Jasmine130

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Here I am at 11 months out from surgery and about to break into the 160s. I remember getting out of the 300s....then hitting 250 was a wonderful day. Then I broke out of the 200s to see my weight on the scale start with a "1--". Now I know why they call it "Onederland". It is truly wonderful! As I near the 160s at almost a year out from surgery, I can hardly contain my joy. I am increasingly mindful, though, that I am nearing the end of my honeymoon phase and my joy is tempered by the knowledge that it is possible for me to undo all this great work by reverting back to old habits. So today I remind myself that I must be more conscious than ever before of my food choices, my intentional exercise and put to use, every waking minute of every day, all the things I have learned over the past year about myself and why I ate myself to severe morbid obesity in the first place.

Tomorrow is my 11 month mark. How quickly time has passed; next month will be my 1 year anniversary!

Today I celebrated by trying on some clothes that have been lying around in my bedroom. A dear friend gave me a large number of pants and shorts that she can no longer fit into. I've gotten quite a bit of wear out of several pair. She is taller than I am so I thought I should try some more on, mark where they need to be altered, and take them to my tailor.

I tried on 14s and 12s...only one pair will go to the tailor, the rest are way too big of the "regular" pants. There are two pair of jeans that I won't need altered for length and they fit pretty well.

I was shocked that even now some 12s are too big for me! My sister is visiting briefly in September and I'm going to ask her if she or her daughter can use the other pants; if not, I will donate them locally.

This blows me away...12s...14s....too big!!!!

The other night at the Y, as I was checking in at the front desk, I saw a young man with whose mother I used to be a walking companion. She and I have both struggled with our weight over the last several years, and we used to commiserate over our repeated failed efforts. I eventually “dropped her” as a walking companion because she frequently was a no show and I needed someone to help keep me focused on daily walking. Anyway, fast forward 8 years or so…..her son now works at the Y, and also does a lot of weight training. He’s a sweet guy and our conversation the other night has really stuck in my mind. It went like this. He complimented me on my weight loss and asked me how I did it. I told him I had gastric bypass; he became quiet and said, “My mom had the same thing.” I told her I hadn’t seen her in a while, but last time I did, which was a few months ago, I thought she seemed smaller. He said, true – but she has stopped losing weight; she keeps going back to her old food and old habits and isn’t working out as much as she needs to. He was very sad and concerned as he said this, and told me he was so worried about his mom and her health.   This struck me on a couple of levels. First, I was moved by how much love and concern this young man has for his mother. My heart went out to him. Second, I was reminded that this is a real struggle. Yes, we have the gastric bypass, but it is no more than a tool. We hear that said all the time in our support groups, both online and 3D. But we really need to get it deep down in our understanding so that we live with this knowledge all the time, and it affects our behaviors and our choices every hour of every day. This is not magic, this is hard work and requires ongoing, consistent effort if we are to avoid regaining all our weight back. We cannot let the honeymoon success lull us into believing that we don’t have to do the hard work of dealing with our addiction. Third, I was moved to think how my own sons must have, and perhaps still do, worry about me because of my weight and my health. What did I put them through all the years I was super morbidly obese? What sadness and frustration did they share with others, and who did they talk to in order to express their feelings and seek help for themselves? I am so sorry I did this to my sons, my husband, and anyone who cared deeply enough about me to have been affected by my weight problems. It is very sobering indeed and I will remind myself often of my conversation with this young man who watches his mother continue to struggle day by day.

On July 24, 2008 I reached my 10 month mark.  I was in Cancun,  Mexico at the time, enjoying a wonderful vacation with my husband.  So many wonderful things have come into my life as a result of this surgery and  as I reflect on them, I am so filled with gratitude....

1.  I am hopeful and excited about my future.
2.  I can shop in regular sizes!  Yesterday I bought a medium-size sweater.  It looked so tiny, I figured by the time the weather cools off enough, it will fit properly.  But I tried it on and I can even start wearing it now.  Size MEDIUM!!!
3.  I can walk "forever" without pain and fatigue.  Okay maybe not "forever" but the difference between how much easier walking is now as compared to when I was super morbidly obese...is night and day.  A great example of how much I've improved in this respect is our trip to the Tulum Mayan ruins on our vacation.  We had to go through a very, very hot jungle path to get to the site of the ruins.  Once we got to the ruins themselves, it was incredibly hot and humid.  Then came the walking and climbing!  Before my weight loss, I would never have made it.  I would have whined and complained and told my husband to go on without me.  But now.....I actually had energy left over!  And found myself recovering very quickly from the heat and exertion.  And very, very grateful for my new endurance and stamina.
4.  My husband keeps looking at me and telling me I look really tiny and cute!
5.  My blood pressure at my eye exam today:  114/70; my pulse, 62.  No signs of cholesterol/plaque in the blood vessels of my eyes....all healthy :).
6. I am no longer the invisible super fat person who feels ignored, even scorned as ugly, misshapen, scorned.  People look me in the eye, smile at me, talk to me, treat me as a "normal" person (hah!  If they only knew!).
7.  I am so much more confident and outgoing.  I no longer shy away from social situations.  I speak up, and speak up for myself.
8.  I can cross my legs in either direction.  I can even cross one leg over the other and put both feet flat on the floor.  Hmm!
9.  I recognize certain foods that are triggers; and once recognized, tell myself -- stay away from that choice.  And my reaction is calm, logical -- whereas before I reacted with a bizarre panic and rebellion that led me to eat MORE of that food or similar foods -- a truly destructive pattern.
10.  I feel more compassionate toward others, calmer, and more at peace.  I no longer feel anxious, angry and in constant need of explaining, justifying or defending myself as an obese person.  Because I'm not that same obese person any more!

How can I describe how this makes me feel?  First, it seems unreal, like an ongoing dream.  I find myself afraid to look in the mirror, because I avoided it so much in the past when I was over 350 pounds.  So I sneak a look and try to comprehend the changes.  I see a collarbone where I used to see mounds of fat.  I see a face with bone structure where I used to see a puffed out face that truly seemed more porcine than human.  My eyes appear larger because they are not surrounded by large fat pads under my cheeks.  I lift my clothed arms and, knowing that beneath my sleeves are dangling “bat wings”, I still see a dramatic difference.  When I lie in bed, I can feel my ribs and even my hip bone a little.  When I sit, I can often feel my tailbone, and my legs just naturally want to, and do, cross.  If I drop something while seated, I can bend over and easily pick it up without feeling I will topple over.  When I get in my car, it doesn’t sag on its springs; when I get out of my car, it doesn’t raise up again.  When I’m in bed, sometimes my husband can’t tell I’m there and has to pat around to find me.  When we’re in bed together, he can’t tell if I get in or out because the bed doesn’t move with me (and it’s a waterbed).  When I go clothes shopping, I shop in the regular sizes and not the plus sizes.  I can no longer find anything at Avenue that I can wear, it’s all too big.  I wear a size 14 pants, and when I hold them up, they look big to me, whereas before they would have looked impossibly small.  When I’m around others, they seem to see me as “normal” and not grossly fat, and if they don’t know me, they don’t know I used to be severely morbidly obese. Many people seem genuinely very happy for me and bring me great encouragement.  There are a few who maybe are not so happy for me but it seems that is because my having lost so much weight reminds them of their own overweight condition.  I truly understand this, I was resentful toward others who lost weight when I didn’t.   I was thinking today of the weight loss support group I started when Dr. Phil did his weight loss challenge a few years ago.  My group grew and shrunk, grew and shrunk, and then finally I disbanded it.  I was successful for a time with that program, but I was alone in my success.  None of the others did well at all, with the exception of one, who lost about 20 pounds.  Everyone had excuses as to why they didn’t read the book, didn’t do the work, didn’t show up for meetings….ultimately, I gained my weight back and lost heart for the whole thing.  Then there was a period of time where I thought that if I had my RNY I would let down this support group because I didn’t succeed at the Dr. Phil plan which I had so enthusiastically followed and praised.  I actually held off getting surgery because I didn’t want to face what I thought would be the group’s negative opinion of my decision.  Well that was not smart.  First, why did I care what they thought about my decision?  I gave them a great deal of support and encouragement, and stood by their side while they continued to make excuses.  If they returned what I did for them with disapproval for my choice, why should I care?

I only cared because I tended to care too much about what people thought about me, and wanted the approval of others so much.  Finally, I wised up and decided to go forward with my RNY.  A couple of the members of my group (by then, all but defunct) were unpleasantly surprised.  One of them challenged my decision and wanted to meet with me.  I agreed, but she stood me up with another excuse.  Now she is not even exercising at all.  The other, I met with, she had a lot of questions and was quite supportive.  She is investigating WLS herself now.  I shake my head a little in disbelief that I almost let the reactions, or imagined reactions, of the members of this group, influence me not to have RNY.  So nine months later, I am here, well below 200 lbs and getting my life back.  It has gone by quickly.  I often think now of where I would be if I had let this time go by without taking this big step.  I would be fatter, my co-morbidities would have worsened,  I would be closer to death, I would have continued to damage my relationships with others, …. The list goes on and on.  Instead, I am sitting here in a very cute dress --- size Large! – getting closer and closer to goal, loving and appreciating my RNY, grateful, so grateful that I was able to have it, re-building my body and my life.  I am full of joy and appreciation and a growing confidence and hope for the future.  Soon I will be at my one-year surgiversary, then on to goal, then on to maintenance…..and on to the rest of my life.  I don’t know what the future will bring, but I know that if I continue to do the work, I will face the future with a new, lean, fit body, one that I never thought I would ever have again.

Today I went for my 9-month check up visit with Dr. Feng.  I'm down to 189 pounds on his office scale (that's with clothes and shoes ).  To say I'm thrilled with my progress is an understatement!  I am so very grateful for the opportunity to have this life-changing, life-saving surgery, and for Dr. Feng and his expertise.  And I am proud of myself for doing all this hard work to make my surgery work for me!

What I'm feeling today:

Relief
Joy
Pride
Satisfaction
Hope
Energy

I had several comments from others today regarding how small I'm looking.  One person did say "You're wasting away".  Well, I'm 189 pounds, definitely not wasted away, but I know it's the contrast of how much has changed in the last 9 months.

I  my RNY.

Today I had 2 doctor's visits....one with my orthopedic surgeon, the other with my ob-gyn.

Good news with my ortho visit -- my shoulder is healing well, no surgery necessary.  After 3 weeks of visiting each week for x-rays to monitor the healing, the doctor says he doesn't need to see me until August.  Yay!  I do start PT though and I'm a little leery.  But I will be faithful to the process as I want all my strength and mobility back.

Also good news with my ob-gyn visit.  My doc was excited to see how much weight I've lost; did a pap smear for which I'll have the results soon.  Manual exam -- he says everything's "perfect".  Yay!

I've never taken such good care of myself as I have been in the months since my RNY.  I am so grateful for the opportunity to take my health into my own hands and make my life better.

It's been a little while since I've updated my blog. I had an accident on my bike on June 13, 2008 which left me with a messed-up face and a broken shoulder. My face has pretty much cleared up from the bruising and abrasions but the right halves of my upper and lower lips are numb.  My shoulder, broken in 2 places, is quite painful sometimes.  I am following up with my orthopedist every week for x-rays and exam just to make sure nothing goes awry with the healing process and hoping to avoid surgery. So far, so good on that front.

I have been "out of it" to a large degree, first because of the pain meds (percoset and then vicodin), then because I am resting a lot to help the healing.  I have spent 2 weeks mostly at home and definitely have some cabin fever.  I miss being able to go to the pool and miss riding my bike but have gotten in a few good walks.  My husband and I had planned on going to a kayak clinic last week but naturally had to cancel; it will be some months before I can do anything like that.  I'll be starting physical therapy next week on my shoulder.  Kind of singing the blues because I want to be much more active!

Well I promise to take care of myself so I can mend properly.  This is the most I have typed at one time, so time to ice my shoulder.

In my last blogpost I wrote that I was just a hair into Onederland.  I've been holding my breath a little bit because it's common to bounce around a pound or two.  Today, I can say that I'm solidly into the 100s as I weighed in this morning at 195.2.  I'm so excited, and I feel really great!

Last night I went for a walk around the neighborhood, and I could have walked and walked....no pain at all.  It used to hurt my back, hips and knees so much, walking was a real chore.  No wonder it wasn't my favorite exercise.  This morning, now that my son is out of school and driving on his own, I can start riding my bike to work, "guaranteeing" at least 30 mins of cardio exercise per day at least during the work week.

Others are noticing the changes in me in a big way.  There have been a few instances where people did not recognize me and I had to introduce myself.  That is trippy!  

I'm wearing size 14/16 pants and the other day accidentally bought a size 10 dress pants -- which I was surprised to find out I can wear.  A friend gave me a large number of pants, capris and shorts the other day, a lot of which I can wear, and some of them I'll be working my way down to in order to fit into them.  Often, I have difficulty believing I'm wearing these sizes when 8 short months ago I was despairing of fitting into the 30/32s at Avenue and thinking all my clothes would have to start coming out of the catalogs.

I am so grateful, humbled and thankful to have been able to have this surgery.  There are many for whom, for various reasons, weight loss surgery is not an option.  Had I not had this surgery, in these past 8 months I'm sure I would have continued to gain weight while my co-morbidities increased.  It would not have been long before I was unable to walk and became wheelchair bound.  I don't think I would have made it much into my 60s, if that far.  The RNY has saved my life and now it's up to me to preserve the gift that I've been giving by continuing to take care of myself.