked just exactly what in the world I was doing? It was riding my horse. I remember exactly when it happened, because I felt it. So.. words of advice... be nice to your PORT!

Sorry for my disapeering acts. Life has been so out of whack. Just a little update. I go for my fourth fill tomorrow, although I dont think he's going to give it to me. As I have stated in previous posts, my fills take about 2 weeks for me to feel them or for them to  have an effect. That may be in my head, but thats how its been to this point. Up until fill #3... I was rushing, like I normally do, and wouldnt you know it... BLAHHHH all over my new car! I didnt even feel it coming., I got a stuck feeling and all over a sudden it was coming back up. Good thing though, it was a bad bad bad thing I was attempting to eat. My band said Nope, girlie, we are kicking that back out. And it did. So, I did liguids for 24hrs, and then on memorial day, my mom made crab legs. I puked 6 times for all 6 bites of crap meat, I ate. My band was not happy until every last peice of the intruding crab had  been booted out. Welll.... im starting to respect my band a whole lot more. Im finally forming into a bandster. Im not eating like a normal person.anymore. I eat small bits, sometimes I mess up, but im quickly reminded that I cant do that, and I chew, chew, chew as best as I can. Anywho, the good news is I am not at 242. Thats pretty good for me, since I have had two knee surgeries an just now got mobile again, and seems I get sick every time I turn around. Anywho, all bandsters are NOT perfect. Im a good example of one who has not worked with her band at all, but let me tell ya, when you do work with it, the results are wonderful!!